DML: Editorial

Stating the bloody obvious

I blame Robbie Keane who relegated Coventry and Leeds with each of his departures from both clubs. I blame the Director of Football system that has seen manager after manager undermined. I blame the tabloids, broadsheets, Gillette Soccer Saturday, radio presenters, Sky pundits who all predicted Spurs would finish 5th. I blame Ramos for not elevating the team after the Carling Cup. I blame, fuck it, everyone and everything. The way the wind blows. The raindrops that fall from the sky. My alarm going off on a Monday morning. ITV comedy. Hagar the Horrible. It's all fallen into place perfectly, conspiring to anchor us to the bottom of the Premiership. After years of laughing at West Ham's yo-yoing between the top flight and the league just below it, how the ironic jeers and laughter will hurt when they aim their giddy abuse at us.

What makes it even sweeter for them and even more horrific for us is that there is no Tevez in the Spurs side. And thus far, lady luck has also been non-existent. We can only hope for a goal that never was and a resulting three points, much like the Hammers got up at Blackburn to give us a glint of hope. But at the moment, such a joyful moment seems a million miles away in a far far away land where Spurs fans are dressed like arch angels singing Glory Glory from a hymn sheet, whilst the team swagger around the WHL pitch scoring goals for fun.

'Stick me in centre-mid'

Wigan was the 'must win match'. We drew it. Then it was Hull. We lost. And then it was Stoke. And we lost again. In that other alternative reality where Bentley is decent, Berbatov was sold at the beginning of the summer and a replacement bought a couple of weeks later along with a defensive midfielder and a tricky creative forward - we are sitting in the top 5 smiling, upbeat and confident. At least somewhere in the multi-verse, there are Spurs fans proud and loud.

In our shaky moments in the past, we've had poor starts but nothing this spectacularly bad. We haven't just started poorly, we've started catastrophically poorly. But anyone who looked beyond the thrashing of Roma in pre-season and Darren Bents prolific friendly form and reminded themselves of the utter lack of cohesion since the Carling Cup final would have seen a team in steady melt-down. Our form has been good enough to take us down all year long. In fact, since our two 5th place finishes, our form has all but gone - other than in patches and some 'big'. The Carling Cup run appears to be nothing more than a blip that blinded us from what was actually going on with Premiership form.

This season sees us at 8 games. Out of a possible 24 points, we've notched up 2. Chelsea are the only 'decent' team we've played. Our fixture list was meant to be quite easy until we played Arsenal (A), Liverpool (H) and Man City (A). All these games coming up after next Sundays mega-game at the Lane against Bolton.

Nothing at the moment suggests we have what it takes to drag ourselves out of the bottom three. From one game to the next, whether it be Poyet saying our performance is unacceptable or Ramos via Poyet saying our performance is unacceptable or Darren Bent (club spokesman) saying our performance is unacceptable - nothing changes come the next game. Apart from the soundbites.

Spurs, with one upfront, facing the might of the Prem league fixture list

Hull, Wigan, WBA, Stoke etc, all have a bit of fight and spirit. Hull are excelling at the moment. Stoke are awful and will probably go down with us, but they still beat us and grabbed all three points. So it's not a given that all the promoted teams will go down, like most other seasons. Not only have we decided this is the season we will struggle epically, but this is also the season that every other team around is strong, determined and 'together'. Shit hitting fan - is an understatement. We are in the deepest possible trouble we've ever been in, since the 70's at least.

I've been critical of the players, and still am. I don't quite see the required urgency and guts and full-blooded 'die for the shirt' siege mentality that's required. Do the players and management think its ok because 'we are Spurs' and 'teams like us never go down' so 'things will change soon'? What happened with being the kings of your own destiny? Then again, maybe the players are not at fault. Playing at 200% might be out of their reach due to the fact that the team is so painfully mish-mashed and out of sorts.

Any club in the Prem would struggle if:

- They have no leader on the pitch

- They lost both of their main forwards who created and scored most of the goals in previous seasons

- Have no defensive midfielder

- Have no midfield that chase down the opposition players/ball

- Play a right-winger on the left-wing

- Have no true left-winger

- Have one main striker who thus far has failed to settle due to playing a bit part since being signed a season ago

- Sold their other striker who is on top form for his new club because he was not required (argue until you're blue in the face, but Defoe rightly would not sign a new contract because we couldn't promise him first team football)

- Spurs believed foolishly that Berbatov would not leave and didn't stop to think that Keane might be subject to a move away, even though we have a 'we don't sell our important players' policy

- Bought a player who has already played 5 months of a season, looks unfit and needs time to settle

- Bought a midfielder who needs time to settle and stick him in a midfield who are not on the same wave length than him

- Sell 3 'decent' squad players who would give competition and options for first team selection

Spurs systematically went about unweaving the tapestry of progression by trying to replace missing jigsaw pieces with termites. It's such a perfect dismantlement of the squad with superfluous replacements drafted in left, right and centre that someone would think it was done on purpose because surely you can't get it this wrong? Agent Comolli and Levy have masterminded one of the greatest clusterfucks of all time. This summer, make no mistake about it, was a unmitigated disaster. Far too much emphasis on the business side of the club, chasing down every last million from Utd for Berbatov.

Levy getting caught up in transfer dealing politics and hypocrisy. Comolli panic buying. And the club generally carrying on like the whole of last season (Jol undermined/sacked, Ramos in, no change in league form) had not happened. On the subject of Martin Jol, he was never destined to succeed because of the exaggerated impatient ambitions of the chairman, Kemsley and Comolli. The Trinity decided that replacing Jol with Ramos would take us to the next level. Error of judgement? Did Jol deserve another season and therefore the FULL backing of Comolli and co? They obviously felt he had to be replaced, and why not with a manager of Ramos quality? And yet look how things have turned out. Hindsight; can't put a price on it.

So why did everyone think we would do well this season? Did they think because Ramos could start fresh, from the opening game of the season that suddenly all things would fall into place? The very fact that the chairman and DoF failed to see the massive cracks in the foundations proves they're just as disillusioned as the most excitable Barcelona shirt wearing Spurs fans.

A look into the future: Levy fires Comolli

Look at the team, the squad we have at the moment. It's basic maths. Last year we conceded a hell of a lot of goals, mainly due to having a poor midfield that supported no-one defensively. Thanks to Berbatov and Keane we scored a shed-load too. Take those two away, improve the defence a little, and we have a team that doesn't concede as many but can't score goals. A team that can't score, by virtue of not being offensive enough will pile on the pressure for the defence - who are still not supported by the slow, sideways playing midfield. It's a formula for failure. Epic epic failure.

To compound matters ever more, we hoof the ball up to Bent. Hoof it. No style, no system. For 20/30 minutes or so against Stoke we played the ball around quite well and created chances. But it was still lacklustre. Inept. It's like an 9 inch dick, limp and flaccid, in the Playboy mansion. Viagra left at home. Utterly fucking useless.

Ramos, 10 wins in 36 (stats might be off, but just browse the BBC if you want to cry into your keyboard) has tragically shown us very little. He maybe strict. He might have sorted out the diet, got us fit. But like many clubs who get themselves into a low-confidence situation, sometimes no amount of tinkering can get you out. So you need to let go of the manager. As drastic as it may seem, as much as you might wish for some consistency for once - a completely new man at the helm might wake the players up. Yes, the same players who can't quite perform one week might do brilliantly the next for a new manager. Then again, it might take a bit of time (much like it took Jol when he took over from Santini). So if we do get rid of Ramos, will the next man in be able to afford 5 more games without a win? Well? So do we get rid of Ramos? Teams stay up or go down based on decisions like this.

The bigger question is whether the current crop of misfits have it in them at all. King, 'our leader', is nothing more than a part-time player. He will never be 100% fit. And the club knew this last year, and probably the year before. We should have looked to bring in a genuine replacement. We haven't. Woodgate is beginning to suffer because of the dross playing around him. Bale, with zero Prem wins under his belt, looks average since returning from his injury. Did he recently sign an extension to his contract? No Man Utd move for you on this form Gareth. I hope the injury he has recovered from hasn't taken away his mojo. As for Zokora. He's an athlete, but not a footballer.

Doncaster away. 'ave it.

And Jenas? Since he was a teenager he's been told he's a class player. He'll be something special. But he has never shown belief in the hype surrounding him. He has the qualities, physically, but mentality shows very little to suggest he will ever be anywhere near world-class. He struggles to be anything near top 8 class most weeks. Having him as vice-captain tells you everything you need to know about our predicament and status.

Bentley has been non-existent. Played out of position, he should still roll his sleeves up and give it a go regardless. But then is David a 'roll the sleeves up' type of player? Lennon has been the one bright spark (even if that spark consists of running really really fast). Gio is a luxury who is a little out of his depth and considering the form of his team mates, it's asking a lot of the youngster to carry the weight of expectation in his shoulders. Frazier Campbell on loan is the icing on the cake. And you know it is. A Utd kid as one of our main three strikers. Classic.

And back to Levy and Comolli. Judge me, he said (Daniel), on the players that are sold. That was his response a while back relating to a statement about Spurs being a selling club. Which we quite blatantly are. But if you do have to sell, then bloody well replace the outgoing players with incoming quality.

Levy, Kemsley and DC went after Ramos, for the big step up in class (citing a 'world class' manager was required now rather than later). Whatever was happening behind the scenes (Jol/Berbatov/Comolli etc) the club - the people in charge - have mismanaged us to the brink of the Championship. Did we really have the right to move on from Jol so quickly?

Now Levy is pondering on the severance fee he will have to dish out to Ramos if he is forced to sack him. And if he does that, he'll have to sack Comolli (as Levy has told us all Ramos is Comolli's choice). Not that ridding the club of DC will do anything drastic to our on the pitch performances. With no more patsys left, Levy - accountable for all decisions - will then logically need to scrap the DoF position and draft in a chief scout to help the newly appointed 'manager'. And who would be the saviour? Would anyone want the job considering the chairman is such a destructive force?

Now I know what some would say. Levy and his financial skills and astute business sense was the reason we challenged for 4th place in 'that season' and that it's down to him we have been looking to make a move to a bigger stadium (or expand WHL). Remember even Jol gave him some credit at the end of one season, with the crowd (not me) responding with a chorus of support. But considering the support this club has and money made from tickets/merchandising etc, it's what you would expect from the chairman. It's the other decisions and the way we do our business, football wise, which he must be judged on. Unless you are willing to blame completely (and its a blame game we are all involved in) Ramos for the position we are in.

Levy dragged the Berbatov saga to the very death for an extra £6M or so. Was it worth it Daniel? How many millions will be lost for finishing in the depths of the Prem table? How much more would be lost with relegation? Shareholders happy? Don't be avoiding that phone call from Joe Lewis.

Bouncebackability

I joked a while back that us going down was the only way to rid the club of Levy and all the delusions of grandeur that this club is guilty of. I suggested the club needed the most cruel of baptisms so we could be reborn, and take nothing for granted as a consequence. But who, hand on heart, would want to see their club relegated? Aside from the fact that most of the players who got you relegated would be sold, you'd have to deal with every day life outside the top flight (at least we won't have to listening to Andy Gray commentating on our games).

And if preparations are spot on you could do a Leeds or a Man City, rather than bounce back first time. Last time ('77) we did bounce back first time. And signed two Argentinians and went on to plenty of Cup glory and beautiful football. But times have changed. This is the modern game, that is made up of the Sky 4 and the rest of the Premiership battling out for 5th and 6th. The top 4 are so far ahead of everyone, and with billionaires grabbing up other clubs faster than you can say 'credit crunch', we will be so far away from what we aspire to, it will hurt more than castration to think one summer of discontent has buried us 6 feet under.

Going down is simply not acceptable. Other fans would say the same about their club. Stoke, Hull and WBA fans would hope that other clubs struggle and they somehow survive. Or perform like a dream and pick up Prem-place saving points nice and early (Hull). We've spent millions. We've had the backing of pundits and fans. But we deserve nothing if we don't play like we care and believe we belong. Too big to go down? You have to play big to stay up, and we are nothing more than small time at the minute.

Woodgate has come out in support of Ramos. Citing 'togetherness' and making bold statements such as 'I think we will stay up' and 'There's no doubt about it, everyone thinks we should and I think we will'. Ramos on the other hand prefers to be far more honest (pessimistic) telling us 'I am worried about the situation. At the moment it is terrible'. 'No shit Sherlock moment' right there for you. With the Bolton game taking on the 'Biggest Game in our History' tag, a Levy mass/demo protest is planned for Sunday. A demo? How come I didn't think of this? Now call it extreme if you like, but I propose we hit Levy hard, and we hit him fast, with a major, and I mean major, leaflet campaign.

In the ground, support the team. Outside, protest to your hearts content.

Someone should have a quiet yet stern word in the ears of the management and players because they don't quite grasp the reality of the situation. At the time of writing Newcastle are beating City 2-1, which means we are 5 points adrift of 19th spot.

Rock'n'roll. City just equalised. 4 points off 19th spot.

Keep dreaming

Things would be a little different if Spurs had qualified for the Champs League when we had the chance to do so a few years back. Although the distraction of it might have meant us failing to get there the next season (not that anyone would have complained that much). The 4th spot position would have mean (in such a scenario) that we could attract second-tier world class players because of what we have to offer on the European stage.

With regards to the current Keane/Berbatov situation, Spurs have to yo-yo through this type of transfer disloyalty until we strike lucky, which means regardless of us losing our 'best' players every 2/3 years to 'bigger clubs' we have to be in a position where we can still challenge for 4th spot - even if it means finishing 5th - and picking up a Cup or two in the mean time.

The luck part is down to one of the current Big Four having a mare of a season.

So, in conclusion. We have to be better than everyone else as a given, and then concentrate on aspiring to break into the top four.

Easy peasy.

~S

Still waiting...

Right. I’m back. So all three of you who read this forum can now sit back and enjoy the ramblings of an inane frustrated fan who has yet again sold out by parting with nearly £700 for yet another year of heart-attacks, positioned just behind the goal in the South Lower.

Where do I begin?

Latest whorage taking places has all manners of different streams of in the know info all suggesting that Bentley (wants to move down south) and Diarra (this story just won't go away) are both Spurs bound. If this happens, along with Modric and possibly another defender – I can comfortably bet £10 on Spurs finishing 5th again.

The real test begins now for Ramos. Last year, after the Milk Cup final win, everyone switched off. The league was nothing more than a circus. Spurs still have tumours that need removing. But with the right players (and thus right mentality) we won’t be guilty of embarrassing collapses that usually begin in the midfield.

Lennon might be off. No major stories concerning the other dead men walking (Chimbonda, Robinson etc). But it’s early days yet. Apart from midfield and defender(s), we can do with another forward or two.

Bent might be off (if we can mug someone the same way Charlton mugged us off) and Berbatov could well decide to join the first Champs League team who make a bid for him. The 1% chance of him staying based on the type of players we sign is nothing more than a dream. If he stayed it would be because and only because we would finish 4th – and that won’t happen. Not unless one of the current Big Four hiccup badly.

Yoof! A critical look back at a history of discontent

All the hope for the current crop of academy players should include a disclaimer: Players unlikely to succeed at top level.

We’ve seen so many came and go and its asking for a miracle, an epic fluke (akin to what Man Utd had with their group of kids in the mid-90’s) to find yourself seeing more than three of our kids making the first team and then international football.

Our development has been crap, no question. The moment we do see a reserve player promoted, we automatically believe they will be a major success. Instead, they turn out to be shit. The problem is that because some of them are homebred and come through the youth and reserve teams there’s a hope they will achieve greatness because out of desperation we want someone to come through the ranks.

Here are several reminders of why we should not get too excited just yet:

Nick Barmby

Tottenham’s and England’s answer to Peter Beardsley, without the burden of that face and hunchback. Has had an ok career without ever excelling. Left Spurs because he wanted to return to the North of England. As a young lad looked exceptional, but hardly set the world on fire. Now at Hull and could be playing Prem football again next season if they overcome Bristol City.

Andy Turner

Could dribble a little. That’s about it.

Darren Caskey

A perfect example of how under 18’s don’t always continue to progress onwards and upwards. He kept Scholes out of most of the junior England sides. An England U18 Captain. Never anything more than that.

S*l Campbell

The one success we have stabs us in the back.

Ian Walker

Another player that fooled his way into the England set-up. Became a liability much like Robinson has become. Anyone who smiles when they’ve conceded a goal can’t be trusted.

Stephen Carr

Left Spurs to go to Newcastle for European football. Genius. Great going forward, not so great defending. People remember that goal against Man Utd. The thing is, when all you can do is remember the odd goal that usually means they did fuck all else.

Steffen Iversen

Klinsmann once said he was the new Klinsmann. Footballers are a bunch of piss-takers at the best of times. Never once showed any suggestion of progressing yet we all just sat about and waited for him to become a decent player.

Jonathan Blondel

A bit of a lightweight, but here’s the problem. Blondel had talent. Nowhere near the level some Spurs fans and Pleat would have you know. But the club completely mis-managed the lad. Hardly played, when he did it was out of position. He managed to escape. Has apparently turned into a half-decen player. Strong (looks like he beefed up) and with an excellent range of passing. All it took was for him to fly out of N17.

Reto Ziegler

Looked quite good on occasions but obviously must have flattered to deceive as whatever he was doing on the training pitch led to him being dropped, loaned out and sold. Was 18 when he went straight into the team. Cue plenty of ‘WORLD CLASS’ comments and other ridiculous statements.

Johnnie Jackson

Jackson for England indeed. Perfect example of how mediocrity at the club blinds the supporters to the truth. Jackson was shit. No fault of his own for being selected but he is a Championship player at best. And that’s been well proven since his departure. This is the typical standard of ‘quality’ we produce.

Dean Marney

Scoring two goals in that game against Everton more or less acted like several nails in the coffin. He was a bit beefy therefore we got the Gascoigne comparisons. Or maybe that was Mark Yates. I forget. Marney again is an example of players we produce that are not good enough for the first team yet we stick them in it.

Doesn’t make great reading.

Shock, horror

Yes I know, I hardly ever post a blog nowadays. Mainly due to rediscovering ketamine. I'm therefore light years behind on the recent In The Know gossip from the various Spurs message boards, but if they're anything like the diseased grapevine the tabloids are using then better spent time away then reading their Jackanory tales. I'm far too busy scratching my eyeballs out anyway.

Special mention goes out to everyone's favourite Bulgarian, DB. Apparently a no-show at the unveiling of the new Spurs kit on Tuesday. I'm sure Modric is happy enough to be the new darling of the Lane. Berbatov, Milan bound apparently now that AC are back in contention for a Champions League spot. And good luck to him. He's been leaving Spurs for about seven months now. A great player made greater by the fact that we haven't had a great player for a fucking age.

As for the other gossip. Eto'o (do me a favour), Diarra (lazy journalists), Anton (LOL).

Best laugh of the past several weeks has to go to Kaboul's outburst. Mate, get hold of a DVD of any one of your performances and you'll see what we see. Shit wrapped up in white toilet paper. You don't get selected because you're are shit. Think Titus Bramble. Think Titus Bramble, amputated legs and no sodding wheelchair.

Final game of the season on Sunday. Ooh I can't wait............cough.

This blog will pick up again once Tottenham pick up. So see you in 2011.

Dry them

It's simple. To any Spurs fans reading this (all three of you). Don't get your knickers in a twist about anything going on at the minute. Not until December. Then you can start your gloating or your crying, depending on circumstance. Until then, save your heart from unnecessary stress and just laugh at the calamity that burns your eyes. By listening to the critics and believing the hype birthed from those pockets of victories that falsely pass for progression you lot get a little too confused and with hearts on sleeves jump off a cliff like a lemming believing it will sprout wings.

In the past Spurs have failed to turn up when it mattered, and this season we've managed to turn up a number of times. Enough to win something. But the swagger has only made brief (if brilliant) appearances and has completely strayed away from travelling to the continent. Ton up and some with goals scored for and against at the Lane hasn't put us into a situation any better than a year or two years ago, has it? There's something there, something decent, something that could be even better. But at the minute its like searching for a diamond ring up King Kongs pile-infested crack.

Ramos has given us smiles and joy with a route to Europe, in the midst of him inheriting a side that basically, has over-achieved. Not under-achieved like you all wish to believe. Our group of players are only capable of producing the goods as a whole unit 10 times per season rather than 38 times. Yes, we can on occasions live with the best teams in the country, but so can West Ham United, and they manage to take more points off them.

So forget what Martin Jol did for us. Because it has no relevance to the present. The true impact of Ramos this season, having joined with the season already written off, has been to lay the foundations on the training field and in the kitchen. He'll salvage one or two players from the current lot, and then we'll sit back and watch Levy and Comolli spend another £50M in the summer. It's after this point that you can start analysing performance and tactics and all the other things you waste hours of your life posting about in message boards like 'In the know' info about how we are signing the new Zokora.

Two years from now, if we are not beginning another transitional period, then I'll open a bottle of twenty year old rum and have a quiet drink celebrating the progress made. If we are, I'll be shaking my fist in the general direction of Levy's seat in the directors box on match day with much veiny anger and a few choice words said under my breath before telling everyone I've only spent nearly £700 on a season ticket so I have the right to complain.

Epiphany

I had an epiphany. The precise moment was when Newcastle won a free-kick and Paul Robinson, chief architect, built a wall which he then inexplicable used to hinder his view. Everyone in the ground knew what was about to happen. It opened up and swallowed him.

This epiphany crystallised all that I could see before me. This was no longer White Hart Lane. The men in Lilywhite were no longer just ordinary men in shirts, shorts and socks. I could only stand back and marvel at the clarity of the truth that seemed to come out of nowhere like an optic blast, rendering me unconscious. And when I awoke, I could see everything for what it was.

Welcome to the Levy Institute for Mediocre Learning, formerly the Levy School for Ungifted Players. The worldwide headquarters of the S-Corporation.

These uncanny S-Men in their white and blue uniforms do not do anything by chance. They’re the result of a sudden back step in footballing evolution, latent with pathetic abilities which generally manifest themselves in most games post Carling Cup final.

Outsiders harbour an intense laughter fit for these Spurs players (Homo Inferiors), who are regarded by a number of TV pundits and message board users as the epitome of average and are thus widely viewed as a non-event threat-wise to the Big Four (© Sky Sports).

The S-Men have been funded by the the benevolent Professor Daniel Levy who has been at the helm of the academy for several years now, helping to train young over-priced players with exaggerated potentials with the misguided agenda to help protect themselves from Wengeto, the Head-Hunters and other such threats like away games and hotel food.

Professor L has what he believes to be an astonishing rota of Spurs players, aided by Cerebrolli which helps him detect over-rated players the world over. The S-Men flatter to deceive. Without spirit, guile and pride they ghost through 90 minutes, a shadow of their former Wembley glory and their black and white forefathers.

This is the...........

T H E ~ S – M E N

“I’m the best at what I do, but what I do isn’t very good” – Jermaine

Professor L

Species: Chairman
Notable aliases: Daniel Levy, The Bald King, The Master of Money
Abilities: Capable of increasing season tickets every year, consuming all the negative backlash, and still managing to sell-out all the seats in the ground. Has ability to manipulate the masses into buying over-priced club merchandise. Is able to exponentially fund the Institute with special DVD releases of victories over other clubs reserve teams and the £4000 coffee-table Opus. There's uncertainty over what his true agenda is.

The Special Juan

Species: Manager
Notable aliases: Juande Ramos, The 11 Club Man
Abilities: Oversees curricula and academic aspects, teaching the science of football and the mathematics of ‘scoring as many as we concede’. Capable of reality warping, manifested as probability alteration and magic; Ramos altered reality with three simple words “Make me dizzy”. Suddenly Spurs won silverware with the same crop of players that were failing miserably in the league. However, the reality warp has now faded, leaving him with an uphill struggle to once more achieve a miracle. His powers appear weak at the present moment. His leadership has also been questioned with his continued selection of the S-Men.

The Shit

Species: Goalkeeper and David James understudy
Notable aliases: Paul Robinson, England’s number six
Alter-ego: England’s Number, circa 2006
Abilities: Exquisite sense of footballing geometry, able to instruct defenders into positions that will near enough guarantee the ball to pass him into the back of the net. High sense of spatial awareness that allows him to position himself into impossibly stupid positions giving him no chance of getting the ball. Fires concussive long balls to forwards. Fires concussive force of abuse from mouth at everyone other than himself when looking to blame someone for another calamity. Has the uncanny ability to absorb confidence and turn it to shit. A master strategist and tactician at masterstroking a loss of at least 20 points per season down to his ability to create a goal out of nothing for the opposition.

Incapable

Species: Defensive Midfield
Notable aliases: Didier Zokora, Carrick Replacement, Holding midfielder
Abilities: Self absorption of own footballing skills through mere contact with other professional players, be it his own team mates or the opposition, and through simple contact with the ball. The longer on the pitch the longer Zokora retains the loss of his footballing skills. If he remains on the pitch long enough the absorption spreads to his fellow team members and results in team-wide failure. Because of his abilities, Spurs fans believe him to be cursed (see Carling Cup Final misses) as he involuntarily fucks up time and time again. This potentially fatal power prevents him from making true contact with the ball, hence the diabolical first touch. Is able to run with the ball in one direction and dance.

Messiah

Species: Creative Midfielder
Notable aliases: Adel Taarabt, Zidane II
Abilities: ‘World class’ (as defined by Spurs fans) mental footballing processing, including perfect footwork and the power to make the ball stick to his feet. Best suited for reserve games and the playground, rather than Premiership games which usually result with loss of possession, counter-attack and opposition goal. Part of the New S-Men group (which includes The False Prince Boateng, Danny Invisible Rose and Gareth Sicknote), hopes not to go the way of Blondel, Marney and Jackson who were all ousted from the Institute for being over-rated*.

*Shit.

The £8Million Man

Species: Unknown
Notable aliases: Younes Kaboul, future French international
Abilities: Great strength and stamina with the ability to become almost unstoppable while in motion. That’s unstoppable in the same way the ‘Keystone Cops’ were. Is able to create sheer panic and pandemonium in the stands simply by being in the starting line-up. Suggestions that he is in fact Timothee Atouba with a masking cloak has never been proved or disproved.

Mercenary

Species: Fullback
Notable aliases: Pascal Chimbonda
Abilities: Master thief, using his hypnotic charm into making others around him think he is a far better player than he is and thus getting minted with the aid of the illusion. No secret he wants to leave the S-Men, and is looking to marauder his way out of the Institute this summer. Has the ability to change the course of a football match by trying to dribble his way out of his own penalty area which results with the opposition gaining advantage.

Clumsy F*ck

Species: Defender, allegedly
Notable aliases: Michael Dawson
Abilities: Energy absorption and projection, which allows him to feed off others around him who posses actual ability. Otherwise, instinctively struggles to know present location on field and loses all sense of positional awareness. Ability to cause nausea, disorientation and unconsciousness - usually self-inflicted. Has comic awareness and forever ‘breaks the fourth wall’, as he smiles to the audience as they all ask ‘What the fuck are you doing now?’

The Sulk

Species: Forward
Notable aliases: Dimitar Berbatov
Abilities: Genius level intelligence, reflexes, coordination, balance and brain-speed with the ability to create something out of nothing....which is usually a disillusional strop or waving of hands around in disgust. Has telepathic abilities, but fails to project them onto others around him. Likes to meditate, usually during a game. This results with lack of tracking back and willingness to chase the ball down/win the ball back. Also has the ability to transcend to another plane. Some say the next time he does this it will be a plane to Manchester.

Jermaine

Species: Box-to-box Midfielder
Notable aliases: Jermaine Jenas, The Goldfish, Jenius
Abilities: Regenerative healing factor that allows him to be selected again and again and again and again. Strength, stamina, agility and reflexes in abundance but due to his jelly-laced skeletal structure is prone to disappearing on the field of play (not to be confused with invisibility). Simply fails to stand up when faced with true advisory. Also possesses retractable ‘claws’ otherwise known as his feet, which retract in one-on-one situations, penalty taking, retrieving second balls and crunching tackles. Has recently gone missing (in a mission of self-discovery some say) to return to the scene of the clandestine project in Nottingham which turns unwilling beings into footballers.

Cumbersome

Species: Midfielder
Notable aliases: Tom Huddlestone, The New Hoddle, The Future
Abilities: By far the most physically strongest S-Man. Ability to transform his body into immovable steel, granting him zero mobility and durability as he loses himself between the midfield and his own penalty area unable to defend or attack. Can pass the ball, much like any other half decent midfielder is capable of. Can hit the ball ‘sweetly’, much like any other half decent midfielder is capable of. Other than that, no longer has Ketchup and mayo with his food.

Blingz

Species: Winger
Notable aliases: Aaron Lennon
Abilities: Runs really really fast. Shaved eyebrow. Ability to stick to the by-line until losing the ball or falling over. Also has talent to blend into the shadows of opposing defenders. Has been suggested he possesses the power to remain at the same point in space and time while everything and everyone around him progress, develop and move on.

There we have it. The S-Men. There are others in reserve. But this particular group are the endangered species. These S-Men are fighting for their very survival and self-respect with the aim to impress The Special Juan. Well, you'd think they would be, but after Sunday's performance you'd do right to think otherwise. Will they avoid decimation?

Stay tuned to find out.

Le temps détruit tout

Have you ever seen Irréversible? There’s a quite brutal scene in the movie, uncomfortable as anything you're likely to see, where Monica Bellucci is anally raped. Then punched in the face and stomach repeatedly. That’s basically what the English Premier League is planning on doing to our beautiful game. So, stick that black armband on and close your eyes for a moment of thoughts and prayers. A minutes silence please. I don't want to hear a sound.

All 20 clubs have agreed to explore the proposal.

- Season extended by 39 games
- 10 extra games played
- The extra games will be played at venues all around the world
- Cities to bid for the rights to stage them
- Points will count towards the final league table
- The additional fixtures will be (possibly) determined by a draw (with the top 5 seeded)

What a farce.

We have gone from a game that belonged to the working class to a fucking shambolic family game that is better suited for the Disney Channel. We can’t stand at games without being threatened with losing our season ticket. We can’t swear at games without getting looks from stewards. Its a police state with £5 burgers for treats.

New stadiums resemble lifeless stadia better suited for mundane games of American Football, where people are more interested in hot dogs and cheerleaders.

Modern day football is heading towards an abyss of commercialism, more interested in serving up ribs and chips at half-time in executive boxes. The new prototype doesn’t want to be part of a tribe. Doesn’t want the adrenaline-rushed high and lows of supporting a club, no matter the league position, win draw or loss. The new prototype wants to be entertained. Brace yourselves, because you – the average true fan – is no longer important.

Expect this to go the way of Hollywood. Football players striking because they are not earning a percentage of the money earned by associations the world over. Its going to get bloated, like an over-budgeted blockbuster movie with big name stars in the leading roles, appealing to the easily pleased masses.

I don’t buy this crap about catering for the widest possible audience to help raise the profile of the game. Everyone who fucking matters already knows about football and the Prem League. The clubs are rich enough when they can spunk money on average talent and over-charge fans for season tickets. If a player can earn up to £60k a week today, what in 2011 when this fucking train wreck comes into effect?

“Some fans may feel aggrieved, but their concerns will be outweighed by the financial advantages for the clubs”

There. Right there. Fucking moneyshot in the eye. It’s all about the $$$$ and nothing else. Football has long sold out, but we could live with the executive boxes and a quiet Emirates Stadium. I’m an old romantic. I believe that the clubs – the club you support – is not the ground the pitch is on, or the name or the players. It’s the fans. Without the fans, the club would not exist. When the club up and moves location or players and managers move on, the fans are still there. The dawning of a new age will see us become redundant, unnecessary. A throw-back to the ‘poor old days’ of football. Your money won’t be missed, because there’s this cunt who can afford to bring 10 cunt’s to a game so they can sit in a box and eat sea bass.

There’s nothing in place, nothing to regulate this type of (de)evolution. FIFA? LOL. People will argue that if the Premier League wants to stay ahead of the other top continental leagues, then this will guarantee them the exposure and financial clout to keep Spain and Italy in the shade when attracting the very best players in Europe and the world. It’s a fucking move too far.

If this happens, I can’t wait to see who travels to Dubai or New York to see their team. Sounds a bit sexy that, doesn’t it? Fucking scab is what you are if you’re thinking about making a trip.

This is not the NFL. And providing the chance for foreign fans to enjoy a slice of Premiership action ‘live’ in their own backyard will only lead onto more drastic bastardisation of the game. One extra game is one game too many.

That's us in the pedestrian underpass. Fucked into a coma.

Time destroys all things.

Hello, Goodbye

Enough of this 'JD was part of the furniture' bullshit. He had no intention of signing a new contract and rather than spend hours debating whether it's a mistake to let him go to Pompey, it should simply be a case of: We dont want players who don't want us.

Defoe will score goals at Pompey for sure, but in the long run, his lack of footballing intelligence will shine through. At the age of 25 he has yet to work out that he doesn't have to get caught in the offside trap 98% of the time, considering the pace he possesses. And all the 'he's an instinctive goal-scorer' nonsense as a defence doesn't quite work when you look at his rather inept finishing this season.

That's not to say he hasn't made us smile once or twice, and there's probably no bitterness from the Spurs faithful either. Expect applause when he returns to the Lane. He was popular. But not better than Robbie Keane.

As for Gilberto. This is textbook Spurs. Failed medical? Unlikely. Thats the Comolli tactic of telling the selling club to lower their estimated value of the player. Its ok for us to spend £16M on Bent or £8M on Kaboul, but we haggle for a £2M player.

No last minute loan to cover for the departing Defoe, which means Keane and Berbatov have many games to look forward to between now and the end of the season, and Bent (when fit) will play a far bigger role. I'm sure Spurs will look to Europe come the summer when Berbatov departs. That's the reason no major major signing was made now. David Villa anyone? Unlikely without Champs League. So, better to wait for the whoring to begin the moment the season ends.

As for the defence. Sorted? Possibly. Interesting that Chimbonda didn't move on. Gardner joining Everton is a very strange move. Has Moyes seen Anthony play? Stalteri has gone to Fulham. Should find his level there. With Gilberto in, that gives us:

Gunter/Hutton/Chimbonda
King/Woodgate/Dawson/Kaboul
Bale/Gilberto/Lee

Add Huddlestone as a decent makeshift centre-back and Chimbonda capable of playing there too, and there's no doubting the cover we have in all the back four positions. Once Bale is back, I'ld like to see:

Hutton Woodgate King Bale

...line-up. For the time being, it's likely to be:

Hutton Woodgate King Gilberto

Which isn't too shabby.

As for the midfield, Ramos obviously has faith in the players we have, and maybe its for the better that no new defensive midfielder or attacking midfielder has joined the club. The likes of Jenas and O'Hara can prove something to the manager pre-summer transfer season. Although I expect at least one major signing for the middle of the park before next season.

Until then, this lot will have to do. First up, close the gap on West Ham.

Levy, you mug

Are you and the marketing department so desperate for money to make up for the £16M wasted on Darren Bent that are you resorting to small time kick-backs from the Spurs shop by commissioning small time crap like the above?

Yes, we beat the scum 5-1. The only mug I need to tell me the score is the mug of a miserable looking gooner.

Get fucking rid.

Time for a mass boycott of the club IMO.

NOBODY BUY CUP FINAL TICKETS IN PROTEST OF THIS QUITE DISGRACEFUL MONEY-GRABBING EVENT.

YOU'VE MADE A MUG OF YOURSELF LEVY AND YOU'VE MUGGED US OFF.

THE ARSENAL RESULT HAS BEEN OVER-SHADOWED BY YOUR GREED.

List

Hot

• Robbie Keane notching up his 100th goal for Spurs
• Our first half performance against Sunderland
• Huddlestone's passing and first half performance in same game
  
• The alleged rumours that the 'big signings' were Boswinga and Gonzalez

Not

• The second half performance against Sunderland
• The apparent signing of a 32 year old Brazilian left-back from Hertha on a pre-contract
• Another bout of 'Robbo hands in transfer request'....'Oh no he doesnt'....
• 'Tiago to sign'. Hasn't settled at previous 3 clubs. What the fuck makes us think he can settle in our mess of a midfield?

Really?

• Spurs sign Jason Banton from Arsenal, for £100,000

Who?

Whatever

• King and Berbatov are Newcastle targets. One more, proof that the Sunday papers are written by fucking idiots and bought by fucking morons.

If we lose to Arsenal at home

I will officially quit being a full time Spurs fan. I will then do a 'Bill Simmons' and select a new club to support. I think you should all do the same. Its time we all reclaimed some self-respect. I'm sick of us choking on the big occasions. I'm sick of waiting for a transitional period to result in actual full-on progression to the next level. I demand more and I aint getting it. If you paid a hooker for sex and hoped for some extras (bj and anal for example) with some additional bareback thrown in for good measure, but instead got a bland tugjob and then beaten up by her pimp when you complained - would you keep going back to her? Of course not. Yet I keep finding myself knocking at her door, believing her when she lets me in, that I will get what I want - what I long for, but always end up with no penetration, an empty wallet and all beaten up. I want the moneyshot God damn it! I want the glory.

To dare is to do? Well get on with it and fucking do it.