Matthew Norman is a Spurs fan. Not a very good one. See, unlike me, I want them to achieve success, whereas Norman prefers that Tottenham struggle for all eternity because he can then make biting remarks about the club/the players/the board and people would mistake him for an Arsenal fan thus providing him a sense of wellbeing that I’m sure allows him to sleep like a baby.

I haven’t read the Standard for a while. Would appear Daniel Levy has and from the sounds of it there’s been some name calling. Rather than ignore it, our guilt-ridden chairman has decided to strike with furious vengeance and ban the paper (and thus I'm guessing the reporters) from White Hart Lane. Apparently all because of the paper persistently printing ‘negative stories’ about the club.

Hmmm. You mean like the negative stories generated by your good self and that Kemsley character in the past week or so? Those type of stories?

I can appreciate that most, if not all, of the (footballing) media are blood-sucking dieased ridden leeches that base their ‘factual’ reporting and exclusives from information given to them by ‘club insiders’ (wink, wink). They swagger with ill repute disguised as freedom of speech believing they can print anything and claim everyone has the right to read it and believe it (no matter the lack of facts).

Now I’m not suggesting that Spurs don’t deserve the 'farce' tag after last week. But its been proven countless times in the past 10 or so days that the press have mis-quoted and then mis-quoted the mis-quotes. No different to the denials coming out of WHL – but that’s not the point. The truth - to our understanding - is enough to be reported on. We dont need it smacked about and then set on fire so it makes for better reading. Ok, metaphor didn't quite work there did it. I should ask David Mellor for advice.

Levy has fallen into a trap. And has given himself yet more unwanted media coverage with his blame everyone but the people who should be blamed tactics.

If you pee yourself during PE and a class mate tells everyone at school (everyone who wasn’t present to see the rather public humiliation) about it, exaggerating the story and saying you also pooped yourself – this doesn’t mean uninviting him from your birthday party is going to change the fact that you wet your pants in front of everyone and that its believed you also did a number two.

Fact is, you did pee yourself in public. You can’t run away from that fact. If someone wants to exaggerate the story, there’s not much you can do about it either. People tend to believe the lies more than the truth. And even if you know you didnt soil your pants, if 100 kids think you did - then that becomes a truth because it has 100 believers saying it.

See that’s what you are Levy. You're that kid. You’re a bed-wetter whose gone public, pissing yourself silly in front of all your class mates because you left your PE kit at home and you’ve been forced to do gym in your Mickey Mouse Y-Fronts and when the PE teacher points at you and then at the monkey bars you colour your pants yellow. Next thing you know, they’re calling you Shitty Pissy and the girls think you smell of tramp.

Why on why give Matthew Norman the green light to go ape-shit on your sorry arse with his bland sleepy articles? I mean, fucking ‘ell, doesn’t Matthew Norman sit in the West Stand at White Hart Lane? Normally I would encourage this kind of anarchy, but the bloke is not someone I’d have standing next to me in the Park Lane end. He's the type to complain when we're winning 3-0 because a crisp packet blew onto the pitch just before Keane side-foots home.

"Looks like a packet of Monster Munch in the penalty area. Pickled onion. Completely takes away the majesty of the counter-attack. Not happy with this at all"

Can you envisage his next column? Or the back page of today’s Evening Standard?

And what’s he guilty of? A sustained set of (personal) attacks at the club and chairman? What next? Revoke his season ticket? I feel a little left out over here.

Kemsley, Donna Cullen (director of communications) and Levy - you should all get themselves a box of Pampers to share.