Taxi for Meeeeeelan

I'm sure I speak for everyone when I say that I'm a tad excited about tomorrow. That other Tottenham. The uber-focused swaggering with intent Spurs will hopefully take to the stage to entertain, swashbuckle and consolidate on the 1-0 away leg lead. The only choking I want to see is from a fan in the West Stand biting too deeply into a bagel whilst attempting to scream out in joy at another marauding Bale run into the box.

Hopefully the game will produce a storming performance that can perhaps be captured in threads via another epic Studs Up t-shirt. Much like the last time a team from Milan visited White Hart Lane. Our Welsh wizard rampant. Maicon destroyed. Oohs a plenty.

The memories still warm the cockles of our Hart. Maicon might have been dispatched, but we still have a job to do on Wednesday night. In the mean time, click on the above to get the best-selling (re-stocked) Taxi for Maicon tee.

Glory glory.

COYS.

Chewbacca for Spurs in £23M deal?

Huddlestone collects the ball deep...oh that's a lovely cross field ball to the feet of Lennon, Hoodlesque from the big man…Lennon twists and turns out on the flank, cuts in, cuts back, plays it across to van der Vaart, van der Vaart dummy - the ball through his legs - collected by Modric who lays it first time to Bale. Bale...still Bale, past one man, past two, past three, crosses and ...Chewbacca with the run....CHEW-BAAAACAAAA !!

4-0. Beauty and best football by the home side.

Brilliant movement from Spurs, brilliant finish from Chewbacca who smashed the ball home with brutal ferocity after some quite majestic play from his Lilywhite team-mates. That's his second of the game, and this Tottenham side are positively inspired. Clinical and relentless.

And that's the whistle. Rampant display.. And it's only half-time. Park Lane are in full swing, chanting the name of their new hero...Chewie, Chewie, Chewie...Stewards are selling half-time dvd specials to the home crowd. Hedonistic scenes in N17...

I'm privileged to be commentating on this game, and although you can't see me, let me tell you, the big gold cockerel up on the East Stand is not the only thing to be standing proud and erect this Saturday afternoon.



The above is fantasy.

I mean seriously, four-nil up after 45 minutes? That and signing and starting Chewbacca might prove somewhat tricky, what with him apparently killed off in the serialised Star Wars novels. That and the fact he was birthed from the imagination of George Lucas and is thus a fictional character. Damn you, technicalities, damn you to hell.

But you just know that if we had him up front, rampaging and destroying opposition defences with his mere giant presence in both stature and personality, the rest of the team would need to find a new level of performance just to appease his big hairy feet. Because to not, would be beyond the realms of disrespect. Angry Wookie = trouble. If you thought Berbatov could sulk…

Chewie would no doubt need about a dozen storm-troopers marking him, and he'd be the one forcing them to run away in fear. In the unlikely event of us someone how signing Bellamy and covering him head to toe in super-glued grizzle bear fur, we're going to have to look at other options. And Craig is a touch short for the job in terms of height. Sorry Craig.

There's the possibility of out-sourcing. Comolli to scout the Dagobah system, perhaps? No Wookiee's to be found there, but I'm sure Damien would unveil Yoda as one for the future with the ability to elevate the team. Cue various dodgy grainy taken photos via mobile phones of Comolli, Yoda and agent sitting in a Burger King at the airport in plain sight agreeing terms.

Alas, back in the real world we have Jar Jar Binks leading from the front. So when exactly will the Tottenham strike back? Ah yes, an article full of lame Star Wars references weaker than a venomous Crouch shot.

Chewbacca signing for Spurs in a £23M deal? It aint happening. Some amongst you it wouldn't resolve our problems due to Chewie being slightly susceptible of a wandering mind and placing way too much emphasis on his heart than his mind. And much like that Bulgarian, God damn, can he be depressive. Russians are hard enough to manage, and the language barrier is going to be a nightmare. Then again, if players can just about make out what Robbie Keane bangs on about then perhaps I'm being a tad too harsh.

Having checked, Boba Fett and Darth Sidious are both unavailable and don't fancy the 50% tax with moves to England.

I've already touched on the necessity for a world class forward with an abundance of swagger in the previous blogs, and it's an echo of what we're all saying and hoping for. With van der Vaart arguably world class in terms of mental strength, technique and impact - if we had someone of similar ilk up front...and here we go again...it's ground-hog day. Close your eyes and imagine, and it will make you drool. Until January, if something does give way in terms of filling the gap, we still have to make do with what we have until the window re-opens.

So, what do we have exactly?

We know what Rafael gives us in terms of application and guile. We need him to give it to us away from home too. Luka is still on this perpetual road of mend to recapture the form we know he is capable of. Crafting and creating, starting the move from deep and playing killer balls in and around the box. When he does hit form, and he will soon, this will be huge for the team. Don't underestimate the difference between a 65% Luka and a 95% Luka. 100% Luka…and I'll be needing the smelling salts.

Bale has been granted a holiday, which is a cracking idea. Burn out, not an option - and with Manchester United away up next, we need him to be at his very best if Levy is going to rinse Fergie for £70M (Gareth's valuation goes up with each DML article that references him). Seriously though, Bale to United? You can't possibly believe the never-ending looping news articles covering this? Can you? Can you?

I find your lack of faith disturbing.

Lennon is continuing his rehabilitation, but his angry eyebrows would suggest he would much prefer Charlie behind him than Alan.

Crouch sort of doesn't but does assist vdV almost in an apologetic manner of just being there in the box. Basically, if he doesn't give away a free kick for simply breathing in the box, the ball might hit him or one of the defenders climbing up his legs and fall into the path of vdV. The Everton game, a perfect example. vdV expertly smashing the ball into the net from the magnetic ball to feet sent his way with the aid of the magical aura of Peter.

Any old excuse to re-post this.

One thing is for certain. It's not ideal having Crouchie up front in a 451. I'll admit it. Even if vdV has notched up five goals thus far. It's not Crouchie getting the goals. Whether it's hoof up to the lanky forward or to feet, it's not a tactic that is allowing for swash-buckle and that missing ingredient of intensity.

For the sake of hypothetical's, stick a Drogba, a Bellamy (hate to keep referring back to this git) or Chewbacca himself - and you just know that this would produce something extra. Something tangible in the way of a target. Because these ilk of players have plenty of ammunition and facets to their personality on the field. Drogba is a complete forward. Bellamy has tenacity and relentless annoyance (ironically, not a personal option due to his brittle bones, he's always injured, or at least it seems like he's always picking up knocks). And Chewbacca, cool and calm when required, but when required he simply doesn't give a sh*t and will f*ck you up.

Find the player, no matter the system, who can do the job. And the conundrum is surely solved. It is, isn't it?

Pause for thought.

And we're back again to the start. Ground-hog day.

Like I said, until Jan...we wait and in the mean time we hope we can find a rhythm and plenty of goals. It might come in the way of Defoe and his comeback. With his trademark power shots at goal. With vdV playing just off him. JD is more Kessel Run in less than twelve parsecs than C-3PO waddle, so it's going to be interesting to see how it pans out.

As a footnote to all this (off the back of the Everton game), I should give a special mention to Sandro who really does look the part. Tidy player, knows his way around the pitch, effective and once he hits his stride, he's going to be very good for us. In time. He does appear to have the composure (in his head) to be a success for us and the Prem. Might not be flair, but has substance.

As for our former defensive man of unbreakable bricks, Wilson?

Palacios is a bit like the Death Star in Return of the Jedi. It's there patiently waiting with the power to destroy, but not quite turned on. Is it operational or isn't it? Is it a trap? An attempted trap? Or just a really bad attempt at controlling the ball? And time. Its a ticking. And if we don't get a move on, it could go belly-up as quickly as you can say 'fire a laser at that unguarded thing over there to blow it up, seriously, it's that frigging easy'.

We want our Wilson back. In fact, we want our Tottenham back. More of that Star Destroyer swagger than slow-brooding AT-AT.

And finally, having dragged the Star Wars franchise through the mud kicking and screaming (hey, it's just like being George Lucas!) if Bale needs a rest in future and there's no time for a beach holiday, then I have two words for ya. Just two words. Two names in fact. A first and second name.

Niko. Kranjčar.

He's not a jedi. He's a Croat.

Thanks for your time, and may the facere be with you.

4 points, 2 games

Stoke 1 Spurs 2

Was it over the line? I guess it doesn't matter. Them the breaks Top 4 sides get, innit?

Nah, let's not sell-out just yet with that one.

I guess lady luck continues to hump our leg, be it frantically (is there a better way?) and I for one will just shrug and patronisingly point out how unfortunate Stoke were not to share the points today. But that's just me being diplomatic.

I'm all for clubs like Stoke, fighting tooth and nail, bullying and hassling opposition - especially opposition that in the past had a habit of crumbling and falling apart. Why should they pay respect to visitors? But we are made of sterner stuff these days, as witnessed by our sitting-back-and-taking-it-like-a-man performance in the second half. Much like last seasons visit, we did enough. And at this point in the season, before true form is found, I'll happily take three points at places like the Britannia. Shaky moments and everything.

I'm going to hazard a guess and say the 3-2 loss v Young Boy and the manner in which we went 3-0 down has hurt our mental strength some what. Panic, not quite of the catastrophic ilk, has crept back into our play. The sooner we get this play-off out of the way (and win it) the quicker Harry can settle with some consistency with his selection, and focus from the players on our immediate target: EPL points. So, I'm made up we left Stoke with all three points. King rested, Crouch the only available 'fit' forward, Kaboul in for Bassong, no Modric and the return of Jenas. 4-5-1. Crouch the lone man (Keane injured or dropped?). Depth. Even if we might be critical of the likes of JJ and Kaboul, I applaud their shift today. Can't really fault the team performance or Harry's selection.

The first half was decent enough. Azza slowly beginning to reclaim some of that lost end product. The opener, a clearance off the line, hitting Bale in the chest, and ending up in the net. 1-1, Gomes all dizzy in the box. But not too worry, 2-1, Bale again, and this time with a goal that you could watch endlessly. Giggesque, volley from the heavens. Lennon provider. Let's not be forgetting this won us the three points. Well, that and the officials reluctance to signal a Stoke equaliser in the second half.

First half though had us easily winning the possession percentages, passing the ball around with much confidence. And JJ could have made it three, unlucky not to.

So Bale sublime, all good, no complaints no massive concerns. Even though I couldn't help but think our defence was still susceptible to collapsing if pressure was applied. So I guess I did have concerns. I was wrong. But only just.

Second half, Stoke had a right go at us. I don't really want to bang on about the fact that we let them have a right go at us, because for me, defensive frailties and all, we still survived. We battled. Even Jenas got stuck in and worked hard off the ball. Tuncay asked a few questions. Gomes answered them by placing his hands over his ears and shouting 'lalalalalalalala'. Have to say though, that on closer inspection, our mad Brazilian was at times tripped and impeded (first goal anyone?). It wasn't an easy afternoon for him. But he seemed to experience a re-lapse with dealing with crosses. And if I take my blinkers off, I have to admit that Gomes was nowhere near being dominant in his area, and thus, sort of brought it on himself, falling over people and flapping.

Back to what I mentioned early, re: credit to clubs who might lack depth in quality by making it difficult for the likes of us to settle down and play. And although I have no intention of going all Wenger with the complaints, I did find Stoke tiresome, especially Shawcross, the dirty cheating bastard, kicking out petulantly at times. Gomes made a fine fine save from Tuncay, tipping over the bar. Stoke continued with their physicality, we continued to weather the storm. Harry makes a tactical switch (Walker on, Lennon off) and then its OMG time when a header is saved onto the underside of the crossbar, is then headed back in and appears to go over the line, hitting Crouch (chest? arm?) before being cleared off the line.

BLATTER?? WHERE IS THE GOAL LINE TECHNOLOGY?

It's not required. Well, not required until the same thing happens to us. Karma, that's what I'm going to go with here, what with Stoke's WWE tactics. We might have made hard work of it, but we stuck in there. We dug deep. I got it wrong pre-match, but I don't care. Swashbuckling can be left for Wednesday.

Loved Phil Thompson's remark about how the foul on Gomes in the build up to the 'goal' was not relevant because the referee did not give it, and yet talked up about how Stoke should have been awarded the goal and taken a point from the game. But the ref didn't give that either. So using Phil-logic™, is it not equally irrelevant also for the same reason?

It all sort of fixed itself up, one mistake following another, cancelling each other out. Discussions that will no doubt continue into the new week. Let's hope that's that, and we don't have any controversy in the play-off.

Being tested like this is fairly invaluable at this early stage. A reminder that new-look Spurs of 2010 is sticking around for 2011. I'm hoping now, with three points up on the board, the players can relax and look forward to the game that will truly define the next few weeks and months.

Tottenham, not quite brilliant, definitely resilient.

All hail Bale and Bentley

Back due to popular demand (three people emailed me)...

/drum roll

The Fantastical Return of the 'Stupendous Adventures of Bale and Bentley'

Gareth: Hello
David: Alright?
Gareth: How's tricks?
David: I'm playing first team football week in week out.
Gareth: I know. I'm playing too. It's lush.
David: It's amazing! I get to play on the right-wing and the gaffer rates me for it.
Gareth: You think that's good? Can you not hear the noise after I do something special on the pitch?
Gareth/David: BALE, BALE, BALE...

(both laugh)

David: What about me? I get cheered and applauded, even with the facial hair.
Gareth: Hobo chic is in.
David: It's in because of me. I made it 'in'. How did we both manage to turn things around?
Gareth: I don't know. I guess we were both patient, bided our time and got a bit lucky too?
David: It has nothing to do with luck Gareth. It was hard graft. And to think we were both lined up for moves away a few months back.
Gareth: We really got our shit together.
David: We did, our change in fortunes was because we both believed we would overcome the adversity.
Gareth: BALE, BALE, BALE...
David: Give us a hug!

Three months earlier…

Al: Ziggy says the odds are not very good.
Sam: How 'not good' are they?
Al: Oh, you know. They're way down there not good.
Sam: You're not helping Al. What am I meant to do here?
Al: Ziggy had a new data search component installed and we had to have it shipped in from Hong Kong and I think that gave a little jet-lag to its cpu processing chip...
Sam: Why do you make this stuff up all the time? Why don't you just say, 'Sam, we don't know'. Why don't you just do that for once instead of making it all up?
Al: Well, that wouldn't be any fun, would it?
Sam: A little help please.
Al: You sort of look like a half man half chimp cross-breed. Oh, hold on, Ziggy's now 91% sure that you're here to save this man from some kind of voodoo hoodoo curse.
Sam: Great.
Al: And Ziggy's also 98.9% on the money that when you're done with him, you'll be leaping into that man over there to save him from a life wasted living in skips.
Sam: What man?
Al: The one star-jumping and crying profusely.
Sam: Oh boy...