Chewbacca for Spurs in £23M deal?
Tuesday, October 26, 2010 at 11:56AM Huddlestone collects the ball deep...oh that's a lovely cross field ball to the feet of Lennon, Hoodlesque from the big man…Lennon twists and turns out on the flank, cuts in, cuts back, plays it across to van der Vaart, van der Vaart dummy - the ball through his legs - collected by Modric who lays it first time to Bale. Bale...still Bale, past one man, past two, past three, crosses and ...Chewbacca with the run....CHEW-BAAAACAAAA !!
4-0. Beauty and best football by the home side.
Brilliant movement from Spurs, brilliant finish from Chewbacca who smashed the ball home with brutal ferocity after some quite majestic play from his Lilywhite team-mates. That's his second of the game, and this Tottenham side are positively inspired. Clinical and relentless.
And that's the whistle. Rampant display.. And it's only half-time. Park Lane are in full swing, chanting the name of their new hero...Chewie, Chewie, Chewie...Stewards are selling half-time dvd specials to the home crowd. Hedonistic scenes in N17...
I'm privileged to be commentating on this game, and although you can't see me, let me tell you, the big gold cockerel up on the East Stand is not the only thing to be standing proud and erect this Saturday afternoon.
The above is fantasy.
I mean seriously, four-nil up after 45 minutes? That and signing and starting Chewbacca might prove somewhat tricky, what with him apparently killed off in the serialised Star Wars novels. That and the fact he was birthed from the imagination of George Lucas and is thus a fictional character. Damn you, technicalities, damn you to hell.
But you just know that if we had him up front, rampaging and destroying opposition defences with his mere giant presence in both stature and personality, the rest of the team would need to find a new level of performance just to appease his big hairy feet. Because to not, would be beyond the realms of disrespect. Angry Wookie = trouble. If you thought Berbatov could sulk…
Chewie would no doubt need about a dozen storm-troopers marking him, and he'd be the one forcing them to run away in fear. In the unlikely event of us someone how signing Bellamy and covering him head to toe in super-glued grizzle bear fur, we're going to have to look at other options. And Craig is a touch short for the job in terms of height. Sorry Craig.
There's the possibility of out-sourcing. Comolli to scout the Dagobah system, perhaps? No Wookiee's to be found there, but I'm sure Damien would unveil Yoda as one for the future with the ability to elevate the team. Cue various dodgy grainy taken photos via mobile phones of Comolli, Yoda and agent sitting in a Burger King at the airport in plain sight agreeing terms.
Alas, back in the real world we have Jar Jar Binks leading from the front. So when exactly will the Tottenham strike back? Ah yes, an article full of lame Star Wars references weaker than a venomous Crouch shot.
Chewbacca signing for Spurs in a £23M deal? It aint happening. Some amongst you it wouldn't resolve our problems due to Chewie being slightly susceptible of a wandering mind and placing way too much emphasis on his heart than his mind. And much like that Bulgarian, God damn, can he be depressive. Russians are hard enough to manage, and the language barrier is going to be a nightmare. Then again, if players can just about make out what Robbie Keane bangs on about then perhaps I'm being a tad too harsh.
Having checked, Boba Fett and Darth Sidious are both unavailable and don't fancy the 50% tax with moves to England.
I've already touched on the necessity for a world class forward with an abundance of swagger in the previous blogs, and it's an echo of what we're all saying and hoping for. With van der Vaart arguably world class in terms of mental strength, technique and impact - if we had someone of similar ilk up front...and here we go again...it's ground-hog day. Close your eyes and imagine, and it will make you drool. Until January, if something does give way in terms of filling the gap, we still have to make do with what we have until the window re-opens.
So, what do we have exactly?
We know what Rafael gives us in terms of application and guile. We need him to give it to us away from home too. Luka is still on this perpetual road of mend to recapture the form we know he is capable of. Crafting and creating, starting the move from deep and playing killer balls in and around the box. When he does hit form, and he will soon, this will be huge for the team. Don't underestimate the difference between a 65% Luka and a 95% Luka. 100% Luka…and I'll be needing the smelling salts.
Bale has been granted a holiday, which is a cracking idea. Burn out, not an option - and with Manchester United away up next, we need him to be at his very best if Levy is going to rinse Fergie for £70M (Gareth's valuation goes up with each DML article that references him). Seriously though, Bale to United? You can't possibly believe the never-ending looping news articles covering this? Can you? Can you?
I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Lennon is continuing his rehabilitation, but his angry eyebrows would suggest he would much prefer Charlie behind him than Alan.
Crouch sort of doesn't but does assist vdV almost in an apologetic manner of just being there in the box. Basically, if he doesn't give away a free kick for simply breathing in the box, the ball might hit him or one of the defenders climbing up his legs and fall into the path of vdV. The Everton game, a perfect example. vdV expertly smashing the ball into the net from the magnetic ball to feet sent his way with the aid of the magical aura of Peter.
One thing is for certain. It's not ideal having Crouchie up front in a 451. I'll admit it. Even if vdV has notched up five goals thus far. It's not Crouchie getting the goals. Whether it's hoof up to the lanky forward or to feet, it's not a tactic that is allowing for swash-buckle and that missing ingredient of intensity.
For the sake of hypothetical's, stick a Drogba, a Bellamy (hate to keep referring back to this git) or Chewbacca himself - and you just know that this would produce something extra. Something tangible in the way of a target. Because these ilk of players have plenty of ammunition and facets to their personality on the field. Drogba is a complete forward. Bellamy has tenacity and relentless annoyance (ironically, not a personal option due to his brittle bones, he's always injured, or at least it seems like he's always picking up knocks). And Chewbacca, cool and calm when required, but when required he simply doesn't give a sh*t and will f*ck you up.
Find the player, no matter the system, who can do the job. And the conundrum is surely solved. It is, isn't it?
Pause for thought.
And we're back again to the start. Ground-hog day.
Like I said, until Jan...we wait and in the mean time we hope we can find a rhythm and plenty of goals. It might come in the way of Defoe and his comeback. With his trademark power shots at goal. With vdV playing just off him. JD is more Kessel Run in less than twelve parsecs than C-3PO waddle, so it's going to be interesting to see how it pans out.
As a footnote to all this (off the back of the Everton game), I should give a special mention to Sandro who really does look the part. Tidy player, knows his way around the pitch, effective and once he hits his stride, he's going to be very good for us. In time. He does appear to have the composure (in his head) to be a success for us and the Prem. Might not be flair, but has substance.
As for our former defensive man of unbreakable bricks, Wilson?
Palacios is a bit like the Death Star in Return of the Jedi. It's there patiently waiting with the power to destroy, but not quite turned on. Is it operational or isn't it? Is it a trap? An attempted trap? Or just a really bad attempt at controlling the ball? And time. Its a ticking. And if we don't get a move on, it could go belly-up as quickly as you can say 'fire a laser at that unguarded thing over there to blow it up, seriously, it's that frigging easy'.
We want our Wilson back. In fact, we want our Tottenham back. More of that Star Destroyer swagger than slow-brooding AT-AT.
And finally, having dragged the Star Wars franchise through the mud kicking and screaming (hey, it's just like being George Lucas!) if Bale needs a rest in future and there's no time for a beach holiday, then I have two words for ya. Just two words. Two names in fact. A first and second name.
Niko. Kranjčar.
He's not a jedi. He's a Croat.
Thanks for your time, and may the facere be with you.
Reader Comments (70)
Spur AND Star Wars? You're spoiling us...
I just want some bloody strikers who can score! I'm beginning to think Keane and Crouch weren't the droids we were looking for...
Any thoughts on the potential Khumalo deal that has gone through? Personally I would have preferred an announcement saying that we'd signed our very own Vidic or (dare I say) Vermaelen (it has to be with a 'V' apparently...)
Between this and the Spurs Musing article my head has been frizzled. It's a good thing.
STAR WARS FANBOY ALERT.
Note how the Phantom Menace didn't get a single mention.
5/5
Class act Spooks.
Niko on the left. You know that's not likely to happen unless Bale gets injured right?
What the fuck is this shit??
star wars fanboy alert lol.
This could very well be one of your best posts yet Spooks.
I knew Chewie was going to sign for us!
To be honest I thought Wilson did alright for the first time in ages on saturday (other than the card of course). But sandro definitely impressed. We really do need a wookie up front though. If only ENIC was the galactic empire, then we could enslave Kashyyyk! Solves the financial problems too because they can build the new stadium for free!
Wasnt Chewbacca a girl??
Chewie a girl? That would explain the mood swings.
Signing Chewie is a terrible idea. Wookies pull people's arms out of their sockets when they lose, they're known for that. Just think what sort of a match ban he'd get for that.
if that is your cup of tea Gary ... i am not one to judge
Chewbacca v Howard Webb.
I'd pay to see that.
I am looking forward to the post match interviews , i reckon chewie would make more sense than Ancelotti
That is Spurs' eternal problem. Instead of Luke Skywalker, we get Luke Young. Instead of Hans Solo we get Hans Segers. Instead of Yoda we get Toda! However instead of Lando we get Sandro!
cheewie and we get khamalo.
Not a million miles away tho is it? Can Khamalo play upfrot, and gow more hair?
I like it Tony.
Matty = Racist
Bale will start v United. Can't not start. Would also drop Crouch and play Pav. Attack them on the deck. Good a chance as we've ever had to do something up there that does not involve us giving away the lead. I know, I know, United have had a springboard victory and will be looking to put right all that's wrong with recent results but I'm confident.
Who's the ref for the game?
Cheap title.
Everyone knows Chewbacca is worth £30M. Looks like we might lose out. Jabba the Hutt* has a bounty out on him.
* Fat Sam
Actually, I met and had a good ol' chinwag with Boba Fett (or at least actor Jeremy Bulloch, who played him in the original trilogy), near the Spurs Store in Harlow a while back.
I can confirm that Boba Fett is not only a lovely fella, but is a proper Yid, and loves Spurs dearly - it's true.
We have Peter Cook and Boba Fett, and the Arse have Piers Morgan and Kevin Costner.
There's karma for ya.
And don't forget instead of Vader we got Vega. I found his lack of ability disturbing.
It gets better Tony. Instead of Princess Leia we got Prince Boateng. Instead of Boba Fett we got Bobby Mimms. I'd prefer JJ to Jar-Jar, but would rather have had Vader than Vega. Rather have Jabba the Hudd than Jabba the Hutt, but 3PO would be more use than 3MP up front at the moment. And I think I'd have preferred Palpatine to Palacios.
Nice one Beadle...I was spent by the time I got to Lando...
Not a fan of Star Wars. THX1138 was good though, using drugs to control the people. Davspurs?
I preferred THFC1984 much better...
Talk about your inner nerd taking over! haha
Great article. Besides a fit Ledley and Dawson we really do need a new world class striker and Defoe back. Sandro is going to be great and Wilson will come right.
Mental!
Is it International Break again or summit?
W3 - Well yes Bale must start. Because No.1 Neville probably will be playing at right back. No.2 Neville was just the warm up. Gary Nev is 35 and nearly got sent off against Stoke on Sunday. Imagine him trying not to get sent off with 6 ft 1 of Welsh thunder coming at him!
Need a lie down now
Now Spooks, get some semblance of sense into your articles. This wastes time reading it. Come on man this is a bit shite.
To be fair, there's some sense in there. Granted 20%, but that works for me.
What is this sense you speak of?
POSTFU.
a fine article, especially agree with the mention of Sandro and Kranjcar. Sandro really did look the part, strong, fast, comfortable on the ball and great tackling and determination. I have no idea what Redknapp is doing with Kranjcar, its not as though he cant play or wont fit with the team, he scored 8 from midfield last season more than any of the others, set up a few too. He has to start getting more games or we will definately lose him. There wil be many occasions this season where we will need something different than Bale as not only will he be fucked from running the length of a marathon a game, teams will be set up for his wing play while Kranjcar offers a more central game while also having the ability to cross. Come on 'Arry! COYS
Modric is looking better, sharper, with each game. Still way off.
Anyone impressed with Kaboul over the weekend?
Seriously. What's Chewbacca doing these days.? I heard he was working as Bruce Dickinson's co-pilot.
I've heard he opened a pub in Surrey.
He's doing live sex phone-in shows on Babestation.
/\ That isn't Chewie. That's Bex from Big Brother /\
This isn't the easiest post to follow although I've never been interested in Star Wars.
I Agree that our striker situation isn't great and hope that Pav is started vs. Man USA. Maybe we can get someone in in Jan but in reality having Defoe back may be enough for us.
The new defender from SA seems like a decent punt (only £1.5) so be interesting to see if he can make it.
6 days without a Spurs match and it's not an International break.. what the devil is going on! Zzz Bring on Utd and Inter!
Oh, and play the (outfield) Croats 'Arry!
May the force be with you Spooks.
I'm very impressed with how you got the little thingy over the c in Niko Kranjcar's name. I know I should be paying more attention to the rest of the piece and as always it was a joy to read but I need to know how to do the little thingy just so I know.
Trade secret.
Cheque for £99 will cover it. I'll wait until it clears before I send you the pack.
I'm sure he had to retire due a persistant knee problem and now acts as agent for his son, Lumpawaroo. (look it up on Wookieepedia, yes, there is such a thing as Wokkieepedia!).
Boba Fet will go to City for Money. He's part Bulgarian I think.
Please let's not lose Niko "Death-Star" Kranjcar. Use him or lose him.
Wookieepedia? Really?
Superb.
Jabba the Hut even has his own facebook page. I can't wait for Top Gear to test drive the Millenium Falcon, we handed it over to our tame racing driver......some say he's currently in the Degoba system.....all we know is, he's called, the Wookiee.
and yes, we would be a totally different side if we had a "Drogba, or a Chewie" up front. We've got pathetic forwards without Defoe, and he's more Ewok than Wookiee.