A day in the life of Arsene Wenger

8:05 am Wakes up. Showers, gets dressed plans breakfast. Can smell burning, toast is over-cooked. He did not see the heating dial had been pushed to its highest setting. Blames the wife.

8:25 am Breakfast finished. Doesn't accept full responsibility for doing the washing up. Then sees there's no Fairy Liquid left. Squats down to the floor and holds his head. "I just don't understand how it was not picked up when it was clearly on the shopping list. It's a mystery".

9:45 am Walks to the newsagents to pick up his morning paper. Man walking a dog brushes by him, shoulders touch. Screams "victimisation" to a police officer on the opposite of the road who ignores his plea, then tells the officer he's a disgrace for not offering protection to the blatant brutality he has been subjected too by the criminal dog-walker.

9:57 am On way home from newsagents, a car pulling out of the drive way fails to see a cyclist, knocking his bike over with the cyclist falling to the ground. The cyclist screams at the driver and asks Wenger for his assistance. Wenger replies, "I did not see the incident either", then continues walking.

11:04 am Has a right royal go at an old lady for littering after she accidently drops a tissue on the ground. "Disgraceful you should never walk down the street again". Walks away furiously muttering to himself, finishes off his Milky Bar, scrunches up the wrapper and throws it to the pavement. The old lady is about to point out to him that he's a hypocrite, but Wenger is already half way down the street, skipping, with fingers in ears, singing la la la la la la...

11:15 am Wife asks for help with the ironing. Wenger replies "If you do not believe you can do it then you have no chance at all".

12:14 pm Sky planner failed to record yesterdays 'Loose Women'. Throws cup of tea to the ground smashing it whilst uncomfortably shifting on the sofa looking perplexed.

2:01 pm Next door neighbour complains about the tree in Wenger's back garden that is blocking the sunlight. Wenger explains "I am one or two percent away from dominating the neighbourhood".

4:49 pm Buying dinner in M&S, gets to the cashier. Has forgotten his wallet at home. Takes the bottle of wine from the basket and throws it to the ground, smashing it. Blames the cashier for the incident.

5:15 pm Whilst dusting the living room, the wife suggests placing a lamp and an assortment of ornaments onto the coffee table. Wenger nods approvingly. Then waits for her to leave and moves everything onto the empty cabinet up against the wall.

6:30 pm Wife complains about a floater in the toilet basin and asks if he forgot to flush the loo to which he responds with "I do believe, errrrr".

7:19 pm Eating dinner, asks if there is any dessert. Wife points out he did the shopping so if he didn't pick any up there isn't any. Wenger throws his plate to the floor smashing it and then squats, shaking his head profusely. Pat Rice also shakes his head at lack of dessert.

8:44 pm Washing up the dishes after dinner, wife points out there is still no Fairy Liquid. Checks his shopping list from M&S and notes it was not on the list - again. Explains that statistically it should have been on the list as it's unlikely to be forgotten twice when it's essential to the workings of the kitchen. Doesn't quite understand how it's happened. Wife asks him to write it on the new shopping list for tomorrow. Wenger tells her he will do it later.

9:19 pm Winning by two laps and show-boating in Mario Kart Wii online, capitulates and crashes coming in second. Smashes controller to the ground. Then rants about how multi-player rival KosherArry cheated by firing an assortment of power-ups at him thus not allowing him to race properly. Complains this would never have happened on the N64 version which is far superior.

10:15 pm In bed with wife. She asks for some romantic attention. Wenger looks around to her and says, "I believe that this bedroom has a great future, and I'm sure we will show it next, if not this year...but probably next year".



Arsene Wenger's Guide to Losing Graciously

Hello. My name is Arsene. You may know me from such incidents as Pizzagate and my exercise video 'Squat Yourself to Size Zero'.

Welcome to my guide to losing graciously. Let's begin.

Controversial Incidents

If, for example, one of your players is several feet away and spits in the face of another player, simply close your eyes or look away and if questioned later for your opinion state that your eyes were closed during the whole duration of the alleged incident and you could not possibly comment on something that you did not see, especially as the likelihood of it actually having occurred is unlikely because you did not see it.

Heavy Defeats

If you lose 5-1 away in a cup tie or 4-1 at home in the league, do not admit you have been outplayed or outperformed. Because that is simply not the case. My team never loses because they are second best. We lose when the opposition manipulate circumstance and luck which results in a fluke outcome that does not equate to the balance of the game. State that it was never (for example) a 4-1 game and that had the opposition not scored the four goals then the result would have gone in your favour.

Any defeat

The game is not about putting the ball in the net but about how many opportunities you carve out in a game. If the opposition have two or three chances and score them and we have eight or nine clear cut chances but fail to convert, then the opposition has not won because they were the better team. They won because we nearly scored eight goals.

'Ok, count to ten and the incident will be removed from this timeline'

Mistakes

It's important to understand that if you lose its is because the team or an individual made a mistake and had the mistake not been made then a victory would have been accomplished in our favour. Remember, you are only ever defeated by one's own self.

The Kids

If we win games with our academy and youth players it is amazing and proof we have the best young players in Europe. They are the best as long as they are playing Championship sides at home or reserve teams. If we play a first team and get beaten, this does not matter. If we play a first team and win, then do not act surprised. Remember, we have amazing young players who have gone on to do fantastic things at other clubs.

Apologising

I do not understand this. Is this a cockney slang rhyme?

Young first team

Always make sure the average age of the first team is around twenty-two or twenty-three years. Their time will come with experience. The past four years we have played with this philosophy and we are now three-quarters of a percent away from dominating the league. There is no need to buy an experienced holding midfielder or a centre-back. Simply rotate the kids from one year to the next making sure the average age is always in the early twenties and when they turn twenty-four or twenty-five, replace them with younger players. Continue this rotation system and the percentage will continue to drop.

Diving

Accuse other teams of diving and cheating but what if your own player is guilty of it? Ha! Trick question. Your own players are never ever guilty of it.

Losing to lesser sides

If the unthinkable occurs and you lose away to a side like Sheffield United then this has only happened because they have refused to play football and have instead used physicality to bully and foul their way through the game not allowing us time on the ball and not allowing us to play our natural game so we can score at will.

Facepalm©

When something happens that is not meant to happen, place your head in the palms of your hand. An additional squat aids to illustrate the injustice.

NEXT WEEK: Arsene reveals his perfect recipe for lasagna.