A day in the life of Arsene Wenger
Tuesday, November 23, 2010 at 1:00PM 8:05 am Wakes up. Showers, gets dressed plans breakfast. Can smell burning, toast is over-cooked. He did not see the heating dial had been pushed to its highest setting. Blames the wife.
8:25 am Breakfast finished. Doesn't accept full responsibility for doing the washing up. Then sees there's no Fairy Liquid left. Squats down to the floor and holds his head. "I just don't understand how it was not picked up when it was clearly on the shopping list. It's a mystery".
9:45 am Walks to the newsagents to pick up his morning paper. Man walking a dog brushes by him, shoulders touch. Screams "victimisation" to a police officer on the opposite of the road who ignores his plea, then tells the officer he's a disgrace for not offering protection to the blatant brutality he has been subjected too by the criminal dog-walker.
9:57 am On way home from newsagents, a car pulling out of the drive way fails to see a cyclist, knocking his bike over with the cyclist falling to the ground. The cyclist screams at the driver and asks Wenger for his assistance. Wenger replies, "I did not see the incident either", then continues walking.
11:04 am Has a right royal go at an old lady for littering after she accidently drops a tissue on the ground. "Disgraceful you should never walk down the street again". Walks away furiously muttering to himself, finishes off his Milky Bar, scrunches up the wrapper and throws it to the pavement. The old lady is about to point out to him that he's a hypocrite, but Wenger is already half way down the street, skipping, with fingers in ears, singing la la la la la la...
11:15 am Wife asks for help with the ironing. Wenger replies "If you do not believe you can do it then you have no chance at all".
12:14 pm Sky planner failed to record yesterdays 'Loose Women'. Throws cup of tea to the ground smashing it whilst uncomfortably shifting on the sofa looking perplexed.
2:01 pm Next door neighbour complains about the tree in Wenger's back garden that is blocking the sunlight. Wenger explains "I am one or two percent away from dominating the neighbourhood".
4:49 pm Buying dinner in M&S, gets to the cashier. Has forgotten his wallet at home. Takes the bottle of wine from the basket and throws it to the ground, smashing it. Blames the cashier for the incident.
5:15 pm Whilst dusting the living room, the wife suggests placing a lamp and an assortment of ornaments onto the coffee table. Wenger nods approvingly. Then waits for her to leave and moves everything onto the empty cabinet up against the wall.
6:30 pm Wife complains about a floater in the toilet basin and asks if he forgot to flush the loo to which he responds with "I do believe, errrrr".
7:19 pm Eating dinner, asks if there is any dessert. Wife points out he did the shopping so if he didn't pick any up there isn't any. Wenger throws his plate to the floor smashing it and then squats, shaking his head profusely. Pat Rice also shakes his head at lack of dessert.
8:44 pm Washing up the dishes after dinner, wife points out there is still no Fairy Liquid. Checks his shopping list from M&S and notes it was not on the list - again. Explains that statistically it should have been on the list as it's unlikely to be forgotten twice when it's essential to the workings of the kitchen. Doesn't quite understand how it's happened. Wife asks him to write it on the new shopping list for tomorrow. Wenger tells her he will do it later.
9:19 pm Winning by two laps and show-boating in Mario Kart Wii online, capitulates and crashes coming in second. Smashes controller to the ground. Then rants about how multi-player rival KosherArry cheated by firing an assortment of power-ups at him thus not allowing him to race properly. Complains this would never have happened on the N64 version which is far superior.
10:15 pm In bed with wife. She asks for some romantic attention. Wenger looks around to her and says, "I believe that this bedroom has a great future, and I'm sure we will show it next, if not this year...but probably next year".
Reader Comments (91)
Pat Rice files for divorce.
Harry's day-Twitch,Twitch,Twitching,Twitching and Twitching only and then blames his striker for not scoring like his wife!
You are a piece of work Spooky! Enjoyed every bit of it :)
Why do you focus on Arsenal ? Wenger has achieved more than any Tottenham manager ever has.
He's French, ne's pas?
Quality.
Blatantly copy and pasted from Arsene's autobiography.
Where's your sense of humour Raggy? Bloody hell, it appears 14 years of the nutty professor has left their supporters completely incapable of friendly banter.
Atleast he doesnt look like a white gorilla
'Rice also shakes his head at lack of dessert'
Love it! Muller rice all over my computer screen.
"9:19 pm Winning by two laps and show-boating in Mario Kart Wii online, capitulates and crashes coming in second. Smashes controller to the ground. Then rants about how multi-player rival KosherArry cheated by firing an assortment of power-ups at him thus not allowing him to race properly. Complains this would never have happened on the N64 version which is far superior."
Classic. Absolute comedy gold.
Arsenal fans devoid of humour. Who would believe it? You do know Spooky also rips the piss out of Spurs on a regular occurrence so don;t think you're being singled out here. And victimised. Oh wait now I understand your reactions.
Like manager, like fans.
Very funny. The Mario Kart entry made me spit.
"Wenger throws his plate to the floor smashing it and then squats, shaking his head profusely. Pat Rice also shakes his head at lack of dessert. "
Haha...Brilliant! Made my afternoon!
My favourite is this
"Wife asks for help with the ironing. Wenger replies "If you do not believe you can do it then you have no chance at all".
Brilliant. Might have to use that myself.
I thought this article lacks severe creativity and boring ramblings till I believe that this bedroom has a great future, and I'm sure we will show it next, if not this year...but probably next year".
LOLLLLL! brilliant
Been stalking Wenger Spooky ? Got tired of levy's front garden ?
Cracker.
It's actually pretty funny, well done on the Mario Kart bit. Have your moment lads.
'Day in the life' is almost sitcomesque.
ITV sitcom anyone?
Nice one !! On that note of satyr Im off to bed ..roll on Thursday morning (sorry wed night for you guys)
I didnt think paedophiles had wives.
All very funny stuff.
Also quite funny that it took your fans, your management teams, a succession of players and numerous other people associated with Tottenham Hotspur Football Club 14 years to get the better of him on his home turf. That's 14 years. You may think he is an easy target, and flawed, but then what does that make Spurs?
His record over Tottenham is his greatest gift to Gooners and your outpouring of joy over the last few days, I think, just reveals the depths which Arsene Wenger has forced you to in the last 14 years...
Spooky, you have set your standards very high, "so high in fact that even failure will have in it an echo of glory." as a great man once nearly said. Great stuff as always, though le prof is an easy target for satire!
"Also quite funny that it took your fans, your management teams, a succession of players and numerous other people associated with Tottenham Hotspur Football Club 14 years to get the better of him on his home turf. That's 14 years. You may think he is an easy target, and flawed, but then what does that make Spurs?!"
Good attempt but not exactly diarised to such comic effect.
"All very funny stuff.
Also quite funny that it took your fans, your management teams, a succession of players and numerous other people associated with Tottenham Hotspur Football Club 14 years to get the better of him on his home turf. That's 14 years. You may think he is an easy target, and flawed, but then what does that make Spurs?
His record over Tottenham is his greatest gift to Gooners and your outpouring of joy over the last few days, I think, just reveals the depths which Arsene Wenger has forced you to in the last 14 years..."
Gotcha! Reel em in. Too easy.
Alan -- no-one is disputing his achievements, but he is so staggeringly ungracious in defeat that he does lend himself to a bit of a send up. Get over yourself.
Lol, Oh it hurts doesn't it?! You better get used to it, cos there's a good chance we'll do the league double over you this season, chump!
Sorry Alan I misread your posting -- my comment was intended for 50 years etc.
It's almost at the point where both us gooners and you spuds have the same opinion of our 'manager'. Which is fucking criminal. Had to chuckle (through the tears) at parts of your post. Especially 11.15am - might have to try that one.
You should be doing stand up or something surely, you're wasted here. Joe pasquale and jim davidson have apparently stopped their weekly tours of Torquays fine residential care homes. Word round the camp fire is they are looking for a suitably hackneyed replacement... If youre interested in putting your finely honed powers of observational comedy (circa 1998) to a wider audience, please send your details to idonthaveasenseofhumoureither@thelowestcommondenominator.co.ck
Alan.... it makes us 3-2 better than you.
Joe and Jim? They've been guest bloggers on this site for years. Good lads the both of them although that Jim is a bit nasty with the jokes.
Steady on Tom -- we can only take so much hilarious material in one sitting you know. Love what you did with the email address as well: .co.ck -- it looks like "cock", which of course is part of the Spurs emblem: BRILLIANT! ar.se
Seb - hasn't it always been the case you've slated Wenger when you have pockets of problems with performances? Wenger seems to have lost his way in the past 4-5 years. But its probably because of the depth of quality of players. He doesn't have anywhere near the side he did in the mid-90's and also early 2000's. Transfer policy of buying yoof and cheap unknowns not quite working any more.
Arsenal fans never laugh at anything unless it's taking the piss out of Spurs and usually its the lowest grade crap you can think of. Who gives a shit if they don't find this funny? Between this and their performance I'll be laughing into next weekend.
actually we do have a sense of humour , i found it hilarious but that being said it'snot as funny as the countless number of managers youv'e had over 14 years trying to better him & would you seriously put your money on ol dodgy arry pulling it off?
As a Gooner, I have to admit this was very very funny, but only because it was written by one of the FEW articulate, intelligent and "REAL" Spurs fans,
You know "YOUR HISTORY"....1-2 Titles i believe against Arsenal's 13.
You know "YOUR PEDIGREE"....14 Major trophies against Arsenal's 28.
You know the last time you finished above us?
But more importantly you know deep deep down when the demons come, that saturday was one of those rare occurrences, like Haley's comet or Angelina Jolie going down on you,etc,etc....itn not going to happen again any time soon....
Saying that, Spurs now have a good Squad, and i look forward to your challenge in the next 5 years.......
Lots of Love
Pez
Why do Arsenal fans in defence of their defeat bring up the past? Talk about the last game otherwise we might as well start throwing about stories of this that and the other that bears no relevance to Saturday. Yes, you've had more success than us. Well done. Nobody is disputing that. Its okay to remove the Wenger Vision goggles every now and again and just deal it.
Is it really in your genetic make up to always be cunts about football?
Pez: fair enough, but I think it's 17 major trophies. 18 if you count Nayim beating Arsenal in the Cup Winners Cup.
Troubled Werder Bremen on Tuesdaya arrived for a Champions League match
at Tottenham Hotspur with just 12 regular squad players as coach Thomas Schaaf had to fill the ranks with six third-division amateurs and a junior.
Captain Torsten Frings and striker star Claudio Pizarro lead a list of 10 players who are missing the game due to suspension or injury.
Instead, Felix Kroos, the brother of Bayern Munich's Germany midfielder Toni Kroos, and Dominik Schmidt are set to be in the starting 11 at White Heart Lane on Wednesday. Neither of them has played in the Bundesliga, let alone in Europe.
'It is a difficult task, given our personnel. But it is quite attractive that no one expects a lot from us,' said Schaaf.
Pez. The problem is, I don't know any Spurs fan who would swap our history for yours. It's sickening when you lot win something, more so when you play technically superb football, considering your actual pedigree for flair and silks pre-Wenger era. But that's life, you went upwards, we fell on our backsides. I'm proud of our iconic players, matches and tradition of football. Even if we're nowhere near being a Utd or Liverpool. My trophy cabinet is bigger than yours arguments, well, that's probably best suited for the kids. Talking of which, good luck in the Carling Cup.
Roll with the punches I say. Cycles always come to an end. What has remained constant is that the same 6-8 clubs have always been there and there abouts. And winning silverware every decade, for a ickle club like us, well - its a lot more than most, isn't it?
Onwards we skip.
The ironing bit made me lol and of course the Mario Kart bit - on a serious note the N64 version IS actually far superior to the new version. Despite being an Arsenal fan, i can laugh at well constructed banter and this piece has moments of greatness.
As the previous Gooner gent said "Enjoy your moment".
Me? I'm just happy NL derbies have an element of surprise to them again, because over the course of 10 years you lose the appreciation for what a win means, until you lose one of course. It'll give all those fans who only started supporting after the unbeaten season (the same ones calling for Wenger to be sacked) a taste of what it's like t lose to sp*rs.
I love the N64 version.
Wario's Stadium. Classic. Especially as you can strategically jump over walls and 'cheat' although when playing against others, we'd all do the same thing.
Good times.
It would appear that, since Harry's taken over, we have the better league record v Arsenal. hmm. Interesting.
Love the entry today. "Pat Rice also shakes his head at lack of dessert." gave me a great mental picture.
Skipping is a great analogy for Spurs and their fans....You choose to say things like..."I dont know any spurs fan who would swap Arsenal's history for ours"....Love that comment....True, maybe, but thats because your a real fan i guess, and you re very close with FAILURE.....
Footballl for Arsenal and Spurs is about WINNING...you beat us fair and square on Saturday BUT the real stats are the real stats...We are your biggest rivals and we have DOMINATED YOU OVER both our historys.....Its something Spurs have had to live with and however much you wont admit it,,,ITS TRUE!!!
As i said....this piece was very funny...Wenger is very funny...Spurs have now improved....but dont think this is the end of an era for Arsenal...far from it...Stadium Built, Debt paid off in 2 years, excellent young players coming through (4-1 i believe in the Carling?)...and if Wenger goes like over 50% of our fans want him 2....we will only get stronger in the long run because of his genius work over the last 13 years.....Everyone cant have an ENIC to buy and keep them afloat during the bad/sad times .....but what Arsenal have done is truly UNBELIEVABLE!!!!
Bat on.
you are a obsessed cunt who is sitting in his pants behind a computer sniggering and getting your rocks off on the net writing pointless stupid shit about someone you never met, grow up you stupid little cunt and come back and tell us something real or really funny .
what a tool
Spurs were in a financial mess because of one person (Scholar) and that was the catalyst for the troubles we had in the early 90's. Not my fault that, is it? Wenger, no doubting his philosophy and his psychology (turning players into arrogant twats - okay, it works, I get it) is to be applauded - even if there many many contradictions and hypocrisies and dislikeable traits. But you never quite knocked Utd off their perch. Not that it devalues your achievements. You need to get over this relentless need to have others appease your success.
The fact 50% want the man who revolutionised Arsenal to go just about sums up Arsenal.
Not sure I know what you mean over 'both our histories' in terms of pre-Wenger era. Again, yes, you're our rivals but we hate you as much as you hate us. It's never about jealousy.
The fact you miss the point of what I'm saying shows the difference in ideologies we have. Sure, if we go on to great things, no doubt Spurs fans will throw all the jib you give back in your face in terms of trophies etc.
Cut from the same cloth, not quite mate.
;)
you are a obsessed cunt who is sitting in his pants behind a computer sniggering and getting your rocks off on the net writing pointless stupid shit about someone you never met, grow up you stupid little cunt and come back and tell us something real or really funny .
what a tool
Enough about yourself, what do you think of the blog?
Why do people always default to accusing others to be spotted kids living in their mums basement posting on message boards and blogs? Because you don't like something it doesn't mean someone else wont. Dick head goon.