The diary of a tabloid sports hack
Tuesday, September 4, 2012 at 11:03AM 7am Wake up. Fancy breakfast. Check fridge, there's bacon but no eggs. Ask the missus, she says she forgot to pick some up.
'SALMONELLA SCARE LAYS WASTE TO FRY UP'- Wife unavailable for comment
9am On way to work. Running late. Signal failures. Reading book on tube, woman opposite looks up and glances at me for a moment.
'SEX FIEND PESTERS TUBE PASSENGER' - I was violated says man who was jumped on by nymph
10:25am At work. Need a cup of coffee to wake me up. Bloke in front of me in work kitchen is hogging the kettle. Looks like he's had one too many coffees already. He's wired up, won't stop talking. What a pr*ck, he almost tripped over trying to barge past me.
'MAN GOES MENTAL AFTER BRAZILIAN MARCHING POWDER BINGE' - Then collapses in heap
11:22am At the Spurs training ground. Need to write up a match preview. Waiting for Andre Villas-Boas to arrive for a quick chat for a pre-arranged meeting.
11:23am Still waiting for Villas-Boas to arrive. Sitting in the press room waiting.
11:24am Still waiting.
11:25am No sign of him yet.
11:26am I can see Bale walking to his car from the window, he's on his mobile talking. There's Andre, he's just waved to Bale and he's heading my way.
11:27am Andre has arrived.
11:37am Making notes. Andre tells me that Gareth Bale has a cold and might not be available for the game this weekend. Someone interrupts us and says Andre is required elsewhere. He shakes my hand and tells me if I need anything more to give him a ring.
11:45am I leave the Spurs training ground. Need to write everything up for publication.
1:35pm Article live on website and going out in evenings edition of newspaper.
'GARETH BALE STORMS OUT OF SPURS TRAINING GROUND AFTER MASSIVE BUST UP WITH VILLAS-BOAS'
Under-fire Spurs boss Andre Villas-Boas was involved in a sensational fight with Welsh winger Gareth Bale which saw the not so special Portuguese coach kick the player out of training and send him home. He then let slip that he was dropping Tottenham's star player from Saturday's game as punishment. Bale has been a revelation since Harry Redknapp nurtured his raw talents and reinvented him as a left-sided midfielder but it appears there's no room for him in the new regime.
Struggling Villas-Boas unleashed hell when the two clashed in the training ground car park, punches were thrown, and Bale looked to leave under a stormy cloud, speaking to his agent on his mobile, possibly to arrange emergency talks with chairman Daniel Levy about a quick exit. Real Madrid are rumoured to be looking at him with a possible move pencilled in for next summer but the January transfer window might allow for an earlier escape.
It then went from bad to worse for Villas-Boas who failed to turn up on time for a press interview and was abrupt and rude, storming out in a fit of petulant rage still fuming from the fight.
New signing Hugo Lloris was unavailable for comment but Didier Deschamps said, "Boas is a monster and although I have no evidence, I think he gave birth to Godzilla and we all know the damage that's caused down the years"
2:34pm Finished work. Down the pub. Hoping to score a gram or two.
Reader Comments (21)
These reporters have Bosses to please and they aren't going to if they report Brad Friedel gave Hugo a massive bear hug upon his arrival and high japes ensued...they want drama and bullshit.
We as Spurs fans must rise above this and recognise that competition for places are completely neccessary for us to compete at the top (or there abouts)
Keep up the good work, Spurs first three points are blatantly gonna be up at Old Trafford ;)
Always outdoing yourself'
It is evident. They have set out for Villas-Boas!
Now that's funny, keep them coming!!!
Brilliant. Nobody does it better.
Spooky - you're simply the best!
Imagination should not be an attribute sought after in journalists. Insight, balance, spelling, that's what we need from hacks. Grammar is an option, as for example with Shearer who should have went to school more often.
i think if we wud hv signed van persie all problems wud hv taken care of bcoz it seems he is a one man army doesnt matter which club he plays for...
So funny! Thanks for the smile you put on my face!
Hilarious!
Great post!
ha.ha.ha :-) I'd forgotten why I loved this blog so much. Spooky is back baby!
Okidoki...
My own view is that WHL is become Fawlty Towers under AVB. No need for spoof reports as life at WHL now imitates art/bullshit articles.
Funny enough for you yet?
Knock me down.
A bit close to the truth for me !
...its only a bit close to the truth if you believe the bullshit spouted by the press, surely?
Let's f***ing get behind AVB. The bottom line is none of us know if this will work or not but I for one remain optimistic. He does need support from somewhere though and this is where true Spurs fans need to show our worth and not be swept up by the shit stirring media.
Excellent Spooky !
The cutthroats have smelled blood and they are going for the kill I
Let get behind AVB and The Boys !
Just too over the top to be credible. It doesn't happen like that. A hack of that sort wouldn't bother meeting AVB and then make the story up. He would just make it up and then hide behind non-existent sources. Meeting AVB would risk the Spurs manager secretly recording the interview and demonstrating the story was a lie. It happens. Believe me.
I'm just waiting for the slimeballs to start referencing how much wages ( insert exageration) AVB is on, with the question of does he earn it? ( whatever it is It's not enough to have to sit in the same room as these spawn of Satan). Then it will be a headline of levy unhappy with AVB but won't fire him because of amount of compensation he would have to pay, It's always the same they have to bring money into it for there witchunt.
I'm no AVB fan & didn't particularly want him as manager & I called it last summer when he got chelsea that he'd be a disaster but at sametime I don't want him to fail & will back him & think he should get a season at least, let him have a couple of transfer windows to get players he wants then he can implement his system. I think a good manager will have a system that suits the players not what his idiology is, he can do that in time when he has players he wants but at moment there's no point playing a hard press if u can't keep the ball when you win it & I don't mean passing it sideways or backwards for sake of it u have to b progressive with ball when u have it.
At moment without modric & vdv we can't play that way & looking at players we have got i think we would be better suited to a counter attacking game.
Frank Spencer and the numbers 18,19,20 are written large in the entrails of a sheep.
JC - I used to work for Slimeballs