Dear Mr Levy: What use is an unloaded gun?

Dear Mr Levy,

Are you sitting comfortably? Maybe you need to push aside the metaphorical £7000 per night hooker (The West Stand) kneeling down in front of you and spit out the caviar (our hard earned money) because I don’t want you to be distracted by what I have to say. And if Chirpy happens to be down there too, ask him to get his friction burns another time.

I’ve just returned from White Hart Lane – The Theatre of Sleep Paralysis. I witnessed an inept display of dis-organised football, dosed with dollops of shambolic blips and embarrassing puddles of despair. Is it suddenly the turn of the century again? Is Pleat back at the helm? Moving a little forward on the timeline, I almost long for Santini and his bus.

What happened to the progression from the past two seasons? The ambition to iron out all the little quirks and problems? In two games we find ourselves rock bottom within touching distance of the wrong Championship. Six points behind everyone and in disarray. A relegation dogfight is already on the cards. Time to cash in on the lazy Berbatov to bring in some steel. Nigel Quashie should be available. He knows one or two things about dogfights. The cultured Berbatov doesn’t have the right tools in the box for what’s on the horizon.

'This shit is unacceptable'

For the love of God, Anthony Colossus Gardner is our top goal scorer. Why bother spunking all that money on Bent when we have a player who can defend and attack? He’s like a black Beckenbauer, except his English, shit and can’t defend or attack. Uncanny. Gardner is so bad he should be white and ginger.

All that pre-season hype and all those cute soundbites from Jose and Fergie have got your little band of brothers all punch drunk with the idea that they don’t actually have to do anything. Just turn up in their £5,000 suits and £100k sports cars and that will be enough. 4th spot will come running to them in a short little mini skirt and black high heels, biting its lip with anticipation. Open your eyes, you fools! Its not 4th spot. Its 14th spot, and it’s fat and ugly and will give you STD's.

Yes, the defence is depleted, and seeing Kaboul walk off was evil irony at its best. Leaving us with Chimbonda (leftback or rightback, you decide) and Stalteri - the one man wrecking machine who hasn't quite figured out what the football is used for. But the issue that no matter how good our forwards are (not very good at the moment) we will continue to struggle even with a fully fit defence on account of having the most unbalanced and backwards moving midfield in the Premiership.

Everton may not have been great in performance. Let’s face it they didn’t have to do much at all. They just waited for us to gift them a goal or three. But they still grafted their socks off. They all had individual responsibilities out on the pitch. We were a pathetic mess in comparison. At this rate, we’ll be relegated by Christmas. See, instead of paying money for young players and recommended foreign talent, we should have just brought in bland non-sexy workman-like footballers. We got beat by a team who have Phil Neville as the cornerstone of their defence. Why didn’t we bid for Phil Neville? No, instead, we go for Kevin Prince Boateng, cause he’s got a flash name and tattoos and should sell a ton of shirts and merchandise and might be the new Gazza. Another player who might prove to be decent in 3 years time. Always looking to the future, never the present.

'Its my mess. All my choices were wrong'

After the Sunderland defeat, I asked to see the following for the home game against Everton:

Organisation.
Balance.
Width.
Creativity from midfield.
Alert and slick forward play.
Strength of character in all areas.
Belief and self confidence.

The Magnificent Seven. And how did we do?

Organisation – The defence played like a post-apocalyptic group of starved imprisoned zombies who have been forced feed milk by a sadistic military special ops unit. They are confused and don’t understand what’s going on.

Balance – No balance or cohesiveness of any kind. The defence was put together by Blue Peter. All cello-tape and cardboard. The midfield was non-existent, like comedy on ITV. The forwards lost. Stuck in a hatch.

Width – Laughable. No Lennon, no width. Routledge made a cameo. That’s how desperate we are. All summer long - in fact three summers long, and still no answer to the left-hand side. Gareth Bale, our hopes and dreams are with you because Levy wouldn’t pay Petrov £70K per week. Criminal.

Creativity from midfield – One word. Arteta. That’s what we don’t have in our team. Someone to pull the strings. How dominant was he against Jenas and Zokora and our other midfielder, Keane? When will Jol realise that the midfield is imperative. It’s the heart of the team. Everton had the likes of Carsley doing all the donkey work. What do we have? Jenas, endlessly running into people or losing the ball. Zokora, endlessly running into people or losing the ball. Keane, endlessly running into people or losing the ball. Top 4? It’s not even mid-table, quality wise. Look at the other teams up there and look at their midfields, then compare them to what we have. That money you got for Carrick, after the usual tax-deductible yacht purchase is taken out off the profit margin, you could have spent it on someone decent enough to replace him. Phil Neville. Scott Parker. I wouldn't bid for Arteta. He'd probably turn to shit the moment he puts on the Lilywhite shirt.

Alert and slick forward play – None to be seen. A couple of moves, crosses and half-shots and the header from Berbatov, but all a bit average. None of that relentless attacking movement of the past two years that we have managed to muster up time and time again at home. There has been no style or plan in either of our two opening games. Are they training hard enough? Because a source close to the club suggests that Jol doesn’t have them do much running.

Strength of character in all areas – Completely void. No real heart. Nothing to suggest they felt hurt after the Sunderland defeat. No belief in themselves. In fact, it was all rather sympathetic. Losing a goal after 3 minutes summed it up. Spurs are the Kurt Cobain of football, gifted and tortured, preferring the easy way out.

'Lets whack this cocksucker and be done with it'

Belief and self confidence – I think Martin Jol loves Jenas so much, he’s started to mould the team in the shape and style of the player. Jenas, who probably still reads a scrapbook full of newspaper cut-outs of his rave reviews of when he was a Forest player, seems to be undroppable. He’s inaffective and without purpose. Seems the rest of the team are exactly like that too. No belief in their ability and no confidence to take on the likes of Sunderland and Everton. Its the dawn of the Jol Jenesis. And all the players have an invisible touch.

In a word, its a shambles.

So what if we have seven defenders out injured. What kind of excuse is that? And the lack of ideas going forward is worrying. Which begs the questions, why no Huddlestone? He was superb when he came on against Sunderland the other week. So mobile and sharp.

Where was the chance-creating machine, Taarabt? Ever present in pre-season, a reserve player since the start of it. This young Zidane cloned youngster is the saviour of this ruined club, and yet you and Jol have him wrapped up in cotton wool in a basement at the Lodge. Too wooden, is he?

You upped the prices of our season tickets. You allowed £16M and a bit to be spent on a forward that we arguably didn’t need. And all this talk of top 4 has resulted with egg over your chiseled manicured bald face.

'Just when I thought I was out, they pulled me back in'

After Derby at home, we have Manchester United, Arsenal, Bolton, Newcastle and Liverpool with Fulham squashed somewhere in there for fun. I can hardly see any points gained in any of those matches. Jol must have 2, max 3, games left to save his job. He's gone from a rousing Churchillesque speech at the final home game of last season and rapturous applauds and hero worship to the sounds of disgruntled fans, baying for his blood, full of intolerable excuses and boo'ing the team off the pitch.

See how quick your empire can crumble? Thats the power we yield. We can place aside everything thats happened since Jol took over replacing them with 180 minutes played this season, such is are foresight and judgement.

Two games, two sets of 90 minutes and our season is over. Best we can hope for is 8th or 7th at a push, and a late one at that. Three years down the drain in a blink of an eye. With no understandable explanation. It's the Tower of Babel all over again, struck down before reaching the heavens.

Time for evasive action. Time to sell the dead wood and bring in some new blood. Time to start the search for a new manager. Time to scrap these stupid tours of Africa, which appears to be one of the reasons for our depleated squad and injury crisis. Even though we did win some silverware out there. Add that to the honours list, Levy.

All those wonderful cup runs of last year and superb free-flowing attacking football that saw us claim the right to be called the great entertainers, all flushed down the toilet with just the one attempt. The harsh truth is that the log wasn’t big enough to cause a blockage and survive. Wasn't strong enough. Just too soft and breakable. Too much fibre, that’s the problem. Not enough starch.

Yours Depressed,

Spooky

Project Mayhem

Seems the club does nothing but bring in project players. That's players who are not the finished article (Boateng) and need work or players that are way off from being classed as world class (Zokora). Or players that apparently have potential (Jenas - ha!).

Obviously, a complete finished article DM or Attacking Midfielder would be perfect, but then every club wishes to have these players and not every club can. Which means we have to make do with what we have, and what we have are players brought in by the present management to push for 4th. So we can't complain about not having the right players, because surely the management know who the right players are. Why else buy them?

Sadly, at times, it seems they don't have a clue.

Our midfield lacks structure. There is no true clarification of the roles that each individual have. Its a mish-mash of squad players who are all under performing and failing to reach their true potential. Why? Well, one might think its because they are being selected and are not getting the directions they require from the coach. This is the scary part. Surely the coach can aim to get every player playing to their strengths when part of a unit/team?

If there is no finished article world class player on his way to Spurs, then we have to make do with what we have - and what we have appears to be what Martin Jol wants - therefore, in his head, its good enough to push for 4th. We've been here before, haven't we?

He has to begin to realise the potential he has at the club. He signed off on the players we have bought. If he's the right man, he'll get it right on the pitch. If he cant.....

Decimation: Spurs v Everton Preview

Wonderful, simply wonderful. From official site:

Martin Jol reports a few injury doubts, but expects the team to be largely unchanged when we take on Everton at the Lane tonight.

Jermaine Jenas, Teemu Tainio, Pascal Chimbonda and Didier Zokora were unable to participate in full training sessions yesterday as a result of picking up problems in Saturday's 1-0 defeat up at Sunderland.

"We've got a couple of knocks and a few players who couldn't train on Monday," revealed Martin. "Jermaine has a back problem, while Teemu doesn't feel 100 per cent. Pascal only did the warm-up and Didier didn't train.

"So there are a few little worries, but the boys want to play and put things right."

Michael Dawson remains a doubt, while not in contention are Ledley King, Benoit Assou-Ekotto, Lee Young-Pyo, Gareth Bale and Aaron Lennon (all knee).

No idea just how 'injured' Jermaine Jenas, Teemu Tainio, Pascal Chimbonda and Didier Zokora actually are. Hopefully the three midfielders are out, forcing Jol to play Taarabt.

It pains me to see a talent like him 'protected' or whatever lame excuse management want to use for not selecting him. He played all pre-season. He is creative. He is an immense talent. But there's no way of knowing just how good he actually is if he doesnt play. Did Wenger think twice about playing a certain Spanish 16 year old, who continues to get better and better with each passing year?

Steed on one wing, probably Keane on the other with Berbatov and Bent upfront. Taarabt and Huddlestone in the middle of the park - and we are set. At least that line-up is more likely to carve out a chance for the forwards.

Knowing my luck, all this 'they never trained' bollocks is Jol's idea of playing mind games. I'm sure Everton will faint when they find out that Jenas, TT and The Zok are playing. I know I will.

The Holy Grail

What will it take to break the stranglehold of the current 'Big Four'? Even with Arsenals current blip (a problem most other clubs would love to have) there's still no sign that the Big Four will have a new member or that the Big Four will become the Big Five or Six - all taking turns in the Champions League.

Transitional periods and re-building is the current trend with the chasing pack, and all long to be the club that achieves the nigh impossible. And with the odd billionaire financing you, who's to tell you wont buy and bully your way there.

For purists (if there are any left) the irony is that in an age when winning is everything and the only thing........theres only two teams in the Premiership who can realistically win the title. Two teams. Followed by two pretenders. The 1970's or 1980's it is not. Gone are the permed days of 8 or 9 teams who could claim to be in with a shout without being laughed at.

I'm sure some of you are old enough to remember that it wasn't just about Liverpool and Everton. Spurs were in there (top 3 on occassion, gosh the cheek of it) and the likes of Villa, Forest of course, Derby, Ipswich...the list goes on. Arsenal were shit back then too. Maybe the footballing Gods left their dizzy PA in charge of things while they went down the pub and still haven't returned to sort the mess out.

There was even club loyalty back then on account (the likelihood) of playing for someone who might win something. The FA Cup and the Milk Cup were monsters of triumph. They almost seem like an afterthought nowadays. And its still the Big Four that pick up these pieces of silverware.

This isn't a dig against Man Utd, Liverpool, Chelsea or Arsenal. Utd and Arsenal achieved consistency and challenged for trophies due to good management. They took the throne away from the dominating Red machine from Anfield who lost the magic of the boot room. Everyone else flattered to deceive. And recently, Chelsea, plugging away without the end result got the final pieces of the jigsaw when the Russian and the Portuguese blokes turned up at Stamford Bridge, one after the other.

The blame is firmly on football itself, for growing up. For leaving the streets behind and moving into the penthouse suite. The European Cup become the Champions League, and suddenly, everyones priorities change. For the worse.

At this current time, chances are that if you don't support Utd, Chelsea, Liverpool or Arsenal the club you do support has zero to slim chance of winning the title.

4th spot in the Prem is seen as success. 4th spot is an achievement. Probably only sport where it is. But this is football and its not like any other sport.

Its them and us until something gives way. The top two battle it out for first place and the rest have to settle for the scraps. Wont change anything. It hasn't changed anything. We all still wear our colours and support our clubs. Derby, back in the Prem could never seriously consider winning the title. Forest, long since departed from the Prem wont ever lay claim to the biggest club trophy in the world.

We will still support. But it seems in the modern age, finishing 4th with a chance of qualification into the Champions League is more important than winning the FA Cup or anything else.

Maybe it is. Maybe a club has to claim Champions League to then push towards the domestic title. And sacrifice everything else for it.

Unrest!

Quote from today's tabloids:

“There was a good sign in the dressing room because they were all blaming each other. The most important thing is that we pick ourselves up because it is a long, tough season.”

That's Martin Jol telling us that there was some spirit in the dressing room. Wrong place chief. It's out on that beautiful green grass where you're meant to have some passion, not after the game has ended and you're all in the showers slapping each others bums apologetically.

He goes on to add this gem:

Jol added: “We had a bad start last season and we lost to Bolton on the opening day but we picked ourselves up and that is what we have got to do again now. We have got to do better in midfield, up front and from the flanks as well.

So, let me get this right. We lost because we were shit in midfield, up front and on the wings? Daaaaamn. That's some insightful analysis right there for you. Basically, we have to improve in all positions. I would never have guessed that. I was gonna suggest we take performance enhancing drugs, but hey, better the devil you know. Looks like another hard days training is due. Though how hard, I don't know. Not that hard according to athlete and Spurs reserve player Ghaly.

The Two-Face Perspective

Issue #1
The Problem with Berbatov

"The Problem with Berbatov"

Harvey Dent: So, Berbatov. Class player who will continue to blossom with life in the Premiership. Twenty-three goals last season, I expect more, especially in the league.

Two-Face: Yes. With another club. Did you not see him on Saturday? Sitting alone in the tunnel, on steps behind the rest of the Spurs line-up. Alone. Isolated.

Harvey Dent: He was psyching himself up for the game. Contemplating. Not for the first time.

Two-Face: Psyching? Oh is that what you call it? I'm sure he was contemplating though; 'What the fuck am I still doing here?'. Psyching didn't help him much out on the field, did it?

Harvey Dent: That's because he was surrounded by teammates who let him down.

Two-Face: He's been letting himself down since the start of pre-season. Lethargic and disinterested. It's probably dawned on him that its far easier going to a club that's the finished article. Then he wouldn't have to carry the weight of his average team mates on his shoulders.

Harvey Dent: That's perposterious. He only said a few weeks ago that team spirit at the club was good and that the new players had been made to feel welcome at the club. He's obviously happy.

Two-Face: Ha! And did he tell you that himself? Of course not. You just happen across an interview on the Spurs website. All players have a duty to say something for the benefit of the club and its news section. Bent was brought in for big dollars as the replacement for the Bulgarian. It was self-admittance that the club wont be able to keep Berbatov which proves they club don't have the belief to match Berbatov's ambition of playing in the Champions League.

Harvey Dent: All summer long, he never once suggested he wanted a move. And the one club who wanted him according to the press have now got Tevez.

Two-Face: Doesn't mean they wouldn't say no to Berbatov. Tevez is a completely different type of player. And other clubs wouldn't turn their face away from him either. And, if you want to be pedantic about it, not once all summer long did Berbatov completely dismiss leaving. Players are fickle creatures with self-preservation being their number one priority.

Harvey Dent: You're basing all this on him sitting down on some steps pre-kick off.

Two-Face: Body language. You can tell a lot from body language.

Harvey Dent: Your assumption is based on one match, 90 minutes of football.

Two-Face: Pre-season too.

Harvey Dent: Many players avoid excelling themselves in friendlies. Why would you wish to possibly injure yourself?

Two-Face: Bent excelled himself. He didn't get himself injured.

Harvey Dent: He has something to prove having just arrived.

Two-Face: So, you admit that Berbatov believes that he is more important than the club itself.

Harvey Dent: I never said that. How did I say that?

Two-Face: By suggesting that Berbatov will be selected no matter what his form is because he is some kind of talisman, a self-proclaimed/supporter-proclaimed world class player.

Harvey Dent: No, just that his quality is not in doubt. He proved that last season beyond doubt.

Two-Face: Neither is Bents quality in doubt. Look at his goal scoring record from the past 2 seasons. And as for Berbatov, he was sublime last term, but that will be forgotten if he fails to ignite this season.

Harvey Dent: Of course he will ignite. Why wouldn't he?

Two-Face: Not if he isn't happy. He didn't look happy getting substituted. That might happen often this season out of the necessity to keep four forwards happy when only two are needed at any given time. And igniting is also dependent on the rest of his team starting a fire.

Harvey Dent: That doesn't even make sense. Look, there is nothing to suggest that theres a problem with Berbatov. Nothing.

Two-Face: Have you seen him smile yet?

Harvey Dent: Have you seen any Spurs players smile yet?

Two-Face: I don't think anyone at Spurs is smiling at the moment.

Harvey Dent: There you go.

Two-Face: The more they struggle, the more detached Berbatov will feel and that will come across in his performances. That happened last year. With the Cup exits. It was almost like he saw himself as one entity and the rest of his team mates as a separate entity, laying blame on them. Suggesting they need to do the improving to be up to his high standard. Do you know what that is?

Harvey Dent: Enlighten me.

Two-Face: A crack. A crack in the glass that will soon shatter. He sees himself as being worthy of more. Like Carrick before him.

Harvey Dent: Carrick? Carrick is a midfielder.

Two-Face: Yes, but he too out grew the club and moved on.

Harvey Dent: But he never claimed publicly to be happy at Spurs and content. He was a model professional, but stayed clear of announcing loyalty because he was always destined to move on. You are basing everything on the last month or so of pre-season. Little insignificant incidents that seem to be your foundation for the argument. But think back to what Berbatov talked about prior to pre-season. He's a modest man. He isn't the a-typical footballer.

Two-Face: Being modest doesn't mean being content with mediocrity.

Harvey Dent: I beg to differ. He isn't one to turn him back away so hastily.

Two-Face: Doesn't look like we are going to see eye-to-eye on this.

Harvey Dent: Doubtful.

Two-Face: (flicks two-headed coin)

Harvey Dent: Well?

Two-Face: Scratched face up.

Harvey Dent: Looks like we'll have to revisit this then.

Two-Face: We will. I'm sure of it. If he's still wearing Lilywhite.

Second Issue released next week.

League of Lilywhites - update

Well. What can I say. Over one month since its launch, I find myself standing alone at the battlefield. A one man nation of passion. Seems that nobody has taken this seriously, so once more I have to be the voice of a generation. A generation too scared to get their hands bloody. A generation too worried about the consequences. A generation looking at someone else to do the dirty work on their behalf. Same old story.

I'll continue to fight the good fight, as I've done over the years. Seems people are more traditionalist that I believed them to be, preferring to persist with the old school way of getting things done.

So be it. But this calls for evasive action. Stay tuned.

The morning after the crap before

Elano, Petrov...City. They looked impressive. Industrious. Creative. Big Sam, 90 minutes after his Prem League debut as manager of Newcastle, comes away with all three points at his old fortress, having already managed to impose and instill his style and tactics to his new team. Blackburn and Liverpool, two teams who hardly ever win on the opening day of the season do just that.

And yet we fail once more to buck the trend.

Martin Jol looked angry and upset, interviewed on Match of the Day. And that's fine for him to stated the bleeding obvious and be disappointed about how things worked out - but he will only be redeemed if we give the complete opposite type of performance in the next game.

I'm going to do something......well, unique. I'm going to write off the 1-0 defeat at the Stadium of Light. I'm going to categorise is under 'blip'. First day blues. The season now starts on Tuesday evening at 8pm at White Hart Lane.

One game is not enough for me to be critical of selection and transfers. One game is not enough to proof that everything we need to improve on from last season has been fixed. Obviously, on that performance, it hasn't. And things appear to be exactly as they were. And yes, I stated this as my belief yesterday - but like I said, I'm going to do something unique.

I will discount the shambles of losing in the 93rd minutes.

Today is day zero part deux. No pressure. Just asking for 3 points on Tuesday, with a display with little or no negatives. Fluid play, creativity and swagger. Strength and belief. In fact, let me list what I want:

Organisation.
Balance.
Width.
Creativity from midfield.
Alert and slick forward play.
Strength of character in all areas.
Belief and self confidence.

Seven. Seven little things.

Its no like I'm asking for Jessica Alba, drugged and tied down to a bed in my basement. Even I have my limits.

The Jol Verdict

From the official site:

There was no hiding Martin Jol's disappointment after our openng day defeat at Sunderland.

Michael Chopra pounced to score the only goal of the game in injury time at the Stadium of Light.

Chances were few and far between - Paul Robinson made the only two saves of note before Chopra won it for the home side.

Apart from an impressive debut from Younes Kaboul in central defence, Martin had little to smile about.

"We didn't play well and didn't create as many chaces as I would have liked," reflected a downcast Martin at the Stadium of Light. "Even a 0-0 draw would have been disappointing.

"When you don't play well a 0-0 draw is still a 0-0 draw and we have to learn how to protect that. We didn't and I could come up with excuses, but I won't.

"We had players out but we were still strong enough. It was the first match and we were determined to do well but it didn't happen."

Martin revealed that Michael Dawson sprained his ankle in training on Friday, forcing him out of the squad and a late reshuffle with Anthony Gardner coming in to partner Kaboul.

"I thought Anthony did a good job as did Kaboul, who had a very good debut for us, but that's not enough," added Martin.

"We needed more urgency because if you score in the first half you create pressure, but we didn't do that and made it difficult for ourselves. If we don't score, it's always a possibility that the other team will score and that's what happened."

I wonder how good we would be if Jose was the manager. As for the above, it's more of the 'feeling sorry for ourselves' BS, that littered last season. Still no belief I'm afraid.

How does one be 'determined to do well' yet fail miserably? Obviously not determined enough.

And as for this gem:

"We needed more urgency because if you score in the first half you create pressure, but we didn't do that and made it difficult for ourselves. If we don't score, it's always a possibility that the other team will score and that's what happened."

...it doesn't need a footnote really, does it?

My season ticket has arrived, so I'll be present at the home game. I can only hope its not a re-run of last seasons home defeat against Everton. If so, I'll offer Martin a seat in the taxi home.

NEWSFLASH! Nothing has changed

Missing in Action: Creativity, Drive and Fluidness
Sunderland 1 Spurs 0

Hardly any shots on goal. No creativity. No dominating possession play. Two shots on goal. Gutless last 5 minutes. 93rd minute home goal.

The whole summer spent waiting for this day, and it feels like having your head pushed down the toilet and flushed.

Elsewhere, Newcastle destroyed Bolton in the first half. City started life under Sven with a bang, and that Petrov bloke doesn't look half bad. Its a depressing way to start the season. Take note of the fact that Newcastle were 3-0 up inside 29 minutes. Where was the urgency from the us today? Stuck on the fucking motorway, obviously.

5th spot is not guaranteed. Other clubs have done enough to warrant competition and have displayed that hope in the form of an opening day win. Unlike us. These are the games and points that are the final difference at the end of the season. Eight points adrift of Arsenal last term because of displays like this.

Right, and onwards to today's performance review.

This game had 0-0 written all over it, and yet we some how dug deep enough to allow Sunderland to nick it at its very death. To be quite frank, we deserved nothing more. Would Man Utd, Chelsea, Arsenal or Liverpool leave the Stadium of Light with zero points? I doubt it very fucking much.

Sunderland were ineffective, yet that's obviously not enough for us to take some kind of advantage. How many times are we going to persist in giving away points in the final seconds?

I don't accept any excuse for this performance, and how tragic for our fans to travel all the way up there to witness a bland average display of football. But then that's what happens when you spend £40M on reserve players.

Midfield was pedestrian. Zokora running into people with the ball. Jenas, utterly embarrassing. No defence splitting passes no slick counter-attacks.

The midfield starved the forward line-up. The defence only had Kaboul as the positive, and in fact, was our best player. Even looked superb going forward. Gardner has me sitting with my heart in my mouth, chewing it like a fruit pastel.

Jenas. Got to come back to him again. What was any different to his performance today as the one given by Ghaly in the infamous 'subbed sub shirt throwing' game of last season? JJ was wasteful, sideways and played akin to a porn star in a gang-bang flick who's lost his penis to leprosy and instead had a feather strapped to his groin. Jermaine Feathercock: Impossible to penetrate, tickling tackle and a touch that makes everyone laugh.

Zokora was even worse than Jenas.

Four central midfielders lining up in midfield. I'm gonna state this a few times in this blog entry, but how many times are we going to question Jol's selection....again?And if someone cries out 'injuries' - then why not bring in (buy) players that give us depth in positions rather than depth in one position.

Berbatov. Keane. Bent. Defoe. All on the pitch at one time. All doing nothing to appease me or the travelling fans. But maybe that's more to do with the lack of spark from the middle four. Berbatov looked furious when he was replaced. And so he should be. With himself and his team mates. But he should have been left on regardless. Jol, obviously not knowing what to do with four big-name strikers, wanting to try all of them out. Bit naive that. As shit as Berbs was, he can still muster something up. More so than the four stuck in the middle of the park.

Am I knee-jerking? Of course I fucking am. There's nothing else to do.

Spurs hardly ever win their opening game of the season, but as I stated in my preview, its no time to spend dwelling on the past under-achievements as the standard benchmark of excuses. It should be about living up to the hype. And yet we give the world, live on TV, a quintessential flop of a display.

Jol called the performance 'disappointing' and 'boring'. No shit sherlock. What are you gonna do about it for next time? I await to see how the players and manager react at home against Everton on Tuesday. And I have suddenly got déjà vu. Last season started in similar fashion, utterly underwhelming.

And what would I have done? Played Taarabt. Maybe he wasn't fit, but the game was crying out for a player with his type of quality. Unlike the quality of Huddlestone, who should not have been subbed on by Jol. He can't settle into a game with 4 minutes left, and that was proved in those four minutes with some poor touches and giving away freekicks. And this shows how bad things are in practice. Wishing we had an 18 year old available to select. Where is the imagination? Why have we failed to purchase width and a true world class central midfielder?

Tuesday, against Everton. Second game in. Must win.

I could rant about this forever. Where's my medication?

Kick up the backside we deserved, I'm sure is what people will comfort themselves with. I'm going to comfort myself with some Absinthe and a £200-per-hour hooker. I'll fucking show those over-paid gits how to stick it in.

Dawson Injured

Apparently he picked up an ankle knock in training. Gardner will play.

Dear God no.......

The Starting Eleven:

Robinson
Chimbonda
Stalteri
Gardner
Kaboul
Tainio
Jenas
Zokora
Malbranque
Berbatov
Keane

subs: Cerny, Rocha, Huddlestone, Defoe, Bent.

Season 2008 Preview

So here we are again. The summer almost over, the football season once more providing us the only sunshine we can enjoy. Last season was one that wilted at the wrong times, on three occasions. It brought just four points from a possible twenty-four against the ‘big four’.

It brought disappointing away form that killed any chance of another prolonged stay in 4th spot. But whereas the season before last we could blame a hotel and its under-cooked meal, last year we could only look as far as ourselves. The manager and the players got us into 5th spot, almost apologetically on the final game of the season. The cup games ended in not so much in brave glory but more self-inflicted agony.

And now its 2008. Bent, Kaboul, Bale, Taraabt, Boateng, Rose, Berchiche all signed. No left-winger. King and Lennon both out injured and missing pre-season. Players already there, such as Dawson and Zokora will (hopefully) continue to improve.

The much maligned Jeans (Mr 16km per game) blocks, chases and harrys like no other – but with one weakness. He’s Steven Gerrard with a fear of round leather balls. Seems controlling the football is a task too difficult for him to handle.

Lennon, when he does return will need to place aside his bling to allow for better balance when crossing the ball. King, god bless him, we can only hope that when he returns he remains injury free. Without King, we are sometimes just about average. Though Kaboul may allow the next few months to be less painful as many would imagine.

Bent, even for the money spent, is looking like money well spent. Keane will always be in the thick of things, and Berbatov is the talisman that will hold the key to a sustained challenge.
As for the young lads.

Bale will be special, and finally we have someone who knows how to get a free-kick on target.

Taraabt – according to Jol – is potentially the most talented player we have at the club. Somehow I don’t think this is another Blondel waiting to happen. But his progression and development will be imperative to his success, and looking across to Defoe you wonder how the young lad will blossom. Defoe has done nothing more than stagnate. But maybe that’s not a coaching problem. Maybe that’s down to the player and his own mentality. I say keep him raw. Don’t try to Sven him by asking him to think. Just let him do what he does best. Instinctive, brutal finishing.

Kevin-Prince Boateng is like a suped-up version of Ghaly, with the addition of actually being a decent footballer. Half of Germany will tell you he’s brilliant, the other half will tell you he’s hot headed and not half as good as he can be. Not productive enough apparently, and fancy footwork wont hide that fact in the Prem. I’m looking forward to seeing the progress of this player more than anyone.

Seems that pre-season, more than ever, the media continue to praise us and politely inform their readers and listeners that we are a team with a bright future and one that is no longer categorised as laughable when suggestions are made on our credentials.

Although part of me firmly believes it’s a way for them to hack us down if things don’t go well, I’ve made the executive decision to remain positive in time for the kick-off to the 2008 season.

Even Jose and Fergie are talking about us. Times have changed.

Yes, yes. Hypocrite this hypocrite that. He’s up and down like a yo-yo that Spooky. Yes, well, I did say a month or two back that I would be more open-minded and less critical unless there is substantial reason to be so.

Today is day zero. I will not sit in the past, but instead look to the present. The canvas is untouched, and Martin Jol, with brush in hand is free to paint our future. If he cuts his ear off then we’re in the shit but at least he wont be able to hear half of the abuse.

It’s well known that I have hang-ups about the simple things we can’t get right (set pieces, defending corners etc) and the horrid choking we suffer each time we think we might win when it matters, but don’t.

I’ll assume that this won’t be a problem this season. We have Sunderland away. Opening day. Live on Sky Sports. Traditionally, this would mean we lose. Its against a promoted side, so that choking we do so well would be the main talking point at the final whistle. Well, I say. It’s simply not acceptable. And I don’t mean this in a disrespectful way to Sunderland and their fans.

Most people – not just Spurs fans – except Spurs to finish in the top 5. I demand that we are not out of the top 6 from the first game of the season. None of this shit we had to endure last year. For the money spent over the past 2/3 years it’s now time to step up. Already, people are saying such things like ‘Oh, if we lose, it wont matter. Pressure will be off’. Yes, fantastic insight there.

How is losing against a promoted side when you are expected to finish in the high end of the table, progress?

Spurs have the players. Many, for the future, but enough for the present to be capable of dismantling the likes of Sunderland.

If we lose by getting beat in a great game of football, then that’s fine. If we lose for being shambolic or gutless – then shame. We need to be professional. Ruthless. And who spirit and belief. It’s that fucking simple. That’s it. I cant be arsed to write anything more now. This Diazepam stuff the doctor gave me is making me dizzy.