Anytime soon

"I'm now in Tottenham but no-one can disagree with me wanting to follow my dream"

~ Dimitar Berbatov

Yes, that's right. His dream. The very same one he rejected 2 years ago to join Spurs instead. The git.

Spurs have apparently not given a final 'fuck off' to Zenit yet regarding the Arshavin deal. The Russians wanting £19.5M for the transfer to go ahead. His agent said its been four days since Spurs spoke to Zenit. The Sky Sports News grapevine tells us Arshavin isn't our main target. We must be back in for Raziak then. Sweet.

I wish this would end, but with news that the transfer window has now been extended till midnight, September 1st, the footballing Gods have a perverse way of prolonging the agony.

Textbook opening day result

Boro 2 Spurs 1

The unmistakable stench of mediocrity is once again rearing its ugly head towards us and winking knowingly.

Welcome to another opening game defeat, as presented by Tottenham Hotspur.

We, apparently, according to Poyet have clever and intelligent players who don't need time to gel. Which is questionable considering how many times we got raped down the right hand side. Midfield was somewhat lacking the basics. No closing down, no urgency, no midfield defensive qualities...no balance which meant Boro found it relatively simple to counter and apply pressure with relative ease. With Zokora doing his utmost to impersonate Daniel Alves (and ending up just looking like Zokora playing in the right back position with discipline), it was pretty disappointing from start to finish. Where was the support for Bent? Didn’t come from Gio (way too early to expect miracles from the kid) and Bentley was quiet.

Hopefully now people would stop banging on about thrashing Roma like it meant something. Competitive games are upon us and once more we fail to assert ourselves.

I’m not about to hit the panic button. This has always been Spurs on the opening day. It’s how we follow up at home in the next game that will be telling.

What’s blatantly obvious, and has been for as long as I remember is that we need a DM. How many times is that statement going to be repeated? And if King is gonna to star in 15 or so Prem games this season then a CB has also got to be signed. Again, repeated endlessly but not so much it seems at the Lodge. Yet I suspect all we will sign is a forward to replace Berbatov who started on the bench yesterday. A decision that probably cost us the three points. But then would you play start the Sulk if his mind is about his impending medical? When he came on, we almost scored twice thanks to his movement and touches. If he started and we got the first goal, we probably would have turned it on, regardless of the unbalance. Such is the dizzy heights of confidence and belief.

As for the game, Boro had a perfectly legit goal disallowed, prior to that missing an easy opportunity. We had half chances that were never going in. Missing Keane already. The slim and sexy Mido scoring was the type of irony that we always allow to get rubbed in our faces. He was gracious after the game which showed class imo. Our goal was an own goal, testament to how we failed to get close to actually hitting the back of the net from a Spurs players touch.

I’m not going to analyse the game anymore than that. No point. If we lose to Sunderland at home, the shit is gonna hit the fan. Literally. I’m going throw frozen shit pellets at the chairman and some of them might deflect or hit innocent bystanders. I’ll apologise for the collateral damage now.

Dear Mr Levy.........The Summer is Over

Dear Mr Levy,

I’d thank you for the grapes but you haven’t sent me any.

Here I am, lying in my hospital bed, typing out this letter on my Sony Vaio. I am not bitter. Or regretful. If it wasn’t for that bloke in the tree then you would surely be congratulating me for a job well done. Instead, we face the prospect of losing Berbatov to Manchester United and the decimation of our club will continue in earnest. I tried. You can’t blame me for that. But it’s questionable why I had to intervene to help the clubs diminishing ego in the first place.

Get your house in order. Each summer you manage to out-do yourself. Just when I think we’ve gone through the final depressing mire, you manage to conjure up another hellmouth of disillusion and disappointment. If I wanted coco-pops I’d have coco-pops, so stop taking a dump in my bowl of corn flakes because I’m sick of you turning the milk chocolatey.

Don’t bin this letter just yet. I haven't completely written us off. In fact, I’m confident for the season ahead, but the cracks you’ve failed to fill are telling and might cost us dear. And this is where the disillusion and disappoint fester. We take one step forward, but then take a step back again before moving forward. Then we repeat it. It’s the perpetual dance of the never ending transition, like Michael Flatley on ketamine.

Robbie Keane is gone. You’ve sold our very own Garrincha to Liverpool, a side we should be targeting to replace in the Top Four. You’ve weakened us and made them stronger by giving them our best player. Keane was the spark that ignited our attacks. The mouth that shouted encouragement. The scorer of great goals. Our consistent twenty-a-season goal scorer. He was our genius. The way he would always try that trick, you know the one, where he pretends to clean his boots behind the goal only to sneak up behind the keeper and attempt to steal the ball away from him. That one time it worked years and years ago, brilliant, just brilliant! It’s like that moment Pele almost scores from the half-way line – unforgettable! But it’s better because it’s so cheeky. Irish charm like that can’t have a price stamped on it. But the moment his boyhood club (not Celtic, his other boyhood club) reveal their interest in him, he decides to go. His decision made faster than you can say ‘transfer request’. If we had kept him we could have made the Champions League and earned the millions from qualification instead. But no, we accept a charity donation, drop the accusations of tapping up and let him go to Anfield. Would Man Utd let Rooney leave? Would Arsenal let van Persie depart? Would Chelsea allow Drogba to walk away? Of course not. They are all irreplaceable, much like Keane was. Their clubs would not even listen to any offers. But us? Every time, we lube up and bend over for one of the big boys to shaft us good and proper. Liverpool must be laughing their heads off getting Keane for £20M. Laughing their heads off.

And how do we replace our vice-captain? We appoint Jenas in his place and compound this by offering him a new contract. Which he signs. I once famously said that whilst Dave Mackey would run through a brick wall for Tottenham, Jenas would attempt to go through the front door, notice he has no keys and then apologetically spend the night on a park bench crying. These days Jenas avoids the front door altogether and prefers to climb onto the roof and play the fiddle until the strings snap and then climb down the chimney and make his way into the deepest darkest corner in the basement, shivering like a leaf. Making Jenas vice-captain is like asking Amy Winehouse to quit drinking. It’s a redundant idea. She’ll quit when she’s dead. Amy needs a slap. Jenas needs a slap too. Are you going to slap him Daniel? Is Ramos going to slap him? I’ve tried slapping him, but the boy can run. And once he’s in his Bentley, there’s no way of catching up. Not on my Grifter. How will he inspire others when he can’t inspire himself? Or should I have faith and brace myself for another ‘this will be his season’ season for the third successive season?

"Maybe, maybe not"

Excuse me for a minute. The nurse is here to give me a sponge bath.

Oh yeah. Mmmmm. Baby, lower, lower…that’s the spot. Right there. Ooh, it tickles.

Where was I?

Right, then we have the Sunderland fiasco. Steed, Chimbonda and TT all sold to the Mackems because we want to keep Rocha, Lee, Ghaly and Stalteri just in case we need cover in key positions.

Kaboul rejected Roy Keane preferring instead Harry Redknapp. The only time there’s an earthquake in Portsmouth is when Harry drops a brown envelope. Should have gone to Sunderland Younis. You’ll look world class up there. I have no qualms about this particular transfer other than why was Comolli not thrown in as a bonus. Thrown into the Thames. £8M is what we spent on Kaboul. When we scouted him, what exactly did we see that was worth £8M? His inability to defend? His lack of coordination?

Comolli. Specsavers. Both avoiding each other with the perseverance of Marty McFly dodging his mother’s flirting back in the 50’s.

And on the subject of defenders, how is it that Ledley King is always stumbling out of Faces, trousers half way down his arse, absolutely bladdered with the addition of a textbook ugly munter and bouncers arms all perfectly captured in a Kodak moment for the ever present Evening Standard? The latest incident happened a few days back. It’s practically choreographed. Preparation for the new season going well I take it? We then have our esteemed manager talking about King as if we don’t know whether he will last the season out. Nothing new here. The bloke obviously has major issues. For a start, his choice in belts is woeful. Go to Top Man and pick yourself up a nice little number. Something that preserves your dignity when you’ve had one too many. And for God’s sake, try something different. Faces is an abomination. Ask John Terry for some alternative drinking establishments and some etiquette do’s and don’ts. Get with the program Ledley and start behaving like a professional footballer.

Ok, let’s momentarily leave the negativity and try to concentrate on the positivity. Because regardless of the fact that I don’t think everything is perfect, you might have fluked yourself a 5th spot placement. Or maybe even 4th. I know. It’s not often I feel encouraged and even though there is still an abundance of hurdles to jump, this summer hasn’t been a complete disaster.

Paul Robinson. The Park Lane’s favourite son is gone. No more chants of ‘England’s number one’ or ‘the ball…the ball, you’re meant to catch it not watch it…oh Christ no, it’s gone in. Again. Why God Why?’. What grand loyalty we have shown him, honouring the long term contract he signed by selling him two seasons later. I jest. The moment he lost form we let him lose it further down the back of the career sofa until all he could find was fluff. And at that point, we discarded him. It was the right thing to do. Blackburn have been practically relegated with this signing. Robinson was the epitome of our progression. We excel beyond expectations; believe in our own hype and then falter embarrassingly. We should have dropped him faster than he drops a cupcake for a doughnut. His Atkins diet was a commendable effort on his part, but made little impact on his performances. I wish him well for the future.

So roll up the next victim of the curse. We now have alleged world-class Brazilian Gomes between the sticks which I’m hoping means no more goals conceded from 30 yards out. Be warned there’s no guarantee of that not happening, because there will be no stopping the shots coming in from that distance thanks to our resident midfield general Zokora who’s idea of closing players done consists of the Tibetan mind trick of wishing the ball away from the opposition player simply by thinking about it. There are people who sit on the back row of the West Stand that get closer to the ball than Zokora. Gomez has his work cut out this season. But it’s ok because he’s gonna hang from the goal bar before kick-off, psyching himself and the fans up. ‘Brazils number one, Brazils Brazils number one’.

Modric is our midfield saviour in an attacking form. Our brand new creative spark. But it’s a bit like having Cannon with no Ball. Little with no Large. He needs a defensive midfielder of true class partnering him in the centre of the park. It’s ok to get excited about his ability but why hasn’t the most vital part of the jigsaw been completed? Skinny small lad is our Modric, but a tough nut having played in the brutal Bosnia and Herzegovina Premier League. He’ll handle himself I’m sure, but he’ll need protection. I am privileged to have him at our club for the next two seasons, and wish him well when he signs for Man Utd.

Gok does not approve

Our other lickle midfielder is the Mexican dos Santos who seems to be doing rather well in pre-season. How exactly have we managed to steal the new Ronaldinho from Barcelona? This surely is our very own Fabregas moment. A new diamond in our crown jewel. He’s going to be amazing for us; you can tell he has the skills. One standing foot, and one kicking foot – there’s no way he will be out of his depth in England. I hate to praise Comolli, but he might have struck gold for the first time. Gio will do for us what Lennon has. Mazzy, dinking runs. Dribbles. Goals, dummies and shimmies. Wednesday evening kick-offs in the pouring cold rain? Close your eyes Gio, and it’s the Camp Nou. Be sure to open them before Konchesky lunges in.

We’ve also spent £15M and a bit on David Bentley. The Manchester United supporting Spurs fan. Legend. A player shifted out of Arsenal by Wenger for very little who now find themselves with a £7M windfall. Who’s laughing now? We decimated Roma, runners-up in Serie A last weekend, and our new winger notched a brace. For me this is the benchmark. If we can dismantle Roma who are two weeks behind English clubs in preparation for the new season but runners-up in Italy, then we can surely beat the big clubs in the Prem and the mediocre clubs away from home. Ramos has done it already. All those poor performances after the Carling Cup Final are irrelevant now. The new-look Spurs have been tested substantially this pre-season and it’s all coming together. Bentley will score and create and give us something different. Like crosses. I remember seeing one of them back when Waddle starred for us. Doesn’t even matter that Bentley played for them lot. We at Spurs will get behind him, regardless of form, and give him the type of support we gave Carrick when he signed from West Ham. We are salt of the earth like that. And if he doesn’t perform at all, then I’ll PM and post ‘FAO’ threads on a Spurs forum venting my anger at his publicity seeking mate.

Gardner has joined Hull for £2.5M. Gardner has left for Hull. Hull sign Gardner for club record. No more Gardner. Anthony departs Spurs for £2.5M. Hull sign Spurs defender. Anthony sent to Hull on Gardening leave. Spurs make £2.5M on Gardner move to Hull. Gardner in three year Hull deal. Gone to Hull. No matter how you say it and how many times you repeat it, you just can’t seem to believe it. Now and again you do surprise me Daniel with these shrewd business deals. For this, no egg throwing when you next visit Tescos. I promise you only profanities.

But alas, the positivity ends here. Let’s move onto Corluka. This particular debacle made me dizzy. Did we bid for him? Did he have a medical? Did he sign a contract? Was any of the tabloid talk and ITK forum whispers anywhere close to the truth? He’s still a City player and we still don’t have a centre-back, which means all our hopes our firmly on Woodgate and King to remain fit. Christ, we’re sitting on a egg volcano that’s about to erupt yolk. And you know where it’s going to settle? All over our faces. The entirety of the summer months and we wait until the end of it to attempt to pay almost £8M for a player who isn’t brilliant, but half decent and would work well as cover. But we don’t actually conclude the deal. For £8M surely we can buy a couple of decent CB’s for cover or just one accomplished CB – because let’s face it - King won’t be playing every game. And Dawson, who can’t seem to play at all if he isn’t partnered up with King wouldn’t be the promising alternative. The lean slim new look Huddlestone doesn’t have the speed or mobility. Unless you stick him in that Formula One car. One out of two ain’t bad going.

As for the Keane replacement and the replacement for Berbatov (that’s two positions, yes?) we have brought in nothing. Darren Bent is our sole striker. Arshavin appears to be our sole target. Is this a summers worth of preparation? We managed to splash £16.5M last season on Bent, surely we can do the same this season? Why have we not signed Arshavin? I know Zenit have moved the goal-posts on their asking price, but with Keane gone there is no need to wait for Berbatov to also depart. If Zenit want £20M, pay them £20M. He looked exceptional in Euro 2008, in that one game. Not so much in the other one but that’s not the point. That one goal celebration where his arms are held up and his head slanted shows this guy also has marketable qualities. A baby-face assassin. The Russian hit man. Not that I would personally buy anything from the Spurs Shop of course. But I know you won’t miss a trick. We must move quickly to beat Barcelona to his signature. Real quick, before they steal in to snatch him up. I know in the past we got burnt with the Rebrov signing and Postiga also, but this is different because we wouldn’t make the same mistake twice. How will he fit into the team? Who knows? But he’s been linked to us for so long if we don’t sign him, it will feel like we’ve lost a player. It’s like Kuyt all over again.

Which brings us to Berbatov. The big kick off is just days away and the Sulk is still stropping his way around the pitch and training ground. Which is where I found myself the other day. At the Lodge. With the Premier League deciding there is not enough evidence to make a decision on Ferguson’s alleged tapping up of Berbatov, everyone is claiming it’s now a done deal waiting to happen. I was more than happy to see my visit to Chigwell was not a wasted one. Because my being there would only be productive if Dimitar was also present. It brought much delight to this urban guerilla. Although at the time I did not foresee it all ending in tears.

The Berbatov saga has dragged on longer than Cliff Richard’s celibacy. It has to come to an end. It’s boring, bland and unnatural and nobody can take it any longer. For the love of God, I need to know! We all need to know! Is he gay, straight, bi, asexual? Why the obsession with Christmas songs? Was Sue Barker a good shag? As for Berbatov, this particular saga also requires a sight is in end. Once again we wait for another nail to be hammered into our coffin. First Carrick. Then Keane. And next Berbatov. A feeder club to the Top 4. Shaking your fist in anger, writing letters to the authorities expecting this to somehow appease us is not going to work. We need to halt this conveyor belt of doom.

Where Ferguson can stand his ground with Ronaldo, we pretend to do the same thing, rejecting bids and looking the other way, knowing full well that we will sell him with seconds to go in the transfer window without a replacement lined-up. But why should we even consider selling him even though the player wants out? Show some bottle and initiative Levy! Buck the trend, even if it costs us - otherwise they will continue to take our players. But alas, you’d prefer us to be mugged off publicly, again.

Hospital food being served up. Excellent. This is like dropping a kebab on the pavement and watching a dog lick it before picking it up and hiding the hairs and fleas by running back into the takeaway to ask for more chilli sauce. Is this mash potato or boiled cabbage? I can’t tell.

So anyway, that’s why I found myself at the Lodge. I decided that the fate of the club serves best to sit in the palms of a loyal supporter. We cannot be bullied by the likes of Manchester United any longer, and with the Prem League turning a blind eye (much like they did when Scudamore failed to act when half our team almost died prior to that West Ham match) someone outside the constraints of official rules and regulations has to tip the balance in our favour.

When Berbs turned up for training, I quizzed myself whether he was simply there to clear out his locker and say goodbye to each of his reflections in all of the mirrors found within the complex. Then he appeared on the turf, kicking a ball and it was soon obvious there was not a whiff of a Utd medical on the horizon. Which meant Operation Nuts could commence. It was simple really. Waiting for one of our inept players to give him a hammy so he’s out for a month would be a waste of time. Which meant the responsibility was with me.

Injure Berbatov, force Utd to look elsewhere. Purchase Arshavin before the deadline. Berbs remains, regains fitness and rejoins the first team as we propel ourselves into a Champs League spot.

I’ve spent most of the summer conducting secret tests, planning out every second of this masterplan. Many badgers have died as I’ve streamlined the operation to perfection. But with practice over, it's was now time to put it into motion aiming for a satisfactory end result. The Bulgarian must sit on the treatment table long enough to keep him beyond the transfer window closure and by Christmas, his heart might find its way back to us.

But you’ll be disheartened to know this was no smooth execution. In fact it was an unmitigated disaster. This was Spurs v Arsenal, 1971 all over again. Gut wrenching.

I waited for Berbatov to walk towards his car after training was concluded. I was perfectly camouflaged. Security out of sight, no other players present. My secret box of surprise ready to be opened. Pandora, stand back.

I jumped out of my hiding place, startling the Bulgarian, and proceeded to throw a balloon full of Red Bull at him. It exploded on impact.

Operation Nuts – Bulgarian Balloon Burst was a success. The ‘it went to shit’ bit was to follow directly after this. As Berbs stood there, shrugging as if Lennon had just misplaced another pass, I opened the box.

Twenty three squirrels, all suffering from caffeine withdrawal, primed for the attack. The second they catch the whiff of Red Bull on Berbatov…nothing will stop them. You’d think that force-feeding squirrels carbonated energy drink for two weeks and then depriving them of it for several days would have a desirable effect. A vicious army of fluffy tailed warriors, ready to do anything for a fix, lunging forwards towards the soaked target.

Almost like karmatic sabotage, it went to shit.

"GLORY!"

There was no forward lunging. They heard branches being ruffled and the over-whelming desire to return to the wild and ignore the Red Bull was too strong for their confused minds. I should have got hold of some Charlie instead, but my budget only catered for the jittery drink. Crack whore squirrels would not have shown such insubordination.

All of them, in unison, turned their backs on Berbatov and their beastmaster and run towards a tree, preferring the clean country air and the imminent shakes of going cold turkey. Obviously all I could do was follow my rodent army before security were alerted, leaving Berbatov bemused by the whole incident.

In addition there was no chance in hell I was gonna let the little buggers escape. It took me the best part of the summer to capture them and train them. Ten hours a day, intensive re-programming, attack formations and don’t get me started on the scratch marks I got from the bottle-feeding.

They were born for this day. They utterly ruined the Red Bull soaked effigy of Berbatov, ruined it. And what they did to those badgers still keeps me awake at night. Doherty, one particularly ginger squirrel with a Hannibal complex, was oh so vicious. My favourite. The other squirrels were hippies in comparison. We formed a bond. The way we both foamed in the corner of our mouths made me believe that nothing would stop us from succeeding.

And yet there I was, standing at the foot of the tree with the little blighters running up it. And there right at the tip of one of the highest branches was a bloke, binoculars in one hand and a notepad and crayon in the other.

“What the paxton are you doing up there?”
“I can see Arsh!! You haven’t got a laptop with a network connection on you?”
“Look, I’m just after the squirrels. I’m not interested in what you can see, you pervert. You want to see arse, get yourself a girlfriend or visit a sauna. The one in Stratford is pretty good.”
“Arshavin!!”
“You’re sick, do you know that? Just keep your voice down and don’t scare my squirrels”
“It’s Arshavin!! ARSHAVIN!! MEDICAL!! MED…I…CAAAAAAAAAL!!”
“For God’s sake, the squirrels man, the squirrels!”

He wouldn’t stop screaming. And with all the shrieking, seconds later led by Doherty, the squirrels grouped into attack formation delta-b and savaged him. What they should have done to Dimitar they were doing to this lost soul up in a tree. I was actually quite proud. Ok, it wasn’t the intended target, and he smelt more of Burger King than Red Bull, but attack formation delta-b is still attack formation delta-b. Direct and decisive.

Before I could take out my N95 and video the glorious moment for youtube, he fell from the tree, body terrorised by my brethrens, and landed on top of me.

The squirrels scattered into the wild. Maybe it was the concussion but I’m sure Doherty winked at me as he trotted off to a neighbouring tree. I’ll never forget that fluffy tail. Berbatov had long since driven off home. And having broken his fall, my binocular carrying friend scarpered away, with a squirrel or two still attached to his arse.

And here I am. In hospital. A few broken ribs, bruises…other battle injuries. Something about a viral zoonotic neuroinvasive disease. Nothing to worry about I'm sure. I’ll be on my feet in no time and discharged hopefully before Saturday.

And that’s when all the hopes of all Spurs fans rest on the opening fixture of the season. A summers worth of analysis and conjecture replaced by fact. 90 minutes of football. One step of 38 to be taken.

I don’t want grapes now. Just the three points.

Yours Hoping,

Spooky

And it's goodbye from me

Next couple of weeks will be interesting to say the least. Not sure when the Prem are set to comment on the Spurs dossier about Utd's shenanigans, but should be fun seeing them dismiss Levy's evidence as heresay. Barcelona are sniffing around Berbatov if you believe the rumours. I'd be happy to take a £5M hit by selling him to the Catalans rather than Utd. No news on Keane. He's still out in Spain with the first team squad. Although a wonderful quote from a fan out there in the sun, who asked Robbie if he was going anywhere, to which our Orish magican replied 'the changing room'. Berbatov is also still out in Spain looking his usual moody self. I'm waiting for him to light a cigar mid-training and blow smoke in Ramos face.

TT has joined Sunderland. Sad to see him go although not overly disappointed. Good squad player but injured far too easily and not good enough to command a first team place. Chimbonda is hopefully next to go (if he hasn't already). No news on Steed or Kaboul at the time of writing.

We could still do with another defender and DM but all the fans and media are concerned about is the possible replacements for the departing Keane and Berbatov.

Arshavin is the one being touted. I still think he won't come to us, if only because he has aspirations to play for a club (other than his current one) which is in the Champs League and a little bit more famous. He obviously fancies himself a bit more due to recent performances so Barca would be a bigger fish than the lickle Spurs trout.

As for the rest of the targets, take your pick from any number of Spanish based players. And Bentley still isn't a done deal (we apparently offered £9M for him - which is probably a decent valuation). Rover's want double that.

I'm off now for 2 weeks, sunning it up abroad. So no internet access for me. I'll have to rely on the red top tabloids each morning to keep me apprised of what's going on. Oh the joy of being free of the shackles of message boards.

See you all on the other side.

~S

Jordan

Shut the fuck up, you whiny flop-haired bitch.

Palace were furious when a Football League tribunal decided last month Spurs should make a down payment of £700,000 for the England Under-17 midfielder, one of the most highly prized talents outside the top flight.

The deal was widely publicised as being able to rise to just £1.25m but a letter from the League to a Palace supporters' group - seen by Standard Sport - confirms the final fee is likely to be far higher.

The Championship club will receive an additional £250,000 when he makes five first-team appearances for Spurs with the same amount payable when he plays 10, 20, 30 and 40 matches.

Palace will also receive £200,000 if Bostock is capped by England and 15 per cent of any profit if Spurs sell him.

If Bostock realises his potential and commands an eight-figure fee, Palace could yet comfortably realise their £5m valuation of the 16-year-old.

So Simon, what exactly is your problem?

~S

Keep dreaming

Things would be a little different if Spurs had qualified for the Champs League when we had the chance to do so a few years back. Although the distraction of it might have meant us failing to get there the next season (not that anyone would have complained that much). The 4th spot position would have mean (in such a scenario) that we could attract second-tier world class players because of what we have to offer on the European stage.

With regards to the current Keane/Berbatov situation, Spurs have to yo-yo through this type of transfer disloyalty until we strike lucky, which means regardless of us losing our 'best' players every 2/3 years to 'bigger clubs' we have to be in a position where we can still challenge for 4th spot - even if it means finishing 5th - and picking up a Cup or two in the mean time.

The luck part is down to one of the current Big Four having a mare of a season.

So, in conclusion. We have to be better than everyone else as a given, and then concentrate on aspiring to break into the top four.

Easy peasy.

~S

Can't we just get a second hand one?

Blackburn apparently rate Bentley at £18M.

£12M is a far better estimation based on his recent form and the current transfer market. We'd probably offer that up front with an additional £4M based on achievements. The usual appearances, goals and where Spurs finish in the Prem. So £16M in total but won't matter too much because if we qualified for the Champs League, we would be rolling in it more so than usual.

Imagine the merchandise we would churn out? Christ, I can taste puke in my mouth.

Kabooom!

Regarding the £23M Sunderland raid on 4 of our players.....I just find this whole episode strange. I don't mind seeing any of them leave the club, apart from Steed who I believe still has something to offer. But Ramos obviously knows what he is doing squad/selection wise so if he is letting him go, so be it.

The Kaboul transfer is for me the golden moment of the summer. His agent has told us that Kaboul going to Sunderland is simply not going to happen because it will damage the boys international career. Ok, fact time. To have an international career you need to have a first team domestic career first and all Kaboul has a virtual shit covering his boots. This is the man who creates pockets of miniature earthquakes every time he attempts to defend, resulting in conceded goals. Sunderland, IMO, is where he should go - whether it be transfer or loan because he simply doesn't have the composure or timing to be a first team player for any side with aspirations that amount more to avoiding relegation.

The club are solely responsible for this. I might be wrong but I'm sure when we signed him he wasn't meant to be thrown into the deep end and play for the first eleven. And if so, this begs another question. How can we keep allowing Comolli to spend money like £8M on a player who 'has potential' when in fact all he has is half a footballing brain? For someone who came from Arsenal, Comolli has no ability to scout cheap quality players with potential. For £8M we should be buying superb capable confident players.

Pompey will probably not pay anything more than £4M for him.

So what's the evidence?

According to someone on Spurs Community (this, compared to the usual ITK info is a lot more plausible):

Allegedly.

1. KEANE - The official complain to PL was made late on Tuesday. The basis of this is NOT Rafa's comments, which merely act as public proof. It is alleged that, on an afternoon away from the training camp in Spain, Robbie Keane was approached by Liverpool FC parties, who enquired as to his interest in joining LFC prior to their making an official bid. The penny dropped when a pre-agreement was proposed. Robbie Keane then contacted his agent, before calling Spurs chairman Daniel Levy and informing him of what occurred and letting him know that he was not party to this meeting and it was unexpected. Meanwhile, he has also made it clear that he would be interested in a move to LFC, but if it fails to materialise, would happily stay at Spurs.

2. Berbatov: This one is messy. Spurs' dossier dates back to a week or so after Berbatov signed for Spurs, when it was made clear to him that if he succeeded at WHL a bid would come in for him from Old Trafford. After the first season, the players agent was contacted without the clubs knowledge which triggered an angry response from Spurs and Berbatov being in severe trouble. Martin Jol tried to intervene, this caused a feeling of resentment between board and manager after Jol told them 'it would be best to sell Berba'. Spurs' complaint also included Man Utd players' statements 'encouraging' Berbatov to join - this was attributed to Carrick to Sky Sports.

I can believe in this. Not sure how strong the 'Utd players statements' is with regards to the overall complaint. Didn't Gerrard do something similar with Barry?

Looks like I was near the mark with Berbatov and the Utd link, and if there's factual evidence then that apology is about to be birthed.

~S

Deflected own goal

‘Dry them’ is probably what I would say if I believed Daniel Levy was sincere with his statement about Manchester United and Liverpool’s behaviour. Devious and calculated are words better associated with his actions. As he sits in his throne room with scantily clad women feeding him grapes and sucking his toes, having his PA dictating his latest rant, you and I both know that this is nothing more than a PR stunt to help deflect the fact that we are about to lose the only functioning part of the team. It is however understandable. He is protecting the interests of the club and the team. He knows as well as anyone we have lost these players already so why not deflect the disappointment and turn it into hate, vented towards Fergie and Rafa.

Regardless of whether Ferguson mentioned Berbatov’s name, either in the newspaper stories featured in most red tops and broadsheets or the alleged fans meeting and regardless of the fact that he has further evidence documented – we all know nothing much will happen other than two players leaving Spurs and probably two arriving as replacements.

So why the dramatics? Why the crusade to uphold the integrity of the game when we all know that everybody is involved in talking to players or other clubs managers outside of the correct process? It’s no secret that Utd want Berbatov. The players head was turned a long time ago. And rejecting a Liverpool bid for Keane doesn’t mean he won’t find out via his agent what the Anfield side have to offer.

Let’s run through the delightfully punchy statement.

There has been substantial speculation in respect of the futures of Dimitar Berbatov and Robbie Keane, including press comment from both Sir Alex Ferguson and Rafa Benitez. In response our Chairman, Daniel Levy has made the following statement: "Today's public comments by Manchester United's manager, announcing that he has made an offer for Dimitar and is confident that the deal will go through with time working in their favour, is a blatant example of sheer arrogance and interference with one of our players. It is also probably one of the worst offences by any manager in the Premier League to date and is unbelievably hypocritical given his recent comments in respect of Cristiano Ronaldo and Real Madrid.

Did he or didn’t he mention Berbatov’s name? The interview given at the airport has Ferguson state he has bid for a player but doesn’t state a name although it’s quite obvious to everyone there and watching on TV who it is. Others are suggesting Ferguson does mention Berbatov in another interview with United fans. Regardless, what’s the complaint about? It’s not tangible because all it amounts to is arrogance. So as far as disrespect is concerned, sure. Ferguson is being disrespectful by suggesting it’s a done deal more or less. He’s predicting a black eye of a future and it’s not nice when a bigger lad pushes you around the play ground, slapping your head with glee and unmovable confidence. There’s no detention for the bully. The headmaster is too busy chatting up the dinner ladies. But complaining and bitching about the inevitable won’t change the fact that nothing ever comes of this. The harsh truth is that football is full of liars and cheats and people in positions of power, managers included, will forever go outside the rules and guidelines, even when it’s not necessary. Ferguson is a master. And not too often are complaints made through the official channels.

"Hurry up lads, I'm late for my medical"

‘Confident a deal will be done’ is the usual high level hypocrisy we know he is capable of, acting the Billy Big Bollocks when he wants to be and throwing toys out the pram when he experiences it himself. It's double standards. The trait of the successful no less.

"This comes after a series of events, dating back to last summer, which have shown Manchester United to be in breach of Premier League (PL) rules. As a result, we have today made an official complaint to the PL about the conduct of Manchester United. Benitez made similar comments in respect of Robbie recently and we made an official complaint to the PL about the conduct of Liverpool earlier this week.

Why not complain about United last summer? Has Levy been compiling a dossier because he believes this will bring United down to their knees? I doubt very much they will unzip and gag. Tapping up players, making illegal approaches – whatever you want to call it is common practice. It’s not right, but how else can – for example – a manager of one club know and understand the interest of another? Levy surely isn’t naive to think that there is no contact prior to an official approach and permission granted. Daniel should have a chat with Paul Kemsley about his trip to Spain.

Same type of thing applies to players. If a player is at a club, and a club rejects a bid from another club – the player might be curious to know what offer is on the table, as far as personal terms are concerned. He can hand over a transfer request or he can ask the club to accept a bid so he can talk to the interested club. But in addition, he will have his agent talk to representatives of the interested club so he can sample a taster of what he will earn. Is it above board? Of course not. Does it break Premier League rules? Yes. Still happens though. And even when a club is punished for it, it’s not a devastating moment for all concerned. A few thousand pounds in fines and some moderately bad publicity. The way Levy ends the statement doesn’t suggest that either player will find themselves in the same position Ashley Cole did.

"The behaviour of both clubs has been disgraceful. We told both clubs very early on that we had no interest in selling Robbie or Dimitar, respectively, and that they should refrain from pursuing the player.

So let me get this straight. Levy told Utd and Liverpool we are not interested in selling either Berbatov of Keane and he expected them to walk away without even a whisper? Since when has that stopped anyone from chasing a player?

Both clubs arrogantly chose to ignore this request and we now have evidence that both clubs have systematically been working to prise the players away from us, outside of PL rules of conduct. Our subsequent position has been severely compromised by both clubs making their intentions widely known and indeed making contact with the players and their agents, without the Club's permission.

I’ll issue an apology if our Chairman proves to everyone that he does have evidence – and it would have to be damning for the Prem League to do something about it by going up against Sir Alex Ferguson. But an apology in such circumstances would be joyous.

Drag queen Dimitar

Shame on the likes of United and Liverpool for making public their interests in signing players and discussing potential transfers. No other clubs do that, that I can’t think of. At least not direct quotes from managers. I don’t think we ever do it. In fact I’m certain we don’t say a thing until the other club have accepted an offer and a medical has been booked. And regardless the ‘did he didn’t he’ conundrum of Ferguson’s alleged Berbatov comment and the fact that even Bryan Robson has been publicly airing his opinions on the subject, you would still need to have a Man Utd representative wearing a Utd scarf meeting Berbatov in a motorway McDonalds accepting a Utd shirt to stand even half a chance of seeing them punished.

If we do have the evidence, then I wonder why Levy had to latch onto an alleged newspaper quote – which is the only thing Ferguson has appeared to comment on and can quite easily be washed away with any other tabloid dirt. Is it really possible that Utd and Liverpool would risk the wrath of another Prem League chairman, especially one as excitable as Levy? Would be nice.

"I have absolutely no wish to sell either player and to date we have not accepted any offer for either. However, when a player's head is turned and their commitment is absent, particularly when they occupy key positions such as that of striker, they become a negative influence in a team dressing room in which they were once a positive addition and influence. This is the situation we now have on our hands, with both Dimitar and Robbie having made it clear that they wish to leave for Manchester Utd and Liverpool respectively.

"Irrespective of the outcome and futures of Robbie and Dimitar, we are continuing to seek to bring in quality, talented players for the future, who want to play in a Spurs shirt."

Ooh that word ‘however’. It decimates all that comes before it. The above perfectly illustrates the crux of the problem. Players, either directly via a club representative speaking to his agent or by the means of a manager telling the press how much he rates him or a friendly reporter making up a story to force the issue – it’s ludicrous to believe a player wont move clubs if official routes are initially blocked.

Levy knows this. Although he isn’t laying too heavy a blame on the individuals by suggesting heads have been turned but does criticise them for lacking commitment. Although some of the pics from Spain suggest otherwise. Although more than likely, Berbatov is acting up as per usual and Keane is probably throwing a strop in training (just not when he is being carried by mates on the beach). It’s almost apologetic. It’s very much inevitable.

I’ve actually gone through various opinions and emotions the past few days, and I can’t quite find myself caring too much about this now other than to say:

Sell both players
Buy replacements
Push on

You might think I’m being a tad harsh with all this. I’m not. I just don’t expect to be surprised. Ferguson, as great and successful as he has been is guilty of countless shameless moments, on (bullying refs) and off (transfers) the pitch. And yet he has the undying support and love of all the media hacks. It would be a fairytale if something was done about it and maybe then things might start to change a little. You’d get better odds on Spurs finishing 4th.

With the current monopoly in the Premier League, the Top Four will always pick and choose who they want and anyone from the likes of Robbie ‘I’ve found my spiritual home’ Keane and the apparently modest down to earth Bulgarian will rip up their contracts to move on if something bigger and better comes along. Can we blame them? Does beg the question why Berbatov even bothered to ignore Utd to sign for us in the first place. Probably a case of Utd making sure he can play in the Prem before they launch their bid and Dimitar proving the case. Keane, as good as he is, isn’t great. He is replaceable. So don’t fret too much. It's up to him if he wants to go from being a big fish in a little pond to....well, you know the rest. But it's subjective anyways. Keane could do great things at Liverpool or he could fall victim to Rafa's rotation revolution.

The reason Levy is frustrated is the same reason we all are. We buy quality players, they prove themselves at this level and then they’re picked up because two years on they realise that they have to move on to play in the Champs League. It's the stepping stone ethos. Players are about careers and are loyal to the club that suits their needs.

How will it change? One of the top 4 has to fuck up and we have to be lucky enough to take their place. Almost happened once. Until the next time....

~S

Won't someone please think of the children...?

The latest news:

TT, Steed and Chimbonda have all returned to the UK so they can 'complete' moves away from the Lane.

Robbie Keane transfer fee has been agreed. Personal terms and medical to follow.

Berbatov to Utd is happening, but at a slower pace.

Spurs are in talks to bring in two MAJOR signings from the same country but different clubs.

Spooky shits in a box and mails it to Levy.

Sooner rather than later

Still no denial statements from Mr Chairman regarding our two forwards. Longer this goes on the more tricky it becomes for us to plan for the season ahead. Although at the moment I'd say that having no true world-class (or somewhere near to it) DM will cost us. Unless our Prem form and tactics come to fruition with immediate impact come Boro away, I can't see how things will drastically change compared to last season.

OOh, negativity rains supreme. I'm being realistic. Modric to Bent might save the day, but Modric to Berbatov and Keane will do wonders. But other areas still need development and improvement and all this want-away transfer talk is nothing more than a distraction.

Do Spurs want to keep Keane? If so, then please end the speculation. Otherwise, sell and be done with it.

Is Berbatov really subject to a transfer bid? If so, price him up at £30M and bit their fucking hands off.

I won't cry. I'll just expect more quality to come in as replacements. The real pressure is on actually achieving something within two years otherwise whoever does come in will soon be on their way again.