Challenge Spurs™ - Long live the King

Challenge Spurs™ Series

Game 08 v (A) West Ham United
2-0 win, 3 points
Total points: 18
Position: 15th

Julian Dicks, Tony Cottee, Billy Bonds, Frank Lampard Senior, Danny Dyer, Russell Brand, Ray Winstone, The Krays, Phil and Grant, Jellied Eels, Burberry, Lego castles, Knees up mother brown, Dick van Dyke, Nigel Winterburn, Scott Parker, Green Street, lasagne, Carlito Tevez, The Academy of Football, Frodo Baggins....can you hear me Frodo Baggins? Your boys took one hell of a beating! Your boys took one hell of a beating!

*Cough*

Not the greatest London Derby ever. Ranks somewhere between average and ordinary. But a win is a win is a win, right? New improved Spurs can lose a game, and then follow it up with an away win. Something all too difficult for so many transitional Lilywhite sides in the past 10 years. Not that this is the dawn of a new age or anything spectacular. Living simply in the present, survival (dramatic word right there) is still paramount. We know, and so does everyone else, that we will not get relegated because there are other teams with next to little hope of getting out of their current predicaments. Harry Redknapp is no longer available. But glad to see the likes of Woodgate still refer to a 'relegation battle'.

That type of self-awareness and respect for our current situation helps satisfy any questions about the mentality of the squad. They know its far from done and dusted and that type of attitude will see us fine. Christ knows what the attitude was when Ramos was in charge, although the blame could be split 50/50 with the players. Juande was today appointed the new Madrid boss (for anyone who has not been paying attention). Sideways step there for the Special Juan.

Nothing sideways about Spurs at Upton Park. At least by the end of the game there wasn't. Pretty non-descript first half. West Ham pretty in possession but fuck all else. Zola attempting to get his players to play Italian style. Someone needs a word in his ear that you need quality players to get away with that type of football.

Spurs with the better chances (Pav hitting the post being the closest we got). Second half, we were resolute and determined. And simply better in every way in comparison to the little team from Green Street. Aaron 'I really do have some end product' Lennon crossing for Ledley 'my knee is knackered but I'm still better than most' King who duly headed the ball downwards into the ground and over the despairing reach of Rob Green. The second goal came from a counter after Gomes brilliantly saved twice (first save was good, second was actually down to the ball being struck straight at him by DiMichele, but let's just reveal in the moment) and off down the other end of the pitch we went where O'Hara hit a sweet shot giving Green no chance for the second time in the game.

Average, ordinary game? Yes. Only one team ever likely to win it? Yes. Harry keeps up his 100% winning record when returning to West Ham. And we move up to 15th, above West Ham, who have spent the best part of this season laughing at our plight. That irony is a right bastard. Proper in-your-face c*nt.

Why so serious?

General observations from the game:

Pav. Played upfront on his own, didn't hold up the ball that well but you could argue that hoofing the ball to him isn't the cleverest of things tactically. He's a bit slow which became more than apparent when the pacey Bent came on. Much better suited in a 4-4-2 where he is more likely to cause a bit of havoc 'running around' alongside Darren.

Lennon and Corluka owning their side of the pitch. Some decent flank play from the pair of them. Lennon beginning to prove he ain't no one trick bling pony. And Corluka proving he was a very astute buy. Who bought him again? *blush*. Defence played very well and dealt with everything that Cole and Bellamy throw at them. Although I could deal with those two myself. Bellamy looks shot to pieces. Cole is all heart no skill.

When West Ham did manage to get a shot on target, reborn of confidence, Gomes, smiled and collected the ball. Comfortable. Talking of 'shot to pieces', Bentley is...shot to pieces. Here is a player who fancies himself a bit. There's nothing wrong in that. Beckham, in a very understated way, fancied himself. Ronaldo, in the most obvious way, fancies the fuck out of himself. But both have a right to because they are great players. Bentley is at best a very good player, but not the most consistent and definitely nowhere near being great. So what we have is a £16M player who is trying to play from memory of how a great player should be playing. Harry needs a blatant word in his ear. I'd personally slap him across the face and shave his head. He needs to start bringing it and starting with the basics (simple passing, set pieces that deliver) will do just fine for us.

West Ham's new academy players did little to impress

As for Jenas. The enigma is just that. Did he play well? Did he play ok? Did he play poorly? What does he do? What does he bring to the team? I don't know anymore. No matter what, if fit, he seems to play. Do we miss something the manager(s) sees? Much like Carrick, Jenas has qualities that some of us fail to appreciate from the stands. The donkey work and unsexy running around. And the qualities he does have (bursting from midfield, box-to-box energy) is not always on show. He goes missing. Sometimes he shows up. Sometimes he tackles. Sometimes he's invisible. Nobody has come close to taking this young man and instilling arrogant confidence and awareness in his abilities.

Redknapp has a lot of work to sort out both Jermaine and David. The luxury of another £16M Comolli signing to dull over the pain will not be forthcoming.Talking of Comolli signings...Zokora. Shocking, utterly shocking. He played reasonably well. Even gave us one of his trademark runs and shots, this time hitting the shot on target.Yeah, I know, it happened because I saw it and there were cameras there and it was on tv, so screw you if you think I'm making this up. I'll keep you posted on any random drug tests that may have been conducted after the game. Because seriously, bizarro world or what? His pace is staggering at times and if its somehow possible to improve his decisio making a little, his performances may even continue to improve. Smile on his face, heart on sleeve, Didier is enjoying his football and has a willingness that others have (and some still) lack. But before you get a tattoo of his face on your back, let's remember that his passing ability is poor and is one-footed.

Carlton...Cole....I can't look away.....help me...

And then we have Modric. I predicted we would win if he played. Minute or so in, and he should have scored. Bit rusty, didn't strike his shot with any venom or placement. Tame effort at the keeper. But no problem. He was different class to anyone out on the pitch (yes, we know that's probably not saying much). Luka is a quality player who has taken a while to adjust to life in the Prem, which was always going to be the case. He's poor form in the early part of the season was mainly due to the disaster of a start we had. Now the team is winning games (9 out of 12) and he has some protection and team-mates who work as a cohesive unit, he is free to roam and playmake. He has yet to score for us, but his vision, touch and movement is just as important. Without him, we can't keep hold of the ball. With him? Possessions nine tenths of the law. He is our new Berbatov. Smaller, no floppy hair and moody face. No goals, but enough creative spark to see us have a possible 'world class' player to fill the void left by the Bulgarian. Give him another 3-4 months and with Pav hopefully settled to London life - we'll have more than enough to smile about.

King was his majestic self. Cameo performances seem to be what we are limited to nowadays. Harry after the game spoke about how Ledders is a great lad and its shame about his knee. It was a little bit of a downer. Almost felt like Harry was telling us that Ledley will never recover from his knee problems so over time (another season or two?) he might play fewer and fewer games and retirement will be the only option. Where do you find another King from? Uncertain about his availability for Saturday. Fingers crossed.

As for our opponents. Toothless. Lacked any passion, much like the atmosphere in parts. For all their hype about how important this game is for their fans ("Everyone in the dressing room is now raring to go against Tottenham on Monday night. It is the biggest match of the season for our fans and we all know what it means for us to get a result over our London rivals. We will be going all out to try and achieve that" - Lucas Neill) they hardly showed any of that spirit in the 90 minutes that matter the most. Their midfield was poor. One win in ten? Oh well. Being below us is their rightful place, no? That way when they do go above us, they can pop the champers again and celebrate like its 1999.

West Ham's norty mob, in their manner

If any Spurs fan wants to mass-email the league table along with a quote or three from any number of messages received about 4 weeks back - including photos of road signs and jokes about triangles, please feel free to do so. It's a give and take world we live in. So make sure you fucking well give it.

Challenge Spurs™ - Stats Update

8 Played.
5 wins.
1 draw.
2 defeats.

16 points.

4 games left in the Challenge Spurs™ Dirty Dozen series. When I started this, the challenge was as follows:

• 30 points minimum by January 1st
• 12 games
• 6 at home
• 6 away
• 36 possible points

If we win the final four games, we'll have 28 points in total from these 12 games, plus the two points we started with, giving us 30 points. At the time, based on our position and what was happening around us, it was very much a do or die (where have I heard that before?) conundrum. 30 points from 36 is European-challenging form, so it was a huge ask. If we write off Saturdays game against Utd, and say we win the final 3 games, that will give us 25 points from the series, and a total of 27. And with the table the way it is, that should see us with plenty of breathing space (not mathematically impossible to get dragged back into it, but far more of a comfort zone for us).

For now, tilt the head ever so slight upwards to stop the nosebleed.

What a West Ham fan said to me on Saturday night...

'It's do or die'.

Seriously, get a fucking grip mate.

He's bricking it due to abuse he dished out to Spurs fans about certain Ramos inspired relegation (pre-Redknapp) and was gutted when 'arry took over and is even more gutted now due to the fact that what people felt was a given is now a shared reality between several clubs from mid-table downwards, including Zola's claret and blue.

Reminded me how bloody dramatic all us lot were with our knee-jerked reactions to possible life in The Championship.

Still, if we lose at Upton Park and then lose again to Man Utd at home then we might get sucked into the bottom three again. But we'll be safe. Along with West Ham. Thanks mainly to the form of Sunderland, Newcastle, WBA and Blackburn.

Challenge Spurs™ - Monday Night Cup Final

It's been a while since I quoted some stats from the Beeb, so here we go:

Harry Redknapp takes his new Tottenham charges to West Ham, hoping they will retain a 100% record for him. The 61 year old has won every Premier League game at Upton Park as an opposing manager since leaving the Hammers, where he was in charge for seven years from August 1994 to May 2001. Portsmouth won there 2-4 in March 2006, 1-2 on Boxing Day 2006 and 0-1 on 8 April this year.

Spurs, who are on course to retain the Carling Cup, need a victory to draw level with West Ham on points, but they're yet to win a London Premier League derby this season.

Gianfranco Zola's Hammers have followed a six-match winless run, with five points out of nine, a three game spell in which as many clean sheets have been kept.

This being Spurs, you can throw out omens and previous history, as nothing is ever certain when we clash with the 'ammers. And with 'arrys return adding an extra spark to the game (for their fans) I'm sure this will be anything but boring. After the disappoint of losing to Everton at home, and with Utd next weekend, 3 points is imperative™. Losing to them is probably on par with losing to Fulham. An annoyance. And its something best avoided considering we are just above (or arguably in) the mire.

12 miles apart geographically, but I've always fancied Chelsea, Arsenal and even Leeds more when it comes to hatred. Their insistent obsession with us is all abit stalkerish (they seem to hate us, like Arsenal, support West Ham in that order).

I know certain minorities from both sides like a rumble now and again, smashing up pubs at 6am, but I've always liked their players/teams and style of play. But I get it, if you lived in the vicinity and supported Spurs, then you'll have grown up surrounded by West Ham fans, so I can see how some of our fans hate them as much as Arsenal.

Meet any Hammer and they will tell you Spurs are not a big club - sure, we're not, but we're still a bigger club than West Ham - which I guess is what they dislike hearing. They seem to discount the fact they yo-yo between divisions, never win anything and brag on about how they finished above us that one season. Trevor Brooking header aside (my earliest footballing memory was celebrating the goal in the back garden), they won the World Cup (or maybe that was a Russian?).

Their finest recent moment was stopping us from getting to the Champions League. But I've always found that I get more defensive when Arsenal fans bring that up rather than a Claret and Blue. I do know that some Spurs fans hate losing to them, much like Man Utd hated losing to Southampton away many years ago.

WHU v Spurs is the biggest fixture in their calender, which is why they paint their faces and sing 'Bubbles' with so much more intent when we visit Upton Park. But fucking 'ell, leave us alone. We've had to contend with Chelseas love for just as long, and the itensity when we play them is far greater than when we play the Hammers. Also, a horrible little place to visit, with the over zealous police and foul-mouthed fans.

Modric plays, we win. If he doesn't, its a draw or something Fulhamesque, which will result in much open bus parade and street parties I'm sure.

Will Harry keep up his 100% record?
Will Spurs manage to win a London Derby?
Will Zola's inform Hammers hammer Harry?

If it breaks their lickle hearts to lose to us, then I'm more than happy for them to get spanked. Tune in Monday.

Watford v Spurs

If we lose tonight, then we don't need to beat ourselves up because - and I know this is an obvious thing to state - if we lose, we don't bloody deserve to think about the 'what ifs'.

3 games from Wembley. That's incentive enough. No matter the team Harry puts out.

Not that it matters in the long run. If we get Utd in the semi-final, it will be a full strength Utd. Which won't bode well. But enough of this negativity. Onwards, upwards etc.

Challenge Spurs™ - It's a Grand Old Game

Everton at home on Sunday. We'll have to improve on the Blackburn performance although not by much judging by their loss at Wigan last time out.

With West Ham away and Man Utd at home to follow, we need to avoid a dip in our fortunes and get at least 6 points (7 would be nice) out of the next 3 games. Yes, I'm thinking Utd (and Berbatov) will do us over like they always do every sodding season.

13 points thus far. Another 15 or so would do me fine. Modric is still out, which is my main concern. Huddlestone needs to step up and continue his good form and Lennon has to keep on tearing the opposition a new one. I know how to talk up a match, don't I?

Traditionally, we've always tonked Everton or done fairly well at the Lane, but not last time out so here's to Bent re-discovering his goal-scoring (he's on a drought at the minute) and Pav continuing his rich form.

We've yet to havea block-buster Prem performance. I'm getting greedy I know, but would like to see us dominate and boss and bully a team, and take them apart. Would I be stretching the electisity of hope if I also asked for Bentley to put in a good performance?

I'm going for a 2-1 win for us. Not total football. Loads of effort and the odd scary moment, but we'll do just about enough to get the points.

Challenge Spurs™ - The Kings of Calamity

Welcome back Paul Robinson. Cult figure at the Lane? First few season he was undeniably a crowd favourite. Long term contract, England's number one. Helping to gloss over his weakness were those shot-stopping television saves and a confident Spurs defence. Take away decent form from the team, and the cracks were suddenly more transparent. Do you drop a keeper who drops clangers every week to try and help him rebuild confidence with a gentle kick up the bum in the reserves or do you perceive until his form changes for the better? Robbo, from that air-kick in Croatia to countless conceded goals from distance, saw him go from a big smiling personality to a broken desperate caricature of what once was a certainty that he would be Spurs for a decade.

We never dropped him. His form got worse. And much like the loyalty players 'in-form' don't show to clubs like Spurs when they manoeuvre themselves to Old Trafford, we shifted him out of the club. The irony of replacing him with Gomes and then not dropping Gomes for his current form, is once more wonderfully ironic.

So, expect hilarity of world class proposition on Sunday afternoon, unless 'arry surprises us all with a selection that includes Alnwick or Cesar. King, Woodgate, Jenas and Bale should all be fit and ready for this. Did you shudder when I mentioned Bale?

After the poor showing at Craven Cottage, tomorrow has to be a carnival or electric football, one touch push and run. I'll take a 1-0 scrappy win at this point. Need maximium points from the next three games before we entertain Man Utd and welcome back Berbatov to the Lane.

It's one of those season where I don't think a team in our position (20th - 7th) will be free of the teams around us. Same for all of us in this grouping. You need to win maybe 5-6 games on the trot to start feeling confident of dropping points in successive games. Drop points in successive games at the minute, and you might just find yourselves rock bottom again.

Prediction: 3-1 Spurs.

Challenge Spurs™ - Breaking the jinx

Game 05 v (A) Fulham
Total points: 12
Position: 16th

I think we've managed to win just once in 7 or so Prem visits to Craven Cottage. It's a bit of a jinxy place for us, which has seen us either drop points in the last minute or simply get out played from the off. I'm sure Fulham will get at us, and swing the corners and crosses in hoping for some Gomes flapping to help them get their noses in front. I think this game is going to be a test for us, playing a team that is quite obviously not within a light year of Arsenal or Liverpool. Our rejuvenated lot have to turn up for these games too. Considering the amount of points lost to the lickle clubs, I'd say 3 points tomorrow is vital. Don't want to be sitting bottom again by quarter to five.

The squad for tomorrow?

Tottenham: Gomes, Cesar, Hutton, Bale, Gunter, Dawson, Woodgate, Corluka, O'Hara, Zokora, Bentley, Huddlestone, Jenas, Gilberto, Modric, Bostock, Dervite, Lennon, Bent, Campbell, Pavlyuchenko, Stalteri, Rocha, Taarabt, Boateng, Ghaly, Assou-Ekotto.

OH NOES! Ekotto is back. Don't think we'll see too many changes from our last Prem game up at Eastlands. Modric, Bentley, Bent and co all return. King should partner Woodgate.

As for Fulham, they have enough in the way of irritating players that tend to do ok against us. Zamora, Johnson, Murphy etc. And Bullard puts himself about, so all eyes on our centre-midfield. Its the type of team (Hull, Stoke, Wigan) that we've struggled against. I know it's all pre-'arry, but our winning run can't go on forever. I thought City away was the banana skin. Will Fulham break our hearts again?

Prediction: 2-1 Spurs

Challenge Spurs™ - Citeh Away

Game 04 v (A) Man City
Total points: 9
Position: 20th
2 points from safety

Like a 45 year old porn star making her 8th comeback, the Premier League is wide open. Even if Redknapp suffers his first defeat as Spurs manager, the doom and gloom of 3 weeks ago wont be able to muster the strength to rear its ugly head in our direction. We are just 6 points from 7th spot. Now steady on, I'm not waving my Barcelona shirt above my head and whistling the theme from the Champions League. I'm not even going to talk about the possibilities of igniting UEFA Cup qualification from a league position. I'm simply illustrating the fact that as shit as we've been this season, up to the Ramos sacking, we are not superglued to the bottom three. And even the club in 7th place will be looking over her shoulder if results go wrong. Entertainment made in England.

I doubt we can go the full Dirty Dozen fixtures unbeaten, but I'm willing to bet my soul we will be nowhere near the bottom come January. Mid-table will do. Home games will be where we pick up the majority if not all the three-points, so draws away will also do fine. Confidence off and on the pitch best served with a Spanish omelette of despair, just for reminders.

So, with City away on Sunday, anything must just happen. I'm sure it will be a goal-fest. They will no doubt attack attack attack and regardless of their poor form generally over the past few games, they might accept a Gomes flap or two. And as for us, we'll be up for it. This is still the potential banana skin, IMO.

Prediction: 2-2

Challenge Spurs™ - The Return of Robbie Keane

Game 03 v (H) Liverpool
Total points: 6
Position: Still 20th
3 points from safety

Should be a cracker. I hope. Liverpool top, us lot bottom. Liverpool unbeaten in 17, us unbeaten in 2. Won't be crying if we lose, as long as the progression continues. Another tasty first half performance followed by an even tastier second half will do just fine, and another point will have an extension on the time I'll be keeping the smile on my face.

Modric, may he continue his free-role swagger. And may resident schizophrenic Jenas 'smash them up'. We might even see another cameo from Ledley.

Looking forward to this. And seeing Robbie Keane again. Although best he doesn't get on the score sheet this weekend. I'm going to the match dressed up like a leprechaun with JUDAS printed on the back of the costume.

THIS IS WAR.

2-2, is my prediction. 4 points thus far from a possible 6 in the Dirty Dozen series. Not out of the woods just yet, but looking a bit alright at the minute.

Challenge Spurs™ - The NLD

Game 02 v (A) Arsenal
Total points: 5
Position: Still 20th
4 points from safety

Game 2 is nearly upon us. Would love for us to compete in this game but I reckon it's come a little too soon to make an impact at the Emirates. An Arsenal off day might see us pinch a point, but I don't think many expect us to come away with anything more. Arsenal might hammer us. Or they might under-preform (like they've done a number of times recently) but considering the 5-1 is still fresh in the memories of the home support (don't lie to yourselves, it hurt) we might have to park a couple of buses in preparation.

This is where Harry needs to earn his wages. The players don't need reminding how important this game is. And what do we have to lose? Ok, three points, three valuably much needed points - but no one expects us to grab them in this game or Saturdays encounter with Liverpool. So, the players should go for it. Stick two upfront, let Modric roam and maybe slap Gomes around pre-match and instruct him to direct his high risk wrestling moves on the Arsenal forward line and not poor floppy haired Corluka.

Having said all this, form usually doesn't count in these games, but we rarely get anything out of them. Another cute wink from the footballing Gods would do us just fine. I'll be happy with a point.

How to lose games and alienate your fans

THE BIGGEST GAME IN OUR HISTORY™ : The Final Chapter
Spurs v Bolton, 3pm kick-off, Sunday 26th.

You know, we always called each other Yids. Like you said to, uh, somebody: You're gonna like this guy. He's all right. He's a Yiddo. He's one of us: You understand? We were Tottenham fans. Lilywhites. But Jimmy and I could never sit in the West Stand because we we didn't drive Mercs. It didn't even matter if you didn't own an Opus. To become a member of the Park Lane crew you've got to be one hundred per cent Spurs so they can trace all your relatives back to the old days in the 1960's. See, it's the highest honour they can give you. It means you belong to a family and crew. It means that nobody can fuck around with you. It also means you could fuck around with anybody just as long as the old bill and stewards wasn't watching. It's like a license to chant. It's a license to do anything. As far as Jimmy was concerned with Tommy being ITK, it was like we were all ITK. We would now have one of our own up a tree at the Lodge

~ Yidfellows, 1961 - 2008

This is it people. End of days. The last hooray. Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. Charlton Heston thumping the sand at the end of Planet of the Apes. Rocky losing out to Creed. Steve McQueen not quite making the motorcycle jump over the border.

We are gush, make no mistake about it. And there's not a whiff of a blockbuster performance in sight.

We are doing just about enough in each game to lose. We haven't been overwhelmed or battered by anyone yet. We just turn up, go one goal down, and quietly die on the pitch while the opposition, usually not that much better than us, more so plucky, get their heads in front and comfortably hold on to win.

Grit

We've heard it all now. From players and management. All the soundbites and ill-fated battle cries. Players, formations, tactics, substitutions. There is nothing left in the way of 'that one last chance'. Our past 3 or 4 games in the Prem have been 'must wins'. The game that will change our form and kick-start our season. And each one has ended in defeat. We've done more side-stepping than Vinny Samways.

We haven't got any worse over the past few weeks, in fact arguably we've improved. But that improvement is fairly invisible to the human eye, thanks to the fact that the results have remained the same. What we've managed to add to this cauldron of crap is red cards. We're not just pressing down on the self-destruct button, we are head-butting it.

It's impossible to know if the players are shit because the manager has lost all respect, or if the players are shit regardless or if the manager is shit or if the squad is so disjointed due to lost players and ineffective signings that nobody quite knows what the fuck is going on. Or all of the above.

Passion

Blame Ramos. Blame Comolli. Blame Levy. Blame Jenas. It doesn't matter any more who is at fault. What matters now is who will take responsibility and get us out of this mess. And the eleven players who represent us should be the ones because regardless of management and pre-match talk, it's the 90 minutes on the pitch that count. There is no lower ebb. We are there already. And it's do or die time. Because every defeat going forwards brings us closer to Championship football.

Luck (the good type) is also non-existent, and all mathematical omens are more ominous than the Grim Reaper taking a seat next to you at a doctors appointment.

Sunday is no longer about measured tactical ploys or 4-5-1. Sunday has be a Cup final (only one we'll get this season). Sunday has to be about setting the precedence for every game after that with regards to performance. Performance equating to: Fight, urgency, spirit, desire, guts, passion, belief and pride.

Go one down? Heads up, chests out, fucking well go for the jugular and claw/scratch/kick/bite your way back into the game. Go one up? Then push for a second with all your sodding might. Start to believe, regain that swagger and that confidence. Because even without Berbatov and Keane and a true DM - we still have players of quality. Enough of them to get us above Newcastle, Stoke, Fulham, Everton at the very least.

A win, 3 points, is not the fucking Holy Grail! Dry those fucking eyes, get a grip and win the sodding game. Getting smacked around by third-rate teams like we're a crack whore begging for a hit from her weasel pimp is FUCKING PATHETIC.

We are down to basics. Every time we have prayed that our players would take the game by the scruff (Wigan, Hull, Stoke etc) we have failed miserably. Its now do or die.

Leadership

Over-dramatic? If I was drunk on rum I might suggest that losing to Bolton won't be the end, because Ramos would walk/be sacked and the new coach might galvanise the side to such an extent that the same bunch of players start to perform minor miracles. But that's pretty unlikely based on the fact that this dire form has been a year in the making. But then, that's what we are all hoping a win against Bolton will do. Galvanise. Because we have no choice now due to the maths and our position and the upcoming fixtures. With or without Ramos, we have to start winning.

So all that's left is for the home fans to sing till their mouths bleed and for the team out on the pitch to remember who they are and reclaim some self-respect and respect for the club and its fans and its history.

Otherwise, I'd suggest we sack the lot of them, run an X-Factor style competition to find out who the most athletic 20 Spurs fans are, and then stick them in the Lilywhite shirt. Because determination wise, they will run till their lungs collapse. And at least win/lose/draw - we can say we we're proud of the effort.

For one last time, it's over to you.....Gomes, Hutton, Woodgate, King, Gunter, Corluka, Gilberto, O'Hara, Zokora, Jenas, Lennon, Bentley, Modric, Gio, Bent, Campbell, Pavlyuchenko....

Bolton Wanderers..... go home and get your fuckin' shinebox.

UEFA Cup preview

I have no preview. I'm more concerned about Sundays game against Bolton - the first of the Dirty Dozen matches in the Challenge Spurs series.

Can't tell you what type of form Udinese are in or who their danger players are. The fact this is away from home, and considering our last away day in Europe (1-1 bore draw) I'm not intending to watch this (hardcore, I am). Prefer instead to settle down in front of the tv and watch a few episodes of Entourage. Vincent Chase will never let me down in the entertainment stakes. Jermaine Jenas will.

Anyone who will be tuning into the Spurs game, drink alcohol in abundance to help you get through the experience.