English Football Chief Claims “Pro Evo Better than FIFA”

With the World Cup draw fiasco still rumbling on, FA Chief Executive Ian Watmore has today admitted that he supports the plan for England to break away from FIFA and make a bid to host the 2018 Pro Evo World Cup.

Speaking from his Wembley office, Watmore said, “I’ve always been a big fan of FIFA but this year they’ve really lost it. The goal posts keep moving, there are far too many obvious glitches and most of the files are corrupt. For 2018 we will be boycotting the FIFA tournament completely and are in the process of submitting our bid to Pro Evo.”

Frank Lowy, Australia 2022’s bid chief also added his support, “A Pro Evo World Cup might not be as realistic or look as good but it would be a lot more fun and, unlike the last world cup, a lot easier for teams to score.”

One major stumbling block could be FIFA’s rights to all the team and players names. However, FA chiefs have already set the wheels in motion to avoid potential copyright lawsuits.

England will change their name with immediate effect to ‘South East Britain’ and all players will have to swap out at least two consonants and a vowel from their surnames.

England wing wizard Theo Pilcort commented, “Obviously it’s been hard having to change our names. We’ve all had to have a good look on google to find out what a consonant was for a start. But I think this a good move and all the lads are looking forward to testing ourselves against the top teams in world football like Rhineland,  Amazon Forest and (last year’s winners) Greater Iberia.”

Skipper Rio Turdigland added on Twitter, “@rioturdy5 nuff respect to da FA on dis one tweeps. Pro Evo is baaaaare better than FIFA lmfao.”

When asked what he made of England’s decision, FIFA president Sepp Blatter clasped his hands over his ears and declared, “laaaaaa laa laaaaa laaaaa laaaaaaaaaaaaaa I can’t hear you laaaa laa laaaaa.”



by guest blogger Fox Mulder.

Fergie's Grudge - Why he keeps trying to nick our best players

There's a bit of noise about the place regarding Luka Modric as a potential transfer target for 'Yoonited.' Most of us can laugh this off as a bit of slow news day, pre-World Cup nonsense, but then we've been here before haven't we? Harry's been swift to nip it in the bud this time, although there are some that can't help asking why he would bother making a statement on something that is supposedly untrue. I guess the only way to kill the story is to get the chequebook and the specially engraved contract-signing pen and give the boy a bit of a raise. Just ask Gareth Bale.
 
But why is it always Fergie that comes batting his eyelids at our prize assets every year? Sheringham, Berbatov and Carrick succumbed to his wily charm just as we were starting to build a team around them, and we were a much weaker side for it. Yes the lure of playing for the self-appointed 'greatest team in the world' must be quite exciting for any professional. As is the chance to clock up a few medals to show the grandkids. But you rarely hear of Chelsea or Liverpool doing the same. At least with not such brazen consistency.
 
Well I think I've found the answer. Today I was ambling through youtube electronically jizzing my pants at various video compilations of our most recent season when I came across (figuratively, not electronically) an interview with 'Ol Red Nose talking about the talented Mr. Gascoigne. Besides being quite an interesting interview, if you watch to the end you might finally understand why Surralex is hell-bent on signing any decent player we manage to get hold of.

What a sad, bitter old man he is.

by guest-blogger Fox Mulder

GUDJOHNSEN IN CHELSEA CELEBRATION SHOCKER

By A. Gooner. The Daily Stank - 4th May 2010
 
Tottenham Hotspur fans around the country were today left 'reeling' after astonishing pictures emerged of Icelandic loan striker Eidur Gudjohnsen celebrating Chelsea's win against Liverpool with Frank Lampard and other Blues stars.

The images, absolutely certain to anger boss Harry Redknapp, show the former Chelsea player taking part in a number of damning activities including:
 

• Talking to Chelsea players in the bar
• Smiling as they recounted old title winning times together
• Guzzling a glass of Diet Coke with lemon
• Scoffing expensive bar snacks

 
One on-looker said, "I was just sitting in the bar innocently calling Frank Lampard a fat **** when I saw Eidur join the party. I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw him with former friends congratulating them on their victory. These Premier League footballers really have no sense of shame. I took a picture on my phone to show my wife after she came out of the toilets with John Terry."
 
At one stage the party got rowdy as the players started playing their favourite drinking game: "Guess the former Chelsea player" where each person takes it in turn to do an impression of one of their old team mates. Eidur's skit of notorious coke fiend Mark Bosnich (pictured) was particularly popular.
 
Rabbi David Schmutter, chairman of the Tottenham Hotspur Popular Front said, "Oi vay! Why is he spending time with Chelsea players when he could be hanging out with fun-loving Spurs players like Benoit Assou-Ekotto."
 
The story is nailed-on-I-kid-thee-not bound to disrupt Spurs' preparations ahead of their massive game on Wednesday night against Manchester Arab Emirates.

(At least we hope it will)

by guest-blogger Fox Mulder.

Casualty

By guest-blogger Fox Mulder.

The corridor doors fly open and a young man is wheeled at speed towards surgery. The bed comes to a rest in a room where a medical team is sitting at a screen.

NURSE: Doctor, this man is seriously injured. He’s suffered lacerations to both his legs, severing a main artery. He has severe concussion and has lost all feeling in his limbs....

DOCTOR ONE: No put Messi at right midfield and get him to cut inside with his runs.

NURSE: His blood pressure has dropped to dangerously low levels and seems to have suffered an asthma attack. He’s conscious but barely. He needs immediate surgery.

DOCTOR TWO: But I played him up front in the last game and he got a hat-trick against Real in the cup. I think I should move Iniesta out there instead.

NURSE: Doctor’s PLEASE this man is going to die unless you do something now.

DOCTOR ONE: Oh for Christ’s sake. Ok let’s have a look at him then.

Both doctors saunter over to the dying man, blood is oozing through the sheets that cover him.

DOCTOR ONE: Hmmmm doesn’t look too serious to me. Nurse get some plasters on that wound on his leg and run a wet sponge over his head. That should cure the concussion, which to be honest I think he’s making a meal out of.

DOCTOR TWO: Yes yes this really is a big fuss over nothing. That bone’s not broken, there’s just a slight tear in the muscle. Nothing to worry about really. He’ll be right as rain in a few days. He should be running about happy as Larry within the week and back at work in no time.

NURSE: But THIS MAN IS DYING!!! Look I’m going to call a specialist to come and have a look at him.

DOCTOR TWO: YES! 1-0 Messi. I told you putting him up front was a stroke of genius. Forrrrzzzzaaaa Barcaaaaa!

DOCTOR ONE: Look there’s really no need for a specialist. We know perfectly well what we’re doing

Starts to prod the patient with various implements.

NURSE: For Christ’s sake this man is in hideous pain. You can’t just patch him up and send him on his way. He’ll die.

DOCTOR ONE: Ok maybe you’re right. Doctor Stevens can you grab some aspirin from my drawer over there. Oh and a Centrum Vitamin tablet STAT!

Doctor Two passes the pills to Doctor One who forces them into the man’s mouth...There is silence for a few seconds, broken only by the beep beep of the Heart Rate Monitor.

HEART RATE MONITOR: BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP

NURSE: Oh my god he’s flatlining. You need to DO SOMETHING PLEASE!

DOCTOR ONE: Erm ok maybe we should call the specialist.

DOCTOR TWO: Good plan. He might be able to find what’s wrong because I really can’t see it myself. Besides we’ve got to get over to Spurs Lodge now anyway. Harry doesn’t like it when we’re late and I hear Aaron’s got a bit of tightness in his groin area.

DOCTOR ONE: Groin area? Ah don’t worry I’ll Wikipedia it on my iphone in the car.

Nurse leaves the room and glances at TV in A&E waiting room. Sky Sports News is playing. The headline running on the yellow-ticker at the bottom of the screen reads:

Defoe is 8^th Tottenham first team player out through injury. Spurs to struggle to finish 4^th. LOL

il Potenziale

by guest-blogger Fox Mulder

According to the Sunday Mirror yesterday, one Jermaine Jenas has begun taking Italian lessons to prepare for a move to Inter Milan in the Summer. The papers really don't want to let this one lie and for anyone who has witnessed the man himself this season it is nothing short of baffling. 

Look at the two parties - Inter Milan are one of the most decorated teams in Italian football and have won Serie A the last three seasons on the spin. Jermaine Jenas has a Carling Cup medal and won the Soccer AM crossbar challenge.

Reading this story again I considered several options:

1. This whole story is one of those big media 'in-jokes' perpetuated by cheeky Arsenal and Chelsea supporting journalists. The scoundrels.

2. It's true and Jose Mourinho is such a genius he can see something in the player that a good majority of Spurs fans can not.

3. It's true and Jose Mourinho's malevolent ego has become so powerful that it has seized control of his conscious mind and is seeking to destroy him.

4. The story is completely made up - just putting it out there guys...

The man they call JJ has polarised more opinions at White Hart Lane than I've had false dawns and I don't intend to defend or attack him here. Sometimes he's great and sometimes he's awful, a couple of screamers against Arsenal prolonging the fading hope that there is a world class player in that slim, chiselled frame just bursting to get out. In fact, much like a few of our players (Hudd, Pav, Crouch) you can even be found arguing with yourself on a game by game and sometimes minute by minute basis. "He's got a good engine, but he's too soft. He can beat players in the midfield, but he's a confidence player. He's good at set pieces. he's shit at set pieces. This game needs Jenas. For God's sake sub him off." He's like Yin and Yang, it is in his essence to be simultaenously both shite and brilliant, caught in a delicate and timeless footballing paradox. By the time I've finished the 10 minute, post-match walk to my car I'm practically a quivering, schitzophrenic wreck.

But let's say he packed his designer luggage and headed for Milan. How would our boy fair in a city that is known for fashion, food and football? What impact would he have on fans who have seen their midfield strings pulled by some of the true greats of the game?

The last English midfielder that wore the nerazzuri shirt was Paul Ince, and he is till fondly remembered in Inter folklore. After a slow start, his tough tackling, whole hearted displays coupled with a good range of passing a vicious shot were a revelation at the San Siro. His sheer enthusiasm and toughness made him exactly what the Inter fans expected when they signed an English midfield general. 

So far not so good then for JJ.

But of course there already is an English midfielder playing in Milan. One who is known more for his creativity than his brutality. He's not got the legs anymore but he can put a set piece where it's meant to be. And Italians bloody love a set piece. Mr Beckham is a world star playing for Inter's fiercest rivals. Jenas would be only the 2nd Englishman currently playing in Italy, in the same city and the same stadium no less. Comparisons would instantly be drawn and I'm struggling to remember many goals scored from an expertly delivered Jenas dead ball.

2-0 to the doubters then.

However, the Italian league is less physical, more tactical and players get a lot more time on the ball. Compared to many opponents in Serie A, Jenas would probably look like he has the work rate of Wayne Rooney. He's also actually pretty bright. Word from the Lodge is that he's one of, if not THE most intellectual of our current flock. Any time there is an education initiative he's front of the queue. That's not saying much though as he's probably the only one that can even spell queue, or his name for that matter.

I for one think more English players should get out there and play abroad. We have the so-called best league in the world but foreign clubs rarely try to buy our English players. He is still young enough to develop his game to perhaps even make a decent shout for England at Euro 2012. He could be an absolute revelation and having Mourinho there would be a massive advantage for him.

He may finally find fans that really love him. He may even get his first ever proper chant - less hilarious things rhyme with Jenas in Italian than they do in English.

Love or loathe him, I'd say it's pretty universally accepted that Jermaine is not going to push on a level at Spurs, and we won't up our level with him in the team.

If he does move then I wish him the best of luck. He may not have set our world alight but he's played under about 50 managers, never moaned to the press to force a transfer and yes, he did score some blinders against the goons. 

Europeans love to give their players little nicknames. In Italy Jenas would be il potenziale - the potential. If he joins Inter this Summer I'd love to see him finally realise it.