Casualty
Friday, March 19, 2010 at 9:46PM By guest-blogger Fox Mulder.
The corridor doors fly open and a young man is wheeled at speed towards surgery. The bed comes to a rest in a room where a medical team is sitting at a screen.
NURSE: Doctor, this man is seriously injured. He’s suffered lacerations to both his legs, severing a main artery. He has severe concussion and has lost all feeling in his limbs....
DOCTOR ONE: No put Messi at right midfield and get him to cut inside with his runs.
NURSE: His blood pressure has dropped to dangerously low levels and seems to have suffered an asthma attack. He’s conscious but barely. He needs immediate surgery.
DOCTOR TWO: But I played him up front in the last game and he got a hat-trick against Real in the cup. I think I should move Iniesta out there instead.
NURSE: Doctor’s PLEASE this man is going to die unless you do something now.
DOCTOR ONE: Oh for Christ’s sake. Ok let’s have a look at him then.
Both doctors saunter over to the dying man, blood is oozing through the sheets that cover him.
DOCTOR ONE: Hmmmm doesn’t look too serious to me. Nurse get some plasters on that wound on his leg and run a wet sponge over his head. That should cure the concussion, which to be honest I think he’s making a meal out of.
DOCTOR TWO: Yes yes this really is a big fuss over nothing. That bone’s not broken, there’s just a slight tear in the muscle. Nothing to worry about really. He’ll be right as rain in a few days. He should be running about happy as Larry within the week and back at work in no time.
NURSE: But THIS MAN IS DYING!!! Look I’m going to call a specialist to come and have a look at him.
DOCTOR TWO: YES! 1-0 Messi. I told you putting him up front was a stroke of genius. Forrrrzzzzaaaa Barcaaaaa!
DOCTOR ONE: Look there’s really no need for a specialist. We know perfectly well what we’re doing
Starts to prod the patient with various implements.
NURSE: For Christ’s sake this man is in hideous pain. You can’t just patch him up and send him on his way. He’ll die.
DOCTOR ONE: Ok maybe you’re right. Doctor Stevens can you grab some aspirin from my drawer over there. Oh and a Centrum Vitamin tablet STAT!
Doctor Two passes the pills to Doctor One who forces them into the man’s mouth...There is silence for a few seconds, broken only by the beep beep of the Heart Rate Monitor.
HEART RATE MONITOR: BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP
NURSE: Oh my god he’s flatlining. You need to DO SOMETHING PLEASE!
DOCTOR ONE: Erm ok maybe we should call the specialist.
DOCTOR TWO: Good plan. He might be able to find what’s wrong because I really can’t see it myself. Besides we’ve got to get over to Spurs Lodge now anyway. Harry doesn’t like it when we’re late and I hear Aaron’s got a bit of tightness in his groin area.
DOCTOR ONE: Groin area? Ah don’t worry I’ll Wikipedia it on my iphone in the car.
Nurse leaves the room and glances at TV in A&E waiting room. Sky Sports News is playing. The headline running on the yellow-ticker at the bottom of the screen reads:
Defoe is 8th Tottenham first team player out through injury. Spurs to struggle to finish 4th. LOL
Reader Comments (25)
Brilliant
Ace, made me chuckle. C O Y S.
I'm laughing when I should be crying. Shame on you. Shame on me.
Accurate portrayal of our medical team. I like the way the club have now given up attempting to estimate a return date for injured players after being way off with Woodgate, Modric and Lennon. If you don't know, don't say is the mantra at spurs lodge these days!
Nailed. On.
Not being a sycophant I really have to say I don't get it!
What the heck is going on this season with injuries? Bad luck?
I doubt any of us will be laughing when we see how weak our bench is tomorrow.
Most of the players who are now unavailable as a result of being sent out on loan are better than those we will be able to bring on tomorrow.
We're be fine. Would have opted for Crouch in this one anyways so don't worry. Everything that could go wrong has gone wrong. I've got confidence. Key is the midfield. Modric will star.
Wow, we are down to the bare bones. After our first team is sent out tomorrow, apart Gudjohnson, who else will be on the bench that can be considered a 1st team player? Here is our definite first eleven:
Gomes
Corluka * Daws * Bassong * BAE
Kran * Wilson * Modd * Bale
Pav * Crouch
Maybe 'Arry should look to Pompey again for salvation since Pompey needs to sell right now to survive.
LOL.. Sums up our medical staff!!
Well put F Mulder we could make a series out of our injury's come to think of it we have casualty, its filmed at the lodge .Harry is Perfect for Hospital Administrator they have no medical background either W e must be the laughing stock of the premiership our main bragging rights was we have the best Squad of players in the league and now one of the weakest . This is where a manager earns is money like Moyes bring in some of the kids with the element of surprise it could be our trump card just look who scored against Utd Gosling and Rodwell. We need to rest Palacios for the Fulham game this would be my Team for Stoke Launchers . Gomes Corluka Bassong Dawson Ekotto Kranjcar Kaboul Moderic Gudjohnson Bale Pavlyuchenko subs Alnwick Kane Fredericks Townsend Crouch Dervite Livermore. Second Half crouch for Ekotto and move Bale left back jobs a good one 3-1 ohyyyyyyyeeeeees
It's never a good time to get injuries but we are dropping like flies! Kyle Walker fractured his wrist in the week and Danny Rose has damaged his knee ligaments! So that is two more to the list. Bentley has also got a virus.
We really are short of cover now. What luck!!!
It's going to be a hard game today, I would take a point now to be honest, anything more than that would be great and would get us closer to that magical points tally. Stoke City are so dangerous at home though and we will have to be "at it" all over the park to get a result, especially in defence. I hope there aren't any towels left for Delap to dry the ball...this game might have to be viewed from behind the sofa.
Lets hope Pav and Bale shine once more! COYS>
WHY THE FUCK IS KABOUL PLAYING AHEAD OF PALACIOS IN MIDFIELD???????
WTF IS THE MANAGER DOING???????
kaboul is cup tied, and I guess arry could not risk both wilson and kaboul missing for the cup match. What with wilson on 8 cards.
Great result, our squad is on its last leg and we pulled out a win up there....tremendous stuff. Such a shame about pav, I hope its not too bad.
On another note, does anyone know how many times we have played stoke up there in the past 25 years? The skysports twats keep saying its our first win up there in 25 years, but I can't remember playing up there too often over the years. They are such a bunch of anti spurs pricks. I can't wait to see hansens and that gargoyle lawros faces tonight what with us pushing away from her royal highness........liverpool.
Great day, 13 more points required as asked for by Arry the other week.
COYS.
He's Winning!
COYS!
I think weve only played them twice in those 25 years. Previous time before featured Crooks !
Magnificent result from the lads today and EGs opener was fantastic. The power, agression, and determination he showed was exactly what we needed in vital game away to Stoke.
Harry Redknapp's Blue + White Army !!!
Hanson + Lawrenson = 1 partially functioning brain cell.
But hey, fuck 'em.
COYS!
Great result. Not the best performance but on the whole, a deserved win. What the heck were Corluka and Assou-Ekketto thinking? Yes, the Kaboul move was a risk but one that needed to be taken for yellow card/cup tie angle and Kaboul did well enough, I think. I really hope that Huddlestone, Lennon, Defoe are back for our run against Man U, Chelsea, and Arsenal. We haven't seen the best that this club can be because of injuries. Forget Woodgate and King as I doubt we can really ever count on them again. I want to see Corkluka, Dawson, Bassong, Bale across the back and Modric, Huddlestone, Palacios, Lennon with Defoe and Pav up front. Modric dinking in from the left allowing Bale to overlap while Lennon terrorizing the right. Absolutely mouth watering. Also, it's nice to know that when we play Pompey in the league (and possibly in the cup semi), they'll be short their best player in O'Hara. Having EG come on and do the job was nice to see.
I really hope Fulham and Man City have a brutal end to end action tie that leaves them both gasping for air and with City no points to show for it. Fulham coming off that stonking mid week win over Juventus followed by a tough game at home to Man City should be flat on their feet by the time they get to the lane mid week. Fingers crossed. Villa is fading and Man U could drive the knife through Liverpool tonight, 4 pts behind us and we'd have the game in hand? Liverpool better hope that we get through Fulham and Pompey to make the FA cup final so that 7th place gets Europa league at a minimum. Given the financial problems Liverpool, a drop out of Europe all together will definitely bring the end to Torres time and I'd think Gerrard would be in play as well. What a mess it would be for them.
as I mentioned earlier, what a pair of absolute spanners.
Lineker: so spurs looking good for 4th, what you think lawro?
Lawro(looks like a troll): no, def not.
Lineker: what you think hansen?
Hansen(looks like a cu-t): no, you can always rely on tottenham to let you down.
How are these pair of pricks allowed to comment on national tv. Spooky, next time you go stalking mr levy outside his house, I am coming along for the ride, but we will need to make 2 important stops on the way so I can't shoot them 2 pricks in the face!
Well done spurs, keep going. COYS.
Any credit now due for Harry?
Someone asked me what is the point of gudjonnsen last week, I said he was a taller stronger version of Robbie Keane, takes up similar positions to our Rob, but with greater strength and power. Thanks Eider for showing exactly that in one move in the game.
Additionally, one well done to MOTD, showing how a tactical ploy dealt effectively with the long of delap (well long throw at least).
And Kaboul in the middle, not pretty but effective and prevents Wilson missing weds vital (tm)(pending) game.
So is there any credit due for Harry? Nah, because he's not popular, that's just the way it is, innit.
Or maybe one his 'football consultants' came up with the ideas............
Never mind Gudjonnsen Tricky.
Even if we won the title there are some posters who would still slate our manager
I think it gives them a sense of importance to be a critic.
So after Villa drew at Wolves (nice) and Liverpool lost to United (handy), bastard Man City went and won away today at Fulham. Hodgeson's men were a limp wristed second all afternoon, putting Man City immediately behind us in 5th; 2 points fewer than Spurs but with a game in hand to leapfrog us should they win that game. Hopefully Everton might do us a favour mid week when the two of them get intimate, though I fear this is an altogether unlikely thought- "nothing left to play for" Moyes will probabaly underperform away to "hard at it" Mancini.
If it hadn't been for Man City's win, it would have been the perfect wknd round up of premiership games. All the other teams around us dropped points. 4th looks more and more ours. It's so close I can all but taste it, but as those injuries mount up and the gap between City and Spurs lessons, I fear that taste becoming a choke.
COYS, please, please, please pleasepleasepleaseplease.