English Football Chief Claims “Pro Evo Better than FIFA”

With the World Cup draw fiasco still rumbling on, FA Chief Executive Ian Watmore has today admitted that he supports the plan for England to break away from FIFA and make a bid to host the 2018 Pro Evo World Cup.

Speaking from his Wembley office, Watmore said, “I’ve always been a big fan of FIFA but this year they’ve really lost it. The goal posts keep moving, there are far too many obvious glitches and most of the files are corrupt. For 2018 we will be boycotting the FIFA tournament completely and are in the process of submitting our bid to Pro Evo.”

Frank Lowy, Australia 2022’s bid chief also added his support, “A Pro Evo World Cup might not be as realistic or look as good but it would be a lot more fun and, unlike the last world cup, a lot easier for teams to score.”

One major stumbling block could be FIFA’s rights to all the team and players names. However, FA chiefs have already set the wheels in motion to avoid potential copyright lawsuits.

England will change their name with immediate effect to ‘South East Britain’ and all players will have to swap out at least two consonants and a vowel from their surnames.

England wing wizard Theo Pilcort commented, “Obviously it’s been hard having to change our names. We’ve all had to have a good look on google to find out what a consonant was for a start. But I think this a good move and all the lads are looking forward to testing ourselves against the top teams in world football like Rhineland,  Amazon Forest and (last year’s winners) Greater Iberia.”

Skipper Rio Turdigland added on Twitter, “@rioturdy5 nuff respect to da FA on dis one tweeps. Pro Evo is baaaaare better than FIFA lmfao.”

When asked what he made of England’s decision, FIFA president Sepp Blatter clasped his hands over his ears and declared, “laaaaaa laa laaaaa laaaaa laaaaaaaaaaaaaa I can’t hear you laaaa laa laaaaa.”



by guest blogger Fox Mulder.

The World Cup is a load of balls

The World Cup hasn't exactly been great. One or two half-memorable games, a couple of stonking goals, but it's not going to look amazing in around 10-20 years time when we look back on it. At least at the time of writing.

It would be rather comforting to blame Blatter and his obsession with having to change something fundamental about the game in the lead up to the biggest, grandest footballing tournament of them all. Every single sodding time. The Jambulani is without doubt his crowning moment of lunacy. Not that I'm completely blaming the ball for the lack of the sexy football. Although it doesn't help when half of the players out in SA struggle to weight the ball when attempting to thread it. It's got more bounce than a kangaroo on a trampoline.

But then again, many are not struggling to get to grips with it, so you can discuss and argue amongst yourselves if its down to individual ability to adapt to FIFA's Blatterisms. Nobody is really truly complaining about it any more, then again, the various football associations have probably been instructed by FIFA to make sure the correct directive is followed and nobody mentions 'the ball'. It's not the ball. What ball?

The reality is nobody can do a thing about it and it hasn't stopped some teams from smashing up other teams by making sure the only bouncing the Jambulani does is in the back of the net.

Might be wrong with this*, but the FA rejected using the Jambulani because of their contract with Nike. You'd think knowing its going to be used at the WC (the likes of Germany were using it in the Bundesliga), we'd do our best to do anything to get the players in the best condition possible, and that would have involved using the new ball in the lead up to it. But God forbid we put football ahead of money.

*If I am, let me know.

Regardless, of this, we still have the issue of the quality of football played and it's lack of tempo and excitement. Is it because there is no longer a massive gap between the nations once considered giants and the ones seen as being weak? Players cancelling each other out? Defending deep, avoiding risk? Is it now more important not to lose than it is to win? Are the super-star players scared somehow or just not as bothered, maybe even arrogant to a degree? Or are the alleged 'weak' the ones that no longer lose the game before the national anthems are finished. No more fear for the supposed giants.

It's one thing the lesser sides sitting back and defending with all their might, but if you have quality in abundance, surely you should be doing your utmost to display it? I guess we can all be sucked into believing the hype. No matter our nationality.

You could also argue about TV rights and how it controls football. Too much money in the game. Too much money for players who don't need to be anywhere near world-class to be earning untold thousands per week. No winter break in England. Tired legs. But then that's all just bollocks. Hasn't stopped one or two non-English Prem based players from impressing in SA. And some of the best players in the world, as rich as they are, continue to display unparalleled commitment to the cause - wanting and needing to impress and win.

All of the above has been carefully coated with a touch of glossy knee-jerk. The WC might just about be ready to explode with the Q-F's and the only negative thing we might remember about 2010 is when the Germans humiliated the English. Negative for some, funny for the rest.

As for England. Fabio - in the space of two games (USA and Algeria) went from having unconditional support from the red tops to apparently being tactically inept. Although the press appear to have ever so slightly backed off now (probably because the FA and Capello will not be parting any time soon) and decided that the majority of the blame should sit with the players. Specifically; Ashley Cole, Ledley King, Aaron Lennon for their lack of respect post-exit. Hmm. Let's also all forget about the truly guilty ones out on the pitch. You know, the darling buds of May. It's black and white to me.

So what of the players?

We failed in 2006, we didn't even qualify for the European Championships in 2008 and we were woeful in 2010. More or less the same group of players, with a few changes here and there. There's a pattern, I can't quite put my finger on it. Golden generation, you say?

Modern day footballers, English ones, appear to lack that edge, that drive we've seen in the past. At least when playing with 3 Lions on their shirt. This current batch appeared to have little desire to win. To want to play for their country. Whether there is any truth in the stories of a fragmented camp or not, well, I guess if there were battles between egos then that just about sums it up. Vanity before country.

Could you imagine this ever occurring in the distant past? Where is the sacrifice? Where is the honour? There is no collective. Just individuals. Football will eat itself.

Roy Keane said our so called backbone (apart from possibly two) have had distinctively average seasons. And the player we hoped would lead us to glory (Rooney, one of the two, Milner the other) has so far failed to be overly convincing on the big stage. But still, we believe. It's what we do as supporters. And it's what the media do, with their building up to knock 'em down ethics. How dare you failed, we said you wouldn't!

And when they (the players) don't quite believe in it all, then there's no great shock when they go home early. Hence the cigar smoking and beers. We are no longer wired up in the right way. Therefore, no great need to look absolutely devastated when departing the competition early. At the moment playing for country is no longer as important than playing for club. So perhaps we should be placing an equal amount of effort in supporting these players who are meant to be representing us as they do failing to represent us when playing. They appeared to be content, happy it was all over. The truth will out, maybe.

An attitude adjustment is required. That and perhaps the acknowledgement that we should play to our strengths. Honestly, Fabio, our players don't get anything other than 100% full blooded 1000mph football. We'll know when we've got our England back when we can visibly see the intensity in the players eyes and in their application on the pitch.

With regards to Harry Redknapp telling all he would accept the England job if offered it, don't fret (from a Spurs perspective). England is England and I see no harm with him saying what he said. Mainly because in no uncertain terms he knows he will never be offered the job. Sells a few papers does Harry.

Feel free to knee-jerk with me.

Roll on the Euros.

One flew out of the cuckoo clock

by guest-blogger Tricky

There is altruism that ‘those who seek power, are those that you would least like to see wield it’. It would seemingly apply, fairly universally to many people in the world, from the lowliest MP and then working up the food chain from thereon in.

As president of FIFA, Sepp Blatter wields power over a sport that is holds and captivates a populous around the globe, as such his influence on people probably puts him only one step behind President Obama (and consequently perhaps a step ahead of Mr Brown).

For his part, Michel Platini (the Brown to Blatter’s Obama status to continue the analogy) appears like a wanton lapdog, trying to help his master in any way possible to avert the need for this ‘evil’ that is technology, by suggesting that it is extra officials is the way forward.

So when it comes to goal line technology what was the reason initially for its dismissal? Well, according to Blatter it ‘took too long to reach a decision’ and was ‘not sufficiently accurate’ having been tested on only a ‘third tier’ league game. As with all megalomaniacs when dismissing something, everything they have stated to oppose an idea is ‘true’, and as such becomes ‘fact’ very quickly.

Now I’d like to raise a point here, the reasons initially given for dismissing it were ‘wrong’ and ‘incorrect’, accordingly Hawkeye innovations (manufacturers of the system that ‘worked’) made an open letter just a gentle hint to nudge the President in the right direction:

It is a fairly lengthy letter but the summary goes as follows:

Dear Mr Blatter,

You are wrong, wrong diddly wrong, wrong, and we can prove it with science. Please don’t ignore us just because we’re nerds,

love and kisses,

the nerds.

So why wasn’t it snatched upon by our beloved press, and reported ahead of other such headline newsworthy items that day as “Rooney stubs toe, but should be OK for world cup next summer” or “Tiger set to appear as Santa for local school, but will stop at three ho’s”?

       Who wants to watch the re-run of the 2005 FA Cup Final?

A cynic of course would point out that, as Hawkeye have a vested interest, they would say what they have, but these guys are nerds who deal in 3-D planes and processing power, their idea of a vested interest goes as far as trying to blag free tickets to the ‘gadget show live’.

But even still, to dismiss a proven technology that works and could assist the game in making crucial decisions, that is wanted by managers and league presidents from all over, by what? Replacing it with extra officials, who between three of them can’t make the correct decision 100% of the time in 90 minutes, and you want to add another two? Surely it is an illogical conclusion to have come to.

On the surface it appears that we have put the inmates in charge of the asylum, which all sounds entertaining and a thoroughly decent watch. Just sit back and watch the nutters make up rules in disbelief, after all it has always been that way so why change it now.

But as football is not the only place where such ridiculous conclusions exist the question needs to be asked: Does it really matter?

It is at this point I’d like to, just fleetingly mention Pedro Mendes, now for some he was a solid footballers who unfortunately was playing second fiddle to a certain Mr Carrick (who’s own story is now well documented), but he was too good to be a bench warmer and so he departed, and when Carrick followed he was possibly one of those we ‘wish we hadn’t sold’.

However given the pre-amble, I very much doubt that any of you are, by now, thinking of anything other than ‘the goal that never was’.  Well, I’m afraid we don’t have the trademark on it though, as any Birmingham fan will tell you amongst others, but it is perhaps the most often cited example of where goal line technology would have assisted.

And this perhaps is the point, history will recall that the game in question finished 0-0, time will pass and that is it.

The fans will however remember the actual physical pain for every single replay like another nail pinned to a ‘Voodoo Jol’ (tm) with the curse ‘thou shall not win against a top 4 club’ repeated over and over. Stunning us, mesmerising us, each time pleading with the linesman that ‘this time’ he might get it right. It was a point of discussion then and five years latter it still is today.

And it is not an isolated incident, as only the other day I was privy to conversation on how ‘Gareth Bale is the best left back since Cyril Knowles’. Now I have to say I have not had the privilege of ever seeing Cyril, but the point is that it is the fans that remember games, and incidents and feelings and emotions. Whereas history does not, it remembers only results, and victories, and increasingly Annual reports.

So does getting the right result matter? It may not make it fairer in some regards, i.e. Dominance in possession for 90 minutes will not automatically lead to the ‘right team’ winning, as per the 2005 FA cup. Some would say that there is so much money tied up in getting the ‘right result’ that it does matter and significantly so.

So maybe Blatter is in fact doing us a favour, by allowing us to banter, and argue and discuss the painful truths of ‘what might have been’. So well done Sepp, you weird megalomaniac chocolate eating cuckoo clock making nutter, for allowing us to talk bollocks rather than having to work all the time.

Right I’m heading off for my fishing trip now, with the rest of the loonies. Anyone care to join me?