Spurs Miscellany

Competition winner for best anecdote/quote goes to Tom Mitchell for this gem:

Christmas 1992 - when I was ten I won a Junior Spurs competition to go to the old Chase Lodge training ground and attend a first team training session. Weeing myself with excitement for days in advance, I was horrified to wake up on the big day to find myself covered in chicken pox and being told by my Mum that I couldn't go. Dad said 'course he's going' and proceeded to wrap me in the biggest coat he could find, along with a Spurs baseball cap and three Spurs scarves carefully placed to cover just about every individual chicken pock on my bonce.

We went along as planned and had a great day - the adrenaline of meeting the players overtook the wretchedly ill feeling I'd been suffering in the morning. I found out that Paul Allen did indeed really have a squeaky voice, it was confirmed that Gary Mabbutt was indeed the nicest man in the world, I had my photo taken with Teddy, Erik Thorstvedt, Nayim, Neil Ruddock, Ray Clemence and loads more, while Dad had a good chat with Vinny Samways about his rather sexy black Shogun that we'd parked next to. At the end of the sesh, a very young Nick Barmby, then one of the hottest properties in the game, came along and took my cap off, rubbed my head and said 'see you again mate, hope you enjoyed the day' and then disappeared.

I still have the newspaper clippings ruling him out of the following match with a sudden case of chicken pox.

Thanks to everyone that got involved. Some proper gems posted and sent in via email.

If you missed all the action, here's the original review for The Spurs Miscellany.

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Reading through the 2012 revised and updated edition of the Spurs Miscellany - newly released this month - I realised something that about the old enemy from down the road (aside from the fact they were called Woolwich and played their football in Plumstead and attempted to merge with Fulham). Before they made their journey to North London, the local residents objected about the prospective move. Yet people turned up for their home matches. That's the same people probably bitching about the move, the same people living in North London, some of which probably frequented White Hart Lane before Highbury.

So the old enemy is not only a football club with nomadic tendencies and no true identity but also one whose new founded fanbase just down the road on the Seven Sisters is made up of turncoats and deserters. The ilk of fan that turns their back on their own. They're fundamentally Tottenham rejects. Their original North London fanbase is made up of football fans that turned their back on their local club and pledged allegiance to one uprooted from elsewhere and dumped in our back yard. That and the fact they are the only club in history not to be promoted on footballing merit. History is what defines you right? Even history that takes you back several decades.

I knew all this already of course. I've read the Spurs Miscellany before. But now the prolific Martin Cloake and Adam Powley have updated their labour of love with new wonderful gems of facts, feats, records, anecdotes, classic matches, quotes, quirky info and trivia along with essential historical timelines that serve to remind all why we are a club bestowed with such rich colourful history. There's also biographical sections on club heroes like Paul Gascoigne, Danny Blanchflower, Steve Perryman, Gary Lineker and Chris Waddle as well as detailed season-by-season records for the geeks that wish to overdose on stats. There's also stories on some of our other famous Lilywhite legends and players you might not know (Walter Tull, Vivian Woodward) but you really should.

There's also a chapter dedicated to Mr Tottenham Hotspur, Bill Nicholson. And yes, Harry Redknapp and Gareth Bale are also included - as cited, it's revised and up to date (to the end of last season with the stats correct up until the start of the 2012/13 season).

The brilliant thing about this book is that you can literally pick it up, turn to any page and either read something you didn't know about Spurs or be reminded about something utterly irreverent yet funny or just down right glorious about our N17 haven. Love the entry on our crest (Badge of honour, page 31) along with our origin story and yes, even though I throw a cheap shot or two at Dial Square their own origins play such a big part in what is surely one of the most bitter rivalries in football (because love them or hate them, our rivalry is about football...rather than politics or religion or class wars). The story of our first ever game against them is also ironically funny.

Look, it's Spurs. You're Spurs. The book is jam-packed with quick-fire brilliance on Spurs. Ossie Ardiles foreword. Get on it.

The Tottenham Miscellany is published by Vision Sports Publishing RRP £9.99

Do you want safe standing at the Lane?

We're all aware of current government regulations on persistent standing at football stadia in England. There is no safe standing areas, none that exist officially. We're always made aware of the potential risk of clubs being punished for it by having sections of their ground shut. However there's always that argument any given supporter could give that at times clubs look the other way, say if its a North London derby. It's rare to be asked to be seated. Passions and nerves run high. So persistent standing is not the health and safety risk some would have you imagine however its also not a safe standing area. You're still standing by your seat. So why should supporters and clubs not discuss the potential for an official area, block where football fans are permitted to stand? At the minute, it's just not legally viable. So what can be done about it?

For starters, keep you're eye on the Football Supporters Federation website. There's also a petition you can sign. They will also keep you apprised of other clubs that are currently pushing for safe standing to happen. This includes other Premier League clubs as well as some from the lower leagues.

The issue still remains with the current government legislation. So what can we do about it?

Early day motion.

What is EDM? An EDM is a form of petition amongst the back-bench MP's (minsters are not allowed to sign them). Their purpose is to raise awareness for any given issue and to demonstrate the level of support for that issue in Westminster. So as Tottenham fans, what can we do?

We need to get every MP in the Tottenham catchment area plus those that represent Tottenham fans living elsewhere to support the EDM. You can use this to locate MP's:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/politics/2432632/UK-General-Election-2010-political-map.html

So we need to get MP's to sign the EDM.

Also, keep your eye on the FSF website for the very latest on this.

We also need to get the club to support the EDM and what it's actually asking for. I've included the actual motion details below, in a nutshell it's to oversee a few pilots for safe standing to see if its feasible in practice. The vital part of this is quite obvious. You (Tottenham supporters) need to let the club know that you back this idea that you can to see safe standing piloted in England and possibly even at Spurs so that we all can see if its something that can work in the Premier League as well as it does in Germany. Even if pilots are not run at White Hart Lane there is surely no harm at all for Tottenham to entertain someone else in piloting safe standing by running a trial so that both Spurs and all other clubs can see if its beneficial or not. There is nothing to lose here. However, we need as many football clubs as possible to just agree that this is something worth looking into.

Below is the early day motion as it stands at the time of writing. I'll be sharing the FSF updates once they're available on their website. Please discuss safe standing here and promote the EDM if you're interested in seeing this progress.

Please share this link - http://www.fsf.org.uk/campaigns/safestanding/index.php - to promote the EDM.

Early day motion 573

INTRODUCTION OF A PILOT OF NEW STANDING TECHNOLOGY IN FOOTBALL STADIA

• Session: 2012-13
• Date tabled: 15.10.2012
• Primary sponsor: Godsiff, Roger
• Sponsors:
  • Hancock, Mike
  • Stringer, Graham

Total number of signatures: 3

Godsiff, Roger	Hancock, Mike	Stringer, Graham

That this House urges the Government to accept the case for introducing, on a trial basis, limited standing areas at grounds of clubs in the Premier League and Championship whose management want to participate in such trials; further urges the Government to recognise there is widespread support for such areas and that improvements in stadium design and technology mean that, with rigorous safety specifications, standing areas can be safely introduced; notes the long-term success of new standing technology in many other European leagues, including the German Bundesliga, the availability of this technology in the UK and plans by the Scottish Premier League to initiate trials; and calls on the Government to amend the Football Spectators Act 1989 by statutory instrument to allow this pilot to take place.

Kick Danny Rose out of football

Serbia FA: "Danny Rose, behaved in inappropriate, unsportsmanlike and vulgar manner towards the supporters"

No matter how many times I read the above statement, I still laugh. How dare Danny Rose be racially abused whilst playing for his country. The kid needs to white up for next time. Maybe then we won't hear any monkey chanting coming from the stands. I know we have our own problems in England with discrimination but the days of bananas being thrown onto the pitch are long gone. That's not to say some elements of racism are more acceptable. Well, unless you throw up the context argument as a defence.

The main crux is that all examples are not brutally dealt with by the authorities. The underlying caveat to it is that this is a social/cultural issue that seems to manifest itself more so at football matches, almost like the stands are indicative of exaggerating a nations ugly side. So why is it acceptable in the minds of the guilty to behave like that? Mob culture? Less likely to be punished than perhaps behaving in the same manner when walking the street? Comes back down to the authorities simply dealing with it by dishing out one punishment rather than checking the wall chart and fining the country/club based on how 'bad' it all was.

The other laughable incident was the actual red card Rose was given for petulance. Because how dare he react to racist chanting. He was quite restrained in his reaction. Yet no further red cards dished out for all the aggression that played out with punches and pushing shared amongst the players and coaches.

Our FA have complained.

“No football team should be asked to play in any environment where racial abuse, violence and threatening behaviour is prevalent. We must question the validity of sending a team to Serbia in the
future. We look forward to UEFA dealing with last night’s events as a matter of urgency.”

And UEFA have grown balls (the size of grapes currently, hopefully to grow to the size of grape fruits).

"Regarding alleged racist chanting, UEFA will instigate proceedings against (Serbia) over the misconduct of their supporters. Proceedings will also be instigated against (Serbia) for the improper conduct of the Serbia players at the end of the game. UEFA will also commence proceedings against the FA for the improper conduct of the England players at the end of the match"

Fining is not an acceptable conclusion to this. Although pretty much nothing can be done to alter the way some people think, football itself can take a handle on how these same people are dealt with at football stadia. Let them play in empty stadiums for five years. Or ban them from the next three major competitions.

Enough with the slapped wrists. Break a f***ing arm.

Footnote:

Lazio fined £32k for monkey chants. Ashley Cole fined £90k for a naughty tweet.

John Terry banned 4 games. Joey Barton banned 12 games for handbags.

Football is broken.

Fervent

Just seen the video of the monkey chanting at the Serbia v England U21 game (Stadion Mladost) which saw Danny Rose sent off for kicking the ball into the crowd after the final whistle. This should be easy. Ban them from playing international football as punishment. Throw the book at them faster than they threw missiles and coins and seats. How else can you truly make an example out of these animals?

Oh no, wait, I've got a better idea. Fine them 10k instead, that should cover the 'fervent' support. Slapped wrist will do the trick.

Punches and head-butts from the Serbian players too. That'll bury the racism deep enough to be brushed aside. Again.

Platini's Europe.

What a goldmine

Reading through the 2012 revised and updated edition of the Spurs Miscellany - newly released this month - I realised something that about the old enemy from down the road (aside from the fact they were called Woolwich and played their football in Plumstead and attempted to merge with Fulham). Before they made their journey to North London, the local residents objected about the prospective move. Yet people turned up for their home matches. That's the same people probably bitching about the move, the same people living in North London, some of which probably frequented White Hart Lane before Highbury.

So the old enemy is not only a football club with nomadic tendencies and no true identity but also one whose new founded fanbase just down the road on the Seven Sisters is made up of turncoats and deserters. The ilk of fan that turns their back on their own. They're fundamentally Tottenham rejects. Their original North London fanbase is made up of football fans that turned their back on their local club and pledged allegiance to one uprooted from elsewhere and dumped in our back yard. That and the fact they are the only club in history not to be promoted on footballing merit. History is what defines you right? Even history that takes you back several decades.

I knew all this already of course. I've read the Spurs Miscellany before. But now the prolific Martin Cloake and Adam Powley have updated their labour of love with new wonderful gems of facts, feats, records, anecdotes, classic matches, quotes, quirky info and trivia along with essential historical timelines that serve to remind all why we are a club bestowed with such rich colourful history. There's also biographical sections on club heroes like Paul Gascoigne, Danny Blanchflower, Steve Perryman, Gary Lineker and Chris Waddle as well as detailed season-by-season records for the geeks that wish to overdose on stats. There's also stories on some of our other famous Lilywhite legends and players you might not know (Walter Tull, Vivian Woodward) but you really should.

There's also a chapter dedicated to Mr Tottenham Hotspur, Bill Nicholson. And yes, Harry Redknapp and Gareth Bale are also included - as cited, it's revised and up to date (to the end of last season with the stats correct up until the start of the 2012/13 season).

The brilliant thing about this book is that you can literally pick it up, turn to any page and either read something you didn't know about Spurs or be reminded about something utterly irreverent yet funny or just down right glorious about our N17 haven. Love the entry on our crest (Badge of honour, page 31) along with our origin story and yes, even though I throw a cheap shot or two at Dial Square their own origins play such a big part in what is surely one of the most bitter rivalries in football (because love them or hate them, our rivalry is about football...rather than politics or religion or class wars). The story of our first ever game against them is also ironically funny.

Look, it's Spurs. You're Spurs. The book is jam-packed with quick-fire brilliance on Spurs. Ossie Ardiles foreword. Get on it.

The Tottenham Miscellany is published by Vision Sports Publishing RRP £9.99

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Want to win a copy?

Simply tell me a fact about yourself relating to Spurs. Can be anything, an anecdote, a quote. Best one wins. Just use the submission contact form to send in your entry or just add it in the comments section below (you might want to sign up to the blog first so that I can email you or just make surey you include a valid email address when you post).

Comolli

Damien Comolli was on the recent episode of The Football Manager podcast. They've added a DoF to the FM2013. If you've got no idea what I'm banging on about, FM is a football management game and for the first time ever you can appoint someone to handle the hiring and firing all members of staff, contracts, youth development, managing scouts, transfers etc. You can select the level of involvement for yourself (as manager) and the responsibility the DoF has at the club you're managing. If you have no interest in the game, you might still want to listen to the podcast as there's plenty said which retains massive interest in both Comolli's role at Spurs and what ultimately a DoF vision represents depending on what a football club seeks to get out of it.

We made a scapegoat of DC and in amongst all the name calling I think most of us know the system didn't work at Spurs because there seemed to be a lack of transparency on what the system actually was. An unnecessary cog in the wheel to most. The main complaint (from myself) was that it always appeared that our particular version of the DoF system was DoF > Coach. Consistency behind the scenes with the DoF selecting the coach/manager and supporting them in the transfer window. But as we all witnessed, when Comolli and others wanted to change things, they went ahead and did just that (removing Jol for Ramos). Comolli was given too much power and didn't compliment the system but rather consumed it in the end. Arnesen had a say in appointing Santini. Santini left, Jol was promoted. Jol and Arnesen worked well together. Arnesen left. Comolli was appointed. Jol was not the appointed one by Comolli and perhaps that's where the issue was birthed.

That's not to say that DC didn't have strengths. Again, we probably ignored the finer aspects of his job claiming that signing certain players wasn't such a big deal because they were hardly unknown transfer targets. He gives a couple of examples of the work his role entails on the podcast by telling a story about how Berbatov came to the Lane to watch us, only for Utd to win 1-0. After the game Berba told DC, "You're missing a striker like me". Took months of work, of talking, to get the player to decide it was for the best he signed with Spurs. Same with Gareth Bale. Sure, hardly unknown, but there was untold work (not just from DC but Levy got involved) to make sure Bale was ours in the end (the player was unsure about moving to Spurs with doubts on whether he would get any game time). All the grafting is something I guess we took for granted.

The crux of it is, the DoF (purely with transfers) is heavily involved in scouting, talking to players, agents, the players family and working with the chairman at the point of understanding and agreeing budget for wages/fee etc.

Comolli speaks about how it's impossible for a manager to cover all responsibilities without some assistance. Again, we probably get bogged down by titles. People reference Wenger and Ferguson as not working under a DoF system, but its not like they both do all the ground work for every deal. There are structures in place. There are structures at quite a few clubs and the 'system' has been around for several decades. It just didn't have a label that most of us scoff at.

The impression DC gives is that he works with the manager at all times and signs players the manager will agree to have (rather than the more continental and South American approach where coaches just work with the players given to them). So based on that, you expect that transfer wise - there was no issue with Martin Jol. On the surface. Politics of power ended that particular relationship.

"I never worked like this. I don't like. I work with the coach or the manager or the head coach (whatever you want to call it), I'm not working against him, I've always been saying 'what's the point in signing a player that the coach doesn't want because he won't play him - so it's money into the bin" - DC

There's some other interesting discussion points including how most successful youth development programs at football clubs have consistency by always retaining one person to oversee at academy level. The staffing outside of first team coaching is retained as this is a long term objective (and you only ever produce good youth players if the program is one that retains that consistency rather than losing it every time a new manager is appointed and restructuring occurs).

Since we scrapped the DoF at Spurs with the sacking of Comolli, we've witnessed how short term our transfer policy under Harry Redknapp and how the targeted players did not truly sit under any long term philosophy. Levy has worked as a General Manager for the club. Involved in signing players. Whether some players are proposed to the chairman outside of the remit of the coach, I don't know. I believe AVB accepted the new summer arrivals. There's no doubt Moutinho was one player he asked to have and we almost did before contract technicalities and last minute antics but that on hold for the time being. Levy is very proactive (say the 'relationship' with Real Madrid) but perhaps this role would be better occupied by someone that is truly a football man rather than a business one.

With the new training centre and the emphasis placed on youth development in recent years you can understand why we're rumoured to be looking for a director of football / technical director / call it what you want. To echo the sentiments of what was discussed on the FM podcast, as long as this position (one familiar to AVB from his time at Porto) was there to aid the coach in terms of the ilk of signings wanted along with personal preferences - then first team wise, AVB doesn't have to be heavily involved in the mundane parts of the process. Although, I really do think most managers are not heavily involved in that (aside from perhaps sometimes meeting players).

For me, having someone deal with the transfers will be better than having Levy deal with them. As long as the empowerment doesn't conflict with the coach - AVB is number one, the 'DoF' is number two. What matters more is the work that can be down with the academy and the scouting system (the latter especially needs refining). And a clear long term vision with the youth system with style of player and training along with players we seek to sign and add to the academy - this is what needs to be crafted and founded. Quite simply a DoF and the first team coach should be two separate positions both progressive and forward thinking and both complimenting each other and more importantly the ethos the club lays out (I'm not going to use the 'p' word here).

I'm all for Levy appointing someone. It's a long term assignment for certain. If things go wrong, if things don't work out at first team coaching level, then the chairman can appoint a new coach on advisement from the DoF. I guess that's how I would see it work, the problem last time out is that Comolli was the one that was truly doing the appointing and arguably his influence was too heavy handed and undermining.

It's about adapting a system that fits into your club and the clubs mantra. Have we learnt enough from the last attempt to make it work next time?

Interestingly, in the actual game FM2013 - you as a manager can hire and fire the DoF, rather than the other way round which tends to be the way it works at most clubs. But then, it is only a game.

You can listen to Comolli on the FM podcast on RSS here or via itunes here.

1882 - NK Maribor at the Lane

If you don’t know what 1882 is, it’s simply a group of Spurs fans that want to go to games and sing. Not just for five minutes here and there but for 90 minutes. We started off as the ‘Ultras’, rather naively thinking we could perhaps redefine a label that has so many deep rooted connotations (on the continent) to the right wing (politically, not positionally). We drummed up interest last season and had 250 turn up to support the youth team in the FA Youth Cup away to Charlton. Although we weren’t allowed to physically take our drum into the ground.

We chose a youth game simply to make a point that it isn’t all about the first team, it isn’t all about the obvious opportunities to seek glory. It’s about the shirt, no matter the team, be it kids or full internationals. I know, I know...some of you are probably reading this and thinking ‘been here before Spooky mate’, but there’s plenty who won’t have heard about it. So skip ahead if you've seen all the background blurb before.

Our next game was at the NextGen at the Lane against Barcelona earlier this season. The club itself was very receptive and supportive (allowing us two blocks in the West Stand), be it with some teething problems on the evening itself, but we had 600 fans turn up specifically off the back of knowing about the 1882 movement (RIP Ultras) or being told about it by friends. Things have progressed again and we’ve had a meeting at WHL with Tottenham officials regarding the NK Maribor home match in the Europa League. Tickets are probably sold out now, but the club have once more facilitated us and we have block J in the East Upper.

Now personally, I know 1882 is considered to be a ‘group’. To be honest, I don't want people to think too much about a label. Yes, we (The Fighting Cock) are representatives of this 'movement', organising block allocation and spreading the word but it’s simply that; awareness. We’re not accountable or responsible for everyone who buys a ticket for the game in the block allocated. We’re just the sign post that points to where like-minded individuals can gather and not annoy the **** out of each other, because everyone is there to capture that old emotive and mostly dismissed spirit of supporting no matter what. It’s a bloody good laugh and I guess youth games (and away from home) is where this sort of thing will excel but it’s a worthy experiment for the Europa League.

In the long run we’re hoping to continue talking to Spurs. We’re heavily involved with the Football Supporters Federation and I guess the main aim is to have safe standing at Spurs (or for the idea to be recognised). Be it at the Lane or the new stadium.

Worth mentioning, that just because we are allocated a block that doesn’t mean we have special dispensation to stand. Persistent standing (as we all know too well) is not allowed. If you’re going, stand up and sing like you would normally do when reacting to atmosphere/football/fellow fans – but let the stewards to their job. We’re all very educated in the game of musical chairs that plays out any given home match. They're under instructions to do what they do.

The Barca game was the first 1882 'event' at the Lane. One or two of supporters got a bit carried away and words were exchanged, however its also worth highlighting that there were several positive moments between stewards and fans and even police officers. And lessons learnt no doubt, for example, some people purchasing tickets for a specially allocated block and then complaining about standing/singing.

I think it’s amazing we even have to consider doing this for a first team game. Amazing in the sense that the atmosphere should be organic for any given home match. But there you go, seems a fuse has blown and electricity running through the stands at White Hart Lane is hardly creating a spark thesedays.

If you don’t get to go to the Maribor game, then keep a look out for future youth games.

I guess this is all about communication and common sense. From all involved. The whole experience should be no different to any given match day at the Lane. No different to wanting to take your place in the Park Lane lower. No different to how you would behave if you sat next to someone that enjoyed a good noisy song. I hope the club actually grasp that because its important. Supporters present, in block J will be well up to support Spurs on the night. This isn't about being different it's about being Tottenham.

The aim of the 1882 movement is to support our team and the shirt they play in. To sing as loud and as long as our lungs will let us. We want to hark back to the days before the Premier League, when how loud you sing and how passionate you became wasn’t dependent on how well Tottenham were playing.

For more on 1882 click here.

What's going on?

I’m in one of those places at the moment. Much like Dexter Morgan (in the hit US tv show ‘Dexter’) has a dark passenger that lusts for blood (he’s a serial killer, but a good one, he only kills people that deserve it like...other serial killers) I also have dark thoughts. Mostly about ordering a kebab at 11pm or attempting to induce lucid dreams that consist of me scoring last minute winners away to the scum then diving into the stands to ‘sort ‘em out’. Although I could be more like Dexter. Kill other bloggers. Alas, never red, so lusting for blood is a step too far. Click whores, you're safe for now.

Yes ladies and gentlemen, it’s international break time and I am suffering from a creative lull. There’s not that much going on to be fair. Here's some snippets of things that might muster up a discussion or two.

England

Might as well. I tuned in with 30 minutes gone, caught the goals, sort of half watch the second half. Was all very mediocre but that extra bit of quality allowing us to comfortably pick off San Marino. To be honest, I found myself watching more of the Wales v Scotland game. Football irony in your face with Gareth Bale’s winner, leaving Adams in his wake as he finished brilliantly to add to a dubious penalty which saw him win the spot kick by tripping himself up in the area. It was against the Scottish so allow it. Defoe sat on the bench (from what I saw) and Walker and Lennon didn't pick up injuries. Good enough for me. Elsewhere, three of the back four (Smith, Caulker, Rose) of the England U21 side were Spurs. Some of that.

Manager of the Month award

So Andre Villas-Boas had the better record than winner David Moyes? Who has the better beard and why isn’t a monthly award given out for that instead? Talking of which, I’m sporting hobo chic at the moment. I look rough and I like it. The fact I’m even talking about my irreverent fashion sense pretty much tells you everything you need to know about my opinion on the Manager of the Month award.

Stratford

The Olympic Stadium and Tottenham. It’s like stepping in dog **** and no matter how hard you try to wash it out you swear you can still smell the stink. Britain, gold medals, glorious scenes aside...back in the real world if we had to play away from the Lane for even half a season, would rather Wembley than a structure not purpose built for the sport our team actually plays. Hopefully the original plan (of playing at the Lane with building work on-going) sees fruition. Unless the OS has purpose built caravans shifted onto the running track to double up as executive boxes for corporate hospitality. That’ll work.

Podcast

Win against Villa. Noel Gallagher. Diving. Walker. How to get out of doing something with your missus and going to Tottenham instead. Midfield beasts. Cannibalism. And trikes. Click here for it.

A message from Chirpy

Dear faithful Tottenham supporters,

Hello.

You might know me from White Hart Lane and any given Spearmint Rhinos VIP area. I was, up until this past weekend,  the Tottenham Hotspur official mascot. Handshakes, cuddles and smiles galore and for the more disconcerting amongst you, a gram of coke or bag of weed (what, you think I suddenly grew a pair of t*ts?). I cater for all. I don’t discriminate. Unlike my ex-employers. I’ve been at Spurs for a number of years now having replaced the original ‘Chirpy’ who suffered a quite horrific accident involving decapitation and a Bosch oven. I was on holiday at the time. Abroad. I can have this verified by Smith Allen Mitchell Associates. Contrary to popular belief the original Chirpy did not have plastic surgery and I am not him. These cheekbones are 100% original works of art. And much like several other candidates, I interviewed and accepted the position with some pride.

Now some of you might think that I'm ‘scary’ looking what with my big round intense dilated pupils. Let's be honest here. I am scary looking, in that same brooding way Ryan Gosling was in Drive. But you need to understand and appreciate it’s not all about photo opportunities, PR and waving to the crowd. There was other work to be had, behind the scenes. Sorting out the riff raff in the executive boxes if they claimed to have issues with the service and got a bit lippy with the waitresses. "What's that sir? You don't like the ribs? How about a knuckle sandwich instead". I then punched them in the gut and followed-up with, "How do ya like them ribs now?". Seriously, you had to be there, it's a visual thing, and the waitresses were easy pickings in the aftermath. They were more wet than a rainy Tuesday night in Stoke. I was part of the furniture, as much as that gold cockerel. Just a bit more sociable. Seriously, the old git just sits on that roof every day mumbling anecdotes about the 60s, the senile fool. Can never get him to the pub.

RIP little fella

Okay, sure, I had my moments of unprofessionalism. The reverse gangbang in the middle of the pitch on New Years Eve, pulling Martin Jol’s trousers down during half time in the dressing room and exposing his little tulip. Setting David Bentleys foot on fire. The squirrel and mayo sandwich I left in the fridge over the Bank holiday weekend. Just to name a few. Then there's the incident with Gunnersaurus and a blow-torch. You know he's a eunuch now? That's right, his balls are extinct. Mascot banter innit. Just standard mishaps. I'm a lad. Outside of work I did have a weakness for whores and crystal meth, but then again, what modern man doesn’t? I'm not perfect, I've made the odd mistake.

Maybe I did, maybe I didn't. I did.

Couple of weeks back I’m told to take a holiday, rest up they said. I accepted. I spent one week in rehab and the following week in Amsterdam ****ed out of my head on mushrooms. I checked Twitter, I see something about something about a Chirpy re-launch. I think to myself ‘that’s nice’, they’re making a big deal of my return. I get back to Blightly, turn up for work, then get marched to HR. There, it's explained to me in rather abrupt fashion why my P45 is sat staring back at me on a desk separating myself and Donna Cullen. I was proper ready to kung-fu her but little known fact, she's a black belt in Aikido. And I don't like to slap women. Unless I accept the £400 premium and pay upfront. Is there a difference between a slap and a spank? Regardless, can I categorically state I do not want to slap Donna Cullen. Or spank her. I took my P45 and walked out with the words 'we want a wholesome family orientated look, a new and improved friendly faced mascot', still ringing in my ears like fingernails scratching down a chalkboard. Friendly faced or maggot faced? I can't tell the difference.

'New & improved' Chirpy...What a **** (via @Bealeionaire)You heard of Atkins you fat **** ? (via @joelkara)

I was basically 'sacked' and replaced by a cartoon chicken. That’s about the sum of it. Some fat **** character actor that was previously dressed up as a hen for some poxy pantomime up north. A big massive fake botoxed smile and goofy idiot eyes and the most pathetic set of eyebrows I’ve ever seen. Like two electrocuted caterpillars. Since when do cockerels have eyebrows? He's also blatantly into paraphilic infantilism, the diaper wearing sap I can smell his stink from here. Well done Spurs for removing a rock’n’roll edge to mascoting and replacing it with a tumour infested bargain bucket.

I will be fighting this decision and I will have my day in court for unfair dismissal and ownership of image rights along with the freedom to continue manufacturing the love doll range I’ve been selling to stockists in Soho. It's got detachable parts. Caters for all. Because I don't discriminate.

So, this is not the last of me and if you can please contact the club in the mean time in support of my reinstatement as official mascot it will be very much appreciated. Thank you listening.

Regards,

‘Evil Chirpy’

#newchirpyout

Smith Allen Mitchell Associates would like to clarify that at no time during Evil Chirpy's employment at THFC did he deal recreational drugs and no illegal substances were handled inside White Hart Lane. Further to this, Chirpy has now completed his 50 days community service for the incident at the Chick King takeaway establishment on the High Road when two hundred live roosters were let loose on the premises. In addition when the original Chirpy 'passed', Evil Chirpy was in Goa.

The ego's have to take a back seat

Brad Friedel, Wednesday, July 11, 2012 (TalkSport)

We'll welcome any good addition to the squad. When I first signed here there was no secret that at some stage Tottenham Hotspur would need a long term number one goal keeper. I'm 41 years old. This could be my final season. I'm here and I'm contracted to the football club and I'll do whatever is asked of me. Whether that's a number 1, a number 2, a number 3...I'll do it to the best of my ability. It's easier as you get older to realise it but this is a team sport and the ego's have to take a back seat if you want to be successful

Sharing this quote from pre-season as it's fair to say some people have forgotten all about it. I've seen some supporters on social media discuss how Lloris only started this past weekend because of 'board pressure' along with France playing and how it would cause issues with Andre Villas-Boas if the French number one wasn't involved at club level. So it's unlikely that the coach picks the team based on fixtures and tactics and that the decisions on player selection is conducted by directors and people outside of Spurs that have no influence or direct relationship with the club. Nothing it seems is ever conducted as normal routine, there is always a conspiracy sitting in its shadow.

Stranger than fiction?

The life and dives of Gareth Frank Bale

The one good thing to come in the aftermath of Gareth Bale’s embarrassing dive is that Tottenham supporters are pretty much one voice of disapproval for such dramatics. It’s not in our nature to witness/welcome/accept our players cheating. Other teams might have made it part and parcel of their ‘winning’ mentality but it’s something that retains discomfort when a player in Lilywhite is guilty of it. I remember Zokora play acting a fair bit when he was with us. I remember the lack of applause for his ‘performances’. Leave it to the continent and some of our supposedly more classy neighbours.

If you wanted to entertain any form of defence for Bale you could cite the rather obvious concern he has with being clattered in a challenge. It plays on his mind. It plays on his mind so much that he’s consciously thinking too much about that potentiality when he’s running with the ball.

I can almost understand and accept when he's physically brought down and remains grounded. Although there’s an element of strength to be displayed by simply dusting yourself off and standing up as if nothing has happened, these are not the 1960s when players played on with broken bones. The modern footballer is far more self conscious, especially one that has been hacked and injured in the past. The last thing any player wants is to be sidelined. So somewhere in amongst all this, Bale has confused matters by attempting to control that potentiality of being clattered by avoiding it altogether. When he’s fouled, he makes a point of it to perhaps influence the referee he’s being targeted (which is fair enough) and to make sure he's okay but when he’s not fouled he has a habit of tumbling over far too easily to win the free kick. Being 'touched' by the boot or leg of an opposing player doesn't constitute the easy surrender to gravity that prevails.

Much like the way he remains grounded, some might defend his insistence of falling down easily when challenged as a further form of protection. But the fact he entertains this school of thought means that soon enough the ambiguity will cloud his judgement and any chance of any Tottenham supporter attempting to rationalise his behaviour will evaporate. If you're challenged and you don't lose balance then there's no reason to take a tumble.

what happens next?

You go from protecting yourself by simply exaggerating to then second guessing what will happen and falsifying the outcome. The dive Bale was guilty of against Aston Villa was ridiculous and the perfect illustration of this. The keeper was nowhere near making contact. Bale, reacting to what might have happened had contact been made moves his leg to avoid impact then drops to mimic what would have happened had contact been made. Was it instinctive? Was this an example of that ambiguity clouding his judgement? No and no.

It all leads back to Bale always thinking about it. He’s constantly pre-occupied with that potentiality, so much so he's now using it as an excuse rather than the reason. There’s little chance he dived to protect himself in this instance. It was far too choreographed, much like any given dive on a football pitch. It was inexcusable and it was premeditated. He might not have set out to cheat for the sake of cheating but is there really any difference? If you simulate then you're in the wrong by default. If you do so in the penalty area then you're a methodical cheat and if you do so to get someone sent off you're just as pathetic. If you're doing it outside the penalty area then you're just being stupid.

Inside Gareth's head, he probably started out thinking this every single time: He might whack me, he might injury me, I'll glide it out, I'll jerk my leg and minimise impact and injury. Whereas now, it's simply the easy safe option to take every single time.

In his head, it probably doesn't sound daft. We'll argue it isn't pleasant viewing and it's embrassing, he'll argue that having his ankle snapped isn't too pleasant for him. That's probably his rationalisation, that was the reason but as cited already, it's now his excuse.

The one positive to take from it is that he never cried out for a free kick, he didn't roll around. He might have done so had a little contact been made. Had that happened we might not be discussing a diving incident now. Instead we might be asking why he didn't fly past the keeper and aim for the net instead of being easily clattered. If you're going to cheat you may as well see it out until the end. He knew exactly what he did and hopefully when he watches it back he'll have a word with himself. Or he'll just get better at cheating. We'll have to wait and see.

If he truly remains so scared of being injured from a challenge and it is the reason for his behaviour, rather than disguise it by limiting impact and diving (to avoid injury), how about just jumping out of the way. Not so dignified but more so than falling to the ground in pretence.

Bale has to man up. He has to stop thinking about what opposition players might do to him and start doing to the opposition what they fear he can.

Villas 2 Villa 0

Tottenham 2 Villa 0

Still not completely convincing at home. Lacking that ruthless killer instinct. One or two players struggling with their form. Other's still settling. Other's forming new on field relationships. Pre-match I wanted to see:

1. More than just 45 minutes of dominance, fluidity from start to finish.
2. Boss midfield and tempo with aggression and pace.
3. Clinical in front of goal.
4. No late goals conceded.
5. Comfortable win.
6. Noisy happy atmosphere.

We sort of got some of the above, in pockets, more so in second half than in the first – including a moment or two where the opposition might have punished us, but thankfully, they too lacked that killer touch. Yet, even as this team builds momentum and team unity, even with new players still looking to find their groove in Lilywhite, we still find ourselves sitting in 5^th spot with four consecutive league wins and unbeaten in nine games. Momentum breeds confidence and confidence breeds style. All in good time. Considering we lost two key players (Luka and Rafa) in the summer along with an injury to another (Parker)  and the retirement of Ledley plus an overhaul of coaching and training...if this is a transitional period, it's hardly traumatic. Andre Villas-Boas inherited a side in a state of flux. We are hardly the sitting ducks some expected (prayed for) in the aftermath of the summer.

Sure, okay, no problem...I agree (how can I not?) that the swagger isn’t quite free-flowing at the Lane. Would be naive to expect a new coach to implement new ideas as casually and easily as flicking a switch on. We look better, more fluid, away from home at the moment but the signs are there that improvements will be made which should have a more positive effect on how we set up at the Lane. It’s one thing being a side that attacks attacks attacks but if there is no added dimension to our play, no adaptability – then we’ll get unstuck against more clued up opponents. However, the drawback at the moment is that as we look to progress we might get unstuck by virtue of the problems that exist, the ones we’re trying to iron out.

Say, for example, sitting too deep at 1-0 or not taking our chances early in the game. Then again, as good as we were at full pelt last season at home there were plenty of games where for all our intent we failed to break down teams. Looks like we’re worked through our early season issues (WBA, Norwich) already but the real test will come when a far stronger side visits.

What did we learn with the 2-0 against Villa?

Sandro and Dembele are forming a robust partnership in the centre of midfield. The Belgian completing 77 passes from 79 and was never dispossessed and aided the powerful push forwards in the second half. Such a great mix of abilities and with Parker out, Sandro is able to graft his way towards making the position his own. Dembele is quality and players like that won't struggle to settle if they have the confidence to play thanks to their team mates effort and work rate. Can't wait to see the immensity of their partnership 20 games into the season.

Special extra mention: Sandro and the 720 degree turn. He's a mentalist.

Vertonghen is superb. So vital we have players in key positions that are world class. There, I said it. I'm not ashamed. He's a centre-back that looks equally comfortably at left-back and attacks as well ad he defends. Oozes confidence and leadership. Caulker's eduction by the side of both Jan and Gallas, better spent with us than out on loan. The youth of Spurs are being coached and selected. No favouritism. If you're good enough, you're in. Mature beyond his years but then we caught a glimpse of that when he was at Swansea. Talking of maturity, Gallas, on the quiet, getting the job done and continuing to prove many of us (including me) wrong. Still has it. We look strong at the back, more so when the injured return to full fitness.

Dempsey is still bedding in (much like Siggy is) – when both find their place in the team then both will give us that extra bit of oomph in midfield that we lost when van der Vaart returned to Germany. Dempsey scored a bundle for Fulham. Siggy equally effective for Swansea. Both, thus far, bit part players trying to work into the system. The American currently ahead in selection.

Adebayor’s return is massive for us. Holds up the ball, retains it well, allowing the midfielders to press forward and his link up play is far superior to what Defoe can offer. It’s part of his natural game. Hoping he gets in amongst it with the goals once he starts to play regularly.

Not sure of original source of image. Possibly computer generated. Blatant fake. They're all smiling.

Hugo Lloris proved why he’s got so much more than Brad Friedel between the sticks in terms of this being a team game. His distribution and his communication is vital to improving the way we defend, acting as both keeper and sweeper. He did make one mistake that went unpunished. Still, a clean sheet. Ta muchly. Brad, the model professional all smiles on the bench (unless Friedel was not actually at the game and Spurs were using 'tupac' holographic technology to show us a smiling Brad to aid with disguising the turmoil in the dressing room). Another feature of Hugo is the way he sees danger and seeks to throw himself onto the grenade. Love the way he reads the game so well and dashes out to tackle/win the ball. Also – 67% passing rate (Brad has 18% average).

We accepted the slice of luck to go 1-0 up and that was enough of a breakthrough to set us on our way for a far more comfortable second half. Although Villa had a moment or two (one shot straight at Lloris and the other, the aforementioned mistake from the keeper that thankfully saw Benteke’s header go wide). A reminder of those problems that need ironing out.

Walker is still struggling. I don’t get why some are so keen to dismiss him because he's currently detached from solid consistent form. He’s a young lad, he had a fantastic season last time out. I don’t know what the reason is behind his erratic displays but much like the team as a whole struggled, we need to be supportive.

Might be in need of some rotation/rest/competition once Naughton is available for selection again. We all know he needs to work and develop his positioning and defending. He's got all the right qualities for AVB's tactics. We just need to make sure he's focused and disciplined. Maybe he does need that rest. But there's no doubt he needs to understand he's a defender and usually defenders need to defend. Rest aside, the coaches need to nurture the raw talent. I guess some will still slag him off or not open their eyes to the long play much like they were all too eager to see Bale go off on loan to Forest.

Lennon's goal was great. Sandro, Dempsey involved, lovely finish from Azza. As for the first, Defoe cleverly aiming for Caulker to purposely deflect the shot in to beat the keeper. As for Gareth Bale. Solid performance without being outstanding but the 'dive' deserves its own article. Will share soon.

No sitting too deep second half with positive attack minded substitutions.

Villa were not very good. Did well in the first half to nullify us (although we still crafted chances of promise). But our first half misgivings had plenty to do with untidy passing and decision making and lack of tempo and composure. Too anxious perhaps? Trying too hard to force the issue rather than dismantling the opposing side with cool, calculated movement. We still looked solid and we improved and in the end the visitors had very little to show for it. A better striker up front for them and perhaps the game would have played out differently.

We could have made more of it after they went down to 10 men, but failed to find a third goal. Woodwork making sure of it.

Good work going into the international break. We still look like a side playing at around 60% - 70% of our true potential. The trick is that we retain that winning momentum when we’re not firing on all cylinders, whilst aiming for 80% +. Once the spine of the team is settled and we’re more fluid in movement and intensity, then we’ll be standing on that next level of performance. Once on that level, I’d expect us to be far more dominant and bullish at home. It still has that ominoius feeling that its a bit to much of a graft to earn the points. But then that's hardly a bad thing. We're still winning, still finding a way through. The progression of Andre Villas-Boas Tottenham continues.

Special mention again to Brad Friedel and 320 consecutive games played in the Premier League. Phenomenal. Also worth noting (again), seven played with fourteen points. One defeat. Nine games unbeaten all comps.