A message from Chirpy
Tuesday, October 9, 2012 at 8:18PM 
Dear faithful Tottenham supporters,
Hello.
You might know me from White Hart Lane and any given Spearmint Rhinos VIP area. I was, up until this past weekend, the Tottenham Hotspur official mascot. Handshakes, cuddles and smiles galore and for the more disconcerting amongst you, a gram of coke or bag of weed (what, you think I suddenly grew a pair of t*ts?). I cater for all. I don’t discriminate. Unlike my ex-employers. I’ve been at Spurs for a number of years now having replaced the original ‘Chirpy’ who suffered a quite horrific accident involving decapitation and a Bosch oven. I was on holiday at the time. Abroad. I can have this verified by Smith Allen Mitchell Associates. Contrary to popular belief the original Chirpy did not have plastic surgery and I am not him. These cheekbones are 100% original works of art. And much like several other candidates, I interviewed and accepted the position with some pride.
Now some of you might think that I'm ‘scary’ looking what with my big round intense dilated pupils. Let's be honest here. I am scary looking, in that same brooding way Ryan Gosling was in Drive. But you need to understand and appreciate it’s not all about photo opportunities, PR and waving to the crowd. There was other work to be had, behind the scenes. Sorting out the riff raff in the executive boxes if they claimed to have issues with the service and got a bit lippy with the waitresses. "What's that sir? You don't like the ribs? How about a knuckle sandwich instead". I then punched them in the gut and followed-up with, "How do ya like them ribs now?". Seriously, you had to be there, it's a visual thing, and the waitresses were easy pickings in the aftermath. They were more wet than a rainy Tuesday night in Stoke. I was part of the furniture, as much as that gold cockerel. Just a bit more sociable. Seriously, the old git just sits on that roof every day mumbling anecdotes about the 60s, the senile fool. Can never get him to the pub.
RIP little fella
Okay, sure, I had my moments of unprofessionalism. The reverse gangbang in the middle of the pitch on New Years Eve, pulling Martin Jol’s trousers down during half time in the dressing room and exposing his little tulip. Setting David Bentleys foot on fire. The squirrel and mayo sandwich I left in the fridge over the Bank holiday weekend. Just to name a few. Then there's the incident with Gunnersaurus and a blow-torch. You know he's a eunuch now? That's right, his balls are extinct. Mascot banter innit. Just standard mishaps. I'm a lad. Outside of work I did have a weakness for whores and crystal meth, but then again, what modern man doesn’t? I'm not perfect, I've made the odd mistake.
Maybe I did, maybe I didn't. I did.
Couple of weeks back I’m told to take a holiday, rest up they said. I accepted. I spent one week in rehab and the following week in Amsterdam ****ed out of my head on mushrooms. I checked Twitter, I see something about something about a Chirpy re-launch. I think to myself ‘that’s nice’, they’re making a big deal of my return. I get back to Blightly, turn up for work, then get marched to HR. There, it's explained to me in rather abrupt fashion why my P45 is sat staring back at me on a desk separating myself and Donna Cullen. I was proper ready to kung-fu her but little known fact, she's a black belt in Aikido. And I don't like to slap women. Unless I accept the £400 premium and pay upfront. Is there a difference between a slap and a spank? Regardless, can I categorically state I do not want to slap Donna Cullen. Or spank her. I took my P45 and walked out with the words 'we want a wholesome family orientated look, a new and improved friendly faced mascot', still ringing in my ears like fingernails scratching down a chalkboard. Friendly faced or maggot faced? I can't tell the difference.
'New & improved' Chirpy...What a **** (via @Bealeionaire)
You heard of Atkins you fat **** ? (via @joelkara)
I was basically 'sacked' and replaced by a cartoon chicken. That’s about the sum of it. Some fat **** character actor that was previously dressed up as a hen for some poxy pantomime up north. A big massive fake botoxed smile and goofy idiot eyes and the most pathetic set of eyebrows I’ve ever seen. Like two electrocuted caterpillars. Since when do cockerels have eyebrows? He's also blatantly into paraphilic infantilism, the diaper wearing sap I can smell his stink from here. Well done Spurs for removing a rock’n’roll edge to mascoting and replacing it with a tumour infested bargain bucket.
I will be fighting this decision and I will have my day in court for unfair dismissal and ownership of image rights along with the freedom to continue manufacturing the love doll range I’ve been selling to stockists in Soho. It's got detachable parts. Caters for all. Because I don't discriminate.
So, this is not the last of me and if you can please contact the club in the mean time in support of my reinstatement as official mascot it will be very much appreciated. Thank you listening.
Regards,
‘Evil Chirpy’
#newchirpyout
Smith Allen Mitchell Associates would like to clarify that at no time during Evil Chirpy's employment at THFC did he deal recreational drugs and no illegal substances were handled inside White Hart Lane. Further to this, Chirpy has now completed his 50 days community service for the incident at the Chick King takeaway establishment on the High Road when two hundred live roosters were let loose on the premises. In addition when the original Chirpy 'passed', Evil Chirpy was in Goa.
Reader Comments (28)
WTF. There must be an international break this week.
I have this idea in my head of Spooky Vs Chirpy in a Family Guy-esque fight to the death.... That never ends...
Please make a cartoon out of it!
Brad getting touched up in background of 'Sylvie' pick
Hahaha... only this weekend I said to the boys what an arse the supposed new chirpy looked. Did you see the way he was trying to wiggle that wrong colour tail of his. Why not the colour navy blue if there was to be a change.. if there was a time I nearly booed that was it Spooky ;-).
Levy Bring back Our old Chirpy back , and get rid of that imposter, or you might see more fans boo next game (only joking incase someone thinks im serious)
COY MIGHTY SPURS
Im gutted for you Chirpy, my little boy has a mini size replica purchased from within the walls of club shop. He lovingly drags it around, throws it down the stairs and occasionaly has a 1 on 2 wrestling match with you and special agent Oso!! Its kind of fitting now he loves it / you although looks a little like how id imagine you probably look now without a job, washed up on white lightning smoking fag butts scavenged off the floor , shabby looking, unwashed dirty home shirt.....but hey he loves ya and thats all that matters!!
Is this a David Bentley thang?
LOL
Sheer bloody genius
That Chicken catcher guy with the long pole and the Venkeys jacket should have given you a clue, should have stayed in Amsterdam where it's now safe as the "Cannibal of Ajax" now plies his trade at Anfield. You had a good Chicken run mate, seen plenty of stuffing in your tyme and all that foul language,I know it's no yolk, you must have been boiling at times and what did they pay you, chicken feed I expect. At least Spooky got the coup.
MoTD2?
Brilliant post. It's all image, innit. I blame the new boy Van der Tongen. Bring back Van der Vaart (and his lovely wife).
Absolutely love it Spooky!
Probably your most witty and insightful piece of late Spooky. But, Have you not considered the sinister connection of the arrival of Stefan Freund and the demise of Chirpy. Dont forget it was Evil Chirpy who supplanted Freund's old mate Chirpy Chirpy...
New Chirpy looks shit. The Sun was right all along - club in turmoil.
Imagine an end of season fight between all 3 incarnations of chirpy in Rudolphs. The winner gets to lay claim to being the one and only. I think I'd actually pay more to watch that than it costs to watch a CatA game.
I have heard there is a really evil looking Chirpy in the back blocks of Serbia:
Just a phenomenally funny piece of writing...lol
me no liek Chicken badge
RazSpur
You will be pleased to hear that rather than listening to talk sport today I opted to listen to some dad rock.. Bruce on the way to aLondon & I took up your suggestion and had a bit of ELO on the way home.....
Felt wrong - a bit like the time I bet £10 on Chirpy to win the mascot grasped national and screaming at the top of my voice....
Here in the States we take our mascots seriously What we need is to deep-six the fuzzy-freak altogether and get us a real Fighting Cock. Georgia has a real Bulldog that once attacked an Auburn player. Auburn have an Eagle that is trained to fly around the stadium before a game. Florida has a Seminole Indian on his horse ride into the stadium and plant his spear at halfway before kick-off. Colorado runs a Buffalo across their field prior to a game.
We need to go to Mexico or the Philippines and get us a real Fighting Cockeral. We can have it tear apart some unfortunate barnyard chicken before kick-off and then leave it in a cage next to the visitor's dug-out during the game. Can't you see Fergie jumping out of the way when he stands-up to berate the ref and the bird goes for him!? It'd be brilliant!!
maybe we should start a fund to buy the costume off thfc and turn evil chirpy into the dml mascot?
any chance of an autobiography coming out any time soom detailing the rock and roll excess of a premier league mascot??
'Extracts from Chirpy's autobiography'
Up and coming on this blog in the near future.
F..k the Disney approach...
I wanted to have chicken one day this week but needed to find a new recipe...this is it! :)
Your banner quote about the nineties . O K I can understand where you re coming from , but who can forget the total destruction of The Woolwichites in the F.A Cup Semi Final in 1991 watch it and weep . The team were orgasmic . Oh The Glory !!!!
3-1 at Wembley. What a glorious day that was. I remember the Woolwich team bus turning up and the abuse they got whilst they all waved back at us. Hilarious.
+1 for the idea of a real fighting cock. At least evil chirpy looked like he wants a fight. Great blog.
Was fcukin around on ancestor.com and wondered if Chirpy had any relitives. Bingo!
http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=3a0_1350325963