The Book of Daniel - Chapter Six - The End

by Ryan the Perplexed

It was just two weeks to go before the season started. The Tottenhamites were restless. They prayed.  They repented. They worried. It was their custom since the dawn of time. Boaz asked Daniel how the negotiations were going regarding the striker signing. ‘Fantastic’ replied Daniel. ‘We have bid £7m and they will accept £8m. Not far to go now.'

The next day, Boaz asked Daniel if the deal had been agreed. Daniel replied ‘Yes. We settled on £7.5m’ And so Boaz was pleased.

The day after, Boaz asked Daniel if the player had completed a medical. Daniel said ‘Not yet – I have reduced our offer to £6.5m in instalments, which includes a performance bonus and part-payment in WH Smith vouchers which expire in 4 days. I am confident they will accept.’

And the next day the deal was dead and Daniel’s efforts whistled in the wind. And the end of days loomed when the season started and the squad was weak. False prophets arose proclaiming 4 signings in one day, an end to hunger, world peace and the demise of Mark Lawrenson in fiery furnace. And the false prophets cried and squealed when the Tottenhamites turned upon them in great numbers when their prophecies did not come to pass. 'Things change' they howled. It was true, things do change, but not always for the better.

Yea, there was truly only one ITK and he was Daniel, but many suspected that Daniel did not know much after all, rendering the entire exercise rather meaningless.

And so Boaz was greatly vexed by the actions of Daniel. The promises of squad rebuilding became the dismal reality of failed brinkmanship. Boaz sojourned in the training ground where he watched balls bounce harmlessly off the heads of Defoe and Kane and prepared a midfield of Livermore and Jenas.  And even BAE started dreaming dreams about the lack of strikers. He became a Nazirite, refusing to bathe, cut his hair or tweet until a striker had been signed. The camp was in utter disarray as the transfer deadline approached, and Daniel spent his time sourcing fax paper which would be the most likely to jam in the machine at 10.57pm on 31 August. Transfer windows came and went. Vanity of vanity, all was Daniel's vanity. There is nothing new under the golden cockerel gleaming in the sun.

And Ari found employment in management again in a job suited to his ways. As brand ambassador for Bettaq247's online management and gambling game he had found his true calling. He even found jobs for the Bondsman and Jordan in the call centre, where they shared jokes and stories about what might have been with Juande Ramos and Jacques Santini, who had found employment in the admin and HR deptartments.

And the Lord came back from his all-inclusive holiday in Torremolinos and was keen to know what progress had made with signings. 'Don't worry my Lord' replied Daniel. 'I am pleased to say that the Club are much stronger than last season. We have agreed deals with software developers, caterers, toilet cleaners and kit manufacturers. No-one can doubt these huge achievements'.

'Oh' said the Lord. 'What about the football side?' And Daniel drew himself up to a great height, puffed out is chest and proclaimed:

'My Lord. We have agreed a partnership with Real Madrid'

'But what does that mean?' said the Lord.

And Daniel replied 'it means they can have first choice on all our players, have free membership of One Hotspur Bronze, have parking permits on the High Road, and we can hide the fact of Luka's sale in the some sort of botched PR spin'.

'Hmm...' said the Lord, 'botched - that is a word many of the Tottenhamites associate with your efforts. What about Moutinho? We are sitting on huge amounts of cash from the sales of the last 3 transfer windows. We have lost two world class players in Modric and VdV. Boaz needs Moutinho to work his system - which is the one of the reasons why he failed at Chelsea.'

'We will try' said Daniel.  And so the clouds gathered at Spurs Lodge. The skies darkened. Outside there was a gathering of teenage chavs, taxi drivers and Sky Sports news teams. No one came in. No one came out. Eventually Daniel brought forth Dembele and a goalkeeper. He even stole Dempsey whilst the Kopites weren't looking. The irony.  But there was a large gap. It was called world-class creativity.  Embodied by Moutinho. The deadline passed. The Tottenhamites hung their heads it despair. Another 'almost' signing. Of course. The more things changed, the more they stayed the same.

'What happened?' said the Lord.

'We just couldn't agree a deal' said Daniel. 'We had known that we were losing Modric for the past 14 months and needed a world class playmaker. When the clock struck 10.50pm, I was just not prepared to pay the bank transfer fees. Boaz was most upset. Don't worry we have signed Clint Dempsey and Harry Kane is off to Norwich to work in their mail order warehouse.'

The task of Boaz was made much harder by Daniel's actions. Boaz talked more and more about player's particular dimensions - as humans, beasts or attacking half wing backs. It was all very hard to understand, and the Tottenhamites feared that Boaz was a manager of less than average dimensions when it came to success.
 
And the Lord was greatly displeased with Daniel and his efforts to lead his people to freedom. Even Daniel's loyal followers started to doubt the trust they had placed in him. All had grown weary of Daniel's inability to look at the bigger picture, to take the next step and to act like a man of ambition rather than just talk like one. As the wise elders amongst the Tottenhamites had realised, for over a decade Daniel had sold well, bought well only in patches and the less said about most of his managerial appoinments, the better.
 
Yea and to many Tottenhamites, it seemed that their support of the club taught them lessons they could use all the days of their lives. And thus the Tottenhamites assembled and enshrined their 8 proverbs on a scroll:

1) Never trust information from a supposed ITK who won’t name names, constantly promises vague delights, and uses idiotic winks and smileys ;) to communicate.

2) If Spurs have a goal lead to defend and there is about 5 mins to go, it is better to accept sedation rather than witness the inevitable horror unfold, if a Tottenhamite values their health.

3) There is no more soul-destroying announcement than ‘Half-time substitution by Spurs – Gareth Bale off, Jermaine Jenas on’.

4) Unless they work on the London Underground, a Tottenhamite must never utter the following words in sequence again if they do not want incur the wrath of the Almighty – Mind. The. Gap.

5) Tottenhamite Transfer windows are much like the phases of love – evaluation, optimism, small success, unsubstantiated optimism, frustration, anger, hysteria, disappointment and finally dismal acceptance.

6) Tottenham will always have 4 right backs but never enough wide midfielders.

7) The earth is made of 5 indestructible elements - earth, wind, fire, air and David Bentley.

8) If a man wants success he should support Man Utd.  If a man wants good football he should support Barcelona. If a man wants to blindly agree with everything their manager says he should support Arsenal. If a man sees John Terry as a positive role model he should support Chelsea and seek counselling. If a man wants to see his club never miss an opportunity to miss an opportunity then he should support Tottenham.

And the scroll was bound in a surplus Pony kit circa 1997 and displayed before the Tottenhamites who read from the scroll every week.

And so Daniel looked back at his efforts over the summer and the previous decade and was proud of all his works. Yet the Lord and the Tottenhamites were less so. So Daniel was better than Alan Sugar and that was about it. Great things were promised by Daniel – a 60k capacity temple, brilliant managers, world-class players and regular CL campaigns and titles. Instead the Tottenhamites received a new toilet in the North Stand, Jacques Santini, Grezgorz Rasiak and one Carling Cup.  Many prayers were offered to Daniel but he could only answer few. A great burden was placed on his shoulders. That is the burden of leadership and following the ways of the Lord. Only those who truly Dare end up Doing.

And thus ends – for the time being at least – the Book of Daniel, written by the humble hand of the scribe Ryan the Perplexed. He hopes that you enjoyed the journey with him, as we watched Daniel navigate his way through a summer of choppy seas – his little round bald head flashing like a belisha beacon, silently lighting the way whilst the Tottenhamites waited to cross the road into a new season, hoping that the approaching juggernaut of hope braked in time, and they all got on and drove together into the warm embrace of the setting sun.

Come on ye Spurs.

Previous chapters:

The Book of Daniel - Chapter Five

The Book of Daniel - Chapter Four

The Book of Daniel - Chapter Three

The Book of Daniel - Chapter Two

The Book of Daniel

The Book of Daniel - Chapter Five

by Ryan the perplexed

And so after many years of service to his people and visits to the doctor, King Ledley finally rested at Mt Kneebo.  The Tottenhamites paused and reflected on the end of an era. He was humble, gracious, supremely talented, lightning quick.  Everything the Great Sinner Terry was not.  And yet Terry had the luck of Heaven and Prince Ledley had the luck of Hell.  And so Daniel donned his priestly vestments and took Ledley onto Mt Kneebo, which overlooked the promised land of regular CL football and subjugation of the Goonite hordes.

‘Look at this land before you Ledley’ said Daniel. ‘This is the golden future of the Club’ And Ledley became greatly distressed as Daniel seemed to be pointing at Harry Kane. ‘No –not him. He’s useless. See there on that far mountain, a small man with ginger hair and a neatly trimmed beard is talking to the players. His name is Boaz and he had one good year at Porto and has managed the British Virgin islands in the Maccabi Champions League.’ And Ledley looked, shook his head sadly and devoted the rest of his days to the Hotspur Foundation and the Darren Anderton Institute for Sports Science.

And Daniel was proud of making Boaz a Tottenhamite and brought him before the Lord to dazzle Him with his football wisdom. Daniel asked Boaz to explain to the Lord about bringing Bale into the game more. And before Boaz could speak, the Lord placed a small frog inside Boaz’s mouth for His own amusement.

‘Felicitations Holy One’ began Boaz. ‘We plan to introduce Bale more rigourously on the more vacant placements on pitch <cough>.

And the Lord turned to  Daniel and said ‘I have no idea what he is saying’.

But Boaz continued ‘ It is imperative that Bale finds and creates <croak> outlets for attack-minded runs in order to create dissonance within the minds of the opposition.  We intend to <splutter> utilise retro-functioning runs by the more advanced players –to alter the targeting of the defenders.  That is my project. Here is my pencil case.’

And the Lord said ‘What does that mean?’ And Daniel said ‘ I have no idea but it sounds impressive doesn’t Oh Lord? There can be no comparison between the wise verbiage of Boaz with the tics and twitterings of Ari.’

And the Lord mulled over this for a while and opened up Google Translate on his Godphone.  He changed the settings to translate from ‘Technical Waffle’ to just ‘English’ and used this to translate the words of Boaz.  When the Lord ask Boaz what would his advice be to strikers when bringing them on with 10 minutes left, Boaz replied ‘they should find scenarios to their advantage to create maximum likelihood of success-enabled objectives’.  The Lord then translated this to ‘Cockney chancer’ and it was translated as ‘ Go and fakkin run about a bit’.  He then translated it to Wengerish and it read as ‘I did not see the incident but the opposition did not deserve to score 5 goals against us. They bullied us and fouled my superior players – the brutes, the brutes!’

And the Lord strongly suspected that Boaz was actually an android created by Aurasma to fulfil Daniel’s footballing needs.  Suddenly it all made perfect sense.  Boaz’s robotic joints occasionally seized when he was in a crouching position, and that is why Daniel brought in a German mechanic to be at Boaz’s side to oil him and maintain his parts.  A year ago, Abramovich had spent £13m on Boaz, thinking he would be a fantastic protocol droid who could entertain and astonish guests on his lavish yacht.  Only when his restraining bolts were removed, did Boaz make his way to Chelsea, where he downloaded Aurasma's new ‘manager’ software.  Daniel had purchased Boaz at a knock-down price and could save the money for the world-class striker he would never manage to sign.

And Bale approached the Lord and said the wanted to look beautiful. He said that his ears flapped in the wind and he would do anything to pin them back. And the Lord agreed, providing that Bale would survive a test of faith. Yea, and the Lord put Bale into a deep sleep.  He woke in the morning and his ears were streamlined. He rejoiced and sang hosannas to the Lord.  But being a Spurs supporter, the Lord has a dark sense of humour and did not forget his test.  And so the Lord took from the Kopites a beastly creature with unbridled aggression and no football talent.  In order to strike fear into Bale, the Lord gave the creature a mouth with teeth that looked like the windows of a derelict warehouse and ensured that Irn Bru coursed through its veins. And so on the fields of Bal-timor the creature, confused by its own ridiculous price tag, attacked Bale on his ankle. And Bale wrestled with the creature all night.  In the morning a physio of the Lord came down to tell them stop.  Bale's ligaments were sore but he had prevailed and survived his encounter with the wicked beast. And the physio touched Bale's ankle and Bale was ok.  And that is why Tottenhamites from that day to this do not eat the ligaments served by a Kopite.

And after the early light, suddenly there was darkness from the ITKs. Many Tottenhamites argued that many had got lucky with a few guesses, but all was quiet.  Darkness moved upon the surface of the deep and even Gio was talking about staying. The Tottenhamites looked at the holes in the squad and with the season starting soon, waited for Daniel to rise, do deals and accept the crown of true kingship.

The Book of Daniel - Chapter Four

The Book of Daniel - Chapter Three

The Book of Daniel - Chapter Two

The Book of Daniel

The Book of Daniel - Chapter Four

by Ryan the Perplexed

Daniel knew that his credibility depended on the success of young Boaz and so he set to work assembling a group of helpers for him. Though it was evil in the eyes of the Lord, Daniel engaged in sorcery to help Boaz, creating human-like creatures from inanimate objects to form a low-cost backroom staff.

Daniel obtained an old Pony kit stained with blood, an unhinged ferret with an unnaturally large neck and weapons-grade testosterone. He cast them all into a boiling cauldron, whispered incantations and out jumped Steffen Freund in a cloud of smoke. Freund looked around, his face turned an interesting shade of purple, and he ran up to Hudd who was taking one of his frequent rest breaks. Freund screamed various Teutonic exhortations inches from his face. Terrified, Hudd ran off, as fast as his massive legs would carry him. And so Boaz had an assistant manager.

Excited by his new found sorcery skills, Daniel obtained a satsuma, the wool of a black sheep and a crab in an attempt to revive Vinny Samways. Daniel had hoped to install Vinny as Head if Conditioning and Coaching. The experiment malfunctioned unfortunately, and instead he created a depraved Steve Sedgely, running in ever decreasing circles. Finding no use for him, Daniel installed the creature as head of the ticket office. Daniel finally abandoned the project after his third attempt ended in catastrophe, and a lumbering, stuttering abomination was created. Having no choice, Daniel made this shambles the official website, whose motto was never knowingly first to a story. Once its homepage was eventually opened, the Tottenhamites could be first hear about the signing of Jimmy Greaves from Milan and post either sarcastic or mindlessly optimistic comments in the Facebook sidebar. The Tottenhamites cried in dismay.
 
And Daniel decided to test the Tottenhamites with the launch of the new kit. Images appeared showcasing the players garbed in the Under Armour vestments. And the Tottenhamites were much vexed by this. Was the absence of Jenas a reflection of his impact on games? Were the players who looked angry or sad about to be sold? Why was VdV mysteriously moved? Was Friedel auditioning to be some comic book villain? Was Sandro imbibing noxious substances? No-one knew for sure.

And Daniel realised that like many things Sugar of Essex did when he ran the club during the 1990s, the old Spurs Lodge was cheap, nasty and not fit for purpose, much like the signing of Jason Dozzell. 

Daniel wanted Boaz to have the best training facilities. So with help of the Lord, he created a garden for him, not as far east, in Enfield. And Daniel placed the hulking frame of Kaboul at the gates to protect the Garden of Enfield by day and by night. A pack of blood crazed Tarricos were set to watch over those entering and leaving the Garden so that none would dawdle, wind down their windows and chat to the Sky Sports cameras, as was the custom of Ari.
 
And so Daniel placed in the Garden of Enfield everything Boaz needed to prepare him for his quest. Pitches, swimming pools and gyms were built, along with a cryogenic chamber to freeze the DNA of the better players and create perfect clones, as part of a new cost-effective youth policy. A wise move thought Daniel, for he could utilise the sponsors Aurasma for this, which seemed to many Tottenhamites to be another faceless multinational corporation engaged in shady, morally ambiguous scientific activities. A bit like Manchester United.
 
And so Boaz got to work, focussing on 'Dead Ball Situations', which Ari had believed to be a slapstick 1970s comedy starring Burt Reynolds. And at last a use was found for Jenas, Bentley and Gio to utilise their free kick abilities. They excelled at forming part of the wall against which the better players practised.
 
Confounded by these new ways and worried about his reputation, Ari sent his loyal disciple Joseph of Jordan to protest against the attacks against Ari's tactical abilities.
 
The Jordanite placed his teeth in his mouth and scolded the doubters 'Yea. End thy jesting about the tactics of the wise Ari. I worked with him for many years and a greater tactical mind will not be found on the face of the earth. He would study for hours thinking, scheming, about when the best time would be to phone Talksport. Ari would have sleepless nights mulling whether to go with the 'alwight lads/ down to bare bones/ 2 points from 8 games' angle. When he knew he had to win, he shifted to the 'we battered 'em/ Spurs never had it so good/ you'll ave to ask the Chairman' formation. Sometimes he could even adjust mid-game to the 'what a shot from their right back/ the keeper had a worldy/ the lads are tired' option'. But the Tottenhamites groaned and remembered Villa away.
 
And so Boaz set out to do the exact opposite of Ari to find favour in the eyes of Daniel. Whereas Ari would only talk about England instead of Spurs, Boaz would talk too much about Chelsea. Before he was banished, Ari only talked about his strained relationship with Daniel, yet Boaz would talk about his fractured relationship with the Roman. As Ari would target fourth, for Boaz, first would be targeted. If Ari would train them once a day, Boaz would train them thrice.
 
And the players were shocked at the taskmaster Boaz. Constant training meant that Benny's afro withered, and the tattoo parlours and nightclubs of Essex faced an uncertain future. For the elders amongst the squad, they recalled the days of old, under Ramos, with a modern technical Uefa cup winning manager, intense training, fitness work without end, nutritionists, statistics, and analysts. Knowing how that ended up, Daniel and all the Tottenhamites became as one and prayed to the Lord that history would not repeat itself...

Previous Chapters:

The Book of Daniel - Chapter Three

The Book of Daniel - Chapter Two

The Book of Daniel

The Book of Daniel - Chapter Three

by Ryan the Perplexed

After the demise of their beloved Ari at the hands of Daniel and the impending crowning of Boaz, the Hacks assembled their tribes from the foul swamps from whence they came. They were joined by the Goonites and Chelsea Despicables in their belief that there would be a great mutiny at the Lane. Yea, said the Hacks and the Haters, an uprising will take place, so disgusted would the Spurs players be with having to work with Boaz. The exodus will happen again.  Doom was guaranteed. They prophesised a great rebellion. The great stars would depart, Jenas would force through his move to Barca and Gio would join Seville, Pienaar would be off to Everton.  Tottenham would be left with the bare bones as Ari's prophecy predicted.  Corluka and Krank had already run off to Russia, though it was taking them a long time to get there because they both ran so incredibly slowly. Even Chirpy would be so alarmed at Boaz's treatment of Terry and Lampard, he would immolate himself with fire and oil and be consumed by Huddlestone at Chick King on the High Road - once Daniel had been forced to sell him for an undisclosed fee. None would be left. The Lane would be a wasteland, the new training ground abandoned except for some over-elaborate tactical plans, some untalented youths and an unfulfilled Project. The Hacks' false prophecy was sinful in the eyes of the Lord and, in the manner of their great leader Ari, He banished them to go and fackin run around a bit.
 
After their gloating at the Tottenhamites, the Goonites fell silent and wailed once they realised that their Holy Persie had studied Wenger the Blind's spreadsheets and, after conducting some variance analysis, concluded that his figures did not stack up.  Van Persie addressed the Goonites and told them that their future was bleak.  Talent had bred arrogance.  But then the arrogance had eaten the talent. And just a husk remained in the form of Theo Walcott.   Holy Persie announced he would seek a new flock of pathetic wretches to protect with his miracles and goals. Wenger the Blind would have to find a new Saviour.

And so Daniel spoke to Bale an a bid to entice him to stay.  Bale said he already had 3 year contract. Daniel was desperate for good news for his Tottenhamites, so told Bale he would increase his salary from £70-£90k per week.  'What do you want in return? asked Bale.  'An extra year on your contract and the number of your hairdresser' said Levy. And so it was done.

Before he could join the club, Boaz underwent a lengthy period of ritual purification to cleanse his soul from the vile impurities of Chelsea. For forty days and forty nights he bathed in scented oils. He would confess his sins to Daniel and show true penance for his sins. And Daniel prescribed punishments fitting the sins as follows; for the sin of arrogance - 40 lashes; for the sin of poor man-management - a week of fasting and good deeds; for the sin of upsetting the media - ritually shaving Martin Samuel; for the sin of tactical naivety - having to watch Chelsea win the CL on a loop for 24 hours; and for the sin of prolonged proximity to John Terry - cleansing with industrial strength detergents and a visit to a competent doctor.

And Daniel was satisfied that Boaz was his new prophet and he set about obtaining adornments for him to succeed with the Tottenhamites and fulfil his dream. A dream to build a Temple on Earth with 56,000 seats, extensive corporate hospitality and viable transport links. And so Gylfi joined, amidst much gnashing of teeth by the Kopites, who could not believe that he would chose Boaz over Brendan, just as they could not believe that it was no longer 1984 and they were no longer good.  With their riches wasted on mediocrity, they would be doomed to walk on, walk on, forever, sustained only by hope in their hearts, spearheaded by a ponytailed giant with a brain the size of a flea's dropping.

'Where is Vertonghen?' the Lord said to Daniel.  And Daniel replied 'Am I his agent's keeper? He should be announced soon'.  After much back and forth, Jan was signed. The Lord grew frustrated as he could not believe how long it took Daniel to complete a deal, for the Lord himself had managed to create the entire Universe in a week, and with lower agent's fees and less ITK leaks.

And the Tottenhamites were greatly excited by Daniel.  There were rumours within the camp that Daniel would sell part of his birthright to mysterious men of the East who had pots of gold and whom he had told that vast untapped wells of oil would be found below the club shop.  Twitters circulated the camp that these redeemers would be appearing imminently, bearing money and hope, and would strike mortal fear into the hearts of the Goonites.  The Tottenhamites waited with baited breath but nothing happened. Yet. 

But Luka was a thorn in Daniel's side, complaining that he was dreaming of Madrid and causing Daniel great discomfort when he texted him naked pictures of himself, just as Daniel was about to sit down and eat.  Luka enlisted a team of Croats to leak stories to the media about his impending departure.  It seemed that Luka was much better at scoring stories on Newsnow than he ever was at scoring goals. But the Lord hardened Daniel's heart.  He summoned Luka to his underground lair and told him that if he thought about releasing a statement like Holy Persie's, he would not be sold for four more years and be banished.  And Luka trembled but still made a glorious sideways pass. Storm clouds gathered.  Daniel stood up, waved his staff and thundered to the cowering Luka 'When was the last time you saw David Bentley? He was last seen somewhere in East London kicking balls into skips.  He tried to defy me and look what has happened to him.  Do you want to rot in the reserves? Do you want to see Tim Deadwood every day?'

Luka then bowed down and retreated, astonished at Daniel's new resolve.  Pleased with himself, Daniel ordered his chamberlain to polish his little bald head, but he was soon disrupted.

'We need a striker Daniel. Quickly' said the Lord. 'Preseason has started.  We only have Defoe. And he is on holiday. How do you expect Boaz to succeed if he has no strikers?'

And Daniel did what he always did when he was short of strikers.  He reached for his file marked 'THFC loan signings 1995-2012' and looked through the list to decide who he should sign on a permanent basis - Stephane Dalmat, Mido, Gudjonsen, Andy Booth, Adebayor, Konchesky, Frazier Campbell. Such rich pickings, Daniel thought, who should I sign...

Previous chapters:

The Book of Daniel - Chapter Two

The Book of Daniel

The Book of Daniel - Chapter Two

by Ryan the Perplexed

Yea, and Ari the Blameless was cast out into the wilderness by Daniel, amidst much crying, wailing and confusion amongst the Hacks. And the Hacks took all their gold, columns and tweets and melted them down to cast an idol of Ari who they revered as a God and who had bestowed twitches and quotes to them from the days of old. And the name of the place where the idol was erected and to where Ari was banished was called Sandbanks, because it was felt that Daniel's case gainst Ari was built upon banks of sand. This displeased Daniel greatly but he was humble and knew his tongue was quiet, his bald head shone like a jewel in the sun, and that PR was something that happened to other people.

And the Tottenhamites were in turmoil, every man against his brother and every father against son in their views over whether Daniel had done the right thing. The camp was split and feared Daniel and what he would do next.

Chaos reigned.  Who was ITK? Who was not ITK?

Many of the wise elders of the camp were  bemused by Daniel's actions, saying that stability was required and though Ari had faults, his PPG record was excellent and unless the new prophet was holier, this was a reckless move. They claimed that Daniel did not provide Ari with enough shekels and he had to work miracles amongst the old, the sick, the lame and the other January transfer window signings.

Yet the younger Tottenhamites were noisy in number and  believed Daniel had done right in their eyes, for they hated Ari and the dung that spewed forth from his mouth by day and by night. They looked upon Daniel favourably and saw he could do no wrong. They did not care for a new Temple for which Daniel had toiled to no avail. They thought the squad was worthy already. They forgot Daniels sins with Santini and Ramos and Pleat. They did not recall selling Berba for Frazier. They did not remember Rasiak. Or Bentley. Or Bunjevcevic.

And so Daniel hid in a cave and considered his options. After eating 10 rubbery smoked salmon bagels from the West Stand, Daniel fell  into a deep sleep and dreamed a dream.

He had a vision of White Hart Lane glowing and throbbing. Across the battlefield gleaming metal was held aloft, the Tottenhamites had the Rapture and rejoiced in victory. Strewn across the battlefield the shattered remnants of the Goonite hordes, broken and no more. In the dugout Wenger the Blind was destroying vessels of water beyond measure and wailed. The Goonite smugness smashed forever. The Rapture grew, the Angels of '61 sang and in the Spurs dugout was a Portuguese, who had won with Porto and managed the Chelsea Despicables. The Portuguese smiled, realising that after all his travels he had now found a home, a dynasty and a calling. He looked up at Daniel in the Director's Box and waved. The Tottenhamites took this as a sign, purchased and donned official apparel from the club shop and prostrated themselves in front of Daniel, their King crowned at last.

Daniel was ecstatic and woke knowing what he had to do.

And so after many warnings, signs and wonders, such as the unholy luck of the Despicables, the Lord spoke to Daniel.

'Daniel, did you see the vision I gave you? A way for you to be loved by your people. A way forward after the days of Ari? The Man from Porto is the One'

And Daniel replied 'Yes O Lord. I have secured the man. He was surprisingly willing and ready to come, and for a very reasonable salary and bonus plan. Andreas is just packing his male grooming kit and will be here soon.

And the Lord shook his head and Heaven groaned. 'Daniel. I meant Mourinho. My child, your people look to you for I have set you as their Leader. But you need to learn from your mistakes. Andreas was a disaster for the Despicables. He even upset their evil men, which takes some doing. He talked and talked about his Project, he is of few years, he did much worse than Ari who had less shekels and no luck. He even lost to Aston Villa. At home.'

The Lord continued 'So you've got Andreas. It could have been worse like Martinez. What else has happened? What have you done following my clear warnings and lessons? I assume Kevin the Bondsman has gone and River Jordan crossed?'

'Yes' replied Daniel. 'I have cleansed the Lane of all of Ari's disciples, even Clive the Oneseasonwonder, though his love for the Club was pure.'

'So it is' said the Lord. 'And I hope you got rid of Tim Deadwood too. And no return to the DOF system. It has never worked in the PL. You were closest to glory and honour without a DOF confusing, meddling and stopping the manager doing his job and giving you somewhere to hide from your people. Why are you scared and what are you scared of? You should assemble the people, speak to the Tottenhamites and show them the way to redemption. You may try to hide, Daniel, but I am the Lord. I can find you easily.  I just have to turn up to the AGM. I hope that you have learned these lessons now Daniel, as you try to lead the Tottenhamites to the Promised Land with your 7th prophet in eleven years?'

But Daniel was silent and gulped uneasily. He looked at his calendar. It was two months and eleven days until his own personal transfer window opened at 11.50pm on 31 August and lasted for just 10 minutes.

Plenty of time to sit and wait...

Read Chapter One here.