The Book of Daniel - Chapter Five
Wednesday, August 1, 2012 at 9:07PM by Ryan the perplexed
And so after many years of service to his people and visits to the doctor, King Ledley finally rested at Mt Kneebo. The Tottenhamites paused and reflected on the end of an era. He was humble, gracious, supremely talented, lightning quick. Everything the Great Sinner Terry was not. And yet Terry had the luck of Heaven and Prince Ledley had the luck of Hell. And so Daniel donned his priestly vestments and took Ledley onto Mt Kneebo, which overlooked the promised land of regular CL football and subjugation of the Goonite hordes.
‘Look at this land before you Ledley’ said Daniel. ‘This is the golden future of the Club’ And Ledley became greatly distressed as Daniel seemed to be pointing at Harry Kane. ‘No –not him. He’s useless. See there on that far mountain, a small man with ginger hair and a neatly trimmed beard is talking to the players. His name is Boaz and he had one good year at Porto and has managed the British Virgin islands in the Maccabi Champions League.’ And Ledley looked, shook his head sadly and devoted the rest of his days to the Hotspur Foundation and the Darren Anderton Institute for Sports Science.
And Daniel was proud of making Boaz a Tottenhamite and brought him before the Lord to dazzle Him with his football wisdom. Daniel asked Boaz to explain to the Lord about bringing Bale into the game more. And before Boaz could speak, the Lord placed a small frog inside Boaz’s mouth for His own amusement.
‘Felicitations Holy One’ began Boaz. ‘We plan to introduce Bale more rigourously on the more vacant placements on pitch <cough>.
And the Lord turned to Daniel and said ‘I have no idea what he is saying’.
But Boaz continued ‘ It is imperative that Bale finds and creates <croak> outlets for attack-minded runs in order to create dissonance within the minds of the opposition. We intend to <splutter> utilise retro-functioning runs by the more advanced players –to alter the targeting of the defenders. That is my project. Here is my pencil case.’
And the Lord said ‘What does that mean?’ And Daniel said ‘ I have no idea but it sounds impressive doesn’t Oh Lord? There can be no comparison between the wise verbiage of Boaz with the tics and twitterings of Ari.’
And the Lord mulled over this for a while and opened up Google Translate on his Godphone. He changed the settings to translate from ‘Technical Waffle’ to just ‘English’ and used this to translate the words of Boaz. When the Lord ask Boaz what would his advice be to strikers when bringing them on with 10 minutes left, Boaz replied ‘they should find scenarios to their advantage to create maximum likelihood of success-enabled objectives’. The Lord then translated this to ‘Cockney chancer’ and it was translated as ‘ Go and fakkin run about a bit’. He then translated it to Wengerish and it read as ‘I did not see the incident but the opposition did not deserve to score 5 goals against us. They bullied us and fouled my superior players – the brutes, the brutes!’
And the Lord strongly suspected that Boaz was actually an android created by Aurasma to fulfil Daniel’s footballing needs. Suddenly it all made perfect sense. Boaz’s robotic joints occasionally seized when he was in a crouching position, and that is why Daniel brought in a German mechanic to be at Boaz’s side to oil him and maintain his parts. A year ago, Abramovich had spent £13m on Boaz, thinking he would be a fantastic protocol droid who could entertain and astonish guests on his lavish yacht. Only when his restraining bolts were removed, did Boaz make his way to Chelsea, where he downloaded Aurasma's new ‘manager’ software. Daniel had purchased Boaz at a knock-down price and could save the money for the world-class striker he would never manage to sign.
And Bale approached the Lord and said the wanted to look beautiful. He said that his ears flapped in the wind and he would do anything to pin them back. And the Lord agreed, providing that Bale would survive a test of faith. Yea, and the Lord put Bale into a deep sleep. He woke in the morning and his ears were streamlined. He rejoiced and sang hosannas to the Lord. But being a Spurs supporter, the Lord has a dark sense of humour and did not forget his test. And so the Lord took from the Kopites a beastly creature with unbridled aggression and no football talent. In order to strike fear into Bale, the Lord gave the creature a mouth with teeth that looked like the windows of a derelict warehouse and ensured that Irn Bru coursed through its veins. And so on the fields of Bal-timor the creature, confused by its own ridiculous price tag, attacked Bale on his ankle. And Bale wrestled with the creature all night. In the morning a physio of the Lord came down to tell them stop. Bale's ligaments were sore but he had prevailed and survived his encounter with the wicked beast. And the physio touched Bale's ankle and Bale was ok. And that is why Tottenhamites from that day to this do not eat the ligaments served by a Kopite.
And after the early light, suddenly there was darkness from the ITKs. Many Tottenhamites argued that many had got lucky with a few guesses, but all was quiet. Darkness moved upon the surface of the deep and even Gio was talking about staying. The Tottenhamites looked at the holes in the squad and with the season starting soon, waited for Daniel to rise, do deals and accept the crown of true kingship.
The Book of Daniel - Chapter Four
The Book of Daniel - Chapter Three
The Book of Daniel - Chapter Two
Reader Comments (18)
LOL sooo funny !
Off subject but we need to make a move for Butland before someone else does! Just hope we sent scouts to watch him tonight he is Class and English!! had a few wayward passes but they can be ironed out...
Hilarious
Wow! You should write books... or just keep blogging about Spurs! Great entertainment!
"In order to strike fear into Bale, the Lord gave the creature a mouth with teeth that looked like the windows of a derelict warehouse..." LOL!
best yet. The harry kane bit pure genius. funny but with a clear undercurrent of panic at the lack of a striker signing!
Right lads......u had ur few day's of fun ringing bells in the stock exchange and playing Fifa at the train station,now it's time for knuckling down and making Andres new "project" work........i have confidence that the Goalie/central midfield maestro
and the 2 world class strikers will see us achieve great things.....................what do u mean we haven't bought any of them yet!!!!!!!!
...and Rowe beget,Nicholson,who beget Burkinshaw who beget Pleat who beget (I ferget) and so it came to pass (nobody else could) that King Harry took over he didnt beget anyone but he did ferget the bench.
Time to bench.
"He then translated it to Wengerish and it read as ‘I did not see the incident but the opposition did not deserve to score 5 goals against us.".......
Brilliant work Spooky this style of writing is superb and I'm sure that Wengers' head has been buried in the book of lamentations recently...what, another season without any silverware and the imminent departure of van persilus to consider. Tut..Tut. Sackcloth and ashes time imo!
This Tottenhamite loves your work my friend. Stay blessed!
Im worried, just look what the scum up the road have as an attacking force when there all fit,Cardoza (soon) Podolski, Giroud, Van Persie (well for a few days)Chamack, Gervhino, Ramsey, Wiltsher, walcott, Arteta, Chamberlain, Rosicki (spelling)
Now I hate to blow that mobs trumpet but i dont think there finished spending just yet! most are ball players with speed and movememnt, were selling half of our squad and as i have said before anything happens to Bale or Lennon and we are fucked!
Top 7 this year i think.
...and so verily did the son Fergu come knocking on the Temple doors and offer all manna of gifts for the lost sole of Godrich (for he had oft performed this previously for the son Tov Berba). Though Godrich had sort to travel to foreign lands and cloaked in white would he then try to smite his enemies. The great Profit Daniel decreed that many duckets were to be forthcoming in order for this miracle to occur...and so it came to pass....
First Book of Daniel - brilliant, but perhaps overdoing it a bit now? As for Ledley King versus John Terry, well Ledley may be a lovely chap for all I know, but Terry (who may equally well be a total bastard) led his club to success that we can only dream of, and did it on the field season after season, not playing the odd couple of games (however elegantly) now and then, like King. Teams that win things don't build their hopes round serially crocked players like King (or Huddlestone, or Lennon, or Dawson etc etc).
Isn't it nice that there is darkness from the ITKs?----at the end of the day most of their waffle is made up to simply stir up the punters. So let there be darkess until the season starts!!
A great piece. I would feel a lot better if the Modric saga was over. I always hated Soap Operas. A striker or two would not go amiss. Incidentally, what does AVB keep in his pencil case? Lets hope that it is a plan B, so catastrophically lacking last season. Keep up the good work.
The purchasing of two world class strikers has now shifted from
URGENT to EMERGENCY
AVB holds talks to establish Modric's state of mind
A finger presses a button somewhere in London. Bzzzz...
' Hello Luka Moderick ressidence, who is it' ?
Hello Luka it's Andre, I've brought doctor Shimts with me, can you let us in please' ?
' Errrr, sorri (voice becomes higher) but luka he not here, he's, he's at the dentist, sorri'.
Luka don't be afraid, it's dr Smits here, now calm down and open he door, no one is going to hurt you, I promise.
Voice returns to normal - 'is Levy with you' ?
No luka, he's in the car.
'where car'?
It's here luka, look out of the window.
'muffled screams'
Luka? Luka? Luka? Oh fcuk it, let's try again tomorrow.
And so following the tournament of the Cup of New York, the Lord asked the prophet Boaz:
"What say thou on your faithful servant Gylfi of the Icemanites being chosen as thy spearhead of the 4-3-3 or
4-5-1 formation, in the forthcoming League season in the final year of the Barclays Sponsorship Era?"
Boaz thought for a moment, a long moment, and he thought back to when Bale came to pass.
He gaveth his beard a light trim while deciding and said "Spirito Santi, thou art right! I can think not of an agreeable wage
for thy dissident loanee of Adebayor of the Arsenalites"...a revelation was then prophesied...
Great how these posts make all of us want to write little pieces in the same style.
I guess you do have a gift for writing, spooky -