The Book of Daniel - Chapter Three
Thursday, July 12, 2012 at 10:06PM by Ryan the Perplexed
After the demise of their beloved Ari at the hands of Daniel and the impending crowning of Boaz, the Hacks assembled their tribes from the foul swamps from whence they came. They were joined by the Goonites and Chelsea Despicables in their belief that there would be a great mutiny at the Lane. Yea, said the Hacks and the Haters, an uprising will take place, so disgusted would the Spurs players be with having to work with Boaz. The exodus will happen again. Doom was guaranteed. They prophesised a great rebellion. The great stars would depart, Jenas would force through his move to Barca and Gio would join Seville, Pienaar would be off to Everton. Tottenham would be left with the bare bones as Ari's prophecy predicted. Corluka and Krank had already run off to Russia, though it was taking them a long time to get there because they both ran so incredibly slowly. Even Chirpy would be so alarmed at Boaz's treatment of Terry and Lampard, he would immolate himself with fire and oil and be consumed by Huddlestone at Chick King on the High Road - once Daniel had been forced to sell him for an undisclosed fee. None would be left. The Lane would be a wasteland, the new training ground abandoned except for some over-elaborate tactical plans, some untalented youths and an unfulfilled Project. The Hacks' false prophecy was sinful in the eyes of the Lord and, in the manner of their great leader Ari, He banished them to go and fackin run around a bit.
After their gloating at the Tottenhamites, the Goonites fell silent and wailed once they realised that their Holy Persie had studied Wenger the Blind's spreadsheets and, after conducting some variance analysis, concluded that his figures did not stack up. Van Persie addressed the Goonites and told them that their future was bleak. Talent had bred arrogance. But then the arrogance had eaten the talent. And just a husk remained in the form of Theo Walcott. Holy Persie announced he would seek a new flock of pathetic wretches to protect with his miracles and goals. Wenger the Blind would have to find a new Saviour.
And so Daniel spoke to Bale an a bid to entice him to stay. Bale said he already had 3 year contract. Daniel was desperate for good news for his Tottenhamites, so told Bale he would increase his salary from £70-£90k per week. 'What do you want in return? asked Bale. 'An extra year on your contract and the number of your hairdresser' said Levy. And so it was done.
Before he could join the club, Boaz underwent a lengthy period of ritual purification to cleanse his soul from the vile impurities of Chelsea. For forty days and forty nights he bathed in scented oils. He would confess his sins to Daniel and show true penance for his sins. And Daniel prescribed punishments fitting the sins as follows; for the sin of arrogance - 40 lashes; for the sin of poor man-management - a week of fasting and good deeds; for the sin of upsetting the media - ritually shaving Martin Samuel; for the sin of tactical naivety - having to watch Chelsea win the CL on a loop for 24 hours; and for the sin of prolonged proximity to John Terry - cleansing with industrial strength detergents and a visit to a competent doctor.
And Daniel was satisfied that Boaz was his new prophet and he set about obtaining adornments for him to succeed with the Tottenhamites and fulfil his dream. A dream to build a Temple on Earth with 56,000 seats, extensive corporate hospitality and viable transport links. And so Gylfi joined, amidst much gnashing of teeth by the Kopites, who could not believe that he would chose Boaz over Brendan, just as they could not believe that it was no longer 1984 and they were no longer good. With their riches wasted on mediocrity, they would be doomed to walk on, walk on, forever, sustained only by hope in their hearts, spearheaded by a ponytailed giant with a brain the size of a flea's dropping.
'Where is Vertonghen?' the Lord said to Daniel. And Daniel replied 'Am I his agent's keeper? He should be announced soon'. After much back and forth, Jan was signed. The Lord grew frustrated as he could not believe how long it took Daniel to complete a deal, for the Lord himself had managed to create the entire Universe in a week, and with lower agent's fees and less ITK leaks.
And the Tottenhamites were greatly excited by Daniel. There were rumours within the camp that Daniel would sell part of his birthright to mysterious men of the East who had pots of gold and whom he had told that vast untapped wells of oil would be found below the club shop. Twitters circulated the camp that these redeemers would be appearing imminently, bearing money and hope, and would strike mortal fear into the hearts of the Goonites. The Tottenhamites waited with baited breath but nothing happened. Yet.
But Luka was a thorn in Daniel's side, complaining that he was dreaming of Madrid and causing Daniel great discomfort when he texted him naked pictures of himself, just as Daniel was about to sit down and eat. Luka enlisted a team of Croats to leak stories to the media about his impending departure. It seemed that Luka was much better at scoring stories on Newsnow than he ever was at scoring goals. But the Lord hardened Daniel's heart. He summoned Luka to his underground lair and told him that if he thought about releasing a statement like Holy Persie's, he would not be sold for four more years and be banished. And Luka trembled but still made a glorious sideways pass. Storm clouds gathered. Daniel stood up, waved his staff and thundered to the cowering Luka 'When was the last time you saw David Bentley? He was last seen somewhere in East London kicking balls into skips. He tried to defy me and look what has happened to him. Do you want to rot in the reserves? Do you want to see Tim Deadwood every day?'
Luka then bowed down and retreated, astonished at Daniel's new resolve. Pleased with himself, Daniel ordered his chamberlain to polish his little bald head, but he was soon disrupted.
'We need a striker Daniel. Quickly' said the Lord. 'Preseason has started. We only have Defoe. And he is on holiday. How do you expect Boaz to succeed if he has no strikers?'
And Daniel did what he always did when he was short of strikers. He reached for his file marked 'THFC loan signings 1995-2012' and looked through the list to decide who he should sign on a permanent basis - Stephane Dalmat, Mido, Gudjonsen, Andy Booth, Adebayor, Konchesky, Frazier Campbell. Such rich pickings, Daniel thought, who should I sign...
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Reader Comments (29)
Brilliant !
You should be a novel writer Spooks! Epic, very epic indeed........COYS
Well done, Ryan, excellent!
Kudos to Ryan the Perplexed.
get someone to put this into a comic book............ i'd subscribe!
Keep them coming.
Hilarious! Really excellent
Nice one, I suppose we could do like Spain and play all midfielders.
@ whoever
When I was a lad, I was led to believe I could be an astronaut, and so spent some time squinting at the moon. We lived Kentish town. I now know that no one form Kentish town ever made it to the moon.
Dreams are great, but at one point you’ve got to take a look around you and face the realities of your environment.
The evidence is plain to see, AVB is class, a tactician, and a great communicator, and more importantly does not own a Range Rover! Then we have Levy who seems to be loathed to do anything quickly other than sack managers. You describe Oscar’s signing as a punt, but surely the punt here is not releasing funds for AVB to build pre season. ABV must have assessed his team, and have known the positions he needs to upgrade or pad out. So why, with a tour to America fast approaching have we not acted?
Appearing in the tabloids announcing 'we’re challenging for the title' is naïve, and fcuking reckless, he has no idea what our full squad selection will consist of, and even then lets be realistic please. If we’d have invested in a MACHINE at Christmas we’d have finished 3rd – nailed on. But we didn’t, we borrowed two old age pensioners because apprantlly Redknapp went mental and asked for Tevez, what a twat, what was he thinking, and naturally everyone laughed.
My frustration is tangible, we have, it would seem a Renaissance painter, with a great bit of canvas, so Levy, what's it going to be mate, water colours, or oil!!!
Brilliant. Andy Booth! I'd forgotten all about him...
Saw Mido the other day, he was looking trim and ready for action.
The new body armour kit reduces the hips by 10%
That made I chuckle that did
@ Wisky Tom - DL needs the cash from modric before he can splash out large. Your frustration is understandable given recent transfer windows, but to expect everything in place before the U.S. tour is stretching things.
What is reckless is the thought of making Ade our highest earner. I see no sense in that, in fact I don`t see him as a decent option in a fluid 4 3 3 . Surely we need a pure pacey finisher with an eye for the off side line. Ade`s signing is the type of thing that happens in haste.
Before banging on about DL`s responsibilities, consider your own for a moment. I bet I`m not alone in constantly refreshing this site waiting for your next post, they are the cyber space equivalent of LSD flashbacks. You go AWOL for days, then you turn up mumpy all day. Are you Dimitar Berbatov?
Cheer yourself up man - take a look at l`arse`s away kit launch, calm down and bring the old Tom back. Please.
I must say you always raise a smile when you do pieces like this. A combination of humour and sense brilliantly written satire. i am sure this season will have its ups and downs but your stuff is consistently good.
Ryan you have missed your true vocation in life, I am an author and would have been proud to have written your articles, well done look forward to more, very witty mate. As to content, well the Lord moves in mysterious ways his wonders to behold! Yes I do believe he is shining his light down upon WHL and showing the way forward using Daniel as his staff. Boaz will now make the commandments for his followers to obey, while us the true believers pray for them to work. It helps a little that the Lord made sure there was a Welsh Druid within the flock to help sprinkle a little magic, for he hath remembered all previous successful Tottenhamite flocks contained such magicians. COYS
I just absolutely love this. Thanks again, spooky. Keep up the excellent work, mate.
Oops, I just realise this series is written by Ryan the Perplexed. Guest writer I take it. Excellent job.
Sorry Spooky/Ryan but nothing can clear John "Turrets" Terry from someone's soul.
Well Maybe he can wear his shin pads on this.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wcW_Ygs6hm0&feature=youtu.be
.......Clive Allen and Les Ferdinand.
excellent spooky, great read as always COYS
"Corluka and Krank had already run off to Russia, though it was taking them a long time to get there because they both ran so incredibly slowly."
Brilliant that is! LOLROTFGU (Giggling Uncontrolably)
moe.
Here's the thing. I'm a lunatic, I also suffer from SAD (Spurs Affective Disorder). It's like Rabies but without the foam. Like most lunatics I feel that I can see into the future by looking into the past. I also stare, at ceilings, mirrors, postmen, and next doors cat. My disorder is treatable, but not curable, and I'm under constant observation. (if you're reading this babe, happy birthday). I hope this overview of my affliction allays any fears of unrest, it's just transference
Our club's moto is ' To Dare Is To Do' whereas Levy's seems to be ' To do'.
Spooky, if you should ever write a novel pls let me know so that I can place my order early since I am half a world away (Singapore).
Bang on form! Verily.
An angel of the Board appeared to them, and the glory of the Board shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of Tottingham a Savior has been born to you; he will be known as Emmanual.
Sheer genius read it twice n still cant stop laughing!!!
Exceptionally written. Can't stop laughing :-D
Wisky Tom
Thanks for clearing that up, always dreaded approaching your letter box. Your stare is very disconcerting when accompanied by the gentle rocking back and forth.
Seriously, check out the goons new away kit it`s the cherry on top of a superb week for us.
COYAVBGSJVEAUAS!
Spooky..thought as everyone else has i would come on here and blow some smoke up yer arse....only joking..quality read...enjoy the week off.