The Book of Daniel - Chapter Six - The End
Tuesday, September 4, 2012 at 9:31PM by Ryan the Perplexed
It was just two weeks to go before the season started. The Tottenhamites were restless. They prayed. They repented. They worried. It was their custom since the dawn of time. Boaz asked Daniel how the negotiations were going regarding the striker signing. ‘Fantastic’ replied Daniel. ‘We have bid £7m and they will accept £8m. Not far to go now.'
The next day, Boaz asked Daniel if the deal had been agreed. Daniel replied ‘Yes. We settled on £7.5m’ And so Boaz was pleased.
The day after, Boaz asked Daniel if the player had completed a medical. Daniel said ‘Not yet – I have reduced our offer to £6.5m in instalments, which includes a performance bonus and part-payment in WH Smith vouchers which expire in 4 days. I am confident they will accept.’
And the next day the deal was dead and Daniel’s efforts whistled in the wind. And the end of days loomed when the season started and the squad was weak. False prophets arose proclaiming 4 signings in one day, an end to hunger, world peace and the demise of Mark Lawrenson in fiery furnace. And the false prophets cried and squealed when the Tottenhamites turned upon them in great numbers when their prophecies did not come to pass. 'Things change' they howled. It was true, things do change, but not always for the better.
Yea, there was truly only one ITK and he was Daniel, but many suspected that Daniel did not know much after all, rendering the entire exercise rather meaningless.
And so Boaz was greatly vexed by the actions of Daniel. The promises of squad rebuilding became the dismal reality of failed brinkmanship. Boaz sojourned in the training ground where he watched balls bounce harmlessly off the heads of Defoe and Kane and prepared a midfield of Livermore and Jenas. And even BAE started dreaming dreams about the lack of strikers. He became a Nazirite, refusing to bathe, cut his hair or tweet until a striker had been signed. The camp was in utter disarray as the transfer deadline approached, and Daniel spent his time sourcing fax paper which would be the most likely to jam in the machine at 10.57pm on 31 August. Transfer windows came and went. Vanity of vanity, all was Daniel's vanity. There is nothing new under the golden cockerel gleaming in the sun.
And Ari found employment in management again in a job suited to his ways. As brand ambassador for Bettaq247's online management and gambling game he had found his true calling. He even found jobs for the Bondsman and Jordan in the call centre, where they shared jokes and stories about what might have been with Juande Ramos and Jacques Santini, who had found employment in the admin and HR deptartments.
And the Lord came back from his all-inclusive holiday in Torremolinos and was keen to know what progress had made with signings. 'Don't worry my Lord' replied Daniel. 'I am pleased to say that the Club are much stronger than last season. We have agreed deals with software developers, caterers, toilet cleaners and kit manufacturers. No-one can doubt these huge achievements'.
'Oh' said the Lord. 'What about the football side?' And Daniel drew himself up to a great height, puffed out is chest and proclaimed:
'My Lord. We have agreed a partnership with Real Madrid'
'But what does that mean?' said the Lord.
And Daniel replied 'it means they can have first choice on all our players, have free membership of One Hotspur Bronze, have parking permits on the High Road, and we can hide the fact of Luka's sale in the some sort of botched PR spin'.
'Hmm...' said the Lord, 'botched - that is a word many of the Tottenhamites associate with your efforts. What about Moutinho? We are sitting on huge amounts of cash from the sales of the last 3 transfer windows. We have lost two world class players in Modric and VdV. Boaz needs Moutinho to work his system - which is the one of the reasons why he failed at Chelsea.'
'We will try' said Daniel. And so the clouds gathered at Spurs Lodge. The skies darkened. Outside there was a gathering of teenage chavs, taxi drivers and Sky Sports news teams. No one came in. No one came out. Eventually Daniel brought forth Dembele and a goalkeeper. He even stole Dempsey whilst the Kopites weren't looking. The irony. But there was a large gap. It was called world-class creativity. Embodied by Moutinho. The deadline passed. The Tottenhamites hung their heads it despair. Another 'almost' signing. Of course. The more things changed, the more they stayed the same.
'What happened?' said the Lord.
'We just couldn't agree a deal' said Daniel. 'We had known that we were losing Modric for the past 14 months and needed a world class playmaker. When the clock struck 10.50pm, I was just not prepared to pay the bank transfer fees. Boaz was most upset. Don't worry we have signed Clint Dempsey and Harry Kane is off to Norwich to work in their mail order warehouse.'
The task of Boaz was made much harder by Daniel's actions. Boaz talked more and more about player's particular dimensions - as humans, beasts or attacking half wing backs. It was all very hard to understand, and the Tottenhamites feared that Boaz was a manager of less than average dimensions when it came to success.
And the Lord was greatly displeased with Daniel and his efforts to lead his people to freedom. Even Daniel's loyal followers started to doubt the trust they had placed in him. All had grown weary of Daniel's inability to look at the bigger picture, to take the next step and to act like a man of ambition rather than just talk like one. As the wise elders amongst the Tottenhamites had realised, for over a decade Daniel had sold well, bought well only in patches and the less said about most of his managerial appoinments, the better.
Yea and to many Tottenhamites, it seemed that their support of the club taught them lessons they could use all the days of their lives. And thus the Tottenhamites assembled and enshrined their 8 proverbs on a scroll:
1) Never trust information from a supposed ITK who won’t name names, constantly promises vague delights, and uses idiotic winks and smileys ;) to communicate.
2) If Spurs have a goal lead to defend and there is about 5 mins to go, it is better to accept sedation rather than witness the inevitable horror unfold, if a Tottenhamite values their health.
3) There is no more soul-destroying announcement than ‘Half-time substitution by Spurs – Gareth Bale off, Jermaine Jenas on’.
4) Unless they work on the London Underground, a Tottenhamite must never utter the following words in sequence again if they do not want incur the wrath of the Almighty – Mind. The. Gap.
5) Tottenhamite Transfer windows are much like the phases of love – evaluation, optimism, small success, unsubstantiated optimism, frustration, anger, hysteria, disappointment and finally dismal acceptance.
6) Tottenham will always have 4 right backs but never enough wide midfielders.
7) The earth is made of 5 indestructible elements - earth, wind, fire, air and David Bentley.
8) If a man wants success he should support Man Utd. If a man wants good football he should support Barcelona. If a man wants to blindly agree with everything their manager says he should support Arsenal. If a man sees John Terry as a positive role model he should support Chelsea and seek counselling. If a man wants to see his club never miss an opportunity to miss an opportunity then he should support Tottenham.
And the scroll was bound in a surplus Pony kit circa 1997 and displayed before the Tottenhamites who read from the scroll every week.
And so Daniel looked back at his efforts over the summer and the previous decade and was proud of all his works. Yet the Lord and the Tottenhamites were less so. So Daniel was better than Alan Sugar and that was about it. Great things were promised by Daniel – a 60k capacity temple, brilliant managers, world-class players and regular CL campaigns and titles. Instead the Tottenhamites received a new toilet in the North Stand, Jacques Santini, Grezgorz Rasiak and one Carling Cup. Many prayers were offered to Daniel but he could only answer few. A great burden was placed on his shoulders. That is the burden of leadership and following the ways of the Lord. Only those who truly Dare end up Doing.
And thus ends – for the time being at least – the Book of Daniel, written by the humble hand of the scribe Ryan the Perplexed. He hopes that you enjoyed the journey with him, as we watched Daniel navigate his way through a summer of choppy seas – his little round bald head flashing like a belisha beacon, silently lighting the way whilst the Tottenhamites waited to cross the road into a new season, hoping that the approaching juggernaut of hope braked in time, and they all got on and drove together into the warm embrace of the setting sun.
Come on ye Spurs.
Previous chapters:
The Book of Daniel - Chapter Five
The Book of Daniel - Chapter Four
The Book of Daniel - Chapter Three
Reader Comments (43)
Best so far
Face it, getting rid of Harry was the biggest mistake in English football for years.
Come on ye spurs... Levy was never the glory, nor was Modric, nor rafa, not even the holiest of the holy, the king. The glory was in the grass, in the ball, in the stands, in the lungs, in the voices, in the hearts and minds of every yid across the globe crying out with one voice... COME ON YE SPURS... Well make it through. Together.
let the boo's ring in Levy's ears next home game !
The End? Surely January will see a fire and brimstone laden Chapter 7 as the transfer window reopens only to reveal Spurs sinking deeper into the depths of hell and relegation?
Blinding !
Blinding, and oh so true.
Menz you are a c**t sir.
To quote..."Oh Tottenham, my Tottenham..." blah blah blah, Never been about the winning, always been about the daring more than the doing. Have always "loved the shirt" always will do - c'mon youuuuu Spuuuurs!
Amen nice read
We have to be very careful now. If it all falls apart then Daniel may bring in a manager to rescue us from despair and remember, Mick McCarthy is still available. Oh the wailing of lost souls can be heard across eternity.
I've enjoyed The Book of Daniel. Nice work Ryan!
@Menz. Face it Harrys gone (for better or for worse). Get on with supporting the club. Frankly I don't see how you can possibly have reached that judgement after 3 games in transition, but each to their own. What possible benefit is there to discussing whether we should or should have not sacked the manager? Support who we have, don't undermine (that is not the same as being blindly optimistic btw)
looks like civil war on the stands can't ever remember this !
' in transition ' , we never needed to be ' in transition ' ready made squad for the Champion's league push next season (by default of Chelski )! just a few tweaks here and there! we now have a disjointed squad with Bale ready to listen in Jan ! My God!
In a rather odd way its a suitable summing up of Levy, apart from the suggestion that AVB has a system that could be worked. AVB really really hasn't got a clue and come the day when we shall ALL come to this realisation, then maybe we can move on but only if Levy returns from the insanity of his dream world.. well that's not going to happen, so were doomed. He's probably thinking right now, if only we had Comolli back, surely we could buy Messi for a Sainsbury's club card full of points...
And Bravo 'Menz' or said "Face it, getting rid of Harry was the biggest mistake in English football for years." Oh yes some sanity does exist, thank you for restoring some faith in my fellow fan... Now let me remember how many times was it last season on those oh so fruitfull Saturday nights listening to Hansen et-all on MOTD describe us as the most exciting team in the land.. or am I dreaming, was it so, yes it really was, we really did have a manager capable of taking my Tottenham from the pit of medicoracy of the previous 20 years and give us hope again, we even for a brief period challenged them, yes them that offer a player lots of the shiny spangly wonger to play for their team, yet some how us, with out limited budgets challenged at last for the table top... But no, it wasn't enough for our Mr Levy, fantastic football, continual praise from the media and another top 4 finish, and absolute evidence that we would continue to progress, nooo not enough Mr Levy, why of course let's hire a man who f**ked up one of rivals, ha ha maybe it was all a plan! ... Imagine just what could have been with 'arry the great, you never know we may have made a champions league quarter final and beat the likes of Inter & Milan... but well if only he'd achieved that in the first 2 full season maybe it'll all still be rosy... ohh hangon, one of my memory cells has erupted, let me pinch myself.. could it be true, naaa don't be silly, not even Levy is that stupid to have sacked a manager who had achieved all that... could he?
Yes, menz, we had the perfect squad ......... that's why we got so many points in the second half of the season, gave away a big lead over the Arse, and lost CL, Modric and VdV. It all makes perfect sense .... in your dreams.
Brilliant. Super. Kudos.
That. Is. Very. Very. Funny. Stuff.
Menz be trolling
'TommyHarmer', do you not realise that we were in the position of 10, 12 whatever points clear of the Arse etc for the first time in any of our memory's probably lifetimes, yes we had a downturn in the latter part of the season, but what went before that in the season is something we've never seen the likes of here in modern times. It was Harry that created that and delivered it and would only have gone on the achieve more of it. I'm bemused why your attitude is all about the negativity of last season and not on the immense positive that was achieved... and tell me when before Harry have we ever seen that level of football and achievement in any part of any season ? You think AVB could do what Harry done for us... never, ever going to happen, you all wait, you will see... ! I have so many facts, just one for now, Scotty P who was immense for us last season, would he have been here without Harry, No!, he had to almost beg 'Levy the invincible' to sign him. What's our highest earner on per week? Not enough to attract the players to challenge the big spenders... not with Levy's transfer tactics, yet still for a period last season we kept pace with them, doubt we'll see that again for a very long time, not at least until we are post the Levy-AVB debacle era and someone has had time to untangle their mess...
I just cant believe you doom and gloomers.."boo from the stands" WTF??? Get behiind them or piss off and support the Mancs. Its Tottenham by God......Only need to yell COYS...all for one..
Its not just the team that get you over the line, its the manager, the supporters, the ball boys, people working in the Spurs shop, everyone in the ground, acting as one for a common cause....Can't we do it together and make something special happen...Yid Yid Yid
Great article following the previous ones, well done. Content?? well Its obviously emptied the can of worms right out the tin. My thoughts, well after consulting the oracle, PATIENCE. There will be plenty of time to critise in November if the form has,nt improved and AVB,s style of play is,nt working. As for Daniel, bless him!!! he is a trier?? He tries the patience of Job!! Spurs fans and everyone else connected to the world of football, BUT he does have the club at heart I,m sure. Maybe the answer is, that heart needs softening a bit when handling the monies? Or perhaps Mr lewis,s gun requires removing from Levys head, anyone thought of that yet???????????
Quality work, Ryan.
Fellas, don't let a few naysayers drag us down...and quit feeding the trolls. If you would have asked me in after the CL Final if I would have been happy with a sexy new manager (who hated Chelsea as much as I do), a sexy new training ground, Siggy, Vert, Demebele, Dempsey, Lloris, Ade on a perm, and a Bale extension...I would have asked why we hadn't signed a partnership with a top club in Spain.
So relax and quit jerkin' yer knees about. It's embarrassing.
Interesting article in The Guardian about the Mountinho transfer. Would seem to suggest that Daniel was not at fault. HOWEVER, my problem with this is that bearing in mind the pivitol importance of this signing then it should have been done and dusted well before the 11th hour. This is just rank bad management strategy from Levy because he now has a manager in place with a plan that cannot be implemented. That is where he has screwed up and it is only Daniel's fault.
As for the troll, well trolls are:"...beings described as trolls dwell in isolated rocks, mountains, or caves, live together in small family units, and are rarely helpful to human beings...."
Guardian article: http://www.guardian.co.uk/football/2012/sep/04/tottenham-hotspur-joao-moutinho
I am going to sue for this libel
I just hope the lawsuit is filed before the limitation period runs out. Those bloody lawyers and their insistence on being paid the full amount.
Good work.....again. Levy does have something to answer for but I'm just not sure what.
Spooky, - you are a master with words !
Lets All transplant positive vibes to AVB and The Players !
What happend in the past,makes absolutely no difference whatsoever !
It's all about the future...
Love The Shirt Love The Spurs !
Another excellent and observant article. HR was outspoken, tactically out of his depth at times, never rotated, failed to give some good players adequate game time, never used the bench properly, lost focus BUT we played some of the best football in the PL under him. We were the CLASS team of the PL for a couple of seasons. However he was never going to win the PL or CL as it was a step too far for him. But exciting, attacking, free flowing football he DID deliver. The best we have played for many a long year. A Spurs game was always good value for money. So what's happened? Is DL the problem? We have lost Modric, King, VDV but have bought in 6 new players that look good on paper. In fact all six looked good last season. They must have been or DL would not have bought them. I don't think DL is the problem, he may be tight fisted and leaves everything to the last minute, but that does not explain why, for the first three games of the season, we have played like headless chickens, with no sense of purpose, running around in ever decreasing circles until they finally disappeared up their own arse leaving Brad to salvage a point. If that style of play is what is required to win the PL then lets not win it and revert to the CLASS act we were. At least we had value for money.
"He even stole Dempsey whilst the Kopites weren't looking. The irony."
LOL moment. First one in weeks when reading Spurs blogs so thanks.
It is all about tactics ON the field. What worked well at one club in another country does not mean it will work well somewhere else. It depends on the league and the caliber of the players that you have at your disposal. Whereas tactics can turn a mediocre team into a good team, it can also work in reverse. It can turn a team of world beaters into a mediocre team. It's simply a matter of getting everyone singing from the same hymn sheet. Someone is off key. I know who it is. It's not DL and it's not the players, they would have to try awfully hard to play like that. If I prove to be wrong I will gladly eat humble pie on this site at the end of the season. I will state that we will end up closer to spot 17 than spot 1 unless something changes very quickly.
A superb read - excellent!
Surely there's some chance things will improve?
So there's a bunch of Tottenham fans who think it's all going to be OK. And another bunch who currently disagree. That's your right to belong to either group.
What I can't/won't accept is the utter bollocks about 'transition seasons'. Where's it written that it's somehow to OK to finish mid-table while the new manager beds-in ? Can't recall ManU finishing outside the top 4 in one of their many transition seasons; or, God help us, Arsenal. ManC's 'transitional seasons' propelled them from mediocrity to top4. Chelsea's 'transitional season' saw them finish 6 - and as European Champs.
Oh yes...and Liverpool...an example of what can happen with a bad boardroom; wrong choice of manager and bad buys. Too many uncomfortable parallels...
great stuff.. had me laughing out loud!
As normal an excellent read, keep it up, coys.
Portugal was the last known habitat of the Neanderthals. Apparently some of them are still alive and well.
@ kingdom of sod "Portugal was the last known habitat of the Neanderthals..."
Are you referring to Homo Ronaldonsus?
@ Allan
'What happend in the past,makes absolutely no difference whatsoever !
It's all about the future.
Lol. You lot are priceless. Allan, this one sentence of yours sums it all up mate! It's called denial.The past, and what happened in it, gives us evidence on which we can build a better future. Without this evidence, we tend to make the same mistakes. Fundamently, this is what separates us from frogs! Even dogs have grasped this concept. Since next doors cat rode Archie around the garden, all claws, jaws, and teeth, he leaves slanty eyed fcuker alone.
Great post Spook,
Love the story, we will never know the fill truth of what happened to the signings that never happened, but we did sign some very useful players. I will happily admit that I would have wanted David Moyes to be our new manager/coach but DL in his wisdom went for the Boaz boy. The point of tactics by A N Other is very valid, the Boaz system works very well in a league like Portugal where you have two teams competing for the title in a league where the game is played at a lot less frenetic pace than the EPL, especially when you are one of the two teams as in FC Porto and Benfica. He really didn't get a fair crack of the whip at the west end credit card club with no backing from the ruski and the senior players so let's give the guy a break (for now at least). the Boaz has said he learnt many lessons from his recent past although his wildfire dismantling of the squad might suggest otherwise. Also if the rumours were true that the Boaz was happy to let Dawson, Defoe, Hudd, Naughton and Lennon go, then to sign contract extensions for Dawson, Defoe, Naughton and Lennon makes one ask has the guy actually got a clue what he is doing, apart from screwing with their minds causing them to feel insecure and undermining the morale of the squad. But he is so sincere in his ambitions for the team that I am willing to give the Boaz a chance and put it down to his youthful enthusiasm and wires crossed due to lost in translation. But, I wonder if he has lost the faith of some of the players, regardless of their public support and give him time statements. As for the Lewis/Levy situation and their objectives for Spurs again we will never know the truth there either. BUT, we have been give ONE MASSIVE incentive to get behind Boaz and the team likenever before by some Gooner Arse called Peter Hill-Wood who has written theSpurs of and said that the Arse don't have to worry about finishing above Spurs, so let's get together and hit the same hymn sheet and make our voices the twelfth man and try our damndest to make that bastard eat his words. Save all the booing for when it is mathemetically impossible for the Spurs to finish top 4 instead of burdening them with more pressure than they are already under, the first win will come very soon and the team will gel and hopefully the Boaz will prove me wrong that his system is more suited to continental football than our brand of the game. COYS.
the problem with spurs is their fans bcoz they think their club is big , what have spurs done in last 50 yrs to call them big , you dont have huge fanbase , dont play best football in world , medicore stadium , u were lucky spurs finished to 4 last season and there was no reason for sacking of harry and it was best ur club achieved in some 30 yrs but u stil booed last season , everton to b honest is bigger club than spurs but their fans never boo even in not so good times and have fantastic support , spurs fans shud lean from everton..
@Whiskey Tom
Thanks for your feedback !
We can of course dwell on the past and moan about what happend last season, - however if you haven't noticed, - it's a new season, new manager, new players, - my point is, - rather than being skeptical, - we need positive thoughts to transplant to AVB and the Boys ! Pour yourself a large one, - Chill Tom, - the future is bright, - Glory for our beloved Spurs is just around the corner!
( I know you gonna love this reply Ha-Ha ) All the best Tom
And Levy spake unto Boaz and said, "I could only get 85% of Moutinho and so I passed."
"That's still 35% better than 100% of the dross thou hast lumped me with here at thy Lane of White Harts!" Cried Boaz in despair and frustration.
"But..." Cried Levy, "I have obtained the services of Moustapha from the Fulhamites! Thou hast the Ziggurat wrenched from the city of the Swans. Huddlestone the Lame has returned from exile. There are the twin rocks of Sandro and Jacob, our own Scylla and Charybdis! Not to mention the winged-footed wingers Azza and Bale."
"Meh." Spake Boaz.
"You answer me thus, Boaz?!" Replied the Levite horrified.
"Undeniably they are talented in their own ways," rejoined the Portoan, "but I was looking for something with better vision and distribution from the center. Someone to link my fleet attackers with the stalwart defenders of the Lane. Perhaps you can instruct me in how this can be achieved with the warriors at my disposal now?"
"Have you thought of Via One, Boaz? Something that would allow Brad the Elder to bypass the center altogether?" Queried Levy. "Then there's always the running of Walker and the kicking of Benny up the flanks. You have options Boaz!"
"Meh. Meh. Meh!" Thundered Boaz. "It is not my way and I understand it not! Levy, I need someone in the middle to mastermind my masterful masterplan! Without that ...I will achieve nothing. I will be reviled and driven forth from this land once again! Oh woe is Boaz!"
"But wait, Boaz." Spake Levy deep in thought. "You have forgotten Parker. The steely-eyed man of...steel. He returneth from the wilderness of the Orthopedists very soon."
"Ah!" Rejoiced Boaz. "Well then...we'll be fine! Cheers Daniel!"
And the two Tottenhamites hugged and slowly walked-off the field to the sound of the Purple-arsed Boo-birds calling cats in the East stands of the Lane. All would soon be well in the Land of Tott and Ham for Parker was on the way and the foes of the Lane trembled anew...
Just got off the phone to the Maudsley, Errol's taken a turn for the worse, thinks that AVB is being remotely-controlled by team Redknapp! Swears Defoe is a robot. A Arrybot, to be persice. Reckons the proof is 'out there'
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sport/football/article-2196892/Andre-Villas-Boas-urges-Tottenham-fans-patient.html
Villas-Boas unhappy with spurs start
0.23 - SHITTING HELL -
REDKNAPP OUT, OF ABV!!!!!!!!!
You sir, are a legend! Have muchly enjoyed the entire Book of Daniel, proverbs 5 & 8 in this one were so true they almost made me cry, bravo!