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Entries in Crouchie (16)

Tuesday
Jan052010

Heroes and Villains - Part II

Continuing a casual look at the players achievements in 2009 and what we'd like to see in 2010.


Crouch - Hero (but not like Bruce Wayne, bit more like Rodney from Only Fools and Horses dressed as Robin)

I like Crouchie. He's a decent down to earth bloke with his head in the clouds. He's not a dreamer, just very tall. He knows his limitations and strengths and makes it work, as a foil, even if people shrug about his lack of goals. If Defoe is banging them in by virtue of playing up front with Peter, then it's the partnership that works and matters more than who is sticking them away - as long as someone is. Still, would be nice if he bagged a few more for himself. But we sort of knew this would be the case prior to him signing. But I'm not going to complain about something that makes me happy. And he does. He's not been out of his skin unbelievable, but he's done a good job and can play up front with whomever. He's a good option to have in there, although you do wonder  if we didn't would Pav have stepped up and settled into life in the Prem? You know, Pav being a £14M investment that wasn't fit to start in his first season and doesn't appear to be an option in his second.

Fact is, we have a variation of types as far as our forwards are concerned. And having someone who has tight foot control and causes panic in opposition areas is a good thing. The rest of our team have to remember to play to feet rather than hoof it up to him. Also, I live in the hope that one day a ref will work out that just because someone is tall, doesn't mean that every time he jumps up for the ball with an opposition player it’s an automatic free kick against him.

Do more in 2010: Over-head kicks. Have we had one yet?
Do less of in 2010: Hoofing the ball up to him. Everyone knows, robots can't jump.

Defoe - Hero

Cracking player. Has matured thanks to that loan spell at Pompey and he's in the form of his life. This guy has a love affair with Spurs. It's his spiritual home. He's a goal-scorer. He's hungry for it and he has a point to prove and in World Cup year he is not only in complete control of his destiny, he's in the front seat driving at speed towards South Africa. Essex police, catch him if you can.

Offside? Offside I hear you cry? Jermain Defoe is never offside, he's so fast he creates an illusion that he's moved before the ball has and the assistant referee reacts to it by raising his flag. Whether JD lashes them or flicks them past, his form has validated Harry and the decision to let Darren Bent go. We need one goal scorer and we need him to be able to play a part in a footballing side, rather than just run onto balls over the top.

We've been waiting for a while to see JD step up a level. And he's finally done that. 20 goals would be a good target.

Do more in 2010: Remain focused. Don't take it for granted.
Do less of in 2010: Lay off the c-list celeb WAGS.

Kranjcar - Hero. Sexy Hero

Not that long ago we had a player at Spurs. He was top drawer. Had that shirt tucked out socks rolled down swagger about him. Tottenhamesque in every way. Flair, magic on the ball and an understated arrogance. An almost likeable arrogance. None of that third-rate stuff you get from the Arsenal players who posture like the universe was a stage created for their fronting. No. This is altogether a different type of arrogance. A 'hey, look, I just did something amazing and I hope you liked it, because I liked doing it, and it was done for you' arrogance. Ginola.

And then we found ourselves with Berbatov. A would-be-king who renounced the throne in spectacular fashion to became a court jester in a far away land (harsh, but fair).

Niko could be the next in-line. Some scoffed when he signed, concerned he was too inconsistent and lacked fight. Okay, so defensively he won't offer too much - but neither did Ginola or Berbatov. In a team where we will always look towards Modric for that little piece of magic, we have someone else who can take responsibility. Another unlocker of doors. The wonderful thing for me here is that when he was signed he wasn't fully fit. And as he worked towards regaining match fitness he played his part with cameos, with many impatient. Harry guided him into team affairs with care and attention. And he's slotted in near perfectly. This is what we like at the Lane. A player with class, oozing with every touch. And if continues to play and score we might just have a goal-scoring outlet from midfield.

Do more in 2010: Swagger, creation and craft. And more goals.
Do less of in 2010: Sit on the bench.

Huddlestone - Incredible Hero


Love him or hate him, Harry has done what most of us have wanted. He's stuck Hudd in the midfield and practically started him for every match. We've always banged on about whether Tommy is cut out for a central midfield job. He's not mobile enough, he's easily bullied, he's too slow. And yet there he stands. And whether we like it or not (some people take it personally) he isn't doing too bad of a job. I find myself swaying between opinions. Much like Jenas, he promises a lot. But then it's easy to forget that Tom has only just turned 23. He's a kid. Feels like he's been around for an age. So, for someone so young, arguably he is doing more than just fine. Note the improvements to his defensive game. I've seen it, with my own eyes, Carrickesque nicking of the ball off players. He gets given the ball (often from the likes of Dawson) and as a deep lying midfield turns defence into attack with a forward pass, spread 30 or so yards to feet.

Okay, he can sometimes get lost in the middle. But development wise, there is no better place for him than starting against Wilson. If this kid is going to make it, best he does playing in Lilywhite and best he does so playing week in and week out. We are 4th. At the half way stage. And he's a first team player. I guess the reality of it is this: Huddlestone works.

He's got a triffic shot on him, so a bit of target practice and we might just have another goal-scoring midfielder on our hands.

On the flip side, as mentioned, he gets lost in the middle. If the game doesn't suit his style. If he has no time on the ball. This is actually a problem, because if the opposition are in his face up-tempo then he is practically rendered redundant. Hence the reason why there is both love and hate for the boy.

So, when the game suits him - he's brilliant. When it doesn’t, its best not spoken about. From incredible hero to incredible zero.

Do more in 2010: Score. Brilliant volley skillz. Needs to hit target more often. And has to show signs of adapting.
Do less of in 2010: Mayo and ketchup.



Pavlychenko, Bassong, Corluka, King, Assou-Ekotto, Woodgate, Bale, Lennon, Keane, Modric, Giovani, Hutton and Dawson to follow...

Read the concluding part here.

Friday
Sep252009

The Strike-Force

The world is forever changing. And with it, so do the Astonishing S-Men.

Welcome to the next chapter.

With the Levy Institute for Mediocre Learning set to be re-built along with a new School for the Ungifted, the worldwide headquarters of the S-Corporation based in N17 is embracing a brave new world. White with streaks of yellow the uniform colours synonymous with the North London evolution in their continued battle with the Pundits and Keyboard Warriors, along with the ever present Sky Sports Four. There are enemies to be seen in every direction. These are troubled times. A time in need for heroes.

To make sure the competitive nature always remains at a high unparalleled level, a new special team has been put together to hurt the opposition and aid the progression of Professor L's Lilywhite agenda.


This is the S-Men. This is S-Men: Strike-Force.


Mr Triffic

Species: Manager.
Notable aliases: Houdini, The Twitch, The Escapist.
Team responsibility: Team leader and father figure. It's his role to select the attack formations and guide his men to victory. And hug. Plenty of arms around shoulders and tight tight hugging.
Abilities: The overseer of curricula and academic aspects, teaching the science of football and the complex mathematics of passing the ball from one white shirt to another, using simple physic techniques with Hex commands, i.e. 'run around a lot and kick it in the net'. Capable of reality warping, manifested as probability alteration. Can alter reality with the words “Down to barebones” and "Two points, eight games" that results with an exceptional level of commitment and effort from his team.
Other strengths: Can summon back departed S-Men who have lost their way in the wilderness. Is also able to teleport from one location to the next in a blink of an eye.
Footnote: It's said that his one weakness is The Brown Kryptonite, but there is no evidence to suggest of its existence and it's ability to corrupt him.
Quote: "You wouldn't hit a man with a twitch would you?"


The Jig


Species: Forward.
Notable aliases: The Windmill, Cartwheel, Shouty Pointy Man.
Team responsibility: The commanding officer of the Strike-Force. Deep cover agent, incognito, with the uncanny ability to dis-balance the oppositions defensive game-plan with subtle flicks and movements, leaving them in a dizzying state of fear.
Main abilities: Is able to transcend through space and time, allowing his essence to exist momentarily five seconds ahead of everyone else meaning he can drift and run into space that isn't yet available in the present. This may appear to leave his fellow S-Men in a state of confusion as they can't quite figure out where he is until he returns to the 'present'. The journey back is not deemed to be an easy one with the subsequent pain resulting with indistinguishable screams and flapping of arms. But his influence, invisible to the untrained eye, remains indisputable and without challenge.
Other strengths: Lighting fast arm reflexes with possible hypnotic undertones when waved around at high velocity speeds.
Footnote: In one of his darkest moments, having been brainwashed by the evil mastermind, The Waiter, The Jig's powers were practically decimated during his imprisonment, where he was tortured and humiliated week in week out by his sadistic keeper. Some say, since his return to Professor L's Institute, he has been irreversibly damaged by this damning experience leaving many to question why he is given the responsibility to lead the team.
Quote: "You wanna play with The Jig? Here, pick a pass!"


Defcon

Species: Striker.
Notable aliases: The Black Greaves, Flash, Pocket Dynamite, The Sex.
Team responsibility: The main outlet for decisive single-minded attacks. Only needs a second to render the opposition null and void with devastating strikes of power. Blink and you'll miss him - and then you'll regret it.
Main abilities: Is said to have been born with the chaos gene that allows him to run ragged any opposing defensive line placed in his path in the field of battle. Explosive burst of pace, power in feet, strength and determination - considered to be the poster-boy of the Strike-Force. There are whispers he is the illegitimate son of Mr Triffic, but the bloodline remains unproven.
Other strengths: Insatiable, lust magnet that has the women falling at his feet. Some say his skills in the bedroom are just as explosive as the fireworks he produces during missions. A trail of devestated women would suggest this to be the case.
Footnote: Is known to produce erratic displays when faced with his old time nemesis, The Offside Trap, who possesses the power to drag him back away from an attacking position, leaving him frustrated and ineffective.
Quote: "Here I am in your personal space so go ahead and open up"


The Interpreter

Species: Russian to English interpreter.
Notable aliases: The Man on the Touch-line.
Team Responsibility: He is best known as the Safekeeper of the Russian Ghost, better known to most as 'The Guardian of the Pavlyuchenko' - which is a mystic supernatural force descended from Russia. The 'Pav' has to be called upon using a secret calling, but can only appear for short periods of time. It's up to the Interpreter to make sure his transition into this world and subsequently into Strike-Force duty is one without difficulties.
Main abilities: The Interpreter is the only known person who is able to communicate with The Pav and is able to provide direct instructions to him, based on Mr Triffic's requirements.
Other strengths: The Pav himself is a mysterious entity, one that can be vital in situations that warrant desperate measures. But because of the fragile nature of his existence it's also deemed to be a risk to summon his presence in the midst of battle as its impossible to predict the impact he will have. The Pav is isolated and alone most times and has a somewhat apologetic nature as he struggles to adapt to this world, preferring the comfort of his true home, but at times does show glimpses of what he could do if he was permanently pulled from the netherworld into this one.
Footnote: The Interpreter and  Mr Triffic have unresolved issues and the relationship is strained meaning that The Pavs influence on the Strike-Force is growing weaker with each passing day. So much so that nobody is quite sure whether his presence, when called upon, would be detrimental to the team.
Quote: "No comment" (Interpreter) 
"Its time, to quote the vernacular, to Rock and Roll" (The Pav - translated from Russian)


Project 'Peter'

Species: Forward.
Notable aliases: The Robot, Rodney, The Tall One, Freak Boy.
Team responsibility: Plan B. Causes an altogether different type of problem by being difficult to defend against thanks to his unorthodox attacking flair which is disguised by his awkward stance.
Main abilities: Genetically altered human, part-man part-robot. The only part-machine member of the strike-force gives him an advantage over others during air attacks thanks to his height. Used routinely as a target/point man in emergency attack formations.
Other strengths: Can momentarily fly and guide missiles on target with devastating yet sublime precision. The robotic part of his brain is capable of stupendous mathematical calculations and processing power that he not only uses during his offensive duties but also socially, as he endeavours to 'fit into' a world where tall people with imbedded CPU's are dismissed as freaks. Peter was able to run a complex social discourse algorithm which covered off every possible question/answer scenario for a one-on-one discussion allowing for best possible selection to achieve the maximum success (with an estimated 0.0000000001% chance of failure) when attempting to find a female for mating purposes. He pulled Abbey Clancy on his very first calculation attempt. The algorithm rules.
Footnote: Great touch for a robot.
Quote:"0110110101111001001000000110111001100001011011010110010100100000011010010111
00110010000001110000011001010111010001100101011100100010000001101001001000000111011
10110000101101110011101000010000001110100011011110010000001100010011001010010000001
111001011011110111010101110010001000000110011001110010011010010110010101101110011001
000000110100001010"




Welcome to the future…Lilywhites.

Monday
Jul272009

Harry's £9M gift for JD

No Income tax, no VAT

A lovely nine million pound transfer fee

Lilywhite, and never red

Peter Crouch has a funny head


We have ourselves a signing. He might not be a sexy one, but he’s accomplished in the Premiership and a team player. The type who can hold up the ball, ridiculous that such an ability is lacking from our current lot. Welcome to White Hart Lane, Mr Peter Crouch. Miss Clancy too. He aint a pretty picture (she is) but at least he has product and industry. This is not a Berbatovesque type of swaggering signing that we love down at the Lane. We are sacrificing quality of the ilk we usually expect (Modric anyone?) for someone with a very specialist purpose. The purpose to serve little Defoe who can now place aside his grievances with those pesky Essex Keystone cops and start salivating at the prospect of having the perfect foil standing tall alongside him once more.

£9M the fee. Which isn’t shabby at all. Well it is, I guess, considering we sold him for 60K many moons ago. No sell on value, how times have changed hey Daniel? Granted he won’t score as many as Bent (still Sunderland bound hopefully), but there is no irony to be lost as we all know he’ll create more and cause more havoc for opposing defenders than the apologetic Darren would ever dream of doing. A team who wishes to accommodate Bent will get the best out of him. And good luck to him wherever he ends up at. Crouch is far more of a fit for Spurs. That's compared to Bent. I guess the market is a little dry at the minute.

 

 

As for our spanking new forward, I’m making the assumption that ‘arry’s masterplan is to feed Defoe and have him as the main man (30 goals please) in front of goal. It has to be. Add 15+ from Crouch and we have plenty of goals – although it’s not quite the enterprising free-scoring flair play of the Berba/Keano partnership, is it? Bit more of that Lilywhite swagger that was.

Sigh.

Would I prefer a sexy younger player with the potential to have Man Utd looking down at us in a season or two ready for the plucking? Let’s face it, Crouchie joined us ahead of Sunderland and Fulham so it appears we are doing things a little bit differently this summer. Unlike, say, when we signed Darren Bent when he was completely unnecessary to the improvement of our squad, we’ve gone and signed a decent player (never to be world class) who will do a job for us – but nothing overly exceptional enough to take us to the next level. Arguably, signing a potentially world class player has never been a successful ploy to make it to that next level anyhow, so I guess it’s time to swallow a little pride and cross your fingers and hope Aaron doesn't ping too many balls to the head of Crouch.

I’d still have preferred us to bring sexy back. There must be someone out there, young and handsome with a little shirt-tucked-out-of-shorts flair that can hold the ball up and knock a few in? No? I guess I was right about it being a dry market.

Faith in the Redknapp masterplan I guess.

So, the brand new era currently stands as: Defoe, Crouch, Keane and Pav. The latter two are the ones that will have to prove themselves, as it’s blatantly obvious who Harry is going to opt for come the Liverpool game. Keane - as discussed - needs to wake up. Pav has to put an end to all the his tired/he's not 100%/he can't talk English excuses and start playing with intent and composure and confidence.

There is still time for more movers and shakers. I’m still hoping for Negredo personally. As for KJH - he's a little bit too Defoe-esque, is he not? Had we signed him, who would he have replaced? Keane? But anyway, enough with the speculation.

At least this weary transfer window has given us something to talk about.

Happy?

Sunday
Jul262009

Spurs set to sign Abbey Clancy

I’m back from the melting pot of Southern Turkey where I enjoyed temperatures in the mid-forties, plenty of alcoholic beverages and God forsaken no internet access. Bliss. I’m tanned, refreshed and completely relaxed, even though the stormy weather over Gatwick meant my flight back was delayed for several hours. However, returning to England meant I was about to drown in an abundance of missed Spurs news relating to players signed and sold.

I should have stayed away for another seven days.

Naughton and Walker signed from Sheffield United. Which is nice. Two new kids to destroy. Gareth Bale, you are no longer alone son.

Adel Taarabt has joined QPR on loan for the season. I don’t mind saying that I’m quite happy with this, in that the alternative was him leaving the club altogether. Jury still out on the showboating midfield starlet having a career at the Lane, so all eyes on how he manages to handle a full term in the Championship where hopefully his composure and decision making will progress in the right direction. You have to wonder if it will. If he was that full of potential would we not want to look after him closer to home? Or at least loan him out to a Prem club? I guess if you ignore Adel’s constant whinging and self-hype, there is little (at the moment) to suggest he is half as good as he thinks he is. Feet do the talking time.

No news on Negredo. Last bit of info I had from my Madrid ‘contact’ was an echo of what most of their fans seem to be in agreement about:

He is in his final hours as a Real Madrid player and will be leaving the club's base in Ireland very soon. This deal will probably be announced officially in the next week. I suppose Spurs went after him once they realised they couldn't get Huntelaar.

After making a perfect start to his presidency, Florentino has now made his first big mistake. I really hope it’s his last. Even with the buyback option, i don't think the club should have released such a promising young talent so easily, especially when there are other crappy players in the squad that need to be sold.

That was from the 17th July. Nothing since. As for Huntelaar, I’m expecting him to turn up in red and white while we end up with Peter Crouch. Who, as a replacement for Bent, isn’t too shabby an option. But that’s a little bit like deciding that to get to where you want to be in a hurry you decide to skip instead of walk.

Crouch (bless his robotic bones) is not exactly a massive upgrade on what we have at the moment. What we have at the moment is a mish-mash of forwards who appear to have arrived at White Hart Lane like elephants walking towards the great graveyard. Apart from Defoe – Bent, Pav and Keane are now stuck firmly in the much-maligned category as we all struggle to understand what Harry is aiming for with regards to his forward line-up.

So what will Crouchie offer us other than a wonderfully gorgeous girlfriend sitting up in the stands? He’s shit in the air and he isn’t exactly prolific. But at least he does offer more than say Darren Bent, especially as a foil to Defoe. Yet still, what of Bent and Pav and Keano?

Even though Pompey have accepted our offer, Harry (interviewed on Sky Sports today) claims Levy is deep in talks and there is no deal currently or no fee agreed. So are Pompey playing silly buggers with their claims or after more money from another interested club?

Elsewhere, Hutton is apparently off to Everton although he appears to be playing for us against Celtic at Wembley today. More tabloid pish? Maybe, maybe not. Hutton isn’t the greatest defender but he attacks well. Just ask his dad. Moyes might get more out of him and we do have a ridiculous amount of full-backs, so if his off the field antics and his injury prone record are reasons to cash in and move on, then so be it.

And that’s it. No major mouth-watering signings in my absence. Patrick Vieira is still ‘making up his mind’ with regards to a move to Spurs. The ITK’s reckon he won’t be a constant first-team starter and Harry has been publicly speaking about him, almost like he is allowing us time to mentally prepare when he’s paraded wearing a Lilywhite shirt and holding up a Spurs scarf. As for the Harry comment relating to Sol Campbell (‘It will even it out...’) erm...no it won’t mate. Hush now. Let’s hope he doesn’t bring an awful amount of falling over shadows because unlike them lot over there, we don’t like fantastic cheats. Not that Vieira is anywhere near fantastic.

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