Forget about the price tag

Moving on from Eminem, Stan and stalking the chairman...

With thanks to Jessie J (she hasn't got a clue but she wont mind) and the other credited writers (takes a team of people to write a pop song these days) for the original lyrics from her hit single Price Tag, borrowed and butchered for this blog and turned into a musical musing about our current forward plight. I’d ask you to enjoy but it’s no laughing matter. Much like auto-tuned music.

 

Okay, Comolli Man, Frankie Arne and Pleaty
You ready?

[Spooky]

Seems like everybody’s forgot to score,
I wonder if they should train all night
When the cross comes first,
And the miss comes second,
You stop, for a minute and
Swear

Why is everybody so calamitous
Acting so damn Rasiakious
You got blindfold on eyes
And boots back to front
That you can’t even show your t-shirt

[Pre-chorus]

Everybody pass to the left (bale)
Everybody hoof to the right (no)
Can you feel that (oh dear)
We’re never gonna score tonight…

[Chorus]

It’s not about the money, money, money
Levy will spend our money, money, money
We just have to sign a striker,
Forget about the Price Tag

Ain’t about the (tall) Cra-Crouch Cra-Crouch
Aint about the (Russian) Pav-Pling Pav-Pling
Wanna make a signing,
Forget about the Price Tag

[Spooky - Verse 2]

We need to take it back in time,
When Harry made us all unite
And it wasn’t all mis-hits and sitters,
Am I the only one gettin…twitchy?

Why is everybody so obsessed?
4-5-1 can’t buy us Prem success
Can we all slow down and play it on the ground
Guarantee we’ll be swaggerin’
Lilywhites

[Pre-chorus]

Everybody moan to the left (ffs)
Everybody groan to the right (christ)
Can you feel that (oh god)
van der Vaart’s gonna get subbed tonight…

[Chorus]

It’s not about the money, money, money
Levy will spend our money, money, money
We just wanna sign a striker,
Forget about the Price Tag

Ain’t about the (JD) Off-side Off-side
Aint about the (Orish) On-loan On-loan
Wanna make a signing,
Forget about the Price Tag

[Park Lane]

Yeah yeah
Levy pay any price tag
No need for money back guarantee
Forget about Jan, just give me world-class, give me glee
How about that La Liga Kun Sergio? Does he have a better goal ratio?
Otherwise kiss goodbye to Bale, Luka, so gotta bolster our portfolio
And all we...
Yes all we need is a striker
Unlike Berba one that won’t leave us for United
Let's not be stuck with playing Chirpy, cause I won’t be so delighted
It’s like this man, you pay up, don't be blinded
We dare to do so we fight and sacrifice for every glory night
Got to look to go all the way, believe, we just might
Waiting to see, a sign for a DVD uh uh
So we gon' keep everyone marching on their feet
So bring back the drummer and everybody sing
It’s not about…

[Chorus x2]

It’s not about the money, money, money
Levy will spend our money, money, money
We just badly need a striker,
Forget about the Price Tag

Ain’t about the (tall) Cra-Crouch Cra-Crouch
Aint about the (russian) Pav-Pling Pav-Pling
Wanna make a signing,
Forget about the Price Tag.

It’s not about the money, money, money
Levy will spend our money, money, money
We just have to sign a striker,
Forget about the Price Tag

Ain’t about the (JD) Off-side Off-side
Aint about the (Orish) On-loan On-loan
Wanna make a signing,
Forget about the Price Tag.

[Spooky - Outro]

Yeah yeah
oo-oooh
Forget about the price tag, just make a summer signing...

This was part 5 of the International Break Diary II

#4 Adventures in lucid dreaming, part I

#3 Back in the day, isn't half as good as it is now

#2 The Spurs Madrid El Clásico

#1 Hands up if you want to stand up at football matches

This is...'Dan'

Re-worked into a track from the recently updated Eminem inspired 'Stalking Daniel Levy', with special thanks to Sean Lawrence for basically making this happen and Pete Mahatna Stalin for the lyrical tweaks and performance. Norty language, NSFW etc.

This is...'Dan'.

Enjoy. And Daniel, get in touch buddy. We should share that bagel. Or at the very least let me interview you ffs. I promise, I won't touch you inappropriately.

Well, maybe the once.

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It's happening again

Take Eminem's classic track Stan, add the vital ingredient of an obsessive fan but replace Eminem with the current chairman of THFC and you get this. That was back in 2009. So thanks to the slow news* days as we await for Joe Cole to make his mind up and lack of any other tangible 'in the know' activity, here's an updated remix for 2010.

*Congrats to Harry and his new contract 

Spooked - original song lyrics by Eminem, re-imagined for DML.com.

Chorus: (Harry Redknapp)

Hansen scoffs on Match of the Day
Spurs will always let you down
Champions League outside my window
And all I see is fourth place
And Crouchie nods home the winner
Ledleys only got one knee,
It reminds me, that Spurs are great,
I'm so great...


[Spooky]

Dear Mr Levy, I wrote but you still ain't callin
I left my mobile, my email, and my twitter at the bottom
I sent two letters back in May, along with an Enneagram you must not have got 'em
There probably was a problem with security or the postmen

Sometimes they just throw out my parcels when I drop them
But anyways; fuck it, what's happening dude? How's the naming rights going?
I can't wait for the new stadium and the new home shirt ain't blowing
So what you up to at the minute? Should we expect to re-sign Kevin Prince Boateng?

I'm not joking, if we re-sign him I think I might cry and consider drowning
Better yet I'll stick my head in the oven, has Bentley stopped his clowning?
Can we not try and sign someone decent instead?
Diego Forlan would be better than having myself ending up dead

I know you probably hear this everyday, but I'm your biggest fan
I still hide out in your garden in the shrubbery and watch you tan
I got a room full of your photos and hate Matthew Norman the schnook
I like the old work you did with Comolli too, that shit was off the hook

Anyways, I hope you get this, and mail me back,
Just to chat, truly yours, your biggest fan, you on Facebook?
This is Spooky, let's talky


Chorus: (Harry Redknapp)


[Spooky]

Dear Mr Levy, you still ain't called or wrote, does your PA never take a fucking note?
I ain't mad - I just think it's FUCKED UP you don't answer your phone
If you didn't wanna talk to me outside the Lane,
you didn't have to, but you coulda signed an autograph for Theo
That's my little voodoo doll man

I'm always sticking needles in his vains,
We waited at the West Stand entrance for you in the pouring rain,
Four hours then you and Ekotto just ignored us leaving us in pain
That's pretty shitty man - just like The Opus
How can the average fan even afford one, I swear sometimes you're so pompus

I ain't 'In The Know' though, I just don't like being lied to
Remember when we met at the AGM - you said if I'd write you
you would write back - see I'm just like you in a way
I would have sacked Juande Ramos too, he was like Bill Murray;
He hardly spoke a native word and best got rid of in a hurry

I can relate to what you're saying in your match-day notes
So when I have a shitty day, I drift away and read them to myself
Cause I don't really have much else other than a blog and ketamine to help me when I'm depressed
I even got a tattoo of ENIC PLC across my chest
Sometimes I even shave my head to see how good it looks
It's like adrenaline, the bald shine is such a sudden rush for me

See everything you say is real in those official statements and I respect you cause you tell it
Other bloggers are just jealous cause I talk about you 24/7
But they don't know you like I know you Dan, no one does
That Ben bloke who climbs the tree at the Lodge has lost his buzz

You gotta call me man, I'll be the biggest fan you'll ever lose
Sincerely yours, Spooky -- P.S.
We should share a bagel soon

Chorus: (Harry Redknapp)


[Spooky]

Dear Mister You're-Gonna-Get-My-Burning-Season-Ticket-Thrown-At-Your-Door
this'll be the last fucking effigy I ever send you, 1pm Cornerpin, will end you
It's been Christ knows how long and still no word - I don't deserve it?
I know you got my last two letters;
I wrote the addresses on 'em perfect…

So this is my iphone 4 recording I'm sending you, I hope you see and hear it
I'd have rang you using voice-call but I lose reception when I use it
I'm in the car right now, I'm doing 61 on the High Street
Hey Daniel, I drank ten cans of Holsten, you dare me to do?

You know the song by Hoddle and Waddle, "Diamond Lights"?
About the guy standing alone in the rain regretful
And he declares his love for her even though she's as hard as stone

That's kinda how this is, you're as cold as ice to me, I'm struggling with my airflow
Why the fuck do you persist with ignoring me, do I not deserve a guitar solo
Now it's too late - you show love for Lennon and you make me feel like Yoko Ono

And all I wanted was a letter or a call
I hope you know I ripped ALL of your naked photo-shopped pictures off my bathroom wall
You're not keeping tabs on Harry either, he should be playing Taarabt, think about it,
the kid is the new Zidane, he's been destroying the Championship do you not dream about it?
And when you dream it I hope you can see his step-overs and you SCREAM about it
I hope your conscience EATS AT YOU and you can't BREATHE about it. Please don't sell him to Real Madrid, I want us to build the team around him.

See Daniel; {*screaming*}
Shut up bitch! I'm trying to talk!
Hey Daniel, that's Jermaine Jenas screamin in the trunk
But he ain't too good, I dropped James Corden on his head
See I ain't like you
'Cause with JJ his skills make me frown
It's time to get rid of him knees up mother brown

Well, gotta go, I think I'm almost here now
Oh shit, I forgot, how am I supposed to send this shit out?

{*car tires squeal*} {*CRASH*}
.. {*brief silence*} .. {*Police siren in the distance*}


Chorus: (Harry Redknapp)


[Daniel Levy]

Dear Mr Spooky, I meant to write you sooner but I've been quite busy
I'm glad you like the stadium plans, it will make the whole Prem dizzy
Look, I'm really flattered you spend so much time outside the ground
and here's an autograph from Gareth Bale, he's worth a few pound
He wrote it on a programme

I'm sorry I didn't see you at the Lane, I must have missed you
Don't think I did that intentionally just to disrespect you
But what's this stuff about a voodoo doll?
I say that's just slightly off-key
Come on now - you don't want yourself banned, in-front of a judge and have to plea

You got some issues Spooky, I think you need some counselling
To help I'll put your name down in the raffle for an Opus, you're bound to win
And don't worry we'll not be re-signing Boateng, would have preferred his brother
But sticking your head in the oven, that type of attitude makes me not want us to meet each other

I really think you need to stop getting so excited just relax it's no matter
We've got Modric on a long term contract it's left Fergie in tatters
I hope you get to read this letter, I just hope it reaches you in time before you hurt yourself,
I think that you'll be doing just fine, if you relax a little

I'm glad I inspire you but Spooky why are you so confused?
Try to understand, we've finished fourth you should be enthused
You should be so happy we've got into the Champions League, stop being so frantic
I watched this one bloke on the news a couple weeks ago that made me quite sick

He crashed his car into Matthew Norman's house, high and drunk on booze
Had some fat naked bloke gagged in the back and another weeping profuse
And they found his phone with a video message he made, but they didn't say who it was to
Come to think about, his name was...it was you... 

Damn.