The Secret Diary of Dave Ephedrine Aged 37¾ (week 2)

by guest-blogger Tricky

Please note: This dary is purely fictional, still, as per last time. So no need for anyone to take offence, as this all this existed purely in my head (which probably says more about me than any of our, ahem, esteemed posters) to start with.

ps. I love you davspur, please don't ever gve up. You give us all hope that one man / woman can make a difference. This comment has no relation to the subject matter either, it is also just a coincidence, just thought I'd mention it.

Week 2

Monday

Have now got two members on facebook group, although technically one of them is a friend, as made profile for Dave the Brick myself. Apparently I need to take a week off LSD as a ‘control’ before deciding the next one to benchmark against, had heard of ‘controls’ before but thought it was to do with flying, in a plane that is. Bought Detox kit from ‘Holland & Barrett’ that place freaks me out. Found ‘caps lock’ button again, much relief, but wonder if last week’s drug had affected vision at all as apparently it had been there all along.

Tuesday

Went to Spurs lodge to see if I could speak to Harry about the EVIL blighting the game today. Managed to catch him in the car park, but think he got confused as he said ‘he wasn’t worried as he had someone in his pocket’, I too was confused by then so left. Went for run, Man followed me. Very odd, he must like running too. Wrote letter to Holland & Barrett to clarify exactly how homeopathic stuff works. Tried to explain to Mrs. Dave that water had a ‘memory’ when shaken, she didn’t believe me and I got confused.

Wednesday

Midweek game – replay, again! Took Mrs. Dave to the match, was watching closely every time the physio went on. Couldn’t quite see into his kit bag to see what was in it. [Note to self: Buy more powerful bins]. Watched replay on SKY+ when got home later, why doesn’t it have a zoom function and why do they cut away when physio goes on? Is this conspiracy bigger than I once thought? Are SKY in on it? Is there just one big cover up?

Thursday

Still only 2 members of EATS on facebook. Decided on meth amphetamine for next week after much deliberation. This experiment is starting to become expensive, might have to limit my comparison list, or at least select cheaper drugs. Spent afternoon writing letters to various governing bodies about my research so far, hopefully will elicit a better response now I have been ‘pro-active’ and have empirical data to back up my findings.

Friday

Payday – Hooray. Went straight to Dixons to get new, more powerful bins, they are the nuts so decided to call them Dave (after Dave the brick). Got letter back from FA asking me to stop sending letters to them, well that settles that then, they are definitely in on it! Man still lurking outside, maybe he works next door, which is odd as it’s a Kwik Fit and I’ve never seen him in any sort of boiler suit. Didn’t think they offered a 24hour service either, now wondering if I had misread fortune cookie from previous week.

                dave the bins

Saturday

Took Dave the Bins on first trip to WHL, they really are the nuts. No-one injured so didn’t help, was able to conclude that opposition were definitely on EVIL, as couldn’t keep up when on max zoom. Fortunately didn’t make difference as we held on for a win. Drafted another letter to Daniel Levy to highlight EVIL in game, will gamble on him not taking out an injunction as per previous correspondence. Noticed one sample bottle missing from fridge, wondering if someone has read my diary and is now trying to wreck my science, decided not to mention to Mrs. Dave.

Sunday

Got letter through post today, which is odd as the postman normally takes a day off on Sunday. It said ‘DAVE EPHADRINE, STOP CAUSING US PROBLEMS, WE KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE, MICHEL’. Was confused by this as I don’t even know a ‘Michael’, so how does he know where I live? He did at least write in capital letters, so that was pleasing, even if he did misspell his own name. No reply from Holland & Barrett yet.

The Secret Diary of Dave Ephedrine aged 37 & 3/4

by guest-blogger Tricky

NOTE: The following Diary extract is entirely fictional, any resemblance to persons either living or dead, or called Dave are purely coincidence and therefore DML cannot be held liable.

Week 1

Monday

Have just got Chinese New Year calendar from local restaurant, and have decided to keep a diary for purposes of documenting my scientific study of Ephedrine and its effects. Only a small space on each day for comments, certainly not enough space for capital letters only, may have to reconsider if it gets too much for me. Strange that they give out New Year calendars in February, must be cheaper to get them made in Jan I guess, what with the sales and all.

Tuesday

Decided to form Ephedrine Awareness and Testing Society, or EATS for short. Must make people aware of EVIL that is Ephedrine. After last week’s trial run of EVIL, this week I am blind testing  LSD as a scientific means of a comparative. Updated Wikipedia entry on EVIL, so far my amendments have been ignored, must write a letter to someone about this. Note: someone has stolen ‘caps lock’ button from keyboard at work.

Wednesday

Just opened fortune cookie from chinese restaurant (it had rolled under the sofa so only just discovered) it says, ‘You are Dave Ephedrine and I am going to stalk you to the end of your days’. These things are always so ambiguous so decided to ignore it. Feeling quite buzzy all day so had a cup of horlicks to calm me down. Still better than last week’s EVIL test.

                                Dave

Thursday

Not a good day! Dave the Brick (my pet brick, no relation) had a proper mard on, put him on naughty step for the rest of the day to have a good think about whether he wants to be part of the conservatory or not. Am starting to wonder if a week on LSD is enough to constitute ‘scientific evidence’, certainly it would be better than any of those hair product adverts with that annoying bint from ‘four weddings’.

Friday

Had no response from blog forums to joining EATS, I wanted to use all capital letters to make my point, but still can’t find the caps lock key. Might start a facebook group as that seems to be the way things are done today. Took three hours to get home, although two were spent studying the tube map at underground station, it’s quite fascinating really. Still feel a little bit buzzy, wondering if Horlicks might have negative effect on test results, will google later for research purposes.

Saturday

Match day – Hooray, trip to WHL. First time I’ve ever noticed someone following me to WHL all the way from my house, remembered fortune cookie, but ignored it as the features of his face melted away after a while. Don’t remember result as decided to watch Harry and only stand up when he did (thought it might make another good scientific experiment) got cold and confused, stood up and went home at half time.

Sunday

One week of testing concludes that LSD is not as bad for you as Ephedrine, Dave the brick disagrees, but I think that’s because he’s still narked at Mrs. Dave putting him outside after tripping over him when he was on the naughty step. I have compiled the heart rate readings on hard drive and labelled and stored sample bottles in fridge for reference. Will update Wikipedia again later with results.

to be continued...