The Secret Diary of Dave Ephedrine aged 37 & 3/4
Thursday, March 11, 2010 at 9:25PM by guest-blogger Tricky
NOTE: The following Diary extract is entirely fictional, any resemblance to persons either living or dead, or called Dave are purely coincidence and therefore DML cannot be held liable.
Week 1
Monday
Have just got Chinese New Year calendar from local restaurant, and have decided to keep a diary for purposes of documenting my scientific study of Ephedrine and its effects. Only a small space on each day for comments, certainly not enough space for capital letters only, may have to reconsider if it gets too much for me. Strange that they give out New Year calendars in February, must be cheaper to get them made in Jan I guess, what with the sales and all.
Tuesday
Decided to form Ephedrine Awareness and Testing Society, or EATS for short. Must make people aware of EVIL that is Ephedrine. After last week’s trial run of EVIL, this week I am blind testing LSD as a scientific means of a comparative. Updated Wikipedia entry on EVIL, so far my amendments have been ignored, must write a letter to someone about this. Note: someone has stolen ‘caps lock’ button from keyboard at work.
Wednesday
Just opened fortune cookie from chinese restaurant (it had rolled under the sofa so only just discovered) it says, ‘You are Dave Ephedrine and I am going to stalk you to the end of your days’. These things are always so ambiguous so decided to ignore it. Feeling quite buzzy all day so had a cup of horlicks to calm me down. Still better than last week’s EVIL test.
Dave
Thursday
Not a good day! Dave the Brick (my pet brick, no relation) had a proper mard on, put him on naughty step for the rest of the day to have a good think about whether he wants to be part of the conservatory or not. Am starting to wonder if a week on LSD is enough to constitute ‘scientific evidence’, certainly it would be better than any of those hair product adverts with that annoying bint from ‘four weddings’.
Friday
Had no response from blog forums to joining EATS, I wanted to use all capital letters to make my point, but still can’t find the caps lock key. Might start a facebook group as that seems to be the way things are done today. Took three hours to get home, although two were spent studying the tube map at underground station, it’s quite fascinating really. Still feel a little bit buzzy, wondering if Horlicks might have negative effect on test results, will google later for research purposes.
Saturday
Match day – Hooray, trip to WHL. First time I’ve ever noticed someone following me to WHL all the way from my house, remembered fortune cookie, but ignored it as the features of his face melted away after a while. Don’t remember result as decided to watch Harry and only stand up when he did (thought it might make another good scientific experiment) got cold and confused, stood up and went home at half time.
Sunday
One week of testing concludes that LSD is not as bad for you as Ephedrine, Dave the brick disagrees, but I think that’s because he’s still narked at Mrs. Dave putting him outside after tripping over him when he was on the naughty step. I have compiled the heart rate readings on hard drive and labelled and stored sample bottles in fridge for reference. Will update Wikipedia again later with results.
to be continued...
Reader Comments (57)
Dave will shit bricks when he sees this. Shit bricks.
High brow. Self indulgent.
Liked it.
DAVSPURS is a legend
Offbeat, not as directly humourous as Spooky's efforts but the reason this is so great is because it could almost be Dav's diary. It probably is Daves diary.
I'm getting the popcorn for when the man himself arrives to layeth the smackdown.
I don't get it.
Who the fuck is "dave"? Bring back Dav!
Dave = Dav = DAVSPURS
Dave the brick, genius stuff.
Who the fuck is DAVSPURS? Another blogger?
Fuck me hazard. 10 out of 10 for sarcasm avoidance.
I thought I was being clever. In hindsight I now beg to differ.
Only joking mate.
I believe Davspurs; when we win, the other team has always left the ephedrine at home.
Dav for President.
Well Tricky you better hide away because if you new who davspurs is you would shit a brick he is more than a legend ,Would you make a team 12 miles away start playing crap by mentioning Ephedrine would you fuck? .And the only reason we are winning is because our Dav is highliting the cheating bastards allover the radio stations sky sport and on our Davpurs. mate the frightened one Spooky. Did you watch Fulham runners tonight up next Sams missiles Big Samba the lion man Spit the dog hospital Dunn skeleton Andrews lets all pray Tricky dicky we score first or its block block save swallow thats half time . Remember this tricky everyone laughed at Noah till they all fucking drowned.COYS
Listen here you call me a brick and you know that im no brick ephedrine is in the game. Just got to look that the players look anorexic and the Fa covers it up otherwise football would be a mockery. Weaker teams on paper always winning and doing it in the last moments of games because of what. Energy.
Tricky while you where still learning to peel the forskin back on your small bell end i was fighting the bin dippers manx forest gumps and you have got the cheek to question my Ephedrine rant if i told you who it was i discovered cheating and how its spread you could have premature ejaculation for the rest of your life .So do you self a big favour and keep your daft childish rant in your comic book this blog is for adults with big Bollocks be carfull when you are at the lane because DS COULD BE STOOD BEHIND YOU WITH A FUCKING BREEZE BLOCK TO RAM INTO YOUR TRICKY SCULL .SPPPPPPPPPPPPPPOOOOOOOOOOOKKKKKYYYYYYORWAT
hahaha
I love you Davspurs!!!
Comedy gold!
the solution is to invite him to genuinely guest star on this blog & finally give us the detail we are all tripping up over ourselves for. Mind you, when you are a duracell powered conspiracy theorist,do you really want the visibility that would come by associating with the spookys of this world? These are dangerous times even in bloggerland.
Spooky interviews Davspurs.
Could work.
@DAVSPURS
Pure. Effing. Gold
Not as funny as I was expecting, and yet I cannot look away. On a serious note though, the issue is real. I also suspect as it's much more rampant than just the lower table teams doing it. That said, nothing will be done until someone's heart gives out. Much like cycling in the late 60's when horse drugs were rampant. Everyone, who was associated with the sport knew it, but no-one did anything until a racer died. The image of the cyclist continually falling, being propped up by his team, falling again until he had expired is really something that you just don't forget. What was it, 78% of the 1984 Olympians stated that they would take a drug if it meant they'd get Gold, even if it meant that they'd be dead in 5 years. As to the suggestion that DAVSPUR provide the details, he can't without subjecting himself to ridiculous lawsuits. On the other side of the pond it has been claimed that over 50% MLB players are diagnosed as ADHD so that they may take drugs that would otherwise be deemed performance enhancing. Since most people are ostriches, everyone is complicit. COYS
tom simpsons @ peterballb
Please spare us of the next session till you at least meet the intelligence of your pictured pet :)
Thanks mcspeed. Name had slipped my mind, if not the images. COYS
Davspur. You never cease to amaze me. 10 out of 10 for your unfaultering determination to your cause but to most of us it comes across as a fucking mental crusade that has taken over your life and every blog you turn up on. I think the article is supposed to be a light hearted indication that most think you're a bit bonkers and the comments that follow it would seem to back that up.
btw, I should point out that the brick is 'dave the brick' not 'dave the dave'.
And whilst purely conincidental that the charachter's name is dave, I would add that Davspur is indeed a legend.
Maybe his one man crusade is perhaps more than worthy of airtime?
I love Davspurs - he is Spurs through and through (even though he is lives in the Northwest) and is loyal to our players, even the ones who often get slated as fat and lazy (take a bow, Thudd). Of course Davspurs sometimes comes across as obsessive - a bit like the man with the end of the world sandwich board but you dont have to read it.
Does anyone seriously believe there is no drug cheating at all in British Sport/Football? May I mention our England captain Mr Ferdinand, gold medal winner Ms Ohurogu, Mr Dwayne Chambers, Linford Christie, etc etc....I must say I saw Park Ji Sung's workrate in the CL the other night and thought he was f*in amazing - he must have the lungs of a Tour De France winner. Still, at least we can rest assured that Corluka and Thudd are clean (except for the prematch valium Charlie takes).
Rock on Davspurs/Rumourman/NW Cockerel/Dave Smith and any other names you write under!!
Just to add DavSpur, i am a cynical conspiracy theorist too,so apologise for the ribbing. Given what we see regularly in athletics,it would seem naive to think that it isn't rife within this infinitely richer sport. We won't find out.Same reason that goal line technology has been knocked back. Its to protect the elite & the guaranteed revenue the protection brings.to a global industry . simples.
having said all that, please can i borrow your pet brick to smash my head in with rather than read your blog entries.
Davspurs , dont be mad at tricky , he is finally giving you the credit you deserve
We were all sceptics in the beginning but now you are our hero and i can not watch a game of football without looking for the energized bunnies anymore.
I have seen it happen on lower levels so i guess on high level football it also exists ...
Keep up the crusade mate !
The funniest stuff I've read for ages. I hope this runs and runs......get it!
Does DAVSPURS have his own blog / dark corner of the interweb? Please someone post a link if so. Nice post Tricky.
www.dtbspeaks.co.uk
Lads lets all calm down here if i had won the Lottery i wouldn't tell you how i found out because of loyalty to family and all this started two years ago and the only reason i have mentioned this at all is the person dishing these capsules out gave a family member a thousand of these potentially deadly drugs to a Rugby team .They where Amateur and my niece started using these to slim and went from ten stone to 7 st.12, is team gained two promotions and the headlines in our local paper read what they lacked in size the made up for it in energy. I Started Studying this drug it started of in cough mixture and nasal congestion remedy called Sudafed but it was banned because of Strokes and Heart Attacks. I don,t want to start a witch hunt i just want to let players and teams no with television coverage you cant hide anymore from enhanced performances .And has for deaths my well informed blogger above so elegantly put Deaths have allredy happened in Rugby and Football the only thing his we will never no if this drug had any part in those young and tragic deaths.But if i can stop another young life from premature death then my campaign,that has brought me so much ridicule will be worth it . your watchfull and loyal DAVINA SPURS YOU SEE TRICKY I AM A LADY NOT A DAVID
Davina ?
Are you kidding ? You must be ...
Did not see that one coming at all.
'DAVINA SPURS YOU SEE TRICKY I AM A LADY NOT A DAVID' check and mate. This gets better and better, Tricky well done for cementing the legend that is DAVina. Keep up the good work DAV, the longest road has an end and the truth will out. Can you also do some investigation into the cheating drug Howard Webb and his cronies are dished out anytime the SKY 4 are being threatened. Quick he will be rampant against us when Fat Sam delivers his stash from SahAAlex
Fcuk me!
Dav is a bird?!?
It's like some 'must watch - can't take your eyes off' crappy soap opera.
Have to say I did not see that one coming.
Genius.
But Dav love, your punctuation and vocabulary are atrocious.
:-)
www.dtbspeaks.co.uk
Mar 12, 2010 at 9:37 AM | Rman
Aww. It's not a real site. Boo.
Maybe Dav got his Ephedrine and Oestrogen bottles mixed up and grew a mangina overnight?
'DAVINA SPURS YOU SEE TRICKY I AM A LADY NOT A DAVID'
How do I get this headline on NewsNow, people need to know, this is right up there with ArSol turning up at the Arse.
Dav, are you fit?
Email me pics.
davspurs, lunatic drug tsar, crusher of bindippers and manx, breeze block face smashing rambling brick befriending davspurs - is a woman??
fucking, holy shit, batman
Davina, consider Dave Ephadrine something of an alter ego (otherwise week 2 is gonna need a serious edit) even though it was a purly fictitious charachter.
I think the point from comments here is that many of us believe that there are teasm cheating out there, and these things are supressed.
Otherwise why would this have happened, from last year:
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/sport/othersports/drugsinsport/5049753/Sepp-Blatter-and-football-are-wrong-to-reject-new-anti-doping-rule.html
When Sepp 'cuckoo clock' Blatter rejected the proposals by the WDO on a whim (no suprise there).
We make light of these things not because they are not serious, but because to take them seriously all the time loses it's impact.
Hope you don't mind 'week 2', and I'll buy you a lambrini one day.
See! I knew it was Dav not Dave.
Omg just caught up, what a revelation!
wow.... wow wow and more wow. Be careful not to let too much information go 'DAVina'. I can't help noticing that Fox Mulder hasn't commented on this today, they might have got him already and they'll be after you next...
mmmmmm......mmmmmmmmmmfffffff.......mmmfffffffffff
davspurs, lunatic drug tsar, crusher of bindippers and manx, breeze block face smashing rambling brick befriending davspurs - is a woman??
fucking, holy shit, batman
Mar 12, 2010 at 12:03 PM | jolsgonemental
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