Arsene Wenger's Guide to Losing Graciously
Monday, May 11, 2009 at 10:26AM Hello. My name is Arsene. You may know me from such incidents as Pizzagate and my exercise video 'Squat Yourself to Size Zero'.
Welcome to my guide to losing graciously. Let's begin.
Controversial Incidents
If, for example, one of your players is several feet away and spits in the face of another player, simply close your eyes or look away and if questioned later for your opinion state that your eyes were closed during the whole duration of the alleged incident and you could not possibly comment on something that you did not see, especially as the likelihood of it actually having occurred is unlikely because you did not see it.
Heavy Defeats
If you lose 5-1 away in a cup tie or 4-1 at home in the league, do not admit you have been outplayed or outperformed. Because that is simply not the case. My team never loses because they are second best. We lose when the opposition manipulate circumstance and luck which results in a fluke outcome that does not equate to the balance of the game. State that it was never (for example) a 4-1 game and that had the opposition not scored the four goals then the result would have gone in your favour.
Any defeat
The game is not about putting the ball in the net but about how many opportunities you carve out in a game. If the opposition have two or three chances and score them and we have eight or nine clear cut chances but fail to convert, then the opposition has not won because they were the better team. They won because we nearly scored eight goals.
Mistakes
It's important to understand that if you lose its is because the team or an individual made a mistake and had the mistake not been made then a victory would have been accomplished in our favour. Remember, you are only ever defeated by one's own self.
The Kids
If we win games with our academy and youth players it is amazing and proof we have the best young players in Europe. They are the best as long as they are playing Championship sides at home or reserve teams. If we play a first team and get beaten, this does not matter. If we play a first team and win, then do not act surprised. Remember, we have amazing young players who have gone on to do fantastic things at other clubs.
Apologising
I do not understand this. Is this a cockney slang rhyme?
Young first team
Always make sure the average age of the first team is around twenty-two or twenty-three years. Their time will come with experience. The past four years we have played with this philosophy and we are now three-quarters of a percent away from dominating the league. There is no need to buy an experienced holding midfielder or a centre-back. Simply rotate the kids from one year to the next making sure the average age is always in the early twenties and when they turn twenty-four or twenty-five, replace them with younger players. Continue this rotation system and the percentage will continue to drop.
Diving
Accuse other teams of diving and cheating but what if your own player is guilty of it? Ha! Trick question. Your own players are never ever guilty of it.
Losing to lesser sides
If the unthinkable occurs and you lose away to a side like Sheffield United then this has only happened because they have refused to play football and have instead used physicality to bully and foul their way through the game not allowing us time on the ball and not allowing us to play our natural game so we can score at will.
Facepalm©
When something happens that is not meant to happen, place your head in the palms of your hand. An additional squat aids to illustrate the injustice.
NEXT WEEK: Arsene reveals his perfect recipe for lasagna.
Reader Comments (50)
GOLD
Ha ha! Its funny because its true!
You got Arsene guest blogging now Spooks? Gone up in the world.
Did you copy and paste this from the official Arsenal website?
Haha, quality read!
'Squat Yourself to Size Zero'
Is this available on Amazon?
Genius! Brightened up my Monday morning.
Facepalm is the new Twitter.
He's a miserable prick. Not Spooky, Wenger. Spooky's just a prick.
:p
Genius. I'm off to sign up for facepalm!
I love Arsene's interview after the 5-1 CC defeat last season. He went through each of the 5 Spurs goals and discredited it with one stupid quote after the other -
"By the time the fourth went in the game was over" & "The 5th goal didn't really matter as it was just the 5th goal"
How about something on Ledley 'my knees are crocked but my elbow action's okay' King?
Always nice to get advice from someone experienced. And lets face it, there's no-one more experienced at losing than Spurs.
I loved Wenger's comment yesterday about diving yesterday. Seems to have a defect that stops him from seeing his own players commit the same offence.
"Seems to have a defect that stops him from seeing his own players commit the same offence"
That's because his eyes are half way up his arse.
Ledley Kings Guide to London Nightlife.
I'll like to see that.
Ha haa! Brilliant.
Almost as funny as Spurs Champions League 'charge' this season (and last season come to think of that... and the season before that.... oh... and the season before that...)
This time next year we'll be champions league Rodney.
Ledley Kings Guide to London Nightlife.
Hi. I'm Ledley King. My mates call me Deadly. You might remember me from such photo-opportunities such as 'Trousers down at ankles outside Faces' and 'Do you know who I am?'.
Welcome to my guide to London nightlife and clubbing.
Getting into clubs:
Always turn up drunk, push in front of the line waving your payslip and demand free entrance otherwise you'll get your mates to rush the doorman from the inside.
If refused admission:
Swagger around and allow yourself to be photographed before and after any potentially damaging incident. If a fight or scuffle occurs, make sure it happens when anyone with a mobile is unavailable to record the moment.
When in a club:
Drink until you can't stand and pull your trousers down to your ankles. Then wait to be kicked out. When kicked out, remember, don't look at a bouncer in the eyes - otherwise they'll end up on Sky News telling the world they have a head ache.
The gooners are with us. But don't fret. They'll all be gone in an hour.
Fourth is the new first.
That Ledley King guide has potential.
60,000 fans at the Emirates... 25,000 may even leave half an hour from the end... still more home fans in the ground than at the Lane - home of Champions League 'challengers' (*cough*) Spurs.
Still... you've had a great season. We are truly not worthy. I can't wait for the DVD of Saturday's 0-0 draw.
Guys lets be honest here- we would swap Harry Redknapp for Wenger any day of the week gracious loser or not!!
Dear Mr Levy
We still await your plans for your new 'state of the art' 60,001 capacity stadium.
The gooner scum must be avoiding their own sites after another truly humiliating defeat at home. Remind me everyone, what was the score when Spurs played Chelsea at WHL a few weeks ago??
The icing on the cake has to be Arsene Wenger accusing Drogba of diving! Yes we all know Drogba dives but how many Arsenal players go down like a cheap whore when they're tackled?
Another example of Wenger struggling to deflect attention from the fact that he's assembled a piss poor side devoid of any heart or grit.
Arsenal needn't have bothered building a 60,00 seater stadium it's only full for an hour every matchday!
WHL1956
That's one of the stupidest comments I've ever read! Behave yourself! Redknapp is building something at Spurs, look at what he's done in 3/4's of a season.
I can't believe how some Spurs fans don't get behind the club and everyone associated with it!
Jamiespurs:
Harry redknapp honours FA cup 2008, Championship winners 2003, 3rd div winners (Bournemouth) 1987.
Arsene Wenger honours FA cup winners x5, League champions x 3. That's just with ar*enal. And two european finals.
Listen, Im as big a spurs fan as you'll meet but hand on heart I know which CV id be most impressed with if they both landed on my desk. And so do you!
WHL1956
R
TRY AGAIN
WHL1956
Recent honours???? Arsenal haven't won anything for years now, despite having more money than Spurs and the constant draw of the Champions League. Look at what Arsene has created at Arsenal?? A team with no backbone, no spine, no steel, no determination. Sure they play pretty football but they've got no heart, no engine in the side.
You're honestly telling me that you'd like to see Wenger pitch up at Spurs and turn us into an experiment in academy football?? Ridiculous! Redknapp is building a side and a team spirit at Spurs and I for one am very pleased he's doing so. The loaning out of Academy players and the obvious strengthening in positions we've been weak in for years is another sign he's taking us in the right direction.
The scummers can keep there shortsighted, facepalming, gooner arsehole for I care.
"60,000 fans at the Emirates... 25,000 may even leave half an hour from the end... still more home fans in the ground than at the Lane - home of Champions League 'challengers' (*cough*) Spurs"
Out of the 60,000 only about 10,000 are pre-Nick Hornby Arsenal fans. The rest are called Tarquin and love their half-time ribs and wine.
Isn't the "Trousers down at ankles" book by bedtner? haha...
For the love of God. It's just taking the piss out of Wenger's inability to maintain some grace and dignity.
I found it funny. Factual but funny.
Chirpy
It may well be BUT what's the deal with people still hating Redknapp?? Can they not see what a good job he's done for us?
Wenger is a prick - FACT
Great, here come the Arsenal fans with their 'look at us, we've got Champions League' soundbites. Maybe it's time you let someone else have a go, considering how you can't be arsed to stay and applaud your team at the final whistle having made it to the final four of the competition. Woolwich must be tricky to get to at that time of the evening.
I don't hate Redknapp. Don't personally think he has what it takes to make Spurs a Champions League side, but then I doubt anyone else has either thanks the gulf between everyone and the Top 4. Although Arsenal and Wengers reluctance to sign players that are required has made them the weakest link up there. Which some Arsenal fans believe. Which is scandalous. Yes Wenger is pig arrogant in some ways and that might be to the advantage of other sides like Everton, Villa and possibly us (if we don't do the usual at the start of next season).
If they bought 2/3 physical players - especially in midfield, then they would challenge. I think by virtue of circumstance, its nigh impossible for anyone outside the Top 4 to claim a place in it.
I reckon Redknapp is underrated. He's a very savvy bloke and a good manager who gets the best out of the players he has at his disposal.
I think what he's achieved with us this season is a credit to his abilities and I think we'll push on next season. It's worth remembering, this time last year Ramos was already showing us what a clueless buffoon he was, our end of season form was abysmal after the CC final, under Harry we're flying and we didn't even win the cup!
He's a fine man-manager, whether he is tactically astute is another thing altogether. But he's done well. I do agree the problem is that no matter how good we get, to push into the top four you need to be world class. Massive problem for us there as it would mean the team would need to evolve by another few notches.
1) Winning more away from home
2) Bullying sides more
3) Quality in depth
Took Jol a season or so for us to finish 5th twice, but the second 5th was never one that had has competing for 4th.
To expect us to challenge for 4th spot next season is just plain stupid. You have to hope that Arsenal had a mare next season and that's unlikely. Chirpy is right about the gulf.
Lovely stuff Spooky. Nail on head. Although the source material wrote itself.
Very much doubt we'll be aiming for the Europa League now -
http://soccernet.espn.go.com/news/story?id=645266&sec=england&cc=5739
I doubt Harry will want our pre-season preparation disturbed and Levy won't want to lose out on a glamour game against Barca at Wembley!
Arsene, mon ami, you forgot one of your own rules. The first goal scored by the opposition is always offside, "And it completely changed ze game." Even if it was lobbed in from the other side of the half-way line. Yesterday's Drogba- diving quotes were choice, even for Wenger. Admittedly, things have improved since Ashley Cole went to Arsenal, but how many penalties/red cards have the Gooners had against us after apparently being felled by invisible snipers in the crowd, mere nanoseconds after play has entered the Tottenham box?
Still, Wenger could snatch victory from the jaws of defeat next season by buying Didier Zokora.
Fulham have Europe all wrapped up. Can't see its a good thing to be playing that early in the season.
Anyone heading to the Wembley Cup???
I'm travelling down from Glasgow to watch Spurs beat Barcelona and then DESTROY Celtic! Ok I'll settle for a draw against Barca and a win against Celtic!
Ledley King. Tut, tut.
Yes, because Tony Adams and Paul Merson were such paragons of virtue.
Killjoy - You forget Ray Parlour running off with someone's suitcase when Arsenal were away in europe.
Inspired stuff Spooky, you're on form.
Cesc Fabregas. Spit, spit.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XKnAuZ0JzPQ&eurl=http%3A%2F%2
3 minutes in.
Brilliant.
We didn't get the CL spot...because of the food poisoning!!
We are used to being a joke in the premier league!
Robbie Keane can only be a big fish in a small foul pond
Did I say we were the butt of the jokes every season?
Look at the quality of the teams of Redknapp after he left:
-West Ham - Relegated
-Southampton - Relagated
-Portsmouth - On the way to relegation
-Tottenham - Crap