The Unwritten Rules of Football
Wednesday, December 22, 2010 at 12:03PM Here.
When a goalkeeper makes a spectacular save and is congratulated by his team mates he must furiously usher them away, pretending that the save meant absolutely nothing to him.
'The Magic sponge' has magical properties that can transform a player who appeared to be at deaths door into a fully fit athlete within seconds.
A chipped penalty that goes in is genius.
A chipped penalty that is saved, the taker instantly becomes the worst footballer ever.
In Sunday league, a throw-in deep in your own half will, without fail, will force an opposing to player to shout out 'BOX 'EM IN!!!!!!!
A player coming up to take a free kick anywhere on the pitch must pick the ball up and toss it forwards about 2 feet with a slight back spin.
Any contentious decision involving Arsenal must be unseen by Arsene Wenger.
All positive contributions by Peter Crouch must be disregarded in lieu of his height.
The obstruction rule must be ignored when defenders are shielding the ball in injury time.
Mike Riley must give a penalty at Old Trafford.
Defenders are exempt from the laws of diving. (Watch how many times a defender will jump on the floor under pressure around their own box, especially near the corner flags, and always get the decision!)
Teams with a free kick 'specialist' will somehow manage to get more free kicks in or around the box than teams without one.
When a contentious incident occurs in a game, the manager on the wrong end of the decision must furiously berate the fourth official, as if HE is responsible for the decision, presumably by exercising some sort of mind control over the referee.
The World Cup must be awarded to whichever potential host country is least practical.
Obstructing another player from getting the ball is perfectly acceptable when it is travelling out of play slowly, but anywhere else on the pitch and it will be called as a foul.
When a visiting player controls the ball with his chest 90% of the home crowd must berate the ref for missing an obvious handball.
When a goalkeeper has made a spectacular save sending the ball out for a corner, he must stand up, bang his hands together three times then bawl out a defender.
When a defender has made a spectacular block he cannot wince or rub the affected party of the body until the ball is upfield and all eyes have followed it. (edit: unless your name is Gomes)
The bloke who hardly ever goes to matches has to compensate for this by being the loudest and trying to start a song every three minutes, often standing with his back to the field of play, waving his arms frantically and trying to make eye contact with anyone stupid enough to return his gaze.*
*May only apply in The Paxton.
If Jack Wilshere runs with the ball, because he plays for Arsenal, he must surely be the best young player on the planet. Second best young player on the planet.
Matchday mascots must always have a bemused expression on their little faces and have absolutely no idea where the edge of the pitch they must run off to is located.
TV highlights of a match which show a substitution being made invariably mean the new player will have a hand in the next goal.
If you play for Stoke you can spend 30% of the match cleaning the ball with a towel without getting booked.
Reader Comments (84)
lad!
Nice one. Spot on. I think we can come up with others. When the tv highlights show a player getting an early yellow card for a very unremarkable incident, that guy will be getting sent off later on...
If man u are drawing or losing,time will be added on untill they win/draw the game
When Spurs are on, the commentators must always try to find the most negative stat that they can and mention it. Spurs haven't won here for 10 years...when 70% of the Premiership haven't either. Spurs have only 3 away wins ... hang on, that is the 6th most away wins in the Premiership! Even the best is merely 5 away wins....
When Drogba goes down easily it is ridiculous dishonest play, but when Kevin Davies is doing it, he is "showing his experience"...
when Man U are 0-1 down at home, with 89 mins gone, there will be 7 mins of added time. (or until they score)
Agree with the one about fans who don't go to matches that often, as I am one of them. I am fanatical about Tottenham but it dont come cheap :) so I like to make the most of it when I can get there......Please dont hate me.
if you manage Newcastle, you will be sacked before the next transfer window....
Just before every World cup, Fifa must attempt to ruin the competition by bringing in a new rule that no one understands (a tackle is a yellow card) or bringing in a new ball that no one can kick apart from Diego Forlan!
if we win, 'arry has "taken us as far as he can", if we lose, 'arry as taken us as far as he can.
Whever a keeper fall's down in the box it is an instant freekick even if it was a teammate who impeded him.
If a striker who plays for England has ONE GOAL IN SIX MONTHS! he will receive relentless and constant praise for knocking the ball sideways in the opposition box or defending set-pieces for the remaining six months. God-forbid if he happens to be from another country.
if you lose 1-0, don't bother watching match of the day until very near the end. If you won 5-0, you might get on behind Chelsea and Man U, so give it 10 mins before you switch on.
If nobody scores from a direct free kick in the world cup, it's the ball or the altitude.
When losing games Harry Redknapp must go red and twicth uncontrolable.
After every poor result. Harry must remind us all we only had 2 points from 8 games when he arrived.
After losing games, you must go online and tell everyone how you would have done it and how much of genius you are after the match has taken place. You then have to slate your most hated player whether he was on the pitch or not and say that our season is over.
After every good result you must take back all comments made previously and talk about winning the league.
If a player goes through one on one with the goalie and hits it straight at him, it's a world class save.
Love the one about free kick awards inside your on half or near the half way line where the ball is thrown forwards with back spin.... How about the ones that are just outside reasonable shooting distance where the player who is going to take it puts his hands on the ball and very carefully replaces it a further 6 inches forward... then while the ref is taking strides to make sure the wall is back 10 yards and he has his back facing the player taking the kick he will do the same thing again and gain another 6/12 inches
I can see a book in the making here Spooky.
'All managers are only 3 consecutive losses away from the sack rumours'
'If English they are only 3 consecutive wins away from the England job'
'All bloggers know that no-one remembers what they said last week so you can contradict yourself with impunity.'
No matter how well Spurs play JUST LOOK AT THE PRETTY FOOTBALL ARSENAL ARE PLAYING, LOOK LOOK !!!
When a shot is blocked, opposing fans must shout 'handball'. Closely followed by 2 minutes of the rival set fans mocking them with constant cries of 'handball'.
Also when we win it's a given because we have good players, when we lose, harry is tactically inept.
Gareth Bale is world class every time he makes an assist or scores a goal. When he doesn't he is yet another overrated british player.
When Arsenal lose, the ref is to blame.
When a bad tackle is made on an Arsenal player, the player should be retired immediately. When an Arsenal player makes a bad tackle, it's OK because he's sorry.
All arsenal shirts come with a snood attached but that's ok as well because they all suffer from stiff necks after deep-throating Arsene.
Defenders in a wall will take baby steps back to where the ref has signaled is 10 yards, then all nick 6 inches when he turns away!
Spurs must go on throwing away needless points at home (and away).
Spurs must not keep a clean sheet.
African players will where long sleeves and gloves all year round.
Jamie Redknapp must wear a skinny tie and rub his hands whilst talking to Richard Keys. It's contractual so unfortunately a written rule.
Alan Smith must mention Arsenal in every game in which he commentates on.
You must remember to blame Jenas for every bad pass, defeat and goal conceded by Spurs.
Alan Smith must always commentate on Spurs games on Sky Sports.
Every french playmaker will be referred as the next zidane and every argentine as the next maradonna.
Only the top four places in the Prem table matter. Nothing below the top four is important and should be dismissed as filler.
Football began in 1992.
If your name is Richard Keys and you present MNF or any other coverage of Premier League games make sure you are constantly laughing under your breath when speaking. Because for some inexplicably reason everything must be layered with laughter.
Women who hate football are stuck up cows but women who love football are geezer birds.
Football didnt exist before the Premier League.
Spooky - I think that's because the hair on his body tickles him as he moves.
I'm very hairy. I don't have the same problem.
When watching kids play sunday league, you must pick a fight with an opposing players dad.
spurs are a smaller club in every sense then Arsenal
A snood is not just for Christmas.
Arsenal fans should always aim to get their gloating text messages and phone calls and blog posts in at half time just in case they capitulate in the second half and nobody can get hold of them for weeks after.
All Man United fans are born smug.
Benoit's Law:
BAE's performance is directly linked to his choice of hairstyle on match day.
Studies are still under way but preliminary results show corn rows tapering into pony tail equals tight and tidy play with the occasional flair of brilliance that ultimately leads to a goal.
Afro poof makes everyone nervous.
When a player takes a corner, he must try to place the ball as far from the corner pin as possible - prefably outside the line. It has been proven that this extra millimetre leads to more goals scored from corners...obviously....
If a player scores an own goal he must lie flat out on the ground looking at the sky in disbelief
Jermaine Defoe must stay several yards offside during every game
When a player takes a penalty, he must stop or slow down mid-run-up, even though the laws forbid him to. Then when he scores, the ref must turn a blind eye to it, and focus on other pointless things such as whether the other players encroached on the penalty. The commentators must also pretend to be oblivious to this and never mention it, whilst the conceding team's fans swear at the tv! The commentators must also then talk about whether the goalie moved of his line or not.
When Fifa FINALLY bring in a GOOD rule, such as booking players who ask for or wave imaginary cards, they must then revert the rule or turn a blind eye to it - leaving the problem worse than ever.
Every player entering the field of play must have a ritual such as blessing themselves, praying to god or picking some grass and blowing it away.
No fan must return to his seat in time for the start of the second half.
Any toilet break taken during the match will incur the wrath of fans who have to move for you.
Any news of Arsenal losing must be cheered in the stands.
Any goal scored more than two yards away from Mark Clattenburg must be deemed otherwise.
Any action taken by the Tottenham board must be declared unjust by the West Ham board.
Every Spurs player who takes a penalty must miss at least once or more a season.
No two centre backs will be paired together for sequential games.
Robbie Keane shall no longer perform his "tumble and shoot" goal celebration.
Any fans sat in the West Stand must remain silent until a goal is scored.
Any fan told to sit down by a steward must sit down and then stand straight back up again as the steward turns his back.
If David Pleat is commentating on a Tottenham match, he will speak about the players on personal terms as if he still manages the team, even though he has never met them and can't pronounce their names correctly.
Brilliant read!
Here's another one:
In winter, there must be at least one player per team that wears a short sleeve shirt and gloves.