The Unwritten Rules of Football
Wednesday, December 22, 2010 at 12:03PM Here.
When a goalkeeper makes a spectacular save and is congratulated by his team mates he must furiously usher them away, pretending that the save meant absolutely nothing to him.
'The Magic sponge' has magical properties that can transform a player who appeared to be at deaths door into a fully fit athlete within seconds.
A chipped penalty that goes in is genius.
A chipped penalty that is saved, the taker instantly becomes the worst footballer ever.
In Sunday league, a throw-in deep in your own half will, without fail, will force an opposing to player to shout out 'BOX 'EM IN!!!!!!!
A player coming up to take a free kick anywhere on the pitch must pick the ball up and toss it forwards about 2 feet with a slight back spin.
Any contentious decision involving Arsenal must be unseen by Arsene Wenger.
All positive contributions by Peter Crouch must be disregarded in lieu of his height.
The obstruction rule must be ignored when defenders are shielding the ball in injury time.
Mike Riley must give a penalty at Old Trafford.
Defenders are exempt from the laws of diving. (Watch how many times a defender will jump on the floor under pressure around their own box, especially near the corner flags, and always get the decision!)
Teams with a free kick 'specialist' will somehow manage to get more free kicks in or around the box than teams without one.
When a contentious incident occurs in a game, the manager on the wrong end of the decision must furiously berate the fourth official, as if HE is responsible for the decision, presumably by exercising some sort of mind control over the referee.
The World Cup must be awarded to whichever potential host country is least practical.
Obstructing another player from getting the ball is perfectly acceptable when it is travelling out of play slowly, but anywhere else on the pitch and it will be called as a foul.
When a visiting player controls the ball with his chest 90% of the home crowd must berate the ref for missing an obvious handball.
When a goalkeeper has made a spectacular save sending the ball out for a corner, he must stand up, bang his hands together three times then bawl out a defender.
When a defender has made a spectacular block he cannot wince or rub the affected party of the body until the ball is upfield and all eyes have followed it. (edit: unless your name is Gomes)
The bloke who hardly ever goes to matches has to compensate for this by being the loudest and trying to start a song every three minutes, often standing with his back to the field of play, waving his arms frantically and trying to make eye contact with anyone stupid enough to return his gaze.*
*May only apply in The Paxton.
If Jack Wilshere runs with the ball, because he plays for Arsenal, he must surely be the best young player on the planet. Second best young player on the planet.
Matchday mascots must always have a bemused expression on their little faces and have absolutely no idea where the edge of the pitch they must run off to is located.
TV highlights of a match which show a substitution being made invariably mean the new player will have a hand in the next goal.
If you play for Stoke you can spend 30% of the match cleaning the ball with a towel without getting booked.
Reader Comments (84)
Gary Neville has the right to take a throw on at least 10 yards further up then where the ball went out.
The only time Chelsea and Man Utd players don't harass the ref for 90Mins is when they play each other, it's the only time they might disagree with them.
No Le Arse player ever has made a foul that Arsene has seen.
Football is boring when Spurs are not involved!
Ok the last one was slightly biased.
If the game shown live on tv is bland and boring it should be compared to a 'game of a chess'.
Almost half the Upper West Stand will leave before the end of the match, regardless of the score.
(Nice one Bruce Castle)
The Charity/Community sheild match must be built up by Sky tv weeks in advance, but then it must also be the most boring match on earth - leaving us pining for the REAL start to the season!
When a player recently becomes a father and scores a goal, he must immediately do a Bebeto cradle impression. This also means that we will never know when Wilson Palacios or Robbie Keane becomes a fathers....
Every co-commentetor on a Spurs game must be (a) an ex arsenal player
(b) someone from another team who just happens to hate us.
(c) David Pleat
mark lawrenson will always get his prediction for the spurs game wrong. Usually because he thinks we'll lose and on the rare occasion he opts for a spurs win if jinxes us!
Every team will have an official "free kick/corner shouter". This persons job is no make sure that every time the opposition have a corner or free kick near the box, he will shout "away!!!!" at the top of his voice as the ball is coming in. This is to assist his team who would never have considered this option without his kind thoughtful suggestion. This guy is always close to the TV camera's and can be clearly heard on tv every game.
The defensive dive is one of those things that annoys me the most in the modern game ...
You seen this lads?
http://www.tottenhamhotspur.com/festive-greetings-2010/
Pretty damn amusing
When Peter Crouch controls the ball with his feet, it must be remarked that he does indeed have a good touch for a big man.
When Peter Crouch has a rare opportunity to shoot, he is not allowed to kick it any harder than any of his passes.
If Paul Scholes shoves the ref , the ref deserved it. If any other player does the same he must instantly receive a 6 day matchban
A corner kick should be taken outside the corner arc
Keep ya dirty cockney hands off Big Andy Carroll
No problem you northern monkey. You make sure you handle Chris Houghton with care.
Oh wait...
If heaven forbid ManU aren't on TV then they will be the featured game on five live.
All well observed. By the way, the rare visitor showing himself up with his over-excitement does not only happen in the Paxton. It happens at every ground. The further they come from the more embarrassing it is. The Scandinavians, bless them, are particularly good at it, particularly when they get the words to the songs wrong.
Here's another rule:
If you are a football supporter from Birmingham or further north, you must demonstrate your ignorance by referring to anyone who lives south of Birmingham as a Cockney.
And that is even more embarrassing than over-exuberant Scandinavians.
Bernstein heads FA.Stuart Pierce will be next England Manager
Gomes must look like he is about to burst into tears after every challenge
The second the ball crosses over the white line to go out of play, every player within a 20 yard radius must stick his arm in the air (a la Tony Adams) claiming that the opposition had the last touch.
...............that if Arsenal have a result that betters that of Spurs, a prick called Brook will post on this blog and then vanish until this happens again.................
...........that Alan Hutton will constantly be found further up the field than Aaron Lennon...........
...........that Roman Pavlyuchenko generally looks like he is in serious man love with his Spurs team mates when he celebrates scoring one of his goals.........
(and finally, and most importantly of all).................if Arsenal get beat, it does not really count as they are only kids and are on a learning curve................
Luka Modric is the brother in law of Chuck Norris, therefore must not shoot with power for risk of maiming someone.
The League cup is a micky mouse cup if anyone else then Arsenal wins it
It's only Mickey Mouse as soon as your knocked out.
Arsenal fans are happier when Spurs lose than when the Gooners win....
Spurs have a great chance to win the league next season.
I will not disagree.
You know you're a Spurs fan when you're paranoid about Christmas, and can't really enjoy the leftovers on Boxing Day without fear that the festive season will all go tits up due to a dodgy run.
COYS 12 points from the next 3 please. And Santa, be kind to us in January. Merry whatevers to you all.
Merry Xmas.
Dodgy run? Visions of 2006.
We shall overcome. Harry has us pencilled in to win the title.
PLN: I would change that one to "Liverpool has a great chance to win the league next season". Feels like every year (except the last couple, of course) I hear a bunch of Liverpool fans claiming that THEY will win the title, or at least have as good a chance as any other team.