A day in the life of Arsene Wenger
Tuesday, November 23, 2010 at 1:00PM 8:05 am Wakes up. Showers, gets dressed plans breakfast. Can smell burning, toast is over-cooked. He did not see the heating dial had been pushed to its highest setting. Blames the wife.
8:25 am Breakfast finished. Doesn't accept full responsibility for doing the washing up. Then sees there's no Fairy Liquid left. Squats down to the floor and holds his head. "I just don't understand how it was not picked up when it was clearly on the shopping list. It's a mystery".
9:45 am Walks to the newsagents to pick up his morning paper. Man walking a dog brushes by him, shoulders touch. Screams "victimisation" to a police officer on the opposite of the road who ignores his plea, then tells the officer he's a disgrace for not offering protection to the blatant brutality he has been subjected too by the criminal dog-walker.
9:57 am On way home from newsagents, a car pulling out of the drive way fails to see a cyclist, knocking his bike over with the cyclist falling to the ground. The cyclist screams at the driver and asks Wenger for his assistance. Wenger replies, "I did not see the incident either", then continues walking.
11:04 am Has a right royal go at an old lady for littering after she accidently drops a tissue on the ground. "Disgraceful you should never walk down the street again". Walks away furiously muttering to himself, finishes off his Milky Bar, scrunches up the wrapper and throws it to the pavement. The old lady is about to point out to him that he's a hypocrite, but Wenger is already half way down the street, skipping, with fingers in ears, singing la la la la la la...
11:15 am Wife asks for help with the ironing. Wenger replies "If you do not believe you can do it then you have no chance at all".
12:14 pm Sky planner failed to record yesterdays 'Loose Women'. Throws cup of tea to the ground smashing it whilst uncomfortably shifting on the sofa looking perplexed.
2:01 pm Next door neighbour complains about the tree in Wenger's back garden that is blocking the sunlight. Wenger explains "I am one or two percent away from dominating the neighbourhood".
4:49 pm Buying dinner in M&S, gets to the cashier. Has forgotten his wallet at home. Takes the bottle of wine from the basket and throws it to the ground, smashing it. Blames the cashier for the incident.
5:15 pm Whilst dusting the living room, the wife suggests placing a lamp and an assortment of ornaments onto the coffee table. Wenger nods approvingly. Then waits for her to leave and moves everything onto the empty cabinet up against the wall.
6:30 pm Wife complains about a floater in the toilet basin and asks if he forgot to flush the loo to which he responds with "I do believe, errrrr".
7:19 pm Eating dinner, asks if there is any dessert. Wife points out he did the shopping so if he didn't pick any up there isn't any. Wenger throws his plate to the floor smashing it and then squats, shaking his head profusely. Pat Rice also shakes his head at lack of dessert.
8:44 pm Washing up the dishes after dinner, wife points out there is still no Fairy Liquid. Checks his shopping list from M&S and notes it was not on the list - again. Explains that statistically it should have been on the list as it's unlikely to be forgotten twice when it's essential to the workings of the kitchen. Doesn't quite understand how it's happened. Wife asks him to write it on the new shopping list for tomorrow. Wenger tells her he will do it later.
9:19 pm Winning by two laps and show-boating in Mario Kart Wii online, capitulates and crashes coming in second. Smashes controller to the ground. Then rants about how multi-player rival KosherArry cheated by firing an assortment of power-ups at him thus not allowing him to race properly. Complains this would never have happened on the N64 version which is far superior.
10:15 pm In bed with wife. She asks for some romantic attention. Wenger looks around to her and says, "I believe that this bedroom has a great future, and I'm sure we will show it next, if not this year...but probably next year".
Reader Comments (91)
SPURS & THEIR FANS: JEALOUS & DELUDED....
Fair enough Gooners- take all the titles, cups and charity shields you like- wouldn't swap them for the world.
I would rather be a spurs fan and take the schadenfreude enjoyment out of Arsenal slipping up (again), In fact there is no better feeling than watching gooners crying tears and snots, as they fail once more.
History? MMM... We MADE history as this club, you were doomed to repeat it.
you missed out:
'3:35pm arrange midweek trip to france to conduct some important business. Tells wife it is to do with trasfer activities.'
other than that nice to see the bi-polar lot are out today, still, defending their corner, in an entirely circular room, padded probably, in fact yes, defintely padded.
"Arsene Knows"......Ha Ha Ha COYS
Love your work Spooky. Not all of his players turn into arrogant twats though. More than the average I agree, but not all. Ian Wright, about the only goon I can respect, was very funny after the game on Saturday. Guessing most gooners missed that though....
Theo Walcott. Henry-lite.
Sorry Spooky- meant to say earlier- marvelous post!
YOUR BEST YET SPOOKY LOL
wenger is probably and will be the best manager goontown ever had post boring boring period.........but you cant help laughing when the camera hones in on his bottle throwing rants yeehah!.......in all the post weekend analysis goons were cutting his head off...a piece of parisien beheading le guillotine etc.....poor sod .....after all he.s done ........in the neibourhood
when Arsenal fans state what trophies they've won compared to Spurs, why don't they ever bring up European ones?
Why do gooners keep telling us what we won't do in their arguements? You won't get 4th, you won't qualify for the group stages, you'll never win at our place, you'll never do it again etc.
Don't know if you've caught Zonal Marking's match report for the NLD, but there's some severe WengerVision going on in the comments section.
All their arguments are 'we've done this and we've done that'. They'll be still using it 20 years time, looking back at the 90s.
Oh, stop it... you are a one..... my poor sides are splitting.... Oscar Wilde eat your heart out... You, sir, are a comedy genius.... Frankie Boyle, Michael McIntyre and crew will be s*tting their pants right now....... careers finished now the bar has been raised so high and satire has been more or less re-invented.....
How's about a day in the life of 'Arry next, now you have found your calling... ? You could start it something like this....
8 45 am..Wakes.... to loud banging downstairs.... pokes his head above the duvet to find a squad of old Bill have bust down his door and are now searching under the bed for brown paper bags full of cash. They assume he is w*nking 'cos his head is bouncing about and one eye is shut but then realise it's 'Arry just having an early morning twitch. Calms down when he realises it's not a bunch of Pompey, Southampton or Hammers fans after his nuts for leaving their clubs in the shi*e.
8 55 am.... Led off in cuffs to help plod with their enquiries. Tells the missus .." Get my brief down there pronto, gal, strike a light and get me sheepskin from the bottom of the apples and pears.".... Marches off all elbows and knees up Muvva Brahn.....
11 25hrs.... 'Arry's brief gives a 'no comment' prepared statement at the stairs of the local nick as he's bailed out. 'Arry can't keep his maaafff shut though, throws one arm round the lawyer and announces " 'E's a triffic lad wiv a triffic attitude..." Before they lead him away muttering...
11 35hrs.. Robbie Keane makes a statement to the press that Spurs are now officially better than Arsenal because Wenger's brief would probably have taken longer to get bail..... etc... etc....
Feel free to use this as a start and let me knoow how you get on.....
We need something more exciting: A day in the life Huerelho Gomes. Que the funk music.
I swell with pride when someone calls me a cunt. To have angered the blood in someone I don't even know for them to react in this manner. Lovely.
Superb melt down there from the gooner.
Arsenal fans have gone from telling us 'look at what were winning' to 'look at what we won five years back'. Well done on the silverware but your own comments display that you are stagnant. Not a great team but a decent team but one on the slide or dare I say transition. It's no fucking big deal to admit that so man up already.
Pick on the weakest and most vulnerable kid why don't you?
5 a.m Wakes up in a sweat shouting 'It wasn't a freekick, or a penalty. I know because I never saw them both'
Wife comforts him by saying' Its ok Arsene it's not one of your nightmares. It actually happened.
Arsene smashes glass containing false teeth. Pat Rice turns over and comforts Mrs Wenger who is getting very vexed by Arsene's temper tantrums.
'He was so relaxed last week. He said it was only Tottenham on Saturday'
Ah Cyril i'm sorry I hadn't realised I had been funny. I lost my sense of humour (such as it was) after reading on a few arse blogs that the world had ended at some stage over the weekend. Got desperate around lunchtime so started looking for something cheerful or at the very least funny. where better to look to than our dear neighbours domains I thought... Sadly it didn't pan out too well. What's with all the thinly veiled bitterness? I'd have been running round islington with my .co.ck hanging out or however that song goes had the foreskin been on the other surgical implement, for joy I tells you, joy... well relief... but some joy in there too I assure you. Ah well, there's always next year, or the year after, or the year after, or the year af... Oh god, none of it matters does it! We're wasting our lives people!
Love love x
ps. Loved the ar.se sign off, it's like you took what I wroted and like flipped it round and made it your own or something, maa gowd.
The Arses are now a team officially trading off their--admittedly, quite good--history. The default response to being outplayed, outworked and outfought by Spurs in the last two league meetings is "we've won the league more than you." Which is true--congrats--but says absolutely nothing about what is happening today.
Hurry up with the Bremen pre-match blog please Spooky.
Some of us are busy earning €300 a week and have to feed pussy.
Nice one frontwheel!
Arsenal fans back here in 3 2 1.....
Shame Tom -- looks like the comedy inspiration has run out. Follow up not nearly as scintillating as the earlier post.
Still, what memories, eh, what a comedy career! (one post: co.ck)
The troll baiting appears to be running a close second to the article, which is brilliant as usual!
So, can we assume that arsenal are imploding this season after tonights game too?
The sad thing about the Gooners who come on here slagging us off is that, once Arsenal start to really decline, they will be the first ones heading off to "support" Chelsea, or Man City, or Man Utd.... they're only in it for the smug arrogance so they can feel superior to someone.
'Rice also shakes his head at lack of dessert'
Love it! Muller rice all over my computer screen.
Nov 23, 2010 at 1:17 PM | Paolo Shapiro
Oh...is that what you call it now!!!!!
Troubled Werder Bremen on Tuesdaya arrived for a Champions League match
at Tottenham Hotspur with just 12 regular squad players as coach Thomas Schaaf had to fill the ranks with six third-division amateurs and a junior.
Captain Torsten Frings and striker star Claudio Pizarro lead a list of 10 players who are missing the game due to suspension or injury.
Instead, Felix Kroos, the brother of Bayern Munich's Germany midfielder Toni Kroos, and Dominik Schmidt are set to be in the starting 11 at White Heart Lane on Wednesday. Neither of them has played in the Bundesliga, let alone in Europe.
'It is a difficult task, given our personnel. But it is quite attractive that no one expects a lot from us,' said Schaaf.
Nov 23, 2010 at 2:44 PM | Bruce Castle
This has a hint of the Wigan game about it. Should be easy....lost 1-0
Really hope i'm wrong though
@ Fatyidc*nt
You cant put Frankie Boyle and.
Michael McIntyre in the same sentence really. McIntyre is not funny.
The Fairy Liquid mystery has been solved
You cant buy Fairy Liquid in M&S...only their own brand of washing up liquid.
(it would have been great if Arsene looked at the list in M&S and saw Fairy Liquid on it couldn't find it and went home and threw the wife/pat rice on the ground in disgust)
Tomtraubert..... I stand corrected. Spot on.
So...... spooky.... you assumed my nom de plume was somehow a reference to you and that I had called you a cunt..... was meltingdown, etc.... It was never my intention. In fact it had never crossed my mind... Far from melting down I was merely trying to enter into the spirit of things..now you have created ripples of such hilarity. How would I know you are fat anyhoooo?? You don't seem to have any pics up.... so, did I hit a raw nerve? Are you actually one of those lardos on the terrace with tops off and rolls of gut trembling as you jump up and down? Is that why you don't have a pic up?? Or is it more likely that, as you describe yourself as a 'full time blogger'.. ie.. no job... that you don't want the Benefits Agency to know you are scalping a wee bit of cash off on the side ... naughty.. naughty......
So....
A day in the life of Spooky.......
1115 am... Wakes up.... farts into his fat lad's Y -fronts.... goes back to sleep......
1145 am... Wakes up again.... Remarks to himself how incredibly dark it seems...Then realises he forgot to take the gimp mask off. As he's just thought of something funny about Arsene (something that no-one's ever thought of before... ok..maybe not..) decides to get to work on the 'ahem' full time job straight away..... Rolls out of bed and navigates a path through the pie wrappers and crusty handy andies to the letterbox to check if the giro has arrived.....
1155 am.. Quick peek through the curtains to check there's no benefits agency snoopers trying to catch him 'working'..... Catches a glimpse of his fat witless, loser, wannabe- articulate- and- liked self in the reflection of the screen as it boots up, realises he is a sad, fat loser without an ounce of wit or intellect... loses the will to live...
Shame. If you were actually funny all of that effort might have worked.
Let's talk football.
Not enough banter about this:
Arsenal 2 Tottenham 3.
Here's Joooooooohny !
Stalker.
Yeah... here's Johnny .... Johnny from the Benefits Agency fraud investigation section..... stalking you, you bent thieving f**ker.... Just say you ain't claiming.... stick a picture of yourself up and we'll leave it at that.... Full-time blogger my arse!
Oh, are you still on about it? Everyone else grew up and moved on a long time ago. Seeing as you see blogging as being so contemptible, perhaps you'd like to try it sometime? Keeping people's interest is much harder than it looks, especially when you're a sneering idiot with little of interest to say, apart from trying to get people to rise to your cheap bait. There, I just replied without a semblance of personal abuse whatsoever. Shocking, isn't it? But it can be done, if you try. Sadly, you don't seem able to.
Someone called someone else fat on the internet = end of days.
Spooky you're not full time blogging are you?
Yes. Much like I'm in full time work also. And much like our troll is a full time cunt.
Zing.
Arguing on the internet is like running in the special olympics, even if you win, you're still fucking retarded...
So many butthurt gooners in here, it's hilarious.
ive just signed for arsenal