Tottenham Hotspur White Hart Lane Survival Kit
Friday, November 12, 2010 at 1:01PM Going to the Lane for another feast of swashbuckling football? Got your replica kit on and packed your Muller Rice? Don’t forget your pocket money for that pre-match burger and match day programme. Come on you Spurs! But if it’s your first time and you’re concerned you might not quite fit into the North London ambiance then don’t fret. This compact guide will make sure you’re up to speed on exactly how to blend into the multitude of white and blue inside the ground and then stand out as a genuine balls deep loyal Spurs supporter who goes to every game!
So a massive welcome to the survival kit that will guide you through the perfect WHL experience. Up the Spurs!
Arrival
Turn up ten minutes before kick-off and get yourself a cheeky bottle of beer to quench your thirst. Don’t worry about missing the opening exchanges, it takes time for both teams to settle and you can always catch the action on the various television sets available inside the stand or read a match report after the game and base your appraisals and criticisms on that (good idea is to Sky+ Match of the Day to make sure you have all the talking points covered for Monday at work).
Kick-off
When you get to your seat start singing. Don’t worry too much about having to learn countless chants before the game as there are only two songs to memorise. Follow what the other fans are doing by slowly singing with arms aloft and fingers dancing. If you’re in the South Stand make sure you participate in the in-game entertainment with the stewards. When they say sit, get your bum on the seat and the moment they walk on by you stand. Game lasts for a good 30 minutes. So with 15 minute left of the half get yourself down back into the stand for another beer and watch the reminder of the game on one of the television sets.
At any given moment inspire the team by singing ‘Stand up if you hate Arsenal’.
Half-time
Enjoy another beer and chat amongst mates. Wait until the second half kicks off then go to the toilet. There should be a massive queue, but that’s okay. Watch the game on one of the television sets as you wait. Then once inside the toilet area, if you’ve forgotten your cigarettes it’s no problem, just breathe in the air around you and exhale. Use one of the cubicles if you want to p*ss on the floor then get yourself another sneaky beer before returning to your seat.
Second-half
If you don’t know what’s going on in terms of performance, just make sure you shout abuse for any one of these players, even if they’re not playing: Jermaine Jenas, Peter Crouch, David Bentley, William Gallas, Robbie Keane. Other fans will know you know your football inside out and give you deserved respect with an accompanying nod and smile.
Inspire the team by singing ‘Stand up if you hate Arsenal’.
If we score, celebrate and tell everyone ‘I told you so’. If we concede use any one of these shouts to berate the goal:
“F*cking useless Jenas”*
“F*ck off Jenas”
“For fucks sake Jenas”
“JJ you’re sh*t”
*replace Jenas with one of the aforementioned players, i.e. Bentley, Keane to suit the occasion.
If there is no goal mouth action or if there is a lull in the game, make sure you keep yourself interested by shouting out :
“F*cking useless Jenas”*
“F*ck off Jenas”
“For fucks sake Jenas”
“JJ you’re sh*t”
Remember, it’s okay to slate a player and then celebrate when said player scores. They owe you. And it’s thanks to the abuse that they’ve reacted positively.
Inspire the team by singing ‘Stand up if you hate Arsenal’.
Full-time
If we fail to win this means it’s the managers fault due to lack of movement on bench/shouting/substitutions and he’s therefore not good enough. Cite Martin Jol.
When the final whistle has actually blown make sure to confirm we’ve drawn or lost by listening to car radios as you walk down the High Road or by checking the BBC live reports via 3G on your smart-phone. If you’ve remained at or inside the ground use one of the following actions to illustrate your disapproval:
- Last season’s booklet season ticket + a book of matches. Light up the booklet then throw onto the pitch. Make sure to foam at mouth and tell everyone around you that Harry has to go and that Crouch is a donkey.
- String up an effigy and tell the stewards ‘there used to be a football club here’.
- Reference the ‘dark days’ and say the club is going backwards and the sooner Harry is out the better.
- Boo at the referee but with the knowledge that it will kill two cockerels with one stone by also being interpreted as a boo for the players trudging off the pitch. Which they deserve if there has been a failure to capture the three points, what with you paying £50 for ninety minutes of depressive one dimensional football. They're not paid 40k a week to disappoint and experience blips. It's outrageous. Throw your wallet at a steward who asks you to calm down and inform him 'There you go, this club has bled me dry and has given me nothing back, I have nothing now'. Tell the officer leading you away he's a protector of the fascist bourgeoisie that want to replace true fans with neutral families who dislike a bit of a passion and colourful language and strong tribal instinctive reactions.
Remember, if you are seated in the West Stand under stadium regulations, you must leave at the 80 minute mark. Fans in other parts of the ground should stand within a metre of the exits watching the closing minutes of the game on the tv sets allowing for a quick getaway in order to claim a choice seat on the bus/train/tube home. If a goal is scored, run back in the direction of the stand and join in. If you’re urinating at the time, make sure you celebrate but remember – if there are others standing by your side at the urinals, do not cross the streams.
Post-game
Draw up a mental list of replacement managers and new players and start planning your on-line rant for when you hit the forums cursing the lack of ingenuity from the team, unless we won the game where in this case you should reference the top 4 and how great we are and that we will finish in a CL position again.
COYS.
Reader Comments (68)
Thanks Spooky, now I know where I have been going wrong.
"At any given moment inspire the team by singing ‘Stand up if you hate Arsenal"
"Use one of the cubicles if you want to p*ss on the floor"
Two brilliant lines.
lmao - so true!
Very good but too true to life for many of us.
I never will understand why anyone bothers to sing about how much we hate arseholes when we're playing (for example) Sunderland. It makes us look like we're as obsessed with them as they (and WHU) are with us.
Exceptional stuff. You missed the bit about sleeping in the Paxton if you want a quiet 90 minutes.
and don't forget a laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaavly bit of bacon on your burger too!
Is it important to reminisce about days of yore and resting your pint on the Shelf?
Spot on.....but remember to make sure you file past the away supporters giving them a load of s**t about them being the scum of the earth. They'll be from Blackburn - they'll deserve it. Oh, and a couple of rousing "_ _ _ _ _ _. you're a c**t" - especially when we can't break down the oppo's defence and the referee has done everything webbily possible to ensure we didn't win the game.
But do you know what, I'll be there.
So much of this is true its not funny. Thankfully its a minority.
I think.
brilliant post nd all ohh so true,u just got to love supporting the tottenham,last time i was there a fellow yid pissed on my leg nd the scary thing is i didnt care,we'd just beaten arsenal,happy days
Does the advice come in a handy membership pack?
Yes. 3 points please. Anything else just ruins my fucking life, and I don't care if I show it as described above. I have also been known to beat my kids and kick the cat. They're having a tough season so far.
Cracking match preview.
I read that line at the start as 'you’re concerned you might not quite fit into the North London ambulance'...
Plenty of fat bastards falling over in the queue for burgers probably wouldn't.
Genius.
I must admit the WHL bogs are some of the worst I've ever seen. Will never forget the time the urinals were completely full of piss but as there was no where else to go everyone just kept pissing in them and there was a yellow sea on the floor about 2 inches deep. Decided never to wear new trainers there again after that day and threw them in the wash as soon as I got home.
What happened to that steward who everyone in the Park Lane called a paedophile when he asked us to sit down. Is he still around?
Jenas bashing. It's in the season ticket purchase small print.
"What happened to that steward who everyone in the Park Lane called a paedophile when he asked us to sit down. Is he still around?"
Is this the daft looking bloke who always tries to kick the ball back into touch? Got a bit of the Norman Wisdoms about him.
So, we in crisis if we fail to win on Saturday????
I'm going to riot.
In terms of results, its a mini-crisis. But knowing us we'll produce a dvd performance over at the Emirates and kick start our season there.
Ha ha, brilliant Spooky, very close to the bone.
You did forget the part about demonstrating our love and respect for our club captain by constantly comparing him to an overweight, morally corrupt former player. I'm sure that makes our King feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
Genius :)
Soooooo accurate.
You could add the following to full-time too:
- If Harry makes a weird tactical choice through substitiution or re-positioning players during a match that may be lost easily, make sure you slate it if we lose or praise it forevermore if we end up winning the match.
- Make sure you place your orders for the DVD of the match you went to as a lasting memory of the big important talking points such as Van Der Vaart walking onto the pitch, Gomes warming up and Jenas picking his nose :)
Sorry that was a bit below the belt lol.
- If Harry makes a weird tactical choice through substitiution or re-positioning players during a match that may be lost easily, make sure you slate it if we lose or praise it forevermore if we end up winning the match.
/\ So so true /\
Much like how we win a game were world beaters, lose it and we're on the slippery slide to oblivion.
Spooky, that steward has been replaced by the guy who paces up and down with his shirt half tucked in half out, a real maverick steward. Has anyone ever seen the St Joh ambulance fella who stands down in the corner of park lane near the shelf, he is always singing the songs!! Yido.
Please god we need 3 points tomorrow, I can't remember the last time I watched MOTD on a sat night.
Spot on Spooky, except you 'quench' your thirst and 'clench' your buttocks, especially when we're one nil up with ten minutes to go. It's the Spurs way.
just so I'm certain....Gallas is a mole sent by Arsenal to fuck up our defence? How was this not any more obvious from the start?!
"Clench" your buttocks - like it. Spurs fans have probably got the neatest arses in the Premiership then (not that I'm interested or anything).
"If you don’t know what’s going on in terms of performance, just make sure you shout abuse for any one of these players" - excellent and spot on!
And the third last paragraph, another favourite of mine.
Wouldn't be a post from me if I didn't get at least one typo in there.
80th minute? I make sure I leave after 25 to make sure I get home with plenty of time to spare.
"Is this the daft looking bloke who always tries to kick the ball back into touch? Got a bit of the Norman Wisdoms about him."
Maybe Spooks, although if memory serves he had a haircut that looked like his Mum did it with a mixing bowl...?
Looked a bit like Keith Lard out of Phoenix Nights but without the tash...
http://s3.amazonaws.com/twitter_production/profile_images/77278742/Keith_Lard_bigger.jpg
Trying to remember the blokes name (the one I know) but pretty sure he doesn't have that hair cut, although that is also familiar.
Love it.
Christ and I thought I was missing something by worshipping from afar these last 40yrs.
Its definately all gone downhill since the 60's. But what hasn't?
No wonder Harry has such contempt for fans.
Remember all Managers are only two consecutive losses away from sacking rumours,
Except Sir Alex and Arsene of course.
And all good teams are two players short of World domination.
I hope this your vivid imaginaton at work Spooky but I fear not.
And there I was saving up for a season ticket.
Might just take Mrs JimmyG2 on that Winter Cruise after all.
I recently signed Jenas for my PES2011 Sampdoria Team. I must say, he's performing the way I expected, plenty of energy and plenty of wayward passes. I may get rid after one season, much like Spurs should have done.
Goldfish bowl my buttocks...
Lovely article, I could almost smell the urinals. Mmmmmm.
Your sitting next to me right?
CEJ we were almost ejected when we asked him to tuck his shirt in maybe it was because we were standing when we said it
for me going to the lane is still a big thing , what whit is costing me a fortune and not being able to come over very often , but i have noticed the things you are writing about
The stewards and security in England are pretty bad , saw i guy getting kicked out of the grounds for standing up a bit to often , it's a bloody football game , off course we are going to shout and stand up ...
do you think they've factored in the sea of piss in the plans for the northumberland development project? You know, just to maximise the atmosphere and authenticity of the experience. Nice work. A*
Worthy of Top Five News Now Spooky.
Cheers Greg.
When I used to go in the 70s to watch Spurs it was totally different to how it is now. Now it is more like going to the opera as a spectator than what we used to have.
I used to think we had escaped the plastic fans because of years of failure but we have them and we hear them if we lose with that pathetic booing and barracking of individual players. No surprise Harry gets fed up with them. I say much worse about them myself.
Still at least the majority of Spurs supporters are not like that and can still make for great nights and drown out the idiots too.
Lots of positives today and of course ... some negatives (wouldn't be a yid if I didn't see the glass half empty)
I really think that shoring up the defense is more important than even getting a striker.
Nice to see us put some in today though and even though we let down in classic Spurs fashion I think that win will do a lot for the team's confidence.
Also I think Gomes has been a bit sketchy lately.
Jenas was good today
“F*cking useless Jenas”*
....and Pav, too
Few words for Twitchy’s brainfart:
If you complain about number of games and a “depleted” team, ffs, quit running key players into the ground. And when you fucking finally decide to make some changes do it in a way to retain the established balance and pressure on opponents at home, and not to cowardly try to close the shop. Defense was playing great until your subs “invited” more pressure from the already beaten Rovers by crippling the midfield. It’s plain stupid to replace one of team attacking engines (instead of f*cking Jenas) with WP while Kranky, an unused midfield creator whom you will soon need, chills his balls on the pine and can't get a sniff(?).
JJ is gearing up for the NLD and his obligatory goal.
I do hope so
JJ looked ok yesterday, Pav was shit he makes Robert Rosario look clinical