Tottenham Hotspur White Hart Lane Survival Kit

Going to the Lane for another feast of swashbuckling football? Got your replica kit on and packed your Muller Rice? Don’t forget your pocket money for that pre-match burger and match day programme. Come on you Spurs! But if it’s your first time and you’re concerned you might not quite fit into the North London ambiance then don’t fret. This compact guide will make sure you’re up to speed on exactly how to blend into the multitude of white and blue inside the ground and then stand out as a genuine balls deep loyal Spurs supporter who goes to every game!

So a massive welcome to the survival kit that will guide you through the perfect WHL experience. Up the Spurs!

Arrival

Turn up ten minutes before kick-off and get yourself a cheeky bottle of beer to quench your thirst. Don’t worry about missing the opening exchanges, it takes time for both teams to settle and you can always catch the action on the various television sets available inside the stand or read a match report after the game and base your appraisals and criticisms on that (good idea is to Sky+ Match of the Day to make sure you have all the talking points covered for Monday at work).

Kick-off

When you get to your seat start singing. Don’t worry too much about having to learn countless chants before the game as there are only two songs to memorise. Follow what the other fans are doing by slowly singing with arms aloft and fingers dancing. If you’re in the South Stand make sure you participate in the in-game entertainment with the stewards. When they say sit, get your bum on the seat and the moment they walk on by you stand. Game lasts for a good 30 minutes. So with 15 minute left of the half get yourself down back into the stand for another beer and watch the reminder of the game on one of the television sets.

At any given moment inspire the team by singing ‘Stand up if you hate Arsenal’.

Half-time

Enjoy another beer and chat amongst mates. Wait until the second half kicks off then go to the toilet. There should be a massive queue, but that’s okay. Watch the game on one of the television sets as you wait. Then once inside the toilet area, if you’ve forgotten your cigarettes it’s no problem, just breathe in the air around you and exhale. Use one of the cubicles if you want to p*ss on the floor then get yourself another sneaky beer before returning to your seat.

Second-half

If you don’t know what’s going on in terms of performance, just make sure you shout abuse for any one of these players, even if they’re not playing: Jermaine Jenas, Peter Crouch, David Bentley, William Gallas, Robbie Keane. Other fans will know you know your football inside out and give you deserved respect with an accompanying nod and smile.

Inspire the team by singing ‘Stand up if you hate Arsenal’.

If we score, celebrate and tell everyone ‘I told you so’. If we concede use any one of these shouts to berate the goal:

“F*cking useless Jenas”*
“F*ck off Jenas”
“For fucks sake Jenas”
“JJ you’re sh*t”

*replace Jenas with one of the aforementioned players, i.e. Bentley, Keane to suit the occasion.

If there is no goal mouth action or if there is a lull in the game, make sure you keep yourself interested by shouting out :

“F*cking useless Jenas”*
“F*ck off Jenas”
“For fucks sake Jenas”
“JJ you’re sh*t”

Remember, it’s okay to slate a player and then celebrate when said player scores. They owe you. And it’s thanks to the abuse that they’ve reacted positively.

Inspire the team by singing ‘Stand up if you hate Arsenal’.

Full-time

If  we fail to win this means it’s the managers fault due to lack of movement on bench/shouting/substitutions and he’s therefore not good enough. Cite Martin Jol.

When the final whistle has actually blown make sure to confirm we’ve drawn or lost by listening to car radios as you walk down the High Road or by checking the BBC live reports via 3G on your smart-phone. If you’ve remained at or inside the ground use one of the following actions to illustrate your disapproval:

- Last season’s booklet season ticket + a book of matches. Light up the booklet then throw onto the pitch. Make sure to foam at mouth and tell everyone around you that Harry has to go and that Crouch is a donkey.

- String up an effigy and tell the stewards ‘there used to be a football club here’.

- Reference the ‘dark days’ and say the club is going backwards and the sooner Harry is out the better.

- Boo at the referee but with the knowledge that it will kill two cockerels with one stone by also being interpreted as a boo for the players trudging off the pitch. Which they deserve if there has been a failure to capture the three points, what with you paying £50 for ninety minutes of depressive one dimensional football. They're not paid 40k a week to disappoint and experience blips. It's outrageous. Throw your wallet at a steward who asks you to calm down and inform him 'There you go, this club has bled me dry and has given me nothing back, I have nothing now'. Tell the officer leading you away he's a protector of the fascist bourgeoisie that want to replace true fans with neutral families who dislike a bit of a passion and colourful language and strong tribal instinctive reactions.

Remember, if you are seated in the West Stand under stadium regulations, you must leave at the 80 minute mark. Fans in other parts of the ground should stand within a metre of the exits watching the closing minutes of the game on the tv sets allowing for a quick getaway in order to claim a choice seat on the bus/train/tube home. If a goal is scored, run back in the direction of the stand and join in. If you’re urinating at the time, make sure you celebrate but remember – if there are others standing by your side at the urinals, do not cross the streams.

Post-game

Draw up a mental list of replacement managers and new players and start planning your on-line rant for when you hit the forums cursing the lack of ingenuity from the team, unless we won the game where in this case you should reference the top 4 and how great we are and that we will finish in a CL position again.

COYS.