Tottenham Hotspur White Hart Lane Survival Kit
Friday, November 12, 2010 at 1:01PM Going to the Lane for another feast of swashbuckling football? Got your replica kit on and packed your Muller Rice? Don’t forget your pocket money for that pre-match burger and match day programme. Come on you Spurs! But if it’s your first time and you’re concerned you might not quite fit into the North London ambiance then don’t fret. This compact guide will make sure you’re up to speed on exactly how to blend into the multitude of white and blue inside the ground and then stand out as a genuine balls deep loyal Spurs supporter who goes to every game!
So a massive welcome to the survival kit that will guide you through the perfect WHL experience. Up the Spurs!
Arrival
Turn up ten minutes before kick-off and get yourself a cheeky bottle of beer to quench your thirst. Don’t worry about missing the opening exchanges, it takes time for both teams to settle and you can always catch the action on the various television sets available inside the stand or read a match report after the game and base your appraisals and criticisms on that (good idea is to Sky+ Match of the Day to make sure you have all the talking points covered for Monday at work).
Kick-off
When you get to your seat start singing. Don’t worry too much about having to learn countless chants before the game as there are only two songs to memorise. Follow what the other fans are doing by slowly singing with arms aloft and fingers dancing. If you’re in the South Stand make sure you participate in the in-game entertainment with the stewards. When they say sit, get your bum on the seat and the moment they walk on by you stand. Game lasts for a good 30 minutes. So with 15 minute left of the half get yourself down back into the stand for another beer and watch the reminder of the game on one of the television sets.
At any given moment inspire the team by singing ‘Stand up if you hate Arsenal’.
Half-time
Enjoy another beer and chat amongst mates. Wait until the second half kicks off then go to the toilet. There should be a massive queue, but that’s okay. Watch the game on one of the television sets as you wait. Then once inside the toilet area, if you’ve forgotten your cigarettes it’s no problem, just breathe in the air around you and exhale. Use one of the cubicles if you want to p*ss on the floor then get yourself another sneaky beer before returning to your seat.
Second-half
If you don’t know what’s going on in terms of performance, just make sure you shout abuse for any one of these players, even if they’re not playing: Jermaine Jenas, Peter Crouch, David Bentley, William Gallas, Robbie Keane. Other fans will know you know your football inside out and give you deserved respect with an accompanying nod and smile.
Inspire the team by singing ‘Stand up if you hate Arsenal’.
If we score, celebrate and tell everyone ‘I told you so’. If we concede use any one of these shouts to berate the goal:
“F*cking useless Jenas”*
“F*ck off Jenas”
“For fucks sake Jenas”
“JJ you’re sh*t”
*replace Jenas with one of the aforementioned players, i.e. Bentley, Keane to suit the occasion.
If there is no goal mouth action or if there is a lull in the game, make sure you keep yourself interested by shouting out :
“F*cking useless Jenas”*
“F*ck off Jenas”
“For fucks sake Jenas”
“JJ you’re sh*t”
Remember, it’s okay to slate a player and then celebrate when said player scores. They owe you. And it’s thanks to the abuse that they’ve reacted positively.
Inspire the team by singing ‘Stand up if you hate Arsenal’.
Full-time
If we fail to win this means it’s the managers fault due to lack of movement on bench/shouting/substitutions and he’s therefore not good enough. Cite Martin Jol.
When the final whistle has actually blown make sure to confirm we’ve drawn or lost by listening to car radios as you walk down the High Road or by checking the BBC live reports via 3G on your smart-phone. If you’ve remained at or inside the ground use one of the following actions to illustrate your disapproval:
- Last season’s booklet season ticket + a book of matches. Light up the booklet then throw onto the pitch. Make sure to foam at mouth and tell everyone around you that Harry has to go and that Crouch is a donkey.
- String up an effigy and tell the stewards ‘there used to be a football club here’.
- Reference the ‘dark days’ and say the club is going backwards and the sooner Harry is out the better.
- Boo at the referee but with the knowledge that it will kill two cockerels with one stone by also being interpreted as a boo for the players trudging off the pitch. Which they deserve if there has been a failure to capture the three points, what with you paying £50 for ninety minutes of depressive one dimensional football. They're not paid 40k a week to disappoint and experience blips. It's outrageous. Throw your wallet at a steward who asks you to calm down and inform him 'There you go, this club has bled me dry and has given me nothing back, I have nothing now'. Tell the officer leading you away he's a protector of the fascist bourgeoisie that want to replace true fans with neutral families who dislike a bit of a passion and colourful language and strong tribal instinctive reactions.
Remember, if you are seated in the West Stand under stadium regulations, you must leave at the 80 minute mark. Fans in other parts of the ground should stand within a metre of the exits watching the closing minutes of the game on the tv sets allowing for a quick getaway in order to claim a choice seat on the bus/train/tube home. If a goal is scored, run back in the direction of the stand and join in. If you’re urinating at the time, make sure you celebrate but remember – if there are others standing by your side at the urinals, do not cross the streams.
Post-game
Draw up a mental list of replacement managers and new players and start planning your on-line rant for when you hit the forums cursing the lack of ingenuity from the team, unless we won the game where in this case you should reference the top 4 and how great we are and that we will finish in a CL position again.
COYS.
Reader Comments (68)
Just watched the game and JJ did look more than ok at thimes , going forward and showing a bit of skill , defense was a bit shaky and Pav should ave scored at least that penalty
Decent performance yesterday.
Not too dissimilar to a few games but we got the early goal which opened the game up.
Not our first XI but all the back ups did fine but as usual this season just the strikers not taking chances.
A better striker than Pav woul have had a hat trick.
If we can target a couple of strikers in January they should be able to score plenty from the openings our midfield provides and the defence has conceded less than this time last year which is all good.
Now I feel a hell of a lot better about having drawn to Sunderland.
am I right in saying we now have 1 more point after 13 games than we did last year?
Well done sunderland and stoke this weekend also.
"Now I feel a hell of a lot better about having drawn to Sunderland." nycyid
how do you feel about the home draw against Everton?
Have you asked the same question on Man Utd blogs?
Idiot.
Ignore him, he might go away
Welcome back Brook, we all really missed your bs.
Anyone who thinks Pav was shit yesterday clearly only caught the highlights on match of the day. I know he missed a sitter and then a pen (which took far too long to be taken thanks to blackburn players taking their sweet sweet time to retreat.) but he ran the channels all game, held the ball up well, rarely wasted his first touch and had a couple of good efforts saved - one of which crouch scored from. Oh yeah. and he scored a superb header, cleverly hanging back while crouch drew the two centre backs.
I've not seen a CF play like that for us this season. He worked hard for the team and created havoc in their defence.
Special mention to the crowd at the game who cheered him on even after the two misses. That is proper football support and I was very proud to join in the super pav chants as you could just tell he was on it yesterday and would score eventually.
I'm not in the Pav fan club, but credit needs to be given to players when they play well. Not just focus on what they did wrong. Same goes for Jenas. He was superb and I think we could have done with him against Sunderland too.
/\ This /\
Mr Mulder , couldn't agree more !
Fox Mulder is bang on; pav put in a very good performance and showed some of his class when linking up with vdv and modric. He is not known for missing sitters and everyone at spurs has missed a penalty at some point. With more games he will get better; needs to play next week; so much better than crouch
The only thing (other than the penalty) is that he sometimes lacks the will to give an assist when another player is better positioned
I agree with Fox. Thought Pav played really well all game and the first miss was more of a surprise than the penalty miss. Also worth mentioning is Assou-Ekotto - excellent and also how useful Crouch is to have on the pitch when we have to defend a high ball into the box bombardment.
The wife managed to get her Pav comment spot on once again.
She slagged him and Crouch off a few weeks back and on Saturday, when we got the penalty I said he'd stick it to the keeper's right (which he did) while she said he'd miss the goal completely.
That's the last time I let her watch the game online..... she's a bloody curse!
Sounds like you went to the game Deadly? Worth every penny?
Massive mentalist pro-Jenas love-in on its way this evening.
How come every time we come to play L'Arse, we rack up one injury after another ?
Last season we were missing Lennon, Defoe and Modric, this season it looks like we have King, Dawson, Woodgate, Defoe, Lennon and Huddlestone out.
By my reckoning that's half our first choice outfield starting eleven unavailable.
Watched the Chelsea game yesterday and without Terry, Alex, Essien and Lampard they were a shadow of their normal selves. And their bench was really weak, far weaker than ours.
The times they are a changing. Has Abramovich decided to stop throwing money at the club ?
We have had to play fourth, fifth and sixth choice CB all season and after seeing Chelseas third and fourth choices yesterday, maybe we are not doing too badly.