This really winds me up
Thursday, October 28, 2010 at 12:59PM There are many things in life that wind me up. Things that pull at my nerve endings till they break through my skin and then proceed to strum a tune with them. The type of ear-bleeding, head-pounding, gritted-teeth…oh please just do one type of wind up.
For example, I cannot stand the London Underground. I use it so therefore tolerate and thus deal with it because I have no other choice. I generally find it to be the toilet basin of travel with everyone taking an anti-social dump of frustration in it. And never flushing.
What grates me is the complete lack of social decorum and lack of common courtesy. Perhaps it's an English problem. We find it easier to be rude, obnoxious and generally shy away from doing a good deed because…well, someone else will do it for you, won't they? Best illustrated by people who suddenly fall asleep or bury their heads in their newspapers when a pregnant lady walks on clutching her bump, never looking directly at someone, waiting for that rare moment of chivalry.
What is tenfold worse than people who show a blatant disregard are the ilk of people who are oblivious. Honestly, hand on heart, if I was ever to go postal, then I'd do so on the Central Line. Nothing worse than numptys who have absolutely know sense if their surroundings and just sleep-walk around waiting for the Tube fairies to guide them to their destination.
How hard can it be?
You walk down the stairs, you turn either left or right to walk onto one of the two platforms depending on whether you are going east or west. When you make your decision and walk towards the arched entrance…why, why stop dead directly under it facing the platform? Why stand there looking confused? What in the f*ck is there to think about? Surely basic instinctive awareness would tell you three things:
1) You can turn left or right into the platform you are facing
2) If you make the wrong turning, you can - believe it or not - turn yourself around by the art of movement - face the opposite direction and walk towards it
3) There are people behind you, people you are blocking
Just f*cking move you imbecilic douche bags. It's not exactly a decision masked in mystery is it? You don't need Sherlock Holmes to hold your frigging hand.
Step the f*ck forwards.
They should introduce a law allowing legalised 'punches to back and neck' when someone just stops for no other reason other than stupidity and block your path. I'd also apply the same law to people who gleefully stroll down the platform when it's nigh packed, as if they're walking the dog in Hyde Park without a care in the world.
It's not just tourists, and I'm not a complete uncaring a*sehole, I get it…people get lost or confused. But get this. Stepping onto said platform from under the arched entrance…it doesn't mean you can't ever return from it. You're not going to be sucked into Narnia if you just keep on placing one feet in front of the other in that movement we like to call walking.
It's a train station. People are looking to get from a to b, and usually after 4:30, most are looking at getting home in the quickest way possible. Yes I know, it's all rush rush rush, everyone's in a hurry, but if everyone - every single person - was in a hurry, then we'd all be getting from a to b at the same pace meaning nobody would get angry and upset. i.e. me. Actually, to be fair, it's not that I'm in a hurry. I'm just focused to the task in hand. I'm respectful of the people around me, even if they don't deserve it.
The all-time classic was when I stood at the edge of a platform as a train pulled in. Doors opened - I was in a position that meant I could walk into the carriage first, but I allowed two people off the train (I know, heart of gold) and the bloke behind me was getting agitated and trying to force his way though. Which I did not allow. When he got on after me, he stood nearby swearing to himself, talking to himself - and quite obviously repeating the C word over and over again for my benefit. He was genuinely upset at my behaviour. I mean come on, get a grip.
And why was said tool upset? Because he had to wait 5 extra seconds to get onto the carriage? Because the people ON the train had right of passage before us and I respected this unwritten but obvious code of conduct?
I told him to shut the f*ck up which resulted with another gentlemen standing between the two of us before what would have been the most ridiculous reason to fight (ever) kicked-off.
"Yeah, yeah, I got into a fight the other day"
"Who with? Headhunters? ICF?"
"Nah mate. Bloke in a suit on a train. I kept him waiting cause I was proper hardcore, letting people off the train before I stepped on it"
Christ, my palms have gone all sweaty, ranting and typing. I want to punch people in the face now. I've lost my train of thought (still have the power of the pun). Okay, so what was the point I was trying to make with all this tube rage anecdotes?
Oh yeah, that's right, things in life that wind me up. This has turned into the longest link ever.
Things that wind me up? More so than slow walkers and dizzy motherf**ers on the Central Line?
Always, always losing to Manchester United. Even when we're winning we manage to allow the forces of fate to place a pillow over our face and we surrender and do not put up a fight as the air we breath is suffocated out of us.
For once, can we please just push the unequivocally annoying bastards in red out of the sodding way?
Punch 'em in the neck.
COYS.
Interview with a Manc
mancunia chats rooney glazers and spurs - part 1
manchester utd yoof spurs targets and the project - part 2
Spooky on...
Reader Comments (67)
Things that wind me up in the tube : people getting in to petty arguments because they accidentally pushed eachother and the fact that i always feel obliged to mingle myself in their arguments, smelly unhygienic people , people drinking beer in the morning (the smell of it on my sober stomach), drunk people on the train in general (during working hours) , 45 -50 yr old people complaining that you do not offer them your seat because of the age difference ... (i always offer my seat to old ladies, pregnant ones and lil kids), stuck up conductor who act like cops and so on
But i really can't stand arrogant bus drivers , i once got into a fight with a bus driver because he wanted to throw a little kid out of the bus for standing too close to the doors. The boor lil lad (with glasses and a heavy bag filled with books) , i pulled the boy back in to the bus and put him behind me which triggered a fist fight with the bus driver , he went mental and lashed out at me , even had to go to court for it but was freed from charges thanks to a few decent folk on the bus who witnessed the incident. The bus company had to pay all the costs ...
Another incident involved an African woman who rang for a stop but accidentaly pushed to soon , forcing the bus driver to stop without somebody leaving the bus , he refused to drive on and got so angry he called her a monkey whore ... for which i filed a complaint that was just ignored by the company
i could go on for days , and to think i consider myself a tolerant person , might have to review that ...
How was your commute in today Spooky?
My windscreen was covered in mud from getting stuck behind a tractor, and my tyres are covered in manure. Apart from that, no punch ups, no Goons.
More importantly, it's Halloween on Sunday, must be a special day for someone called Spooky!
Halloween? Oh Christ. I'll have to disable the door-bell. Or just have a sack of potatoes by the window to throw at the trick or treaters.
Commute first thing in the morning is splendid. I sit in the last carriage in one of the seats which allows me to rest my head on end of the carriage if need by. Earphones in ears, listened to the last 20 minutes of The Spurs Show with special guest Ricky Villa and the first twenty five minutes of Football Weekly. Blissful listening.
There was also a ridiculously beautiful woman sitting opposite that allowed for visual stimulation as I dipped in and out of sleep.
Going home is when the hellmouth opens and I stand facing down it.
sounds like the perfect morning. go to the pub after work and avoid the mayhem!
Local pub is being refurnished. And it's the weekend which means I take over baby duties to give the other half a rest.
What have I become?
I know that feeling very well....I've 4 of the urchins to take over at 5.30 friday....still, got a cruise in my A-Team van on Sunday and a trip to the Lane on Tuesday as my reward......kippers or Manx Knobs anyone?
I don't mind the london underground. I find it a comedy on rails, so many characters and petty arguments and uncomfortable filtering. Cleaning the dark snot out of your nose when you get home is the only disappointing factor.
Spook..........this isn't a convoluted attempt at confessing to pushing that cross-dresser to his/hers death is it? Oh, and Spook - I think you'll find that there is a law allowing legalised 'punches to back and neck' You just need to join the Metropolitan Police!
Agreed... losing up there is about as normal as yawning....I'm sat here thinking positive thoughts, and reading articles stating that the Manure are ripe for picking........ However, since Man City on the first day of the season Tottenham have sadly regressed................. THAT'S WHAT REALLY PISSES ME OFF!!!!
I love how people on Facebook post their irritations about being late for work or getting home because someone jumped in front of a train and state how selfish the suicide was for them to only consider ending their lives and not consider the people on the train that will struggle to get home at time.
If someone is depressed enough to jump in front of a train, who gives a flying fuck if you're late getting home?
Few people LOOK any more. When I board a carriage, I automatically scan my fellow passengers.
Perhaps I'm scanning for danger. Certainly, I'm scanning for a seat. Being a man, I like to see a pretty lady. (So - are there any on board? Yes - eye-candy to brighten my journey!) Or perhaps I merely enjoy people-watching. One of Oliver Hardy's favourite pastimes was sitting in the lobby of a hotel and observing people (case-studies to use in his movies, no doubt). Well, recreational opportunities are few when travelling on the London Underground, but people-watching is one of them. And it's free.
What are people wearing? What are they reading? What are they carrying? Where do they get on or off, and whom are they with? All these are clues to their lives. If I feel so inclined, I can construct narratives. Or, I can learn - sometimes in drips, sometimes in torrents - how people are, how they interact, and what the microcosm of Tube Society says about society in general - because one never really stops learning.
And, in learning more about others, I learn more about myself. The buffoon that sits opposite me is not someone I wish to emulate. What behaviours can I express that distance me from his character? The impatience of that person there is not a quality I hope to show. How can I be more sympathetic to others instead?
For me, the defining property is awareness: awareness of self, awareness of others, awareness of surroundings. When awareness is present, opportunities naturally present themselves.
So, on Saturday, Spurs, look and be aware (beware). Be responsive, be tuned in, be watchful (be awake) and look for clues. Then, with these clues, look for opportunities, and construct a narrative of victory that leaves your opponents but sleeping passengers.
I'm sorry but suicide by tube train IS selfish - but mainly for the tube driver who has to witness it, and sees visions of that person jumping under his train for the rest of his life. Many tube drivers suffer a lot of psychological damage this way, it's probably part of the reason they are pretty well paid.
Feeling so bad you want to commit suicide is awful, but there are less awful ways to do it
aye spooks as robbie burns said"whereverrrr ye b let yerr winnd b free"'
i see nobody has mentioned nose picking? have u ever sat on the train and looked at the person opposite you(almost always a bloke) start sticking a digit up their hooter...some people r a bit discreet about and have a quick stab or 2 and if they cant get it they leave it till later..then theres the other ones who just keep driving their finger up their nose almost unitl their 2nd knukle is up there to...would love to see someone in the doctors surgery one day with their finger up stuck up their conk coz they was trying to excavate a bogey...when i was a kid if i did that me mum used to say"why dont you get a knife n fork"
I always scan because if I'm seated, pregnant women always get on the carriage and I'm always the one getting up to offer my seat. I cringe if I fail to see a bump and she's left standing there.
Although it's Russian roulette at times trying to work out if the woman is preggers or just has love handles.
What a hero.
Yes, the 'Is She Pregnant Or Is She Just Fat' dilemma? It never fails to confound me.
Of considerable annoyance is sitting next to someone (or between two someones) who not only insists on aggressively claiming the arm of the seat, but whose elbow extends fully over it and into my ribs. At such times, I scan for a 'less able to stand' space-invading giant to vacate my seat for, but they never appear when you need them.
I hate people who see pregnant women (because of their view) and rather than turn and ask people to offer their seat - people who can't see the front of the woman from where they sit - the person just keeps turning round shaking her head giving dirty looks and sighing.
Open your mouth you daft bint, and let people know.