The Astonishing Spurs Men
Wednesday, March 4, 2009 at 12:47PM Welcome to the Levy Institute for Mediocre Learning, formerly the Levy School for Ungifted Players. The worldwide headquarters of the S-Corporation.
These uncanny S-Men in their white and blue uniforms do not do anything by chance. They’re the result of a sudden back step in footballing evolution, latent with inconsistent abilities which generally manifest themselves in games against lesser opposition.
Outsiders harbour an intense laughter fit for these Spurs players (Homo Inferiors), who are regarded by a number of TV pundits and message board users as the epitome of average and are thus widely viewed as a non-event threat-wise to the Big Four (© Sky Sports).
The S-Men have been funded by the benevolent Professor Daniel Levy who has been at the helm of the academy for several years now, overseeing the training of young over-priced players with exaggerated potentials with the misguided agenda to help protect them from the evil that is the all-seeing Wengeto, the rich and brutal Head-Hunters and other threats like away games, hotel food and relegation.
Professor L has what he believes to be an astonishing rota of Spurs players, formally aided by the scouting super-computer Cerebrolli which helped him detect over-rated players the world over. The S-Men flatter to deceive. Without spirit, guile and pride they ghost through 90 minutes, a shadow of their potential and their black and white forefathers.
This is...
Professor L
Species: Chairman
Notable aliases: Daniel Levy, The Master of Money, The Accountant
Abilities: Using mind control has the ability to manipulate the masses into buying over-priced merchandise and other clubs into giving him inflated amounts of money for unwanted members of the team. Memory manipulation via official club statements allows him to re-write past events and avoid prolonged backlashes when removing a manager. Is able to exponentially fund the Institute with special DVD releases of score draws and the £4000 coffee-table Opus. Inventor of The Foundation which is a weapon of mass destruction that is used to punish those who dare attempt to outsmart him. There's uncertainty over what his true agenda is.
The Escapist
Species: Manager
Notable aliases: Harry Redknapp, Houdini, Judas, The Tick
Abilities: The overseer of curricula and academic aspects, teaching the science of football and the complex mathematics of passing the ball from one white shirt to another. Capable of reality warping, manifested as probability alteration and magic; Redknapp has altered reality with the three simple words “Down to barebones” on numerous occasions. However, the reality warp fades after a short time, leaving him with an uphill struggle to once more achieve a miracle before he can regain the power to muster up another realtity warp. Is also able to teleport from one location to the next in a blink of an eye.
Incapable
Species: Defensive Midfield
Notable aliases: Didier Zokora, Carrick Replacement, Holding midfielder, International class
Abilities: Self absorption of own footballing skills through mere contact with other professional players, be it his own team mates or the opposition, and through simple contact with the ball. The longer on the pitch the longer Zokora retains the loss of his footballing skills. If he remains on the pitch long enough the absorption spreads to his fellow team members and results in team-wide failure. This potentially fatal power prevents him from making true contact with the ball, hence the diabolical first touch. Is also able to run with the ball at locomotive speeds in one direction and dance.
The Enigma
Species: Forward
Notable aliases: Darren Bent
Abilities: Instinctively struggles to know present location on field and loses all sense of positional awareness the moment he steps out on it thanks to the generation of magnetic fields used to manipulate the space around him so that he is constantly isolated and nowhere near the run of play. Can still muster up a goal from nothing, via a deflection/lucky bounce/poor back pass/off his shin.
Starjump
Species: Midfielder
Notable aliases: David Bentley, The New Beckham
Abilities: The pin up boy of the S-Men and a former member of The Arsenal Club. Can kick balls into rubbish tips from great distance. Has the ability of copying others who possess superhuman powers and abilities (David Beckham being the energy source he attempts to tap into). But possession of these astronomical abilities have yet to materialise other than one particular creative bomb launched from centre-midfield that silenced his former team-mates at the Emirates. Confident, assured and assertive off the pitch, non-existent on it. Does look good with hair highlights.
Jinxy
Species: Left-back, left-midfielder
Notable aliases: Gareth Bale, The Hoodoo
Abilities: Incredible 'bad-luck' through subconscious manipulation of quantum probability on the pitch. Signature weapon allows him to create a vortex that sucks all possibility of victory into it and sends it to oblivion forever.
Mercenary
Species: Fullback
Notable aliases: Pascal Chimbonda, Shimbomba
Abilities: Master thief, using his hypnotic charm into making others around him think he is a far better player than he is and thus getting minted with the aid of the illusion. No secret he wanted to leave the S-Men, and found himself swaggering his way out of the Institute to Sunderland and then back again. Has the ability to change the course of a football match by trying to dribble his way out of his own penalty area which results with the opposition gaining advantage.
Flapper
Species: Goalkeeper
Notable aliases: Gomes, ffs
Abilities: Exquisite sense of footballing geometry. High sense of spatial awareness that allows him to position himself into impossibly stupid positions giving him no chance of getting the ball. Fires concussive long balls to forwards. A master strategist and tactician at master-stroking a loss of at least 10 points per season down to his ability to create a goal out of nothing for the opposition. Ability to cause nausea, disorientation and unconsciousness - usually self-inflicted. Has comic awareness and forever ‘breaks the fourth wall’, as he smiles to the audience as they all ask ‘What the fuck are you doing now?’
Jerlverine
Species: Box-to-box Midfielder
Notable aliases: Jermaine Jenas, The Goldfish, Jenius, potentially world-class
Abilities: Regenerative healing factor that allows him to be selected again and again and again and again. Strength, stamina, agility and reflexes in abundance but due to his jelly-laced skeletal structure is prone to disappearing on the field of play (not to be confused with invisibility). Simply fails to stand up when faced with true advisory. Also possesses retractable ‘claws’ otherwise known as his feet, which retract in one-on-one situations, penalty taking, retrieving second balls and crunching tackles. Recently went missing (was he injured or did he venture out in a mission of self-discovery?) allegedly returning to the scene of the clandestine project in Nottingham which turns unwilling beings into footballers.
Cumbersome
Species: Midfielder Notable aliases: Tom Huddlestone, The New Hoddle, The Future
Abilities: Ability to transform his body into immovable steel, granting him zero mobility and durability as he loses himself between the midfield and his own penalty area unable to defend or attack. Can pass the ball, much like any other half decent midfielder is capable of. Can hit the ball ‘sweetly’, much like any other half decent midfielder is capable of. Requires healthy portions of Ketchup and mayo with his food to help retain abilities.
There we have it. The S-Men. There are others but this particular group are the endangered species. These S-Men are fighting for their very survival and self-respect with the single ambition to succeed expectations.
Will they help avoid decimation and extinction?
Stay tuned to find out.
Reader Comments (36)
Ever anything positive to say? Your world must be fun. Try supporting the players!
does this guy enjoy football?
come on though....funny as f**k! haha COYS!
Give it a rest,
You must be the man that is most in need of a blow job. Sheesh life is too short.
Laugh Out Loud moments mate
Laudski
The Author
Species: Paxton Road Part Timer
Abilities: Sometime witty, but mainly witless. Only to be seen when the team is playing badly but needs support.
Some of you are humourless twats of the highest order.
Anonymous said...
Ever anything positive to say? Your world must be fun. Try supporting the players!
04 March 2009 13:37
www.tottenhamhotspur.com for your daily safe reading.
Anonymous Anonymous said...
Give it a rest,
04 March 2009 13:53
No.
Anonymous said...
You must be the man that is most in need of a blow job. Sheesh life is too short.
04 March 2009 14:00
I get them all time mate. £30 a pop. Money better spent than spunking it down the Spurs Shop.
Anonymous said...
The Author
Species: Paxton Road Part Timer
Abilities: Sometime witty, but mainly witless. Only to be seen when the team is playing badly but needs support.
04 March 2009 14:16
Guess again.
Spooky. Glory Hunter.
Enough said.
Why was Robbie Keane omitted from this?
very funny, thank god there are still survivors out there who haven't yet been infected by the Tottenham Hotspur Ministry of Public Enlightenment and Propaganda. Though I fear from some of the above comments that the virus is spreading faster than i had anticipated.
keep up the good work, all hope is not yet lost.
ps. andrei's magical mystery tour is a work of genius.
What's sad about this is that behind the X-Men in-jokes and scapgoating, the truth reaches out and lasers you between the eyes. All the players mentioned need to rise up.
-Dave
Cheer up Spooks.Read my blog.Its never as bad as you think. Sometimes its worse
JimmyG2
"Tottenham Hotspur Ministry of Public Enlightenment and Propaganda"
Ha! Excellent.
It's because of people like you that my disease worsens by the day.
We should get an executive box together.
Jerlverine
Species: Box-to-box Midfielder
Notable aliases: Jermaine Jenas, The Goldfish, Jenius, potentially world-class
Abilities: Regenerative healing factor that allows him to be selected again and again and again and again. Strength, stamina, agility and reflexes in abundance but due to his jelly-laced skeletal structure is prone to disappearing on the field of play (not to be confused with invisibility). Simply fails to stand up when faced with true advisory. Also possesses retractable ‘claws’ otherwise known as his feet, which retract in one-on-one situations, penalty taking, retrieving second balls and crunching tackles. Recently went missing (was he injured or did he venture out in a mission of self-discovery?) allegedly returning to the scene of the clandestine project in Nottingham which turns unwilling beings into footballers.
That's hands down sublime!
Palacios would make a great X-Man.
"Wilson. Nothing gets through him"
Great read! DC Comics next?
Very nice, a job with the Department of the Interior is waiting.
very funny...people need to get a sense of humour.
Cant believe the initial reactions to this article. What is it with all this 'spooky is negative shit' anyways? When he posts something 'serious' none of these muppets reply ,when he posts a piss take they all jump on his back. Keep up the good work . Dont always agree with your write ups but I can tell a joke when it smacks me right in the smacker.
That's as funny as f&@k but seriously some people need to pull the stick out of their ass and see the funny side. Very nice blog I'm glad someone can still conjure humour as a tottenham fan.
Spooky, sometimes you are funny. Sometimes you are not. This was one of the moments I would class as funny.
I hope some of the players prove you wrong this evening.
i wish this balls didn't appear on NewsNow...
Opposed to what? The Daily Mail?
FFS,
It's just for a fkn lugh ppls...
I thought we had a bit of humour... We have to have humour, seeing that we support Spurs.
Keep it up Spooky.. Its Quality stuff!
Cumbersome.......nuff said bloody funny we are an english team and if theres one thing we english do well is take the piss out of our selves. so calm down fellas it's only what we see every week.
Very funny article written in an extremely creative manner which pinpoints the shortcomings of the aforementioned S-men. Had me laughing out loud.Good work mate ... would like to read your comments about the S-men who do step up to the plate.
This blokes c*nt. why slate your players?
Anonymous said...
This blokes c*nt. why slate your players?
05 March 2009 09:20
You being serious? You ever been to White Hart Lane? Next time you visit, open up your ears and listen to some of the knee-jerk crap that sprays out of peoples mouths about some of our players.
Balance it out Spooky. Write one up about the likes of Lennon, King, Dawson, Modric and co. The players who peform well. Oh hold up, maybe not. Wouldn't be funny then. But maybe not being funny is the only way to appease some of the humourless twats who can't laugh at themselves.
I thought it was ace.
Brilliant.
Some nice in jokes, if you're a fan of the comics.
Huddlestone did well I thought last night.
Pure class mate, keep up the good work. COYS