Fulham v Spurs - It's Actually Massive

by guest blogger Chrisman

I’m going to lay it on the line here – The F.A. Cup QF against Fulham will be a cracker. It might not have loads of goals, and we might not get either of the results that we want, but it will be good. It will be a rarity – a game between two PL teams desperately wanting to win. And two teams quite reasonably believing they can win.

Roy Hodgson is a manager that I love listening to. He is almost the polar opposite of Harry in his handling of the media. Hodgson will openly, and often quite savagely ridicule the interviewer and his questions. ‘Roy, surely this is a must win game?’ he will be asked. His reply will be something along the lines of ‘Well, what happens if we don’t win? Does the season end? Will Fulham FC automatically self-destruct? Of course we want to win, but no, it’s not a must win’. You can tell he absolutely hates the cliché driven style of football in the British media, and he won’t even play lip service to it. Harry, on the other hand, revels in it.

Both men are actually very similar. The difference in their personas is directly due to the fact that Hodgson has spent the best part of 30 years in management outside England. To a total foreigner coming here, the way the ‘media circus’ exists will be a source of amusement, bafflement and eventual indifference. But because Hodgson is English, and he understands it a bit more, he’s visibly disgusted by it. He doesn’t even make an effort to conceal his total contempt for it. Old Harry, however, doesn’t have that luxury. He has had to play the game over the last 20 years, and he’s played it pretty well. He is so well versed in cliché speak that it’s actually very difficult to tell what he is thinking, about anything, ever. But one thing is certain, and it’s one thing that Harry’s cliché speak and Hodgson’s cynicism cannot overpower – The F.A Cup is a trophy both of these men are still desperate to win.

There won’t be any resting players, no saving it for the league – with 3 of the traditional big 4 already out, this is probably the best chance either team has had of winning the trophy for quite a while. It’s the business end of the tournament, and it’s 2 men at the business end of their careers. Expect both teams to give everything on behalf of the managers and fans.

Pavlyuchenko remains the key man for Spurs. If he plays as well as he has done, we have a great chance. With Defoe probably out, you feel Pav has to score if we are to get a result. And with Huddlestone out, a huge amount of responsibility falls on Modric, and to a lesser extent Kranjcar. Playing against a Fulham midfield that is likely to include Murphy, Gera, Davies and maybe Greening could be a blessing. They have a lot of ball players and not a lot of horsepower in their midfield, which should suit us if we are to play Modric in the middle. Conversely, the battering ram approach of Zamora should suit Dawson’s style. Gomes is going to have to have another good game if we are going to get a result. More of his heroics from the league visit to Craven Cottage are pretty essential.

It’s also to be expected that Smalling and Hangeland won’t have too much trouble dealing with a ‘direct’ approach. What we need is Pav coming deep and linking up with Modric and Kranjcar. If the 3 of them hit it off, we could, against all odds, win the game. If we were to do that, without Defoe and Huddlestone in the team, I think that will give the lads a pretty significant confidence boost for the rest of the season. What’s more likely is a hard fought score draw, then back to the lane for another classic night of mayhem.

Excitement building already. With the battle for the top 4 taking all our attention, this has almost approach unnoticed. But it’s here, an F.A. Cup Quarter Final, and a London Derby to boot. Sexual Chocolate.

The Prodigal Son

by guest blogger Chrisman.

Football came easy for you, didn’t it? Ever since you went on loan to Bournemouth, you’ve been scoring goals. Good quality goals. And you’ve been making it look pretty easy. Since you were 18 years old, you’ve had the technical ability to control and strike the ball that 95% of professionals would kill for.

So I suppose it’s not really any sort of surprise that you completely take those skills for granted. I suppose it’s not surprising that, given your immense level of natural ability, you steadfastly refuse to listen to any type of coaching or advice. I suppose it’s even less surprising that you don’t listen to coaching, since the man who initially blew so much smoke up your ass and told you how brilliant you were is the man who has paradoxically been trying to ‘coach’ you for most of your career.

What you don’t have, Jermain, is the desire to make yourself better than the sum of your skills. Ian Wright, an abhorrent man though he is, had that desire. So did Lineker. It’s scary to think of what those 2 players could have achieved if they had Defoe’s talent (ok it’s not scary – they’re Klinsmann or Batistuta). Defoe, however, has neither the desire nor strength of character to achieve his full potential. He wants to do everything on his own terms, without having to really sweat, really grind it out, really put his body and mind on the line. His general attitude to adversity is extremely poor, and he seems like one of the players you would least want on your side when things aren’t going well.

It’s another example of Harry Redknapp’s in-fighting with himself. He told Jermain to play his natural game. Play to his strengths. Sit on the last shoulder. Wait for the scraps to fall for him. Score goals. Because that’s the most important thing for a striker. Scoring. As long as you are scoring, what more can someone ask…..right? Wrong. I’ve heard Harry say it a few times over the last few weeks….Jermain needs to add more to his game. He needs to work more, link up with the midfield and his strike partner more. Do more running. Use more movement between defence and midfield. Do you think Harry was saying this to Jermain when they were at Pompey, or even West Ham? No, because back then, scoring goals was enough.

But with the move up in teams comes the move up in expectations. Jermain has been here before, and for whatever reason (certainly not lack of talent) he couldn’t cut it. Actually the reason was pretty obvious – Berbatov thought Defoe was a footballing simpleton, and made it very clear that he wasn’t going to waste his time going through strike partnership 101 with him. I’m fairly certain we are approaching some sort of groundhog day with Pav taking the Berba role. Defoe might not be learning, but old Harry will not be as ignorant. Not now he has seen with his own eyes what we all saw 3 years ago.

It’s probably come as much of a shock to Harry as to anyone else that despite scoring 25 odd goals, something is clearly missing from Defoe’s game. I think it’s been a massive mind-mangler for Harry - he spent nearly £40 million on strikers, and the most talented all round player we have in that department is apparently the one who was already there. And also the one that Harry rated the least. Harry may well be stubborn and old fashioned, but he is also smart, and has a wonderful instinct for self preservation. This means that he tends to correct his errors sooner rather than later, and I give him immense credit for swallowing his pride on this and no small amount of other issues in the last year or so. It’s like everything he knew and learnt in his last 20 or so years of management has to be thrown out of the window. Flushed down the toilet. And the really sad thing is that along with those footballing ‘truths’ that Harry has to discard, there are players too. Poor Defoe (and maybe Crouchie) will soon be bogflushed like so much bumwad. This brings me on to…

…if anyone ever needed an example of how scoring goals is not the be all and end all for a striker, look no further than Ruud Van Nistelrooy. Arguably the best all round finisher you are ever likely to see, but Ferguson knew Man Utd weren’t going to win the league again with him in the team. Ferguson was able to make the brutal decision to jettison the club’s top scorer. Almost literally, he had to send the old horse to the glue factory. You can almost hear him now, neighing ‘but boss, I’ve scored 20-plus league goals in ever season, I’ve scored shedloads in the Champs League…what more can I do?’ Ferguson won’t answer, because he knows ol’ Boxer won’t understand. He doesn’t understand the complexities of the issue. He’s not programmed to think, or to understand. Just score. 

Jermain is a player who can be a joy to watch. But more often than not he’s sullen, petulant, lazy and selfish. He is the classic spoilt child, told by his mentor that he is wonderful and beyond reproach. It’s going to be quite a shock to the system to see lanky misfits A and B usurp him in the pecking order for Spurs and England. Can he comprehend what is happening? Does he have the mental strength to do something about it? History suggests that the answer to both questions is no. And to be perfectly honest, I doubt very much whether Defoe cares. It’s going to be his way, or not at all.

The casual guide to feeding squirrels by Dimitar Berbatov

The smile in this photograph is a representation of a smile created in photoshop for creative effect

Hello, my name is Dimitar Berbatov. And this is my guide to feeding squirrels.

I am a Manchester United superstar. I am on the bench for most games to avoid injury and exhaustion so I am always 100% ready to change a game when required and coming off the bench to display my £30M worth of sublime qualities.

You need to be elegant on the pitch and to do so you must be equally elegant off it. It's unlikely you will master life and football to the standards I do, but there is no harm in embracing my squirrel-football ethos. You will be better than the average you are now by taking a step towards understanding my ways.

Remain cool at all times

To be in a good frame of mind, mentally, you must be calm and controlled. I am a private person who has no need to celebrate with cartwheels or aeroplanes. I simply want to play football, nothing more nothing less. When I score, inside, I am a fountain of joy. I do not need to smile or hug to prove this. It doesn’t mean I don’t care, it simply means I don’t care if you think I don’t care.

But I care very much like when I ask for something in hospitality when travelling with the team to an away game and the hospitality girl gets it wrong. It must be perfection or it is nothing, you understand? If I want my tea strong then it must be strong, so make it strong. I did not ask for milky tea. If I want milky tea I will say, please make sure you put plenty of milk in my tea, and then I will have milky tea but when I say strong then it means I do not want a f*cking milkshake... исус христос... what is wrong with some people! Do not make mistakes. You have one chance to get it right, so get it right. It is either perfect or it is unacceptable.

I am upset now. One moment please.

Ok. Let’s continue.

Field of play

I am someone with plenty of time on my hands. On the pitch and off it. I am the master of my own time. When playing I am like Neo from the Matrix. I do what I want and go where I want. I do not need to run around like a lunatic. I know where the ball will be before it arrives so I make sure I’m there waiting for it. That’s how good I am. This allows me time to make sure my hair brace is not out of place and my sleeve-gloves have all my fingers through them. Why run when you can walk and still get to where you want to be? Everyone is in such a hurry. Rush rush rush all the time. I tell that Carlos, slow down, you will have a heart attack if you don’t try to relax a little. But he never listens. And now, it looks like he will be running out of Manchester. He's like Forrest Gump, he never stops running, the fool.

The football pitch must be treated with respect. Like your garden. Do you run around your garden like a mad man? Of course not. It is a place of tranquillity. A place where you go to think. To philosophise. Much like the football pitch.

I prefer the peace and quiet and not the bright lights, night clubs and paparazzi. This is not me. If you have a garden maybe outside of the city or in the countryside this is a good thing. To be secluded and alone is good because it means you are your own priority. You are number one. Me. Dimitar Berbatov.

Theatre of Dreams

I like the squirrels. They are wonderful. I like to watch them eat and play in the garden. It is soothing for me. I understand them because they are very much like me. They know what they want. They go for it. They don’t bother anyone else and they are content, never having to smile to prove it.

When I play football I think of the squirrels. If you make a lot of noise and run around you will scare the squirrels away. You must be cunning like them. A little sly and subtle. If you feed the squirrels they will be happy, if you feed me the ball, I will be happy.

If you want to be like me you must first buy a bird table. I have some in my garden. I have ten. Hire someone else to install them. I am Dimitar Berbatov. I do not have time for work.

If you live in the city or a flat you can feed them from a balcony but this is not perfect. I did this when I lived in London. But a garden is best. It is bigger and better than a London flat which for me is too claustrophobic and small. If you are ambitious and want to feed more than just a couple of city squirrels, you must be strong and do everything in your power to move on and claim your dream for a bigger garden.

Remember to keep the bird tables high up so cats or dogs do not get the opportunity to kill the squirrels. The higher the better. You must avoid having the squirrels walk across your lawn to get to the bird tables because cats can hide and attack. The sonsofbitches, are always ready to attack. You drop your nuts on the lawn and they are ready to pounce, no mercy. They will tear you apart because of one mistake.

The squirrels...the squirrels...they will tear the squirrels apart. Do not drop your nuts.

Once you have your bird tables ready with food, the squirrels will congregate to be social and eat. But you must be careful to feed them the right type of food.

Healthy Diet

Peanuts and sunflower seeds should be placed on the tables as these are the most popular with the squirrels. But it is best to try many different foods if you want them coming back for more. Hazel nuts and sometimes for a special treat a walnut. The more you feed them something extra special the more squirrels you will find come to visit.

Fruit is also good. Apple, pear or plums is very delicious for them. Remember you must slice the fruit. The red squirrels will love this and they will love you. You need to mix it up, be creative. Like the way I beat James Collins to assist Ronaldo for his second goal at Old Trafford. You know, what I’m talking about. The magnificent turn and deft touch of the ball. There I am, there's the ball, there is Collins and....oops, where have I gone, I'm over here James, the ball is with me and you are still over there kicking air and then I give the ball to the feet of Cris and it is a goal. 2-0. I smile a little, but no white teeth.

I was able to achieve this skill because in my mind I was projecting the motion of feeding a nut to a hungry squirrel. A graceful movement, one that glides without impatience or forcefulness. At that moment I left Collins behind I transcended between Old Trafford and my garden, feeding a squirrel and Ronaldo.

Do not feed

Finally, it is very important that you do not feed them wheat, dried maize or peas. This is like playing in a team with Zokora, Jenas and Bent. Do you want your squirrels to choke? Of course not, so do not feed them shit.

And finally you must remember grey squirrels are scum. They carry sickness and can infect red squirrels which will kill them. You must remove all food from your garden until the grey squirrels are hunted down and destroyed by the wild life authorities. Or perhaps you successfully capture them all yourself and have them eliminated then stuffed and placed in your trophy cabinet. Either way is fine.

And that is my guide to feeding squirrels and if you follow my guide by doing so you will be richer in life, both professionally and privately. You will find a parallel between your most quiet moments off the pitch and your most quiet moments on the pitch allowing you to control your destiny with casual ease. Thank you.

By guest-blogger Dimitar Berbatov.