How to survive the lack of proper football this weekend: Tottenham top tips
Saturday, January 9, 2010 at 4:42PM Bored? Indoors watching the snow fall outside wondering how to past the time? Nothing to look forward to thanks to Liverpool begging (and succeeding) for tomorrows game to be called off? Pass the time with these Tottenham Top Tips.
Go to your local supermarket for a bit of food shopping. Push the trolley around from aisle to aisle without ever placing any items into it. The shop staff will look at you and frown at your indecisiveness as you leave the shop without actually purchasing anything. Your confusing lack of direction and decision making will leave you with the same sensation Jermaine Jenas has every weekend.
-
Randomly walk up to restaurant windows and star-jump. Make sure you have a goofy smile whilst doing so for maximum effect. Honestly, it's classic.
-
Go to Heathrow airport and check out any of the fast food outlets (i.e. Burger King, McDonalds). Odds are you'll see a footballer and his agent speaking to a Tottenham representative meeting. Take a photo, from distance, make sure its with a camera-phone - 2 mega-pixel - and do so whilst shaking your hand so that the image is not focused and thus a touch blurry. Leave without getting any closer to properly identify the player. Go home, post the image on a message board that requires membership to access it and inform all that Sandro has finally landed.
-
If you suddenly feel the urge to act the complete c*nt in a public place run off in the opposite direction and slide in front of anyone you don't like the look of, posturing and fronting as hard as possible. If you feel that's not enough, kick/spit/foul or do anything that would be considered an act of unequivocal arrogance and self-importance. If someone questions your behaviour - especially the police - tell them you're Arsenal. They'll apologise for disturbing you and possibly ask if you require any assistance. Tell them you're fine and then continue your jolly to your hearts content.
-
Take your Blackberry and a broadsheet newspaper and go sit on a park bench or bus stop with a friend. Discuss Twitter and the property market, making sure you introduce light-hearted topical discussion about the wife and the skiing holiday you've just booked up for. Leave after 90 minutes and celebrate the fact that you were not born a Chelsea fan bestowed with a season ticket.
-
Play Football Manager 2010. Use a pre-game editor to create disharmony at Arsenal by transfer listing their star players and creating animosity between them and Arsene Wenger. Then smash your computer to pieces with a baseball bat in your back garden or street when your Tottenham team still loses 3-0 away at the Emirates proving that the FA Premier League and Sky Sports conspiracy to undermine us transcends to the gaming world. It's not a bug. It's been hard coded. Educate yourself.
-
Cook some home made lasagne. But make sure you under-cook it, leaving some ingredients a little raw or alternatively ask a friend who is suffering from the flu to cough all over it whilst it's in the oven. Tomorrow will be a write-off as you find yourself struggling with food poisoning and chronic diarrhoea so there will be no time wasted on contemplating the postponement of the Spurs v Liverpool game.
Reader Comments (31)
Loony tunes. Love 'em.
Leave Jenas alone !!
What no shooting balls into skips then?
I had lasagne for tea tonight!!
I'll be playing with my dogs penis
Cracking results today. Not a complete write off this weekend.
What a week Liverskint I new the game would be called of looking out my window at 5inches of frozen snow told me Friday it was off .The funny thing was listing to Le Tissier talking about the Duracell reds neighbours Eveready blues playing Arsoles and he said they have played with great Energy but they wont be able to keep it up .Well they must have swallowed viagra because they should have won .Also the best Scottish manager in the premno not Fergie ginger bollocks Mcleish nearly beat is clan leaders team Mcfergiie the Ginger one is talking up is mismatch of crap and more crap has a good team you have to have to admire him because since the Honk Kong triads took over and promised 40 million they haven't lost now Yeung has dropped it to 8 Million in instalments to the transfer funds.Wenger is complaining Everton through there body's in the way of is teams flowing football and there energy stopped them scoring except that Irish striker Rick O.shea Me well a bit sad we are not playing but its a change to be talking about other teams taking cold remedy's before they get a cold like Dynamo Moscow players and running the legs of better players Priceless.JUST A FOOT NOTE. Dossena has signed for Dynamo Moscow from the energised Liverpool he said they play with the same tempo .t.Coys
how about spend 88 minutes walking around the supermarket buying anything u want then getting to the checkout and as the que builds up behind you u suddenly choke coz u 4got ur cash/credit card hahahahaha and go home empty handed having been for 88 minutes thinking of all the good things you had in ur trolley but never got hahhaha that used to be us...not anymore i hope....me finks liverpool will be relieved coz fixture is cancelled wiv us......my message for lbenitez is"he who runs away lives to run another day" ha ha hah hah
I bet Adebayor didn't run the length of the bus to celebrate in front of the gunners yesterday...
Davspurs, I read about a minute of your post before I realised that you wrote it. I realise that I will now not get that time back so have given up smoking to compensate. Therefore, when I start randomly beating ppl next week, that's your fault, that is.... On a serious note, I went into enemy territory to watch l'arse scrape a draw with everton and really feel that this is our year to do something. Fuck 4th, I want to win the WHOLE DAMN THING! and why not? we are a match for ANYONE on our day and our day is surely now with everyone else weak from the ACN!! COYS and BIOYC!
Davspurs, if I hear one more peep out of you re energy levels, I am going to shoot you in the cheekbone with a pellet gun... get behind the yids and lets fuck the others up with good ol fashioned spurs skill and pluck!!!
I am still laughing that Livertool did not fancy playing us at there own place tomorrow. CUNTS!!! reckon that might come back to haunt us later on in the year.....
“My faith kept me going and the thought we are not here forever. This is a great opportunity for me now to say thank you to everybody at Tottenham for their help...May be we shoud say thank you Wilson for making us from survivals up to top 4 team?
“I love Spurs. I am forming good partnerships with Tom Huddlestone and Jermaine Jenas. We all know we can do much more – and that drives us on.” -how can i make Berbatov and Carrick read that?i doubt it JJ can do much more-he already have free season ticket,good sit and best view time2time-next to real players...only afraid of his age and skills he may be available compare to Keano price for about £75 mills-come on city put him next to Viera-JJ or 'the next Gerrard'
here it is one for the road:
'Howard Webb and Michael Shields-good old friends havent seen each other for long time-almost 15 years.accidently meet each other one day and decide to go for a drink.nice time,lots of drinks,close down all pubs in town-time to go home.They walk together-well past away Michael bit quiet Howard still full of energy.They walk around the local football ground and Howard turns to Michael and says:'Lets go and play some football?'-'Ok matey'.They walk in and Howard goes:'I'm going in to the ground and will be both teams-22 players and 3 refs,you go on stands and make the atmosphere,make it like hillsborough,ok?'-'ok matey'...and there we are-ref blow the whistle,team A pick up the ball,quick long ball in to other team penalty keeper clear the ball with clean tackle but ref is pointing at the spot-penalty!!!-2 seconds latter a bottle flys from stands and hit ref straigth in the head...Howard is angry and is screaming on Michael-how possibly from 25 persons on the ground you hit exactly me?!?!...and Michael from the stands is even more shoked-'How ossibly from 50 000 fans you know it was me?!?!?'
“I love Spurs. I am forming good partnerships with Tom Huddlestone and Jermaine Jenas.'
Isn't that a ménage á trois? That damn Jenas has got to big Willy.
one weekend without football and everyone seems to have become totally illiterate. not sure i enjoyed this post as much as all the others. Bit tenuous mr. spooky. Has the bad weather fucked with your inspiration?
On a separate note, WIlson Palacios is a legend. His interview that came out today is very touching.
Davspurs, when will you get your own blog?
How many star jumps do I have to do? Can I stop now? My face hurts from grinning and the restaurant has been closed for 8 hours.
I've had a Jenas weekend. I promised to do so much, but have really just sat on my arse, watching things going on around me
DAN if you look out your window you will see armed police waiting to arrest you for threatening DAvspurs . And has for supporting Spurs since i was Ten and living with the enemy in the North West and not a black eye to show for it you have no chance of shooting my face my exploits are Legendery Supporting Spurs from the north west so don't question my loyalty.And if I stop my campaign then spurs o wolves 1 and Stoke will happen more and if you watched Everton who live next door to the the team that started me of boring me and you then you would understand why Birmingham are the form team and how hard its going to be to get in that top four .I will always be fully behind my Beloved Spurs in good and bad Times .Like I have for 48 0f my 58 years my love for Spurs will never die even when I have the cockerel will be on my stone. DAN are you arrested yet. I will stop my campaign if you tell me that I never seen any energy Tablets and You can Prove to me its not happening ring Uk Sport Like I did and see if they agree with me or you and if they say shoot the bastard in the face then I will never mention energy again promise .
Goddammit, Davspurs! You're funny, but use sentences, dude!
Stream of consciousness should be left to Kerouac.
Kerouac was on benzedrine, he seemed to form beautiful, coherent prose.
Davspurs however, is on ephedrine, which everyone knows, causes you to write like a complete berk.
Here's a question for you Davspurs.
If ephedrine is so rife within football, how come our beloved Spurs seem to be the only team not on it? According to you, that is.
I tried all the tips you gave for surviving a proper footballess weekend and now find myself sending this from the local psychiatric hospital! Did i do something wrong!?!? :oS
dav-wtf you on about?2 weeks ago you had a go with me 2.we all love spurs-i'm 35 and spurs fan cince i was 5.we talk things true to show what we thing about our team.what you doing?are you on a cast for analyse _/\_ this part 58?focus on spurs mate,leave the others alone-specialy police!!!they are so busy making tickets right now,dont be alex ferguson half time with us please?
Why dont the tv companies BBC,SKY etc put on some classic football games with the cancellation of the main games? etc......?
why is my lasagne done at the edges and not in the middle
thaw!
At the most basic, sub-atomic levels, it's all about energy.
Well, it just goes to show there are many things you can do of a weekend. But none of them are quite as captivating as watching the lilywhites stroll out onto the pitch.
Oh yeah, and it's still no excuse to end up at IKEA either, that'll teach me for playing with fuse boxes!
'Goddammit, Davspurs! You're funny, but use sentences, dude!
Stream of consciousness should be left to Kerouac.'
..or Ellroy.
No. Davspurs has a unique prose that is instantly distinguishable and should in no way (along with ephedrine) be main-streamed.
He's Tottenham through and through, and stands alone (literally) in his good fight against the demon Duracell bunnies.
Well, on a serious note, Manchester City just passed us in the standings and now sit in the last CL spot.
Bet Sparky is a bit miffed, still he has his millions in the bank to comfort him!
And it does mean that ou next encounter will have more meaning to it. Makers for an interesting couple of months in march and april, playing the top 4 teams, and probably liverpool as well.
No football but Spurs have just bid for Saviola and Flamini:
http://www.football-intelligence.co.uk/tottenham-hotspur-bid-for-saviola-and-flamini/
"how to survive 3 days without a blog from Spooky"
P.S. Liverpool game ahs been scheduled fornext wednesday andwill be on telly.
great. right in the middle of our nice run of easy home games.
Lennon's been running in training today though so at least he should be fit
Take your Blackberry and a broadsheet newspaper and go sit on a park bench or bus stop with a friend. Discuss Twitter and the property market, making sure you introduce light-hearted topical discussion about the wife and the skiing holiday you've just booked up for. Leave after 90 minutes and celebrate the fact that you were not born a Chelsea fan bestowed with a season ticket.
**********************************************************************
Classic comment!