'Let's Relegate Newcastle' - Ended Edition
Monday, May 25, 2009 at 5:11PM It would appear this long running series has worked.
And as I sit here, party hat on head, smoking a Cuban cigar, I’m wondering if I’m over doing the celebrating. But it is the Bank Holiday weekend, and Newcastle United are now a Championship side. Which, obviously, means that Match of the Day next season will be watchable thanks to the fact that any potential extra smugness has been edged off Mr Shearer who would have been positively insufferable had he returned to the sofa as the messiah that saved the Toon from relegation. I know it’s a selfish self-satisfying wish to see him fail simply for my dislike of his footballing persona. But that’s just me. And sure, the irony of all this is that their failure to defeat Fulham at St James Park almost certainly cost them their Premier League status and in a twist of fate stopped us from claiming a late great entry into the Europa League. Although that’s very much forced irony as the first two months of the season truly cost us any real chance of European football.
The scenes at Villa Park were grim for the Geordies. Tears and broken hearts that we might have experienced ourselves up at Anfield had our players not reacted to the appointment of Harry Redknapp. To be completely truthful – I do feel a little sympathetic for their fans. Just a little. Because that could have been us. But if it was, we’d get so much in the way of abuse and laughter directed our way that it’s only right to laugh back. Just a little.
Fifteen players on 50k per week or more, Owen apparently takes up around 10% of their overall wage budget – this is a club that has to avoid the Leeds United syndrome or run the risk of remaining in the lower leagues for several years as they rebuild from the bottom up. Slowly slowly. They might not have a choice now their 16 years in the top flight is over.
Their defeat at Villa summed up their miserable season, unable to muster up any form of possession and sustained determination to bully their way to a final day result. A Barry mis-shot going nowhere deflected into the goal by Duff. 1-0 Villa. The dream is over.
At one point during this season, we were the worst side in the Prem. No self pride or respect for the badge. No urgency or spirit. No passion or will to win. It was always in there somewhere, and it re-emerged with the players led by an experienced manager who dragged the club out of the mire and high above all the depression down below.
Match of the Day, season 2010: Watchable
We make mistakes at Spurs. But clubs in our position (non-Sky Sports Top Four©) are forced into it as we strive to desperately get within touching distance of the Champions League. The impatience that is siphoned through the fans and media and into the boardroom results in a fragmented seasonal journey. But in comparison to Newcastle United, we run a tight ship. When things go wrong, we are more hotel cabaret than a circus of clowns you’ll find up in the North East.
Mike Ashley, owner of Newcastle, and fan who might actually be a Spurs/Arsenal/West Ham supporter – who along with Paul Kemsley apparently attempted to buy Spurs (phew) is responsible more than anyone for the mess up there. Attempting to appease yourself to fans by downing pints and wearing club colours to games says all you need to know about the superficiality of his tenure at the club. His decisons drowned in a suffocating ocean of naivety.
The sacking of Big Sam and appointment of King Kev illustrates that he was driven by supporter-power. An almost ‘I’m one of the people and will go forth and do what the people want’ ethos which has never amounted to much in the past.
Villa's got Talent
Remember Allardyce standing in the technical area, with two or three Newcastle fans standing up to the right of him singing ‘You don’t know what you’re doing’? It would seem no one at Newcastle does. Sure the football wasn’t pretty under Big Sam but it’s doubtful they would been relegated if all fans and directors held out for a little longer. Playing a certain style and sacrificing other more ugly necessities to retain that beautiful football ethic is something that hasn’t worked too often – so why not suck it all up and wait and see what direction it all takes. When we had Graham at the Lane you can argue our reaction at times was a little similar to those at St James Park – but times have changed. As seen by the appointment of Harry Redknapp – something us Spurs fans could not have dreamt of 5 years ago.
You might not like it, you might not agree with it. It's different to what's come before. But don't dismiss it until it's had a chance.
Instead, in came Keegan for a short cameo. Then off he went thanks to Dennis Wise. Joe Kinnear briefly took the helm and then Alan Shearer – linked to the club several times already – finally decides to get off his MotD sofa and attempt to save the club, with just 8 games left. Obviously understanding that he can’t lose as no matter the final outcome, he is one of the clubs untouchables.
But lose he did.
Hearing his post-match interview speech, he made no excuses and was up front and gave an honest assessment of the season as a whole blaming everyone – including himself – for the mess the club are in. IMO, a brilliant piece of PR spin giving off a modest forthright conclusion which will now lead to plenty ‘will he stay or will he go’ Sky Sports News sound-bites. Anyone could describe the wrongs of Newcastles season because it was blantantly obvious to anyone who follows football why they've finished third from bottom.
But if Shearer really did take stock of the Newcastle United legacy he would have told Mike Ashley that appointing another messiahesque publicity media fan friendly manager was exactly the wrong type of decision that has pummelled them into the Championship. He should never have taken the job.
For Ashley, appointing a legend would mean if they failed to stay up, the blame wouldn’t be as crucifying an affair because it’s Alan Shearer who took them down. The mentality here is, if Shearer can't save them no one can. The reality is, someone with years of experience might have. Or possibly not. The players have been half arsed for most of the season and only a fool would have risked taking the job.
For Shearer it was already a difficult task and considering what came before, the overall blame is shared by many. And that’s his fail-safe. The reason he could take the job in the first place, knowing full well that he could assess how best to go forward and whether he believes himself to be up for the job. The fact he is being considered actually proves nothing has been learnt.
If Shearer wasn’t an ex-Newcastle player, what other credentials does he possess to be a manager and help a club that's in such a perilous position? Just because you are idolised doesn’t mean you can galvanise.
Ashley should have replaced Allardyce (having decided to get rid of him) with a Redknapp style appointment. Although Sam was probably meant to be just that in the first place.
Apparently Shearer is the only one who can bring them back up again, even though he practically admitted he has failed the club. How about, I don't know it's a zany thing to suggest but perhaps an experienced coach as the next appointment? Even - shock horror - someone who has no ties to Newcastle United. Enough of the fantasy football fairytale. Buckle up and bite the bullet.
I wish them luck but with the likes of Ashley at the club, I'm not certain they will find it easy. Would help if they had players that aspired to have the same passion as their fans. But alas, everyone up there is a little delusional.
So, here we are. The upside of it is we can all safely watch Match of the Day next season knowing we only have to put up with Hansen and Lawerson. Don't worry. I have plans for them too.
Now, excuse me. I’ve got another cigar to smoke.
Reader Comments (68)
Sorry but Newcastle are nothing like Spurs. They are in a far worse state, far far worse and relegation is the best way for them to get rid of all the shit and start afresh. It might seem like the end of the world at the moment but they need this because nothing for them has really changed in the past 5 years or so. They've just bought badly and managed badly and they now need to bring in proud players who want to do well and stability in the form of experienced coaches who can get all the basics right. Can see them coming back up, maybe not from the off but in 2 years max.
One thing though, Geordie fans might need to forget about playing attractive football. Not that they've come close to that this season. Championship is different gravy. All lumpy and ugly.
Well written article that states a lot of truth and yet people just see it as a laugh at newcastle piece? Christ he makes a valid point. Ashley is a fuck up who reacts to what he thinks people expect from him based on this bullshit stereotype the media have built up about Newcastle. Shearer had no chance. Ashley is the problem but having cleared your debts and failed to sell the club he's stuck with it now. Lets see how much he really loves the club now.
I get what you mean Truth, its nice to see someone who can write a reply without saying fuck in it.
Ive been most of the London grounds plenty of times and usually found your place ok, well compared to Millwall, Chelsea and West ham but that was in the days when it was expected.
And for the last comment about hiding behind a keyboard, you will find i wasnt aimed at the author of the blog, or is that a little hard for you to understand ?
I do enjoy a nice 8th.
If Spurs were ever relegated it would send england into melt down. Look how giddy everyone gets when they flirt with the bottom three. the jokes would be never ending. but you know what, once the jokes die down a little everyone gets back to the real deal and no doubt Harry and Spurs will probably fuck up next season and they will be too busy worrying about yet another transitional season to concern themselves with anything else much like all the other fans who are laughing at the minute. when it all settles and newcastle appoint a manager their fans should and will get behind the club. spurs went down in the late 70's. came straight back up. and rolled into the 80's with some smashing teams and cup glory. i know things are different and there are comparisons with leeds but i think newcastle will be fine. shearer has to take the job even if he isn't qualified. he can bring in a proper coach to handle the training and what have you but he needs to lead them back up. someone with newcastle in their heart has to remain involved.
As a kid who grew up in the North East, but who became a Spurs fan thanks to my older brother Shaun, I am still very very sad NUFC have been relegated. Ashley is a shrewd businessman blinded by his wish to own a successful football team.
Lets get some business and football brains in and see a side that gets 50,000 a week in back where it belongs.
From a Yiddo "Howay the lads!"
Spurs through and through, I've been gutted by Newcastle's defeat - my grandad came from Gateshead and all my mates as a kid were Magpies fans.
Valle - Spurs have never actually been that close to relegation in the Premier League era, with the exception of one season - it was around 1995 where we scraped it by a few points by beating Oldham away with just 2-3 games left in the season. But we've never been in the mix in the last game of the season, and for all but about 2 years we have been quite a fair few points away. We may have looked in trouble this year, but when the dust settled we were many many points away.
That said, your point is right - 'there by the grace of god'. Nobody believed West Ham, Leeds, or Clough's Forest would go down. Everton came within a whisker with a last day escape in the early years of the PL. A bad management appointment (or 4!) and injuries to key players after the transfer window closes.... and you can find yourself deep in it.
The Newcastle players deserve relegation.
The Newcastle board deserve relegation.
The Newcastle supporters deserve a lot more than the utter shit they've had to put up with.
My first reaction on Sunday when Newcastle got relegated was one of joy. I hoped that somewhere in amongst all the gloom visited on NUFC fans that they'd realise that Shearer is a muppet and that their board and their own desire for 'local heroes' took them down (the taunting and barracking of Allardyce seems pretty foolish now doesn't it?)
However, yesterday I started to feel quite bad for the NUFC supporters, I started to think about how gutted I'd have been if Spurs had been relegated. THEN I switched on SSN - Hundreds of NUFC fans standing outside of 'Shearers' and St James Park chanting 'SHEARER, SHEARER'
My sympathy vanished, dissapated in the blink of an eye. That bunch of NUFC fans may have been doing it out of a misguided sense of loyalty but the sheer idiocy of chanting a mans name who'd just got you relegated summed NUFC up!!
I for one will most defintiely not miss them next season, in fact if they never bounced up to the PL again I'd be quite pleased.
NUFC fans, ask yourselves one question........ Would Shearer taken the job with 15 games to go??
P.S. - Congratulations to Damian Duff............. YOU SAVED FOOTBALL!!
Newcastle are doomed if they keep hold of the players that took them down. Shambles the lot of 'em.
Cartoon army.
Barcodes have finally checked out.
David Blaine is said to be "absolutely gutted", after he discovered that his 44 day record of doing f**k all in a box had been smashed by Michael Owen.
Knorr have released a special edition black & white striped stock cube to celebrate Newcastle United's terrible Premier League season. It's called the Laughing Stock
Newcastle United had negotiated a new sponsorship deal with a leading dog food manufacturer until someone pointed out that having the word 'Winalot' emblazoned on their shirts would be stretching the truth a little too far.
Henry Percy
Class mate! Loving the Villa banner "WHO'S YOUR NEXT MESSIAH? ANT OR DEC?" and SOB ON THE TYNE!
Here's hoping that NUFC don't come up again anytime soon
"The Newcastle supporters deserve a lot more than the utter shit they've had to put up with"
The ones that cheered Ashley's arrival
The ones that shouted for Allardyce's head
The ones that called for Keggy's return
The ones that claimed Shearer their saviour
The ones that are still claiming Shearer as their saviour
He's not the messiah, he's a very naughty boy.
Delusional......moi?. From Yeovil Town to Accrington Stanley most fans have sung that their club is "by far the greatest team, the world has ever seen". Delusional, with football supporting it comes with the territory.
As for the jokes, the thing about schadenfreude is that there's a strong element of 'rather him than me' involved. So whilst we may follow the conventions and rip the piss out of the Toon, most of us have some sympathy for the fans. We were all sick to death of the triangle jokes at the beginning of the season, thankfully Evil saw sense and brought in Harry, whose pragmatic approach rescued us from despair.
I wish the Toon a speedy return.
"The Newcastle supporters deserve a lot more than the utter shit they've had to put up with"
The ones that cheered Ashley's arrival
The ones that shouted for Allardyce's head
The ones that called for Keggy's return
The ones that claimed Shearer their saviour
The ones that are still claiming Shearer as their saviour
My comments are made on the assumption of non-stereotypes. If they exist.
"My comments are made on the assumption of non-stereotypes. If they exist."
It is Newcastle you're talking about after all ;¬)