Tottenham set for relegation if they appoint Andre Villas-Boas
Sunday, July 1, 2012 at 11:15AM Guest blog by Daily Express journalist and rreporter Colin Mafham
Tottenham Hotspur are on the verge of a cataclysmic black hole that will systematically suck their history, past present and future, to oblivion crushing all hopes to ever aspire to bettering the Harry Redknapp era at White Hart Lane.
The suggestions are the former Chelsea flop, Andre Villas-Boas, will take the job in a futile attempt to improve his own damaged beyond repair career having only previously enjoyed moderate success at Porto. Club captain Ledley King is holding emergency talks currently with the intention to strike once Spurs unveil their new Christian Gross. The supporters are hoping Villas-Boas has enough credit on his Oyster Card to find his way back home from N17 after what many expect to become a disastrous second season in England, one that sends Spurs spiralling back down to midtable.
King (according to our club insiders) will not be offered a new contract and will be kicked out of the club by Villas-Boas as his first act as Spurs boss. The suggestion is Villas-Boas plans to damage King's only working knee to make sure the player retires from the game completley. Also, all squirrels will be hunted down and killed at Tottenham's new training ground because Villas-Boas is pure pure evil and hates anything fluffy and furry. Which doesn't bode will for Tom Huddlestone who will be ordered to shave off his afro (grown for charity) because Villas-Boas is rotten to the core. The sixteen year old Portuguse manager with no experience in the game also enjoys to **** in your bowl of corn-flakes if given the chance.
Spurs fans on Twitter are outraged and are calling for the club to roll back and reappoint club legend Harry Redknapp. One fans claims, "I've never heard of this Villas-Boas" whilst another commented, "He looks like a serial-killer". There are also suggestions that Villas-Boas purposely lost his job at Chelsea to take the Spurs job in order to sabotage the club, with his former employee Roman Abramovich financing the conspiracy. There's no evidence to suggest this but I'm fairly certain it's the truth.
Nico Kranjcar and Vedran Corluka have already deserted the sinking ship and pivotal players dos Santos and the brilliant David Bentley are writing up their transfer requests as we speak.
Regardless, chairman Daniel Levy is pushing ahead with signing players without the consent or knowledge of the new manager, suggesting there is already trouble at the mill. Had Levy retained the services of Redknapp, with the players Harry would have signed, Spurs would have achieved the position Harry would have got at the end of the season against all odds and punching above their weight.
A demonstration is planned later on today by journalists and sports editors.
Reader Comments (78)
Touché
I hear that when Ledders retires he and the missus are moving to Madrid.
They're going to be the 'Kings of Leon'.
'Triffic. Remember I only had 2 points from 8 games, so the young fella will have to go some if he's starting with none
Reading this made me chuckle after the first couple of lines,however reading the comments made me almost piss myself! I love all Spurs fans,we are yids!but if any gooners see this they will tear us a new arsehole.Whoever didn't get the tongue in cheek manner this was quite clearly written in obviously just read the first line and went into rant mode or perhaps are just plain thick as fuck lol Sarcasm is the highest form of wit and people that don't get it make it all the more funny for the ones that do.Nice one Colin!...very good sir!
Hey writer of this page, I found 'the brilliant David Bentley' part hilarious! Oh and give AVB a chance, it will be nice to see how he handles a team that have pace... One other thing, you can't forget what Arry done to us, he left the 'forever flopping' Adebayor on the pitch whilst our best attacker of the season sat on the bench wandering what he done wrong...
OMg cant believe Gazza Hoddle Ginola are going whatabout ossie
what a load of shit Redknapp had his chance and bottled it who ever takes over all spurs fans must give him time who knows how it will work out only time is going to tell
Once again a spot on article! It is no wonder that the media have descended to such a position of low esteem in the pubic's view. Their aim is to publish anything, irrespective of reality and truth, to get the attention of the consumer. Once, years ago the press were viewed as honorable searchers of truth, now they are viewed as slightly below serial killers and pedophiles. The Levenson inquiry into the media will only scratch the surface. Unless the consumer starts to take direct action nothing will change.
AVB, you can run my club, but you're not touching my efing cornflakes! COYS!
Haha, hilarious... In all seriousness though, I heard from a reliable ITK (I live next door to a guy who provides pitch fertiliser to WHL) that Levy is also outraged at the prospect of AVB and will 100% resign if AVB accepts the contract he offers to him...
Spooky, your sense of humour is as black as AVB's heart..
Delicious work.
Some of our fans are a bit dense.
Then again, a job at the daily express is still possible for them.
Seriously, any spurs fan who buys the sun/De/star or any other of these papers should consider changing. It will be non-stop spurs bashing all season.
Andre Villas-Boas has been clinically diagnosed with borderline Asperger's syndrome by world-renowned medical expert and part-time tabloid hack Dr Ian McGarry.
It's too early to tell if the Portuguese child protégé falls into the genius category, or whether he's already tumbled head-first into the insanity bracket.
Under Armour are understood to be developing a belted straightjacket-raincoat combo in order to cover all possible eventualities.
Pretty damned funny, apart from the bit about shooting the squirrels. I hadn't realised that he was THAT evil!
How many idiots have read this article!? If you can't see he is taking the piss, don't read blogs. He says Bentley and Dos Santos are pivotal.....it's called sarcasm you morons!!
its as if someone took what i was thinking for the last few days and wrote it down! im still worried of course about avb -will he end up being a genius or a disaster?
i have to say that all the papers have been much worse than usual and for some reason theyve all written eactly the same rubbish, i mean some of it isnt even speculative, its purely the intentional reporting of known and published facts incorrectly. cmon journos, at least lie to me properly ffs!!!
For those of you wonderful Yidos that haven't quite understood the humour in this artical.......Just listen to Chelski
Fellow European champions, it's an exposed secret that AVB will be unveiled at Spurs in the coming days as their next permanent manager.
As we all know, he flopped at SW6, but I am seriously afraid of his second coming to England.
So many of us may think that his man management problem was the reason why he failed with us, but I stand to slightly disagree; remember this same thing happened to Scolari and at some points Avram Grant and all these were people who had good successes at their previous posts.
He uses a principle I know so well to relate with people;
"gentle with the gentle, tough with the tough"
He only wanted everyone to know he was the Boss.
I had always and will always hold him in high regards.
At Spurs, he has the players that will easily buy into his Ideas, defensively, they are compact except their central defence which they are about to fix with Vertnogen (sic), of course you know of their midfield and attack.
AVB might come back to haunt us just like Jose Mourinho did at Inter. I'm afraid he'll be a major hit at Spurs and we will all be regretting letting him go.
The old guard that we all support ahead of our managers would all be gone then. AVB will come back to bite us! You first heard it from me.
Read more: http://www.chelsea.vitalfootball.co.uk/article.asp?a=529919#ixzz1zNhOn14l
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sport/football/article-2167247/Alan-Dzagoev-wanted-Spurs-says-CSKA-Moscow-stars-Dad.html
much better!
How some people cannot tell the obvious sarcastic tone of another masterful piece from spooky I have no idea.
No people don't take it seriously, when they see a headline like the one above they don't bother reading the article.
YAY Wit!! Well if we're waxing on lyrical about the main post, let's not gloss over this one:
"We shouldn’t forget that the only one suggested that AVB prefers to work rather with young players, was his agent.
We shouldn’t forget also that his successor at Chelsea could achieve in the shortest possible time to win the highest European trophy (that could be also happened at Spurs: his successor to win the CL).
Finally, we shouldn’t forget that as we have witnessed (or dreamed about), at the short period that AVB was manager of Chelsea he has proved that he is a great tactician able to turn around a game when things didn’t go well for Chelsea, that he could use a player at a position that he would be more effective, that he was always using the right players and was making the right substitutions, that he looks and is very intelligent, that he has a strong personality and a winner’s character.
If we add his long experience in the game and his mentality I think that we have enough reasons to dream that he could be successful at Spurs."
(YAY loanX!)
Too much of that was English to pass as something in that bog paper.
Ave we got a home friendly pre season.....?
Somebody said you were an effing idiot ( Scroll up and you'll see it).I don't agree.I think you like the sound of your own voice and are bouyed by what you see as your eloqnce and clever way with words.You're not an idiot.Just an arsehole.
It's a blog. The title of arsehole can be shared between blogger and reader more often than not. If you scroll a little, not that much, in fact not at all, you'll shit bricks when you see it.
Firstly, all those people who BELIEVED this witticism do now get in a straight line and say sorry to Spooky ..... trousers down please.
Second, it should be a lesson to us all to stop getting wound up by the tabloids, which just spout 'Arry-infected bollox. I try to bring myself not to click on any of the 'X on the way to Spurs', or 'Y leaving Spurs' pieces - they only bring revenue to shits, and raise my blood pressure. We should appoint someone to collate all the claims of signings each window and, when the window closes tell us what percentage of claims proved to be true. It will be rather low. I'd put in a fiver to save myself the angst ......
Thirdly, if it turns out that there IS a 'big war chest', it suggests that 'Arry may have been on his way out for some time - Levy was just trying to do it cheaply.
Fourthly - COYS!!!
Case ur a c**k
Support the team, back the manager. Always someone better/worse out there. Time we remembered 'the gap' we were trying to mind last year and would have romped were it not for our dear old arry's financial indiscretions and career aspirations getting in the way. AVB welcome, Moyes would have been sublime. Be happy peeps
Harry Redknapp (Spurs' most successful manager in Premier League Football) will appear on the Jumboscreens at Tottenham Hotspur for two-minutes of Hate before every home game.
The King is dead.............good luck to AVB.........Long live the Spurs.