The Stupendous Adventures of Bale and Bentley
Tuesday, January 4, 2011 at 1:01PM At the Spurs Lodge, in the changing rooms...
Gareth: Hey David. What you doing?
David: I’m preparing.
Gareth: For what?
David: A new beginning. One without heartache and disillusion, just peace. Just wonderful, beautiful tranquil peace. No more voices in my head.
Gareth: Is that...is that a gun?
David: Don’t you worry, shouldn’t you be out on the training pitch, running up and down, just in case someone from Marca or Madrid is sat in a tree watching you.
Gareth: There’s no need to be like that David. I beat my hoodoo and you can beat yours. Is that a bucket of gold paint?
David: Oh, I intend to. I intend to do just that. Yes, that's gold paint.
Gareth: Look at the state of you. What's with the hair, the scruffy beard? And the gun. You don’t need to go out this way.
David: Go out? Go out? I’ll be going out alright. With a bang.
Gareth: Oh Christ no. You have other options, you do. Talk to someone, talk to me.
David: Talk? Talk? I’ve done my talking. Done it with my feet since the day I arrived here. Star-jumping. Kicking a ball into a skip. Stepping down on the gas in my Porsche. Setting my foot on fire and jumping into a pool. What else am I meant to do? What else? I’m sorry, but this is the only option I have.
Gareth: Why have you got Beckham printed on the back of your shirt?
David: No reason.
Gareth: David, the gun. You don’t have to...
David: Oh do shut up Gareth. It’s not even real. It’s one of those trendy cigar lighters.
Gareth: Oh okay, ha ha ha, I’m daft sometimes.
David: I think I can hear Harry calling you.
Gareth: But what about all that talk about peace and a new beginning and the voices? Oh, and you appear to have gold paint running down the side of your thighs.
David: I need to throw the lighter away, that's all. It’s controversial because it looks like a gun. It's my only option and it...would be a new beginning for me without it. And therefore quiet and you know, peaceful. No one nagging me. You know...
Gareth: Okay, cool. And the paint?
David: Harry is calling you Gareth. See ya.
Gareth: What’s that?
David: What’s what?
Gareth: I thought I heard something. Not Harry calling, not from the outside. In here. A noise.
David: I hear nothing. Bye.
Gareth: Okay, maybe it's the lads on the training pitch. No wait...
David: What?
Gareth: There it is again. Sounds like a muffled...a muffled voice.
David: I don’t hear a thing.
Gareth: Listen, just listen. It’s coming from over there, in the showers.
David: There is no one in the showers. And definitely no one tied and gagged there. No need to look. Skip along outside now. Harry has drafted in Macion just for you to run at in training.
Gareth: There it is again. I’m taking a look.
David: I'd prefer that you didn't do that.
Gareth: Oh my God! Jesus...is that? Oh no! What have you done? David! Oh my God, what have you done? He’s meant to be having his medical! Look at the state of him! He looks half dead!
David: He won’t be having a medical. There is no need for him to have a medical. I will be having the medical.
Gareth: What? What are you talking about? This is insane! Crazy, just crazy! Hold up, what's that over there? Is that a second person gagged and tied up?
David: Yes. Victoria.
Gareth: Okay.
David: Yep.
Gareth: Right...okay...where was I? Oh yes, Christ, oh my God, you can't have him gagged and tied up! You just can't! It's lunacy!
David: Yes I can. There is only room for one David here. A younger David. A me David. David Beckham.
Gareth: Your name is Bentley, David Bentley.
David: Is it Gareth? Is it? My shirt says otherwise.
Gareth: You've lost it, you've lost your marbles, completely lost it. You need to untie him. You won’t get away with this. It’s madness. It’s absolute madness! What are you doing now? The lighter? I'm hardly going to run scared of a lighter that looks like a gun...wait...what are you going to do with it? No, no...not the hair, not the hair...I've only just finished combing it...NOOOOOOOOO !!
Later that same day...
Jim White: Welcome to Sky Sports News. David Beckham has been unveiled at Tottenham's training ground, The Lodge, after successfully passing a medical for a two month loan deal, although he’s already hinted he wants to stay longer at White Hart Lane. Becks was in fine form, looking fresher than ever, entertaining the journalists present with a superb display of skill, keeping the ball balanced on his head, star-jumping, with his foot on fire inside a Porsche whilst driving it into a skip. Classic Beckham there winning over the Tottenham faithful, all members of the press giving him a standing ovation. And Sky Sports was there to capture this historic moment. Just look at the yellow ticker if you don't believe me. Becks is back in England with a bang, baby!
Georgie Thompson: Great stuff, we'll have the press conference in full in around three hours after we play countless ad breaks and tease you with more footage from said press conference without ever going to the actual headline story. In other news, Spurs officials have denied Gareth Bale has gone AWOL and that he’s probably gone home to see his mum, the soft lad.
Jim White: Sorry Georgie, let's go live to the Spurs Lodge where apparently, ha ha ha, sorry, let me compose myself, back to the Lodge where apparently Beckham has thrown a bucket of water over Harry Redknapp. Classic! And it's in HD!
The End.
The Stupendous Adventures of Bale and Bentley - Episode One
The Stupendous Adventures of Bale and Bentley - Episode Two
The Stupendous Adventures of Bale and Bentley - Episode Three
The Stupendous Adventures of Bale and Bentley - Episode Four
The Fantastical Return of the Adventures of Bale and Bentley (Episode Five)
The Stupendous Adventures of Bale and Bentley - Episode Six
The Stupendous Adventures of Gareth Bale - Episode Seven
Reader Comments (31)
Well done Spooky.
Sounds almost like a script. You were tempted weren't you?
The sky stuff would have been more difficult.
Golden balls of a story.
The end???!!
Best episode ever.
Zany
Who`s David Bentley ?????
Is that it then spooky?? The end or will there be more perhaps at the end of January when David & Gareth go their seperate ways?
Pure genius! Missed the others and have just read through them, Spooky you should have your own show mate, this is priceless!!
ahh-ahhh-ahhhhh GOLDENBALLS! Mr Bentley to you....
Spooky you are a nutter.
A nutter indeed , but funny as hell this series , almost sad to see Bentley go ... Almost.
Reporter: 'What's happening with David then Harry'?
Harry: Smiling,embarrassed, and rocking in his chair 'David Beckham? still smiling and now briefly closing his eyes - possibly thinking 'Jammie you cunt' 'yeah..I don't know what's happening there, I haven't heard anything for a couple of days (Jammie's turned his phone off ) you know,there seems now, to be plenty of clubs interested (Beckham also bumped into the The Qatari Royal Family in soft furnishings and Raj Singh and his brothers in Lidi) - it's a difficult one Gary (LA Galaxy didn't even know Beckham was in London) - you know, January turns into February and before you know it.....is that the fire alarm?
Bale is nothing without Bentley, nothing. This series will die on it's arse if Bents is sold off.
'COCK OF THE MONTH'
My money is riding on Harry.......I'm still scratching my head wondering what the fuck Harry was thinking when he announced to the world and it's giraffe, that Danial had loads of money burning holes in his fingerless gloves, and that the money should be ejaculated on a marquee signing!
Brilliant stuff. Loved the setting my foot on firebit. Quality.
In stitches the whole way through. Love this line: "A me David. David Beckham." LOOOOL
Harry in the transfer window and sound bites they don't work well. He covers all angles, yes we are , no we're not, maybe, maybe not. Wish he would just shut up and do everything behind the scenes.
@Spooky
Rum hasn't worn off yet has it lad....well done (again)
Great stuff Spooky,very funny........COYS
Just for the hell of it should we keep a track/list of players we are being linked to?
I'll start it anyway today is a slow day in the office
FC Utrecht forward Ricky Van Wolfswinkel - The next Van Basten...(here we go...) - V UNLIKELY
Ajax striker Luiz Suarez - the current Luis Suarez (closing in on a 17m deal nip in ahead of the scum apparently) - DOUBTFUL
Everton wideman (not wideboy) Steven Pienaar/Rachel Yankey - 2mil deal or pre-contract (niko and bentley out) - LOOKS PROBABLE
Brand Beckham - The new becks - 8/9 game 2 month loan (prob off as harry has no chicken and wants 3 months min) - POSSIBLE RUNNER
Wolves winger Matt Jarvis - the next Niko (being touted by triffictottenham) - NON RUNNER
Anything I missed?
Triffictottenham?
Oh dear.
@AOC
yeah thats what I thought too
I heard we are linked with Glen Johnson :-) Beat that , lol
Churning out already churned out news is not blogging for me.
@AOC
Just messing around - keeping a list of the shit in one place thats all.....if it aint already been reported then it'd be an ITK moment no?
Thing is Arry would probably turn Glen Johnson into a worldbeater..??COYS
Quote from the Independent:
Redknapp's decision to express a public interest in Beckham is understood to have been impulsive and provoked by his frustration at David Bentley, who had pulled out of a training session.
I read Sky Sports as Sky Spooks. Maybe I'm barely literate. Maybe walkingreading is hopeless. Maybe I am a premonitionist. Spooks?
You'll all be laughing on the other sides of your faces come May 2012, when I'm playing at Wembley in the playoff final.
Did I tell you I'm a lifelong WH fan?
And Oi'l be dere witt him. So feck yas all, ya ballix.
I used to have a Trevor Brooking pyjama case, loike.
@ Robbie Keane and David Bentley
In that case you'll lose because you're both utter shit.
One of the best posts.