Field report: Daniel Levy THFC club secrets revealed
Sunday, July 3, 2011 at 7:14PM Dear Mr Levy,
Evening to you.
Well technically, it's morning. 4am.
Been sitting here for an hour. Meditating. Yes, yes. I still recite passages from The Art of War by Sun Tzu. Some things, they never change. But other things, do. I recently upgraded to the ATN Night Warrior. Let me tell you, it's a stunning piece of kit. It really compliments my Snap Gun Lock Pick (it's what police officers use to open locks with minimal fuss). Very handy when you've gone and forgotten your credit card at home. Uses primary laws of physics to compromise locks. Genius. Picked it up on-line for just under £50, comes with picking needles and a tension tool. But without the ATN I'd be lost out in the dark, walking into your professionally trimmed rose bushes (why no Lilies?) and falling over the copies of The Opus you keep out back near the trash. If you need a fence to get rid of them, I know someone. He's well kosher. Knows a man who knows a man. Text me.
As for that ATN. We are talking high-tech, water-resistant second generation pocketscope technology. Had to upgrade from my trusted PSP-10 Cybereye which to be honest has seen better days. Sadly almost damaged beyond repair after the last squirrel attack at The Lodge. Those pesky b*stards never forget a face. Still, got a decent price for it on Ebay. I've already tested the ATN prior to my current assignment. Was out the other night with it. All girl Catholic boarding school just down the road. Have to say the 3X magnification on the lens...just stunning, stunning. Perfect for best balance between light-gathering ability and field of view. Paid out a little extra for the IR illuminator and the camera adapter.
Battery life, 15 hours. More than enough time to go in and come out. You should know, I see you have your own NVG kit. Along with a 12 channel UHF receiver and various transmitters. Where did you get the ultra slim voice activated room bug from by the way? Lovely build on that. You been busy doing some surveillance of your own then? Let me guess. That same Catholic school? Don't worry, it will be our little secret.
Enough about technology. Let me take a moment to breathe in the surrounding odours that have me transfixed. Yes, yes. I can smell you Daniel. I can smell the smell of a true mans man.
It's been some time since I've sat in this room. In your home. Been a very long time. Although the view from underneath the dining table is hardly my choice of comfort. Work before pleasure. Hence the camouflage, face paint and hiding place. Reconnaissance means sacrificing one or two pleasantries, like treating myself to your biscuit cabinet. You still digging the Custard Creams? I bought my own food supplies this time. Wasabi peas. Keeps me on edge, alert. Takes me back to the Gulf. Actually no, wasn't a gulf. More of a bay. In Cornwall, near Newquay I think. Lovely little restaurant. I ran away without paying the bill. The adrenaline, man, was something else. The peas, they work like a flashback mechanism. Triggers the edge, the alertness. It's the difference between sitting here in ninja silence and tripping a security alarm.
In fact, the more I think, it's been an absolute age since I last found myself spending several days a week completing community service due to my prior...let's just call them indiscretions. Or 'home invasions' as CID exaggerated. No longer does the 100 metre restraining order matter, long since ceased. If I get caught I'm hoping the judge will not dismiss my recent good behaviour out of hand. Everyone is susceptible to a relapse. I can just blame it on forgetting to take my medication.
I've been a model citizen. You'll have probably noticed, I no longer stand around the West Stand entrance holding a bucket of p*ss. I'm a reformed character. Although I remain completely committed to making sure you do an acceptable job for us, the fans. Which is why I'm here.
It's my duty to make some noise. Metaphorically speaking. Would not want to wake up your wife. By the way, if the dog is still sound asleep in the morning when you get out of bed, don't fret. The sedatives are extra strong, for that extra reassurance. No long lasting damage. Other than perhaps a day or two of incontinence.
I've already found what I was looking for, along with one or two other minor surprises.
Here's a tip for you. Free of charge. Don't stash your porn behind books in your study. If I found them then it's only a matter of time before your missus does. Also, 'Confessions from the David Galaxy Affair' and 'The Playbirds'...really? This stuff is softer than a Care Bear drowning in feathers. I'll hook you up with some Tori Black sometime. You do p2p?
Talking of porn, your laptop was easy to login to. Security is a joke. Password: Stratford4eva. So textbooky Levy that. Your screensaver is an even bigger joke. Although as far as photo-shopped nudes go, it makes Karren look very, dare I say, sexy? Granted, it's Karren Brady's face on Natalie Portman's body, but hey...whatever turns you on.
I also see (from your internet browser cache) you still flirt with the message boards. Look, some more free advice for you. If you wish to go incognito online you need to be a little more subtle. People will put 2 and 2 together, you'll leaving far too many obvious stand-out clues. Firstly your user-name on Spurs Community. Blatantly blatantly obvious to the more inquisitive user.
Allow me to show you the math.
What music plays before the team runs out: Duel of the Fates from Star Wars Episode 1.
What's our home: White Hart Lane.
2+2 = Phantom (as in, Star Wars: Episode 1: The Phantom Menace) of the Lane.
Where's the imagination Daniel?
You are winding up people who spend hundreds on a season ticket yearly. Which by the way is stupendously hard to burn in protest. You do know it just melts away right? You can hardly start a bonfire like the old paper booklets. I had to claim it lost when I was informed that you're meant to keep it for the following season. The irony of having to hand over money because of a protest against season ticket price increases to get a replacement card burnt in protest of season ticket price hikes...it kills me, kills me.
What else can I see? World of Warcraft installation. Lady GaGa mp3's (illegally downloaded) and a Facebook friend request to Carlo Ancelotti.
Word of advice. Again.
You should also look to encrypt your word documents. I just read the Luka Modric related club announcements you've drafted. Very clever. You've done this on purpose haven't you? In fact, it's the reason why you've not encrypted your documents. Trying to f**k with my mind, Daniel?
Statement one: An apology and explanation why the offer from Chelsea was too good to turn down and in the long term best for the club to sell a player who no longer wanted to be part of the team. Complaint lodged with FA. Undisclosed donation accepted to the Tottenham Foundation.
Statement two: An apology and explanation why the offer from Manchester United was too good to turn down and in the long term best for the club to sell a player who no longer wanted to be part of the team. Complaint lodged with FA. Undisclosed donation accepted to the Tottenham Foundation.
I've helped you out here. Both beautifully crafted, but I've deleted the first statement. Let's not go ruin the relationship with our parent club. Also, just to let you know, he wont be any good for us or anyone else chained up like that. Kudos for the basement prison and I know the little Croatian is gaunt and petite looking at the best of times but I made him a cheese and pickle sandwich. He needs to regain strength in time for pre-season. He called me 'mother' so I think he might also be hallucinating, so I left him with a couple of bottles of water. At least have him chained up in the back yard or somewhere with a window.
Then there's the small matter of...Christ, there it goes again. That snoring, it's relentless. Damn it, lost my train of thought. Best I leave my base under your dining table and return to the living room. Do I need to leave an anonymous phone message with the Daily Mail about this? I can see the headline now.
MEXICAN IMMIGRANT FOUND SLEEPING ON PREMIER LEAGUE CHAIRMAN'S LIVING ROOM SOFA.
He's in his boxer shorts. Let me revise that headline.
MEXICAN SEX SLAVE IMMIGRANT FOUND SLEEPING ON PREMIER LEAGUE CHAIRMAN'S LIVING ROOM SOFA.
What's the deal with this guy any ways? Pedroza Witham? Really? Is this the best you can do?
Let me give you a heads up. Football Manager 2011. It's like Damien Comolli but without the smug glasses. Actually, Comolli is more like a ten year old with Google and You Tube access. My point is...Pedroza Witham? Really? Did the scouts misspell Wickham? Mexico and Ipswich. Guess there's not that much of a difference. Just ask Gio.
Bless Pedroza, he's now talking in his sleep. 'Gooooala, Goooola'. At least he's scoring somewhere. I've checked Wikipedia and his stats belong on a t-shirt. 12 games. No goals.
Oh look, the sunrise, my cue to leave. Daylight is creeping into the room. And I now need to creep out. Not quite had enough time to rummage through your laundry basket. Souvenirs can wait for my next visit. Although I'm liking the calendar in the kitchen. Never guessed you were a Glee man. Felt-tip circled around the 31st August, 11:45pm. You got something planned for that day?
By the way. Love the new carpet. Never red, hey?
Yours quietly,
Spooky
Reader Comments (30)
Roffles as I believe young people are prone to say.
I think the window closes at 6 though, those fax machines are a git to work after dark.
Another one in the bag Spooky!
Out of curiosity... does Levy pee in the dark?
Just skimmed this overwritten nonsense. If the rather long-winded point was that you think Levy is a hound - then consider this: it's the squad that Levy inheritted from Lord Sugar.
Neil SULLIVAN Stephen CARR Mauricio TARICCO Steffen FREUND Goran BUNJEVCEVIC Chris PERRY Darren ANDERTON Tim SHERWOOD Les FERDINAND Teddy SHERINGHAM Sergei REBROV Gary DOHERTY Kasey KELLER Gus POYET Willem KORSTEN Steffen IVERSEN Oyvind LEONHARDSEN Ben THATCHER Chris ARMSTRONG John JACKSON Christian ZIEGE Dave BEASANT Stephen CLEMENCE Ledley KING Matt Simon DAVIES ETHERINGTON Anthony GARDNER Dean RICHARDS
Now tell me that the bloke doesn't know what he's doing.
Arse.
thats some of my life i will never get back, most boring load of shit i have ever red in all my days
:-)
I know for a fact the club read Tottenham blogs; I wonder if Levy actually reads these. I'd like to think he finds them funny if so.
Can you break into Gold and Sullivan's and let us know what you find there? (A life sized model of a helicopter with no engine and a blow up Mary Millington for sure).
What load of pissed drivel.
Good read.
I can't tell you how much I loved this piece of work! You literally had me in tears of laughter!
I mean I do enjoy reading this blog site, as it is the reason I do frequent it so often, but none has tickled my funny bone quite like this (I know it's not really where your sense of humour really comes from, & it never is funny when you hit it, so why call it that?) anyway keep up the recon work, as long as it doesn't land you in the slammer 'cos then I think your blogs will just become depressing!
When's the book out, Spooky? A work of unrivalled literary genius.
Satire, filth and football, the holy trinity.
Classic Spooky. You're an inspiration!
It took me a while, but when I finally got it ........... funny as f**k!
Does DL have any pics in the downstairs cloakroom?
Probably best to say you either get it or you don't.
Been a while since one of these Spooky, infra red goggles and squirrels! where else.
Stay off/or on those pills.
Whatever happened to that a.r.s.e.n.a.l thing at the top of the page as well??
It's here: http://www.dearmrlevy.com/do-you-know-your-history/
I'm blind i think! Either way that confused a few as well.
Hehe this is the kind of trademark Spooky stuff , great work according to some (myself included) and drivel according to others
Made me chuckle though
Dont just post for the sake of it, the bagel will be turning in his grave.
Has site been infiltrated by a gooner.
Just fuck off and let Levy get on with creating a dynasty.
One direction (yes slowly) but one direction since Levy arrived and it is a positive direction, yes sometimes like David Haye we do not strike and instead seem content to plod on however each year the plod level gets a bit higher.
You have lost it mate,
It would appear that even when amongst friends, there is sometimes no accounting for taste (or lack thereof).
As ever lovin' the work. In a world driven by 140 character messages, nice to see a bit of prose to while away a minute or two.
V. Funny (clearly not for some though, if I was part of the 'MTV' geneation, clearly they must be the 'txt 4 u' generation)
ps. I miss Bunjy and some of those others, Hamish, there's no fun in life unless your team has at least one JJ in it (by which I mean the original 'JJ', although his replacement is fulfilling his obligations well).
Stevo - I am an Arsenal fan. This site is propaganda.
Down with the Spurs, down with the Spurs...
The sooner we can get back to Jenas hating and debating whether Huddlestone is a fat loser or not, the better.
This OS nonsense, which keeps hitting new levels of grubbiness, is driving me up the wall.
Covert, stalkerish...like it. Did you by any chance leave any clues to spook Daniel out as it were? like, say, taking the rocker out of the light switch and turning it the other way round, so when he is putting the light on, only YOU know the rocker is upside down and the side he is pushing would normally turn the light off..or perhaps emptying the dishwasher and then re-stacking it with a spoon the wrong way round?....alternatively breathe on the kitchen window and write 'S P O O K Y' with your finger so the next time he boils the kettle the hidden message comes into view? Then again, a drop-dead-fred inspired 'dogpoo on the lovely carpet' might have had a better outcome...
Oh I dunno, perhaps I should have just written an additional generic insult, instead I find myself talking bollocks to avoid the subject of that fucking OS malarkey with Cardboard-teeth Karren Brady and her two tits called David....
When's the footy back ffs?
Winter , seems like you have been doing some stalking of your own mate , full of ideas there :)
Very funny, keep it up.
Belgian, ;o) I obviously have no idea what you are talking about........................*legs it*
Nice piece of satire Spooky. I think a few don't get it. You could have put Leandro in there somewhere to get his attention. Maybe you should have bought 2 return tickets to Brazil off his computer and given him the hint.
Not sure what's funnier spooks........."Wasabi peas. Keeps me on edge" or "if the rather long-winded point was that you think Levy is a hound - then consider this"
either way its just what the doctor ordered, i can't believe the amount of haters out there
, they would obviously rather wring hands at modric to ? stories or buy into the itk nonsense....
keep on keepin on coys
Forgot to mention, when I was in his house I swapped the N and M keys on his laptop keyboard.
Spooky , that will provide some funny stuff while he is chatting with Arbramovich
A:Sell me Modric
DL: Mo !
A: Mo , what do you mean , more ?
DL : MO!
A: but i already bid 75 million, be reasonable this once, sell me Modric
DL : i already said , i wamt Mo
A: you're busting my balls here Danny boy, 100 million it is
DL : deal ...
I don't care what anyone says, that was fucking brilliant! You have got a brilliant sense of humour.
Belgian spur...... I just pissed myself because of that and Spooky brilliant as ever, this is the best spurs blog. Release a book.