A collection of DML letters and rants dating back to pre-blog days: 2004, 2005 and 2006.

The caps lock styled over the top ranting from 2004 came about thanks to the various knee-jerking taking place in forums relating to Spurs in pre-season. They appeared on rumourwhores.com before gradually evolving into short letters that would routinely appear on the Spurscentric Glory Glory message board.

From 2006

26/Aug/2006

Dear Mr Levy,

We are still in the month of August, and yet you appear to delivery Christmas to me on a silver plate. Please feel free to try a little harder. Surely I shouldn’t be complaining about lack of ambition and drive till the actual month of December. Surely burning my season ticket shouldn’t be an option till we fail at the very last hurdle like we always do.

Three games played. One win and two defeats. And with games against Manchester United and Liverpool on the way, we could be facing the humiliation of a bottom three placement. Yes, relegation form. What wonderful consistency and progression. Maybe if you get Martin Jol to mention our unbeaten pre-season friendly record in his next interview people will forget how utterly shite we have been thus far in our Premiership outings. Though Martin should probably concentrate on his work as manager than talk to the camera. He is currently proving to be as tactically inept and one dimensional as you are as chairman of this club.

I won’t talk about the Bolton defeat. Basically because I don’t want to end up writing the sequel to War and Peace. Yes sure, we looked majestic against Sheffield United. That’s Sheffield United. Majestic against Sheffield United. No matter how many times I say it, it doesn’t make it anymore impressive does it? I don’t think there’s any positives in discussing that game either.

I want to concentrate on the home game against Everton. The team who haven’t won at The Lane since the mid-80’s. Fortress Lane, the home of the Spurs, where only Chelsea and Man Utd are permitted to take all three points. And what do we do? We give a performance of gutless and backwards play, resulting in the ten men of Everton taking all three points and making it look like a walk in the park.

I don’t quite understand where this performance came from. Maybe Chirpy invited all his family, and in a moment of comic genius, they all dressed up as Spurs players and ran onto the pitch. Next thing you know, they decide to stay out there and give this football lark a go. Whilst the actually players get dressed and leave to go out and do whatever it is that people who have about £40,000 drop into their account at the end of each week do. Play Pro-Evo apparently.

Let me attempt to be pragmatic here. Much like the other night when I got stranded on your roof. There I was, with a paint bucket in one hand and a brush in the other trying to finish off my pièce de résistance worrying about whether my plan should now change as I had lost my only route of escape. The ladder had fallen back and there was no safe way down.

I could have panicked. In fact I could have scrapped the paint job and tried to slide down the side of your mansion on that woefully dirty drainpipe. But no. I was there to make a statement, and damn it, a statement is what I intended to make. While you danced away in your study listening to Topol, I was on your roof fiddling away with a brush. Passing traffic and police helicopters would have seen my masterpiece. And word of mouth would have made you look the fool when they told people what I had painted.

'I'D RATHER HAVE A COCK OR A DICK THAN JOL'

As for your rose hedge. I know it took some hefty damage, but you’ll be happy to know it hurt me more than it hurt the hedge.

But unlike me, the players were unable to take control of the situation. They were unable to give their blood and guts to the cause.

They were not fighters. They were not warriors. They had no passion. They had no drive. Desire. They had nothing. They simply failed to raise their game, the tempo and the pace of the match. They failed to adapt and take control.

I won’t dwell or review on each player’s performance. For the sake of it, I’ll just randomly choose two players. Christ, I miss Carrick. I’m sure with The Conductor in the team, we would not have struggled against ten men. Oh, and by the way. How on earth did Everton look to have so much room and space to play the ball and move forward, and we looked utterly bewildered and lost with the extra man? Our players looked like they were all coming down from a ketamine high. Anyways…

Robbie Keane. Wonderful player. But is there any need to showboat three minutes into a game? Flicks and fancy-dan leg work is fine when you are two or three up. But at any other time, it’s wasteful. And tell me, has he now got a clause that prevents him from scoring tap-in’s? Tell you what, he’s pretty good with those Pringle cans. Maybe you can give Pringles to all the ball boys and girls and we can attempt a cheeky swap when the football goes out of play.

Jermaine Jenas. Jermaine Jenius. The Genius. JJ. The Jezza. What does he do exactly? I don’t know. Maybe you do, but I don’t. Maybe you can ask Martin, but as I know you will read this letter and not reply to it, I’ll try and work this conundrum out for myself.

I don’t know what Jenas can do, other than fluke a goal from midfield every few games. However, I know what he can’t do:

He can’t trap a simple ball.
He can’t control a simple ball.
He can’t tackle and take the ball.
He can’t seem to run forward with the ball.
He can’t shoot on target.
He can’t play a one-two.
He struggles to understand the concept that he is a professional footballer whose job it is to look (or at least pretend) like he knows what he’s doing.

He’s a confidence player, I hear you cry. Well okay. He is a confidence player. And, what is a confidence player exactly? Because if you are suggesting, like many of your minions do, that Jenas needs to have the crowd behind him in order to do the simple things, then you do understand that this is a catch 22 situation. Because until he masters the art of taking the ball under his control, looking up, and neatly playing said ball – the crowd will struggle to sing his name.

Jenas can’t be selected simply on the basis that ‘he might be good’. He can’t be selected because ‘he might score’.

Knee-jerk! Knee-jerk, I hear you cry! Well, I actually do agree with that. Because all his knees seem to do is jerk. They jerk all over the place. Maybe swimming around in that goldfish for all those years has given him arthritis.

And yet he plays, and a World Cup/World Class player like Zokora is on the bench. How is it that Spurs always manage to demote their best players to sitting on the bench? I’m beginning to wonder if some of the lads who are in the first team week in and week out without question may have incriminating photographic evidence of you. Like you at that hotel with the bung.

You think I didn’t know about that, did you? Levy and bung in the same sentence. What a disgrace. I’ve seen the photo too. You, and there’s no doubt its you, with your hands all over the bung, gleaming with delight. And I’m certain it isn’t photoshopped either. Though I couldn’t work out one thing about the photograph. Was it Zippy or George in the gimp outfit? I mean, it’s not important for me to know, but I’m a little curious. I grew up watching that programme and I need closure.

Anyway, forget about that. I’m getting sidetracked and that doesn’t happen often. And the court injunction permits me or anyone else for that matter from discussing it in any great detail. You got away with destroying the memory of my favourite childhood tv program and now you are doing the same thing to my beloved football club.

But take note of the final 15 minutes of today’s game. Yes, that wasn’t fickle football fans leaving early. And it wasn’t fickle football fans booing the team and having to listen to chants of ‘Your support is f**king shit’ being thrown back in their faces. They were people who, like me, are sick of you injecting smack into our veins. You have turned us into crackwhores. We know its bad for us, but yet we still come back for more. Knowing that it won’t end well. But we crave that next fix. And like the greedy dealer, you get rich off our misery. And when we die, there’s 20,000 other mugs waiting inline.

So, that’s my weekend done and dusted. Ruined. Turned to pish. While I watch a DVD and order a pizza and look forward to my community service early Monday morning - you on the other hand will pull out a shoebox or two from under your pink waterbed, and send all fourteen million notes up to Teesside.

And in a flash, everything will be set right. Oh the glory.

Yours hoping to get my Tottenham back,

Spooky

-----------------------------

5 August 2006

Dear Mr Levy,

Here we are once again. A brand new season upon us, which follows another summer of mediocrity. I am more staggered with disbelief and contempt for you than ever before. I hate to imagine what will happen once the season kicks-off.

Firstly, as I am a man with principles and honour, I’d like to apologise for the water balloon attack. It was meant for you and you alone. Is the old dear okay? I know pensioners tend to get hypothermia quite easily. I’ll use custard next time. Ironically, I do hold you partly responsible because if season tickets were not so expensive I could afford a decent pair of night-vision goggles.

The summer has been hot and my hopes and dreams for Tottenham Hotspur have long since melted away with many a child’s lollypop. And as I stand on the corner of the street waiting for you to drive along in an ice cream van, you instead pull up selling bagels and smoked trout.

Mr Levy. With each season I pray that God will reach down and touch your soul, but it seems your pact with the devil is as strong as ever.

All we want is ice cream in a cone with a flake. Instead, you shower us with crusty bread. Fact is, Mr Levy, is that you don’t care what the people want.

This is my report on your performance this pre-season.

Firstly. Duff.

Now. This, without doubt, shattered me. I find it quite incredible that you allowed this transfer saga to run riot across the world wide web and the tabloid press. It’s embarrassing. Humiliating. To nearly sign Duff and end looking like a bunch of cheap skates whilst Newcastle United capture his signature. Lack of ambition bleeds from the very heart of White Hart Lane. And the blood is gribiche horseradish flavored.

Now, I’m going to ignore the fact that ‘officially’ the Stamford Bridge club may have rejected a bid for Duff from us or that Duff wanted a decent wage packet for his services and that we refused. What concerns me is that you are incapable as a chairman to hold down confidential and private information concerning club transfers.

The policy should be that when I receive my Spurs Mobile text message and see the information on the Spurs homepage, that this is the oracle of fact concerning any imminent transfer deals.

What I find incomprehensible is that weeks before any thing official is stated and usually days before the media get hold of it, I am reading about Duff on Spurs forums on the Internet.

This is the year 2006! We have the technology to stop things like this from happening.

Do you know that you have people working for you that are passing on information to friends who in turn are then telling other contacts who post the information online? Exactly what kind of measures are you taking in keeping delicate information under wraps? Well?

Let me give you some advice on the matter.

1) Do not discuss possible transfer targets while you’re leaning up against a urinal or taking a dump, or speaking from one cubicle whilst Damien sits comfortable taking notes on another.

2) Whilst in a cubicle, scribbling ‘DUFF 4 SPURS – L3VY’ on the wall is a big no-no.

3) Patting the cleaning lady on the bum, giving her a wink and saying ‘Something big is about to happen, and I’m not talking about my pants’ is also best avoided.

4) Do not leave your laptop lying around so that people can see the team you have built in Football Manager 2006.

5) Suspend Damien Comolli for fraternising with the public and speaking to young boys.

6) If you are having discussions about signing a player with the directors of another club, for example a Spanish club, try not to text your mates saying ‘ITS IN THE BAG’ when it clearly isn’t.

7) Spend more time speaking in that funny code language when discussing transfer targets, as nobody can understand a word of it when the information is posted on forums.

8) Take Martin Jol aside and have words in his ear about socialising with fans and hinting at whom he likes and whom he dislikes. Nip this in the bud NOW, before we end up having speed-dating events with the staff and fans at the Lodge.

9) Cut down all neighboring trees in the local vicinity of the training ground.

10) Yourself, Damien and Martin and possibly high-level directors should be the only people in the know concerning club transfers. If the information is leaked, then it’s obvious who is leaking it. Use this to your advantage by giving duff information out to the lesser beings that work there, as to deflect away from the truth.


You see, I am a purist. It makes no difference if I know something 10 days before it happens. The fact is, if it happens, it happens. You cannot change it. If it doesn’t happen, then you feel that you had something that was taken away from you, even though the reality of it is that you never had it in the first place.

I know that you will ignore my advice; because the true reality is that all this is part of your war against the fans. You want to make us all look like fools with your cyber-propaganda.

Fact is, with Duff, you didn’t have the ambition to pay him what he is quite obviously worth. Newcastle want to achieve great things, and they don’t allow something as shallow as money to get in their way.

Moving swiftly on. Michael Carrick.

This, for me, epitomises what is wrong with our great club. The very fabric of Tottenham has been ripped from the club and used to string us all up by our necks.

Martin Jol has built the team around Carrick. Everything goes through Carrick. He was our conductor. More passes and through-balls than anyone else. And yet, as simple as 1-2-3, you sell him to Manchester United guaranteeing that we will not finish in the top 4 next season. This, in-effect, will lead to Defoe, Lennon, King and Robbie Keane all handing in transfer requests. Jol will then look to Ajax as a quick getaway, citing that he always wanted to manage them.

Obviously, you want this to happen because you didn’t do a thing to stop it. Sure, you offered him a new contract and stuff. Well whoop-dee-fucking-do. This all could have been avoided by NOT SIGNING CARRICK in the first place. He used us as a stepping-stone and you were quite happy to oblige.

Tottenham Hotspur are now nothing more than a selling club. You may as well colour us claret and blue and call us shit.

And talking of shit.

The 3rd Puma kit. This for me is the Mount Everest of cock-ups. I see what you have done here Mr Levy. And if this doesn’t serve up as blatant evidence that you think everything is a joke, I don’t know what does.

You have taken it upon yourself to commemorate our end of season away day defeat at Upton Park by asking Puma to produce a brown coloured shirt. How apt. All that is missing is the change of sponsorship to Imodium and having Jenas making lots of runs from the midfield.

Now, we all know that’s not going to happen. Jenas is rubbish.

Making things worse is that I would have preferred Imodium to Mansion. What’s your obsession with red sponsorships? What next? Red sleeves? Red shorts? Never red my arse.

You know what, thinking about it maybe I have this wrong. Maybe you have other reasons behind the choice of colour for the away kit. Brownshirts marching across Europe. I think that’s enough to prove how much of a fascist you are.

You have spent more time this summer spending money on players than thinking about the shirts. Which should, theoretically, be a good thing.

Berbatov. Zakora. A couple of French blokes nobody has ever heard of, but must be good cause there French. And no left-winger. And possibly Chimbonda.

Excellent. Let’s spend over £10M on Andy Garcia cause he scored loads of tap-ins in Germany. But he must be worth all the money cause he looks all moody in pictures. We’ve just got ourselves a good-looking tall Bulgarian version of Rebrov.

As for Zokoria, what does he do exactly? I’ll tell you what he doesn’t do. He doesn’t score goals. Losing Carrick, you would hope to bring in a free-scoring attacking midfielder. But no, we bring in Zackora a player who Man Utd and Arsenal both rejected. Therefore deeming him good enough for us. Let’s keep on signing second-rate players whilst we sell world-class players to rival teams.

Duff. Carrick. The brown shirt. New signings. It’s been busy hasn’t it? And yet why do I wish it was the start of the summer instead of almost the end of it?

Even the contrived pre-season fixtures against weak opposition to give everyone the illusion that your stormtroopers are unbeatable is at best laughable.

I have my season ticket. I also got that members package you sent me. After a controlled explosion, I found a key ring and a scarf inside it. I’m uncertain at this time whether the key ring is bugged, but one thing is certain. It’s the first key ring I’ve seen that’s designed to lose keys.

The season ticket however is quite handsome. I already look forward to toasting marshmallows on it.

I’ll think I’ll end this letter here and I look forward to your reply.


HAHAHAHAHA, yeah right. Like you ever acknowledge us true supporters.


Regards,

Spooky, block 34

-----------------------------

Dear In the Know and Club Insiders,

My name is Spooky. You may know me from such titles as ‘Dear Mr Emperor Levy’ and ‘Dear Chelsea’.

I am a season ticket holder in Paul Robinson’s very own ‘The Park Lane End’. South stand. I’m very much a mis-understood character. I prefer to be known more as a maverick soul rather than ‘that miserable git’.

I’m a thinker. A revolutionary. Very much infamous in the little corner of the world wide web reserved for us Tottenham fans. I’d prefer legend, but that’s a little bit over-used nowadays.

God?

Hoddle has the rights to that, so for the time being, Spooks will do me just fine.

This evening I am upset. Very very upset.

Now, placing aside the restraining order and that rather unsavoury incident with the bagel shaped dildo, the Alan Sugar effigy, Daniel Levy’s car exhaust and the two female policewomen, I am not a troubled young man. I simply love my club and do my best to unite supporters against the boards continuing reluctance in helping with the progression of the team. This can sometimes lead to…situations. Raging against the machine is dirty work and I don’t mind doing it. Nobody else will. Which brings me onto the fans.

Unfortunately the vast majority of Tottenham fans are deluded and believe all the propaganda that Levy and Damien ‘Spin Doctor’ Comolli spurt out of The Lodge. It’s my job to un-wash their brains of the Mk-Ultra style operation that Levy is commander-and-chief of.

I suggest you read my previous correspondence to the chairman if you are curious to what my battle strategy and viewpoints are relating to the club and the management.

Fact is, here I am on today of all days, and I have no intention (as originally planned) of throwing frozen shit at Daniel and his family as they carry their shopping through the Tesco’s car park. Apparently this isn’t something that’s sanctioned legal by the government, but have you ever seen signs forbidding such behaviour? Anyway.

Today, the blame doesn’t fall on Daniels lap. The blame is elsewhere. It’s within our very own ranks. It’s running through our veins. But there’s a blood clot. And I’m the doctor that’s gonna go all out NHS on it’s venous ass and rip that infected limb off and feed it to the rats.

ITK’s and Club Insiders. You, you are the blood clot.

I have suffered many humiliations in my years on Gods green earth. Most as a teenager. My first ejaculation into a woman’s mouth at the back of the bike shed at school springs to mind as a perfect and fitting example.

Fit girl she was. Great pair of tits. Missing biology for some true hands-on fieldwork was far more educational. She hardly ever wore knickers either, the tease. By the time she unzipped me and placed my ruler in her mouth, it took a grand 5 seconds for me to shed many tears of man-love over her lips.

Taking into consideration that her oral examination of my good self was only meant to be an appetiser, the humiliation steems from the fact that she spat, wiped her mouth and gave me a wink advising me to:

‘Picture Tottenham’s starting line-up next time. You might last longer’

It didn’t bother her that she failed to deliver (we should have skipped the appetiser).

And what has this little anecdote have to do with anything? Allow me to enlighten you.

She had something I wanted. Badly. She promised it.

She flirted and teased me with it, never showing it all, but letting me know it was there and letting me know it could be mine.

She kept me hanging onto her every word. ‘It’s our little secret’, she would seductively tease.

And as I remained hypnotised on her every word and whisper, I unconditionally gave myself to her. No questions asked.

I was smitten. And there was no doubt that I was going to get some. At least, that’s the signals she was sending out.

But instead of getting what was teased, what was promised, I shot my load too early and didn’t get to stick anything in her warm pie.

She leaves the bike shed with an untainted whore status. I on the other hand, dick still hanging out of trousers, have this overwhelmingly horrible feeling of rejection and emptiness. Is she to blame? Or did my over-excitement set me up for the fall?

Maybe I was never meant to shag her? Maybe a blowjob was the only thing I was ever meant to get? Maybe she didn’t know what she was planning on giving me. Maybe she teased and moved just enough to allow for the mask of mystery to hid her true intentions. Maybe she knew all along I would spurt on touch. Maybe I just made assumptions and mis-read something that’s usually pretty impossible to read anyway.

We all know how difficult women can be, right? They always seem to talk in code.

You know, like they would say one thing, which doesn’t make any sense at all and means something altogether different and we men are meant to understand and work out what it is. It’s like cracking the Da Vinci code. And then when you’ve worked it out, it no longer matters because she’s changed her mind or said she was wrong to say it in the first place.

And yet, as she skipped away to her mates, giggling and fluttering her eye lashes, she turned round and gave me one of those seductive looks that caught my attention the first time round.

‘Same time next week?’

How could I say no? I mean, sure, she’s a slut. Sure, she has this undeserved power over how I behave. And even though she leads me on, I find myself wanting more. Just in case I get the grand prize out of it.

But hold on.

Maybe it isn’t her that’s the problem. Maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m taking our bikeshed frolics a little bit too seriously. I mean it’s just a bit of fun isn’t it? She might whisper in my ear that she wants to give Willy a ticket to the chocolate factory, but that doesn’t mean its actually going to happen.

In fact, to her, it may be nothing more than what it is. A tease. A suggestion. Something that may happen because we find ourselves in a situation where it could happen, leaving the anticipation to be the real highlight.

But then, with others, she has got them round to the bike shed and promised them something quite specific. This one bloke, he was told she’d let him French kiss her lips and then French kiss her other lips. It never happened. They shared a packet of Monster Munch and chatted about Charlene and Scott’s wedding.

He went mental afterwards. Called her frigid. He told everyone during lunch break that she was a virgin. Big mistake. He got beaten up by her mates for slagging her off and was duly banned from going anywhere near the bike shed.

Sure, most of the time I’m left disappointed. Disappointed that her promise didn’t ring true or that what she told me I’d get wasn’t exactly what I got. Gutted that kids from other schools would turn up outside the school gates or even venture into the playground to take the piss. Even some of the kids from the same school took the piss.

She wasn’t the only slut. There were a few. Some better looking than others. Some liked to do their business behind the bike shed. Others were more accustomed up a tree. Sometimes one would offer a blowjob but all you got was a handjob instead. Wasn’t a blowjob, but it was close enough.

These birds had it and flaunted it and used it. There was still a fair share of mingers to go around. Ugly birds who would make extravagant claims that they had two clits or could deep throat, when in truth the ‘second clit’ was a tampon and their version of deep throat was gagging on a saveloy from the local fish’n’ship shop.

This lot had no respect from anyone. Proper munters, who were full of shit.

But everyone served a purpose and to be honest, if you were someone who didn’t want a handjob from one of the birds or didn’t want your balls tickled, then there was nothing stopping you from going off to the other side of the playground and kicking a football about.

Still, for every bloke who went off to play football, there were two or three that hanged around the bike shed making sure the girls didn’t come to no harm. Defending them with honour, like they were Queens or royalty or something. You half expect medals to be handed out.

As for the humiliation I referred to at the start, I had fun right? Regardless of the outcome. Not really humiliation is it. I think I was wrong to use that word.

Maybe this anecdote wasn’t the perfect and fitting example to talk about whatever it was I was meant to get across in this letter. What was the point of this letter?

Oh yeah, blood clots.

You know what. I wanted to say something about Internet message forums and people who claim to be ITK (In The Know) and have contacts within the club and inside information on transfers and stuff. I sort of got sidetracked with those old skool memories.

As I think about it a bit more, I don’t really see the point in slagging you people off. I mean, at the end of the day, to use a metaphor, if the school had no whores or sluts, we would only go home and wank off.

Screw this letter. Nothing much has happened today. Zidane got a 3-match ban, even though he has retired from football and Damien Duff joined Newcastle. That Jayne from Big Brother got evicted. Now that’s a munter.

I’m sure I was meant to be upset about something. And if I'm meant to be upset, then that wanker Levy must have something to do with it. I’ve got some frozen shit-bricks in the fridge that I could put to good use.

I’ll see you all when I make bail.

Regards,

S

-----------------------------

A Memo To Martin Jol

Date: 12/03/06


To: Martin Jol, First team coach of Tottenham Hotspur

From: The Association of Real Spurs Enforcers Neutralising Anarchist Levy

Subject: "Next year, maybe Tottenham fans"


Details:


You dont really know how to take Spurs to the next level. We were given 4th spot, gift-wrapped with a ribbon, and yet you have done your best to give it away. We all expected 4th spot pre-season, and now we are destined to end up without it. At the very least we might sneak into the UEFA Cup, with is the equivalent of the League Cup of Europe.

Stubborn to the bone, you seem obsessed with playing players who look good on paper but do little on the pitch. You dont make substitutions when they are needed and you dont attempt to win games when they are there to be won.

Six Premiership defeats is disgraceful.

We have conceded several goals in the dying moments costing us valuable points. We have also been knocked out of two Cup competitions because of lack of conviction.

Yet, the fact you have no hair appears to be somewhat of a shrewd tactical ploy on your part to keep the fans singing songs in your favour. I hear that you have asked Paul Stalteri to shave his head.

If you struggled with English and had bug-eyes you would be shown the door for incompetence.

And yet you are still here, forcing Defoe out of the club and showing over-the-top loyalty to the likes of Robbie Keane, a one-trick pony from the school of Joe Cole who knows nothing about team-work. The same thing applies to the vastly over-rated Paul Robinson whose strong point appears to be booting the ball down the pitch in true Wimbledon style to our very own John Fashanu, Mido (who complains more than Mary Whitehouse did when she was alive and well).

You play former Juventus star Davids, who if he had the looks of Luke Chadwick, you would have sacked him by now. A man famous for his glasses and dreadlocks and once upon a time being a pretty decent player is now nothing but a blind pitbull with no sense of direction. But he has dreadlocks, I hear you shout! This is quite obviously another ploy that has close ties to the Spurs Shop and merchandising.

Then theres are fullbacks. Paul Stalteri is like some blind demented Sam the Eagle, galloping in the wrong direction unable to do the simple things like trap a football/pass a football/play with a football/ kick a ball down field in the dying moments.

Yet he is undroppable. Undroppable? More like invisible.

The same could be said for Jenas. So what if he is outscoring previous Spurs midfielders from recent years? He doesnt appear to do much else, and if you study video evidence, you will find he is at fault for the recent defeat. In fact, I also blame him for the demise of Nottm Forest, as since they sold him they have gone downhill, struggling to reclaim past glories.

Carrick for England? Glenn Hoddle found God with his pass. Carrick found Wright-Phillips.

Lennon has pace. So does a 100-metre sprint athlete. Big deal. This time next year hell be playing reserve team football, and then hell be loaned out to Stockport.

Danny Murphy has done nothing, nothing in his time at Spurs and is a costly flop.

You got rid of the next big thing, Wayne Routledge.

You also bought a crocked Egyptian who hasnt even played 60 career goals and you have sold Champions League winner Pedro 'two-goals-against-City' Mendes to Pompey.

One balls-up after another. Maybe your parents should have called you Cock, instead of your brother.

I'm staggered to think we should have been 20 points clear off 5th spot, yet your naive tactics and poor motivation has ruined any chance of success. Next season, with Arsenal, Bolton and Rovers improving further, it will make claiming a 4th place in the league nigh impossible.

I expect the summer to be full of transfers.

Defoe to Liverpool.
Carrick to Utd.
Mido back to Roma.
King to Ashburton.

Even though these players are over-rated, its still half a team you are going to lose and I'm sure you will waste the money on signing more players who are not good enough.

All because you cant work out how to win games that we are supposed to win. You are technically as bad as our previous managers.

We never attack with pace. We never have shots on goal. And we dont seem to be capable of killing games off with some time-wasting (ball in corner and subs in last minute).

All this says one thing to me: You dont have a clue.

We have no winners in the team. No one who has that never-say-die mentality or that self-belief in themselves and in 4th place.

Compare this to previous years.

With so many England internationals in the side, we should be 3rd at the very least, and yet you are driving us towards the bottom half of the mid-table.

I firmly believe this team could match, for 90 minutes, the Brazil side of the 70s, and because of modern day fitness, we could probably beat them (though it would take extra-time to do so).

But with you in charge, Im positive that would not happen. Instead, in the 91st minute, Pele claims the ball from Stalteri, who doesnt clear it out and he slides the ball to Jairzinho, who dummies, and allows the incoming Carlos Alberto to flick the ball up in the air and header it to Rivelino who jinxs between King and Dawson before passing the ball to Pele who has taken a position at the far corner. Pele, controls the ball with his chest, allowing it to drop down to his left foot. He moves the ball to his right foot, nutmegs Robinson three times before stopping the ball dead on the goal line. Felix is there to knock the ball in with a deft touch with his chin.

Everyone is gutted. Except for Dawson who is smiling.

Another last minute defeat for Tottenham. A defeat that I simply cannot forgive you for.

You have been at the club for a couple of seasons and I see no progress. We are not impatient and over-demanding and we are not fickle. Its a fact that your job is a comfortable one and you should be able to please us with relative ease. And yet you cant even qualify us for the Champions League.

You allow the likes for Jose, Arsene and Alex to overshadow you. Compare what they have achieved to what you have and this is further proof of your incompetence.

Congratulations Martin. There use to be a football club here.

But maybe I mis-understand you. Maybe the truth is deep down, aiming for success is better than the actual success itself. And your masterplan is to keep us in a perpetual transitional period.

Because, lets face it, winning too much will lead us to being spoilt. And thus, Champs League would be a disaster for the club.

It would lead to extra revenue, world class players signing, 45000 ground capacity and thus the arrival of fairweather/glory hunting fans. The Park Lane end will be full of sit-down prawn sandwich eaters and people who dont know who Bill Nicholson is. John Obi Mikel will want to sign for us. Huge sponsorship. Our own tv channel (Sky Sports). Lack of atmosphere will follow and with silverware after silverware, the club will degenerate into a laughing stock.

So, in conclusion, either way, we end up unhappy.

Its akin to killing someone, using voodoo to bring them back to life, and then burying them alive.

No matter what, our hopes and dreams live in a bodybag being carried by you. Martin Jol, the Grim Reaper of the Lane.

I wish I was born in Woolwich.

-----------------------------

Dear Emperor Levy,

Rome, apparently, wasnt built in day and from the looks of it you havent even bothered to lay down the foundations at WHL. Instead, you have removed your robes and defecated over every man, woman and child bearing the sign of the cockerel. Im actually shaking as I type this letter. I am so angry and frustrated and staggered and quite simply disgusted with the ease you find in creating new levels of embarrassment, dragging the name of Tottenham Hotspur through the mud of dishonour.

I am ashamed to be alive today.

I would request you place aside that Cuban cigar and that ten-year-old malt you are drinking whilst your secretary reads this letter out to you, and pay close attention to what I have to say. Because I have a lot to say, which is quite unusual for me. So, lets start.

As always, I speak for the people. I speak for the Park Lane End, including the ones who wear Burberry. I speak for the Paxton, cause lets face it, they aint gonna speak up for themselves. I speak for the Shelf Side and the ball boys. I speak for the okay looking female steward that works on block 34 in the South Stand Lower. I speak for the Spurs away support and I speak for Gary O'Reilly (who probably walked out as the pre-match interviewer because you didnt pay him enough for his mic skills).

I speak. For all Spurs fans.

And I speak with rage and passion directed with vengeance at the West Stand Bourgeois. You all make me sick. Leaving twenty minutes from the end of home games to make sure you avoid the traffic, driving out of the Tottenham area in your Jags and Mercs to your mansions. Do you and your directors even clap when we score a goal? I suggest you spend an afternoon STANDING next to me. You might learn something about what it means to be a Spurs fan, because, Daniel, you know jack. At least Scholar had the foresight to invest money and invest it well. You can't even build us a tube station.

Granted, you appear to be a contradiction. A paradox. Many of my White Hart Lane brethren are confused and gullible. They are susceptible to your illusions.

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist.

You are not fooling me. Not today, not tomorrow and not on Sabbath.

I see the real you. The real Daniel Levy. You are akin to Angel/Angelus from the popular Joss Whedon syndicated Buffy spin-off Angel.

One minute, fighting the good fight as Angel, helping the helpless as you strive to save the day.

(Metaphor translation: You buy young British players to fight the evil across North London)

The next, you have a moment of complete happiness, lose your soul and turn into Angelus, then attempt to rape and pillage your way through everyone around you.

(Metaphor translation: You take the money from season ticket sales and spunk it on booze and women, whilst making woeful decisions to undermine what good you have managed to fluke).

But be warned Levy. Angel was canned. Buffy only lasted seven years and Firefly didn't even make it till the end of its first season.

You are on thin ice.

Lets move onto my grievances.


The new badge

Dear god, where do I even begin with this comical monstrosity? It looks like a barreled chested chicken sitting on a beachball pumped with steroids. Its a disgrace. And apparently there will be no Tottenham Hotspur sitting under the badge when it appears on our kit next season. HOW IS ANYONE GOING TO KNOW WHO WE ARE? Maybe its only endearing feature will be that the badge on the kit will be Braille, so that Rob Styles knows whom to send off.

Why stick a chicken on a beachball? Why not get rid of the ball altogether? Better still just replace the chicken with a box of chicken. In fact, replace it with the words KFC and it can double up as our sponsor. Then, the kit would only appear to have a badge and no sponsor. We would be like Barcelona, except playing in the white colour of Madrid, who lets face it are not very good in comparison, and thus perfectly fitting the ethos you lead your life with.

You are systematically dismantling our history and heritage. What next? Bankrupt us and move us to south London?


Andrew Bartholomew Reid

Allegedly, we are willing to listen for offers for him. Tell me, did we listen for offers for Gascogine just after we signed him? He was fat. Wayne Rooney is fat. Are Man Utd set to sell him? Its discrimination of the highest order, and further proof of the diet-obsessed society we now live in, forcing people to strive towards heroin chic in order to fit in. Tell me, do you and the coaching staff at the club feel proud that you are singling out the only fat player at the club and not selecting him for first team football? Fat people should have the chance to interact and be part of something other than webcam chats with East European cam girls.

Andrew is a quality left-sided midfielder who has never been given a chance to shine. Maybe if he played more games he would lose weight and fit in with your fattist regime.


Martin Jol

I like Martin. So does everyone else, rival fans and media too. Although tactically naive (we havent played good football this season akin to the Kanoute inspired 5 goal thrillers of last season) I think he might succeed. Probably at Ajax when he moves on.

Martin however needs to learn that this isnt Amsterdam. We are not all free of mind and spirit, walking the narrow streets peaking into kamers looking for fifteen minutes of glory.

We expect 90 minutes of glory here, preferably every Saturday. Instead, he allows an assortment of characters to penetrate the Lodge and undermine his management of the team and transfers causing havoc with our pre-match training schedule for Saturdays game.

I read on a internet message board that he freely discussed transfer targets with a fan, pointing at a notepad (with players names written on it), stating clues as to who we were interested in and who we were not interested in.

Tell me, does he think this is Football Manager 2006? Because at the moment, he appears to be playing without the 6.0.2 patch.

He cant freely discuss such matters with any old riff-raff who stalk the players at the training ground.

In fact, I'm quite disturbed. Maybe the cake the fans presented Martin with was spiked with a hallucinogen of some kind.

Worst still is that Martin shared a moment with one chap, reciting poetry in Dutch.

If the News of the World gets hold of the full story there, I reckon it will be the last we hear of the Sven story for a while. And it will be David Pleat and the Seven Sisters all over again.


Theo Walcott

This one makes me gag and puke from the utter rejection I feel for missing out on a player, who know doubt is the best young talent in world football. Have you not seen the video of that chip? That goal when he chips it in? Havent you seen the chip? He chips it. Sky Sports News play that one clip all the time. Over and over and over again. Its the chip. The goal where he chips it over the keeper and into the goal. The kid has got chipability. He chips the ball in against some team, and scores.

And yet, this wasnt enough for you, was it? You obviously dont like chips and prefer the bagels of the West Stand.

Because of your footballing ignorance, you have missed out on a prodigy genius who is already well on his way to being a great. He is the Henry we never had, and now Arsenal has twice the va-va-voom. Making it even more confusing for Bobby.

Others might not see it, but I do. We could have weighed in a bid for Walcott during the last transfer window, but instead you bid and purchased Grzegorz Rasiak. You spent the Walcott Transfer Fund on Rasiak. Tell me, Mr Levy, are you a man of comedy? Because my sides are splitting.

You claim our policy is to buy young British players and build a backbone to help us progress. Yet, the one player who could have made the difference, helping us in our current plight, has been lost to our enemy. They have a history of developing and grooming the young, nursing them to adulthood with their ball playing.

You have made them stronger and us weaker. And dont go quoting Jol on Lennon. Lennon didnt cost £5M (rising to £12M). So he is obviously not as good as Walcott.


Mendes, Davis, Pamarot

Frank Anersen was so good at his job, Chelsea snatched him from us. Yet, you sell the nucleus of last seasons team to Portsmouth making one of our rivals even stronger. Davids is old, Davis is young and has his whole career ahead of him, yet you sanctioned his transfer. Tell, me, if Sean Davis was black, short and had dreadlocks and cool trendy sunglasses would you have transfer listed him then? What is it that you strive for, Mr Levy? Purchasing good footballers who can do a job, or purchasing footballers who are good for merchandising?

Mendes won the Champions League for FC Porto.

Pamarot is French.

And yet, both not deemed good enough. I bet your fantasy football team has hardly any points.


I could go on and on and on, because you and MJ have given me an abundance of worries and concerns.

I could mention the FA Cup 3rd Round defeat but I wont (Leicester 3 Spurs 2) or I could point out how we signed Mido on loan from Roma, knowing full well he is Egyptian and will go missing for a good month, much like a certain Mali striker did. Or how Jol is only playing Robbie Keane so that he doesnt sign for a bigger club like Everton, dropping him for Defoe come February.

Its transparent.

4th in the Premiership? Am I supposed to ignore the fact that we are 23 points off the relegation zone? We havent managed to net 5 goals at home in a single home match yet. Compare it to last season. Its a joke.

Bringing back Reto screams of desperation. Its certifiable that you dont know what youre doing in the transfer market. Which brings me onto my last grievance.


The January Transfer Window


'Sorry Miss, my dog ate my homework'
'Im late because my alarm didn't go off this morning'
'This has never happened before, I usually last longer'
'He didnt sign for us because we couldnt guarantee him first team football'

First Danny Murphy and now Wayne Bridge. What are you playing at? You and Martin have a lot to answer for on this one.

Heres a player of genuine quality, yet he took one look at the set-up at the Lane and knew Fulham would be able to offer him so much more. For a start, they dont have Tottenham High Road. Bridge knew he would be out of place with all the players we have. He wouldnt be able to fit in and be part of a team. Fulham have a far more comfortable set-up, allowing Bridge to express himself more. Fact is, we are simply not an attractive proposition for any player who wants to better himself and become part of something big.

I dont blame him.

But I blame you. And that Damien Corleone, our alleged director of football. Allow me to quote him:

'We have always said this would be a quiet window for us. The best players are not available in January. Martin and I are quite clear that we will always keep looking, but that we will only bring in quality players that will improve our squad'

This man is amazing. In fact, I liken him to David Copperfield. Damien might not be able to make things disappear, but he is brilliant at keeping things from appearing. He is like the anti-magician.

His quote is a fancy way of saying, Kuyt wont sign for us now, but well try again in the summer when the World Cup starts and he is on parade for the world to see along with every other possible transfer target.

Mr Levy, I just cant take this form of abuse you are mentally castrating us with. I have decided, in protest, to burn my season ticket at the Park Lane End, at half-time this Saturday when we play host to Aston Villa.

I know that this act will inspire many to follow me in making a bonfire of the vanities. Take a moment to gaze over to the South Stand where us peasants stand. The man with tears in his eyes, throwing voucher open voucher onto the fire is a man whose very essence has been destroyed by your greed.

Your arrogance has destroyed hope in N17. You have even laid rest the Latin, so that you can attract fair-weather fans that only read and write basic English, cashing in on cheap merchandise.

Please, I beg you, tender your resignation. Leave the club now and take the manager with you, and we might just recover from the long ball game the team are playing.

Yours graciously,

Spooky

From 2005

Dear Mr Levy,

Cant say I am shocked or surprised that we have finally been found out. The defeat at WBA says one thing and one thing only. And it screams it out loud to the media and the faithful at the Lane of Dreams. And thats:

We simply are not good enough.

As a chairman, you are not very good, and you have clearly proven this time and time again. I wont linger on the fact that if it wasn't for your negligence in failing to make the surrounding area at White Hart Lane nice and pretty, then Roman Abramovich would never have chosen Chelsea after his helicopter ride.

In Martin Jol, you have someone who can make a nice English cup of tea, but quite obviously cannot motivate the team or in fact talk tactics. He is simply a big jolly man with no hair who is in place, stragically, to force the Park Lane End to sing funny jovial songs about him and thus distracting us from the woeful performances. You are an alchemist, Mr Levy, who has cast a spell over us to make us think everything is fine - hiding the truth from us.

And the truth is, we are simply average at best.

Whats that Mr Levy? Rome wasnt built in a day? So what. We are not re-building Rome are we? We are building a football team. Thats 11 men kicking a ball about, ffs. Its not that difficult a job. And yet, we lose to WBA.

Three defeats in nineteen games you say? Well, I'd prefer to dwell on the fact that we have a manager who cant manage. Take for example, Andrew Reid. A player worth at least £15M, which we got for much less. And the club has managed to push him to the brink of depression. The lad, from the stress bestowed on him, now has an eating disorder.

Mido is another player who is struggling with his appearance, growing his hair and never shaving.

And lets not forget Michael Dawson. A young man, who we got as part of the Reid deal. A player who is forever smiling. Remind you of anyone? Yes, you have invested time and money in someone who is clearly suffering from Ian Walker Syndrome. He is cursed, and its best to get rid before the circus hits the town in our defence.

Robbie Keane already has one leg in Everton, which would explain why he still cant score one-on-ones. He has no balance.

Defoe is clearly one-dimensional and Davids has no friends.

King has yet to sign a contract, which screams 'BOSMAN...TAXI TO ARSENE WENGERS HOUSE PLEASE' and Carrick use to play for West Ham Utd and when he was there, Lampard and Cole 'carried' him through the games.

We have a team of mis-fits who are mis-firing.

The simple fact is, Jol has had plenty of time to build us into a Champions League team. Plenty of time. And yet the fact is, the defeat against WBA proved we are still the team of old.

We have got our Tottenham Back. The Tottenham we love.

The Gerry Francis Tottenham.
The Christian Gross Tottenham.
The Santini Tottenham.

The Martin Jol Tottenham sits at the bottom of this pile. Its a pile. A pile on the anus of hope.

Even the Dutch star of the future laughed off our attempts to sign him and stayed in Holland.

I dont know what more I can say. Oh wait, yes I do:

Grzegorz Rasiak.

You may have not noticed, but if you muddle up the letters from his name, you can make an anagram that spells out:

'Selling Fredi Kanoute was the biggest mistake in the clubs history'

But hey, what does it matter when the only signing you will be making for the club in January is Mr Dom Perignon. He'll be playing upfront, in your throat as you drink down bottle after bottle from money taken from season ticket sells.

4th place does not give me a nosebleed.

I am not fooled, and neither are the supporters.

Half-way through the season, and no evidence of progression. It sickens me. But then, why am I surprised? Its a tradition isn't it?

Promise the world, and deliver nothing. Newcastle at home tomorrow Mr Levy. Look out for the 'fan' in the Park Lane End with the banner that
reads:

"I DONT LIKE YOU MR LEVY"

Well thats it. Thats all I have to say. Do me the good fortune of answering this time. And another thing, its not illegal to walk a dog in your street at 2am in the morning, so theres no need to call the police every time I do it.

Its a free bloody country.

Regards,

S

-----------------------------

Dear Mr Levy,

Lets see now. 9 points? Sounds familar. Let me remind you. We had the same amount of points at the same point this time last season. Guess what happened next? We lost 6 on the trot. You know what needs to be done. Sack Martin Jol NOW and avoid this club being dragged into the gutter again. Admit your mistake and save us from another season of complete despair.

At the end of the day, we need to be up there - neck and neck with Chelsea. Why? Because we demand it. Sod progression and patience. I dont care if Jenas and Carrick have only had two games together. I dont care if we practically have a new set of players in the squad. I expect Champs League and I expect it because I demand it. How dare you let West Ham United sit above us in the league. This must mean that they are years ahead of us in development. Christ knows how we plan to catch up to Charlton. I can see why Luke Young left us for them now. I should have left Spurs for the Valley too. Cheaper season tickets there.

I think everyone has got carried away with the euphoria of Martin Jol. I blame that song the Park Lane sing. Put a few words to a tune, and people get blindsided.

Lets take the Villa game. 90 minutes of football. But this is good enough for me to lay claim on the fact that the likes of Jenas and Lee are just not good enough. Jenas should be showing world class performances at this stage in his Spurs career. Its a disgrace that he has failed to fit in. And Lee was obviously out of his depth in the Champs League which is the reason he demoted himself to a transfer to Spurs.

Dont get me started on Rasiak. As supporters we should not have to be patient. All this hogwash about him being nervous and adjusting to life in the prem. Rubbish. Him wearing the colours of Spurs allows us our god-given right to slag him off rather than encourage him. To be honest, I dont think Jol has a clue with buying players. Myself...or any other fan could do a better job. The fact that Jol is a manager and we are not doesn't mean a thing.

And that Tainio is a over-rated crock of shit.

Fact is, you are as good as your last game....and to be honest, we are not that good.

Defoe is useless. Missed a pen, and hit a shot against the bar when he should have dinked it. Drop him. He is not good and has no class when it comes to movement. Rather have Harewood. At least he scores hattricks.

Mr levy. Do the right thing. End this nightmare as quickly as possible.

Regards,

S

-----------------------------

Dear Mr Levy,

I am utterly perplexed at the current shambles of a transfer policy we have at the club. Selling Fredi with no backup striker in place is criminal, and offering your resignation would at this point alleviate the distress you have caused. Maybe, as your final act as chairman, you can fine Martin Jol for his incompetence for allowing/sanctioning Fredi's move to La Liga.

I dont quite follow the logic you are leading with currently. You are happy to loan out Ziegler to Hamburg, but you wont transfer list the likes of Carrick, who is not Glenn Hoddle and thus not a player we want at the club. Holding midfielders are not sexy and do not play with their shirt hanging out.

Routledge is obviously injury prone, something your scouts should have picked up on.

I also see we are seconds away from signing another leftback. Superb. Maybe the leftback can play in central midfield as a creative outlet or better still, up front as one of our 4 main strikers.

23,000 people have been sold down the river by purchasing a season ticket. You played your hand well, like a seasoned Jedi. Well the mind tricks dont work on me. You are more Darth Sidous than Ben Kenobi.

Chelsea paid around £24M for Essien - so tell me, Mr Levy....why are we not paying the bargain £10M for Jermiane Jenius? Well? Do you plan to hide your pennies behind your sofa? Saving up for a rainy day?

You have to speculate to accumulate. First rule of business. You must have been smoking behind the bike shed the day that lecture got taught.

And what of Dirk Kuyt? Are we not going to sign Holland's hottest property? Or do you plan to unzip yourself and urinate into our faces by signing Carlton Cole - the Anthony Gardner of Forwards.

No Kuyt, Mr Levy? If that's the case, you can suck my dirk.

You epitomise what's wrong with football chairmen. A self-absorbed egomaniac that is too greedy to part with his money.

Our money.

I wish I supported a real club like Chelsea. At least they have class to go alongside their money. We have Tottenham High Road...they have Kings Road and helicopters.

I PAY YOUR WAGES MATE. IF THE 23,000 SEASON TICKET HOLDERS DONT TURN UP FOR 3 OR 4 HOME GAMES, THEN THE CLUB WILL SUFFER. CAN THE TICKET OFFICE COPE WITH 23,000 REFUND REQUESTS?

I promise you, I can cripple the club. Its time you find the balls to help us score some goals.

Newcastle want £10M for Jenas? Offer £12M so they cant say no. Give them Robbie Keane on top if you like. We have no striker? Then re-mortgage the club, and bid £15M + for Kuyt. We need a creative midfielder? Problem sorted with the Gascoignesque Jenas.

There you go. I just did your job for you, and I'm sitting here in boxer shorts with a coke and some Pringles (cheese and onion).

The last time I gave you advice, I told you to bid in excess of £10M for Andy Reid. You didn't act straight away, and as the months passed - a stressed out Andrew Reid piled on the pounds. We missed out on signing a slim version of the Orish wizard. We got his fat cousin instead.

I'm going to sit down now with mobile in hand, and I expect some text messages from the club announcing the news I have outlined to you.

If not - I will march on WHL and my coup will be devastating for you and the other West Stand bourgeoisie.

Yours Very Serious,

xxx

-----------------------------

Dear Mr Levy,

It's at times like this, I pray for Frankie Anersen. He would not have sanctioned the move for Edgar 'I've only played 50 games in 3 years' Davids.

I see why you did it of course. You sold some shirts. Some rasta wigs. However, this signing is akin to the Toda signing, which brought the odd Japanese fan to the Lane.

Money. That's all you care about. And yet, ironically, you are paying a crock of a player £50K per week. Yes, a crock. Not even fit enough to face Portsmouth.

And yet, left right and centre, we are buying useless midfield players.

I'm so angry about this. You bought Routledge, statistically last season, the worst outfield player in the Prem. You bought Lennon, who I 'imagine' is going to take you on a magical mystery tour.....to the Coca-Cola league!

I'm sick of it, tbh.

Signing Davids is worst than NEARLY signing Rivaldo or Maradona.

You have purchased a journey man who, in the long term will cost the club hundreds and thousands for basically parading around in flashy sunglasses whilst visiting the Lodge treatment room.

Its time for me to burn my season ticket, and for you to quit the club. Maybe Ken Bates will sell Leeds and buy us. At least with him, he wont go out and buy shit players.

Yours Left on the Shelf,

S

-----------------------------

Dear Chelsea,

Hello. I have CC'ed Daniel Levy into this letter, so that any confusion of timelines can be avoided.

Basically, I feel that one or two things have to be said. Considering that you, as a club, are always in the limelight, I felt one or two words from a unbiased member of the footballing word should help to comfort any worries you have about your image and profile.

There is, without a shadow of a doubt, no doubt that Chelsea FC are the biggest footballing institution in world football. This is because of your rich tapestry of a history, reaching far back, way back to such events as the 1967 FA Cup final. Through the last century, although there was failure in winning silverware every decade from the 1950's onwards - players of today's generation want to join Chelsea because you are a 'big club'. Prestigious. I laugh at people who suggest they want to sign up to you because of the wages they could earn, and the instant fix of success as you attempt to monopolise your way to glory. What do these idiots know?

The fact of the matter is, Chelsea have fought hard to get where they currently are. Any club who can fight off debts of £95M deserves credit. And credit is due at Stamford Bridge. I think its amazing, that you can go from crowds of less than 10,000 a decade and a bit ago - to winning over brand new fans, who are now 100% Chelsea fanatics. Some people would call them 'fair weather' fans or 'glory hunters'. I would call them, true football fans who simply want to be associated with a winning team.

I think its also unfair that some sections of the footballing world and media state that what you guys are doing is 'bad for football' and that you are 'buying glory'. Yes, can you believe that? I don't think this is the case at all. How can it be? You haven't actually bought any super-star signings. Surely this proves something. Spending £24M on Drogba is simply an intent on 'getting your man'. I mean, why spend his value (which is probably £5M) when you can spend £24M? Its simple logic. It's like having a big cock. If you have a big cock, you become a porn star and flash it around. You dont go out with the girl next door, and shag her once per month.

I know some people who even say that the title was won only because of Arsenals inconsistency and Man Utd's demise. But I dont believe that.

And what of all this 'tapping up' business? I believe that if you want to hold talks with players of other clubs in public restaurants - then you should. As the elequont Bobby Brown once sang:

"Its my prerogative, and I can do what I wanna do"

Its not like you are a small club struggling to understand how it is to behave like a great club.

You simply want your cake to eat it. All of it. And why not. Its yours to eat.

Players of other clubs, should show no loyalty - and sign for you because you can afford to outbid anyone - even Real Madrid. Therefore, this instantly makes you better than anyone else. Ever. People who cant see this should wipe the shit away from their eyes.

You are untouchable. Invincible.

That's why Anersen has turned his back on Spurs. Because he has seen that the challenge at Stamford Bridge is a huge one. And that any success there will be something that warms the heart. I mean, lets look at Anersen for a moment. He was set to quit the game, before Levy talked him into 3 years at the Lane. So, that's one season (+ wages) that he has got which he wouldn't have got had he just quit. But then, why worry about what people think of you if you can jump ship and earn three times as much for three times less work?

I would? If someone headhunted me in my field of work, why shouldn't I leave? Why should I show loyalty? Its all about money isn't it? That's all that matters. Money. Nothing else.

Because lets face it, working at a desk job is EXACTLY the same thing as being a pro-footballer (or anything else in football) and working in an industry where your decision doesn't just effect you - but also effects hundreds and thousands of footballing fans.

Bah, I don't know....some people, hey?

So, be proud Chelsea FC. Because the underlying truth is that everyone loves you. From a hardcore Spurs fan; no hard feelings.

Anyways, must dash. I'm visiting a friend in Southend. He has a rowing boat. Its a social thing.

cheers,

s

-----------------------------

Dear Mr Levy,

Firstly, allow me to say how disgusted I am regarding the 'no-show' of a 3rd signing - as promised by Sky Sports News late yesterday evening.

The fact that you paraded an ex-pompey player along with Carrick (someone we already knew we had signed) makes me feel sick and cheated.

To rub salt in the wounds, Carrick has since come out and stated that he prefered to have joined our rivals from Woolwich.

Why hasnt the club not retracted these comments? Why hasnt Tottenham Hotspur FC not fined Micheal Carrick?

Well?

I also expect a public apology from Mr Anersen who really needs to think long and hard about how he conducts himself when selecting and bringing targets to the club.

I expect a response to my email, ASAP.

thank you,



-----------------------------




Dear Mr Levy,

At the time of writing it is 20:35 and I find myself dejected. Where is this alleged third signing that was promised to us by the media and several 'insiders' that are privy to information concerning club transfers?

I, along with all true Spurs fans, feel cheated that you allowed false transfer information (call it 'gossip') to be leaked from your office to help secure more ticket sales and superstore revenue.

Manchester United and Newcastle United are currently attempting to purchase Wayne Rooney.

We, on the other hand, have done nothing in the transfer market.

I have to say, that you and the club are setting the record for the longest ever wait for a press conference in history.

When exactly is Andrew Reid going to sign for the club?

When is Arnersen going to start earning his wages?

If you do not want chants of 'SACK THE BOARD' to be shouted out for a full 90 minutes on Saturday, I suggest you get pro-active and get busy in the transfer market, otherwise I see us fighting for our lives with the likes of Everton and Palace.

I find myself wishing that David Pleat was still at the club.

Please, do something right for once.


regards,


xxx (signed my full name)



-----------------------------



Dear Mr Levy,

Well what a suprise and what a typical balls-up from the spurs board and management. Something we have come to expect over the years. Who says we are not consistent?

Former Spurs Great Joe Kinnear stated that we offered everything, including the kitchen sink - but not the £5M asking price.

What will you do Mr Levy, when Andrew Reid signs for Charlton or Villa and scores the goals that get them to the Champions league - and earns them £15M or so? Well? Does £5M sound too much for the best winger in Britian?

Once more we have shown 'chicken tactics' by pulling out of a deal because we are tight.

Andrew Reid is worth at least £18M in the current market, and in my opinion, we should bid at least £8M for him and give Forest Ricketts and Jackson.

If that doesnt do the trick, loan them Carrick for a season.

Start thinking about ambition, for gods sake! Do you want us to get relegated?

Because at the moment, I cant see anything other than relegation blues for us.

We have no width therefore we have no hope.

Congrats.

Thank you for turning us into a 'championship team'- coca-cola championship.


regards,

xxx (signed my full name)



-----------------------------



Dear Mr Levy,


Once again, I find myself dusting down the olde typewriter and composing you a letter of controlled and sustained anger and frustration. I find myself asking whether maybe you should consider employing me and placing me in an office adjacent to yours so that I can shout out to you the fears I share with hundreds and thousands of Spurs fans. That way, you will stop yourself from making the mistakes you have thus far made.

I am no longer concerned about the Anersen incident and the utter humiliation you have bestowed on our club by pushing Frank away from Spurs by not allowing him to buy quality quality players.

And now, in almost a vengeful attack on him, you have sold his prized signing. You have placed your ego ahead of the club and what's right for it, to spite Frank. I find this repulsive.

Thimothee Atouba is not just any other player. He is not only the African left-sided Ronaldinho he, and this is far more important so please take a seat Mr Levy, if you are of course standing, otherwise if you are sitting, please add an extra pillow to that seat so that your comfort is to a maximum, Mr Atouba, is the epitome of Tottenham Hotspur.

Young, skillful and full of potential.

Yet, you see this as a disease, simply because he was signed by Frank.

To make matters worse you seem to believe, along with the coaches, that Erik Edman is a better player. I'm stunned. Did you not watch the way Atouba goes forward compared to the iceberg (that never moves) Edman?

What next Mr Levy? No, wait. Let me answer that.

I expect that we are about to sell many, if not all of the Anersen signings and possible also kiss goodbye to King, Defoe and Keane.

All to be replaced with players aged 28 and upwards. Its experience Jol wants, and it looks like his wish is about to come true.

I honestly believe that this is the lowest moment for me, as a Spurs fan. To see the team Anersen built dismantled. And all because you are angry, even though Chelsea paid you what you wanted. Selfish and greedy are two words that come to mind.

We love entertainers at the Lane and Atouba was exactly that. A brilliant player, with the ability to take three times as long to beat one player than it usual would, but boy, was it fantastic to watch.

Now we have Edman. Defensively sound, consistent, seasoned international. Yawn yawn yawn. Anybody would think we wanted to be reliable at the back.

I almost burnt my season ticket today. Instead, I placed it under the grill until the cover slightly began to melt. Be warned, that next time, it will be microwaved.

I expect to see a superstar signed in the next few weeks. But I know that my next Spurs Mobile text message will be telling me that both Carrick and Defoe have moved on.

Thanks again, for turning the summer into a crock of shit for me and all other spurs fans.

I hate you.

Regards,

S


-----------------------------



Dear Mr Levy,

Well well well, here we are again. Seems that once more you have proven to be the ringmaster at the circus.

Frankie Arnesen has turned his back on the club in a move that without doubt has now killed Tottenhams chances of ever being a 'big club' again.

This is worst then when Keith left stating '...there use to be a football club here'.

If Frankie made a comment, I'm sure it was something like 'I'm leaving to go to a club that can provide me with a challenge, because money doesnt interest me'.

I am shocked to the very foundations that you have not attempted to keep Frankie.

He is vital, he is imperative, he is Mr Tottenham Hotspur.

Who can we trust to buy young players now? Who? Well? Yeah, exactly...no one.

There is not a single person in football who can come in and do the exact same thing.

I mean do you know how much skill it takes to discover someone like Ronaldo, who was in a World Cup squad, before he was discovered by Arnesen? That takes skillability of the highest order. Something we have now lost to Chelsea.

Arnesen was able to attract the best young players in Holland, second only to the young players at Ajax.

Thus, Arnesen is the best in his business.

You claim you are currently attempting to reach some kind of agreement with Chelsea?

Well, rather than attempting to get Parker in some kind of compensation deal how about doing what all Spurs fans want?

You need me to state it in black and white?

Offer Chelsea Defoe and King, and in return they will leave Frankie alone.

Our future depends on the only man in football who can unearth young raw talent.

Clubs like Man Utd and Arsenal have struggled over the years simply because they didn't have the skills of Frankie.

Do we want to end up like them? Of course not.

Defoe, King...and throw in Robbo as an after-thought.

For once, Mr Levy, be strong. It took ages to sign the £15M rated Andrew Reid. Don't take an age to make this decision.

I'll wait until you respond before I burn my season ticket.


Regards,


s



-----------------------------



Dear Mr Big-Football-Forum,

As Mr Levy doesn't have the decency to reply to my letters, I will write to you instead.

Hopefully, you will have the dutch-courage to respond. I'm in the mood to get some things off my chest.

Firstly, what a great result on Monday. Thank god we didn't win. Had we got a point or even beaten the Woolwich Arsenal we would have songs of 'You lost the league at Highbury' etc. I'm glad to say that we wont be sinking down to the pathetic levels the Gooner fans did by proclaiming that they 'won the title at the lane' even though there was less chance of them losing it at that point in the season than there is of Paris Hilton walking into the room as I write this, and going down on me with enthusiastic gulps.

2004 was nothing like 71. But we can't account for backwards-pikey 'humour'.

Anyways, with our current 'London derby' record and the fact that Dial Square hardly ever lose at their stench of a ground, it was highly improbable we would cause an upset.

I mean, firstly, we have no playmaker. No Ginola. No Gazza. And no Hoddle. But I'm sure Frank knows this. And there are already rumours of a summer superstar signing in the making. The man in the pub who knows the tea ladys half-brother ladyboy who works in reception heard from uncle Bobs third cousin that a unnamed Dutch player might be thinking about joining Tottenham if it means that he will attract the attention of bigger European clubs.

Now, the boo-boys. You know the kind. The ones that shout out stuff like:

"Carrick, you West Ham c*nt!!"
"You're f*cking rubbish Carrick!"
"F*ck off back to West Ham, Carrick!"

They are so obviously true supporters, so I dont have a bad word to say about them.

Stephen Kelly should be sold, cause he is young and inexperienced - and I have no patience for players like him.

Andy Reid? Well, he has had his chance in the Premiership, so he needs to go. And no, I ain't talking about a fat farm.

And as for Sean Davis, well, I refuse to accept that he was out injured for an age. Drop him into the reserves and let him rot. How dare he not reclaim his form yet! Disgraceful!

As for Europe? Well, sure it might 'attract' players to the club, and the glory glory nights are very much missed.....but do we have a squad to compete in both the premiership and European football?

Of course we do. We are ready to go all the way in the UEFA Cup and finish a good solid 12th in the league as a consequence of the distraction.

We can conquer Europe the same way we conquered Palace and WBA.

I mean, Boro and Newcastle have had terrific seasons in Europe, and their league positions haven't suffered.
They ain't far off from being 'future champs league teams' either.

And considering we don't have a team as young and as British and as future-proof as someone like, mmmm, lets say Everton...then we don't stand a chance of shocking everyone next season and taking that 4th spot.

So lets all kill ourselves if we dont make it to 7th this season.

regards,

s


-----------------------------



Dear Mr Levy,

I should not be shocked or surprised that Spurs failed miserably with regards to the on/off transfer of wing-wizard Andrew Reid, no doubt the finest player outside the Premiership. I expect a bigger club, such as Charlton or Villa - or possibly a richer club such as Everton will now look towards January 2005 with glee at the prospect of signing Reid for a cut-price £5M (rather than the £10M+ he is worth).

Now, you might think I am ungrateful. You may argue that you have spent money this season and Frank Arnersen has negotiated well.

On paper, I would have to agree with you. 14 players brought into the club. That's practically a brand new squad.

But lets look at this closely for a moment. Player by player....

Paul Robinson - Was in goal when Leeds got relegated. The bloke is fat, which is a good indication he doesn't train well.

Sean Davis - Struggled at Fulham (which should say it all). Has no bite to be a out-and-out defensive midfielder and lacks the extra spark to be a out-and-out creative midfielder.

Pedro Mendes - If this guy is so good, why isn't he a Portugal regular?

Erik Edman - A decent player. Will probably hand in a transfer request in the summer.

Noureddine Naybet - This guy is 39 years old. FFS, is this what you mean by re-building???

Thimothee Atouba - Clumsy player, who should be playing in defence not left-midfield. Andrew Reid should have been the investment, not this nobody.

Edson Silva Sousa - A Nationwide player. A good buy, if we think ahead as we prepare to come straight back up to the premiership next season.

Michael Carrick - Matt Etheringtons playmate. A player who hasn't done anything for 3 years. Apart from growing a mullet. Tell me, why are we buying a player on possible potential? This guy isnt even the poor mans Joe Cole. He's the poor mans Vinny Samways.

Noe Pamarot - A player who went on strike to get a transfer. An obvious mercenary. Had we not forced Stevie Carr out of the club, we would have saved money here.

Calum Davenport - Who? Suddenly out of nowhere we buy him and he instantly becomes 'one of the best young talents in England'. Please, spare me the propaganda. This kid is a nobody. He played for Coventry, ffs.

Rodrigo Defendi - A Brazilian Defender. An oxymoron if I have ever seen one. I cant wait to see the headlines: "Defendi cant defend".

Marton Fulop - His name is pronounced 'FLOP'. You really *are* taking the piss, arent you Mr Levy?

Reto Ziegler - Another left-winger who isn't Andrew Reid. Swiss ace? If he really was a brilliant brilliant teenager - he would have joined A*senal.

Leigh Mills - Another 'brilliant potential'. Probably bought to keep the likes of Owen Price and Michael Malcolm company on the reserve team bench.

So, 14 players in - and not a single signing can be proclaimed as great.

Where is a 'Klinsmann'? Where is our 'Dumitrescu'? Where is the £11M Rebrov style capture to excite the fans? None of these signings will appear on the back of my shirt.

The only thing that will appear on the back of my shirt is:

"WE WANT OUR TOTTENHAM BACK!" - and don't think for a minute I'll get those letters printed at the Spurs Superstore!

We have bought a bunch of players that might be good in 5 years time. And a bunch of players that were good 5 years ago. Tell me, are we aiming for mid-table dominance?

Now I know what you might say: "We are 4th"

Well, so what.

We scored a lucky goal against Liverpool, and had Owen played in that game we no doubt would have lost. We scored a fluke against Newcastle. Any half-decent team would have beaten WBA and against the Brummies we got lucky. Again.

We cant even score 2 goals in a game.

Already, the whispers in the Park Lane End would suggest we are on the verge of a crisis.

And what do you do?

Nothing.

Theres a 3 year waiting list for A*senal season tickets. I might just place my name down. If you don't want several thousand Spurs fans doing the same thing, then I expect you to act.

Yours Wishing,

XXX (signed my name and included my mobile number, in case Mr Levy wants to personally contact me and discuss my email)



---------------------------

Dear Chelsea,

Hello. I have CC'ed Daniel Levy into this letter, so that any confusion of timelines can be avoided.

Basically, I feel that one or two things have to be said. Considering that you, as a club, are always in the limelight, I felt one or two words from a unbiased member of the footballing word should help to comfort any worries you have about your image and profile.

There is, without a shadow of a doubt, no doubt that Chelsea FC are the biggest footballing institution in world football. This is because of your rich tapestry of a history, reaching far back, way back to such events as the 1967 FA Cup final. Through the last century, although there was failure in winning silverware every decade from the 1950's onwards - players of today's generation want to join Chelsea because you are a 'big club'. Prestigious. I laugh at people who suggest they want to sign up to you because of the wages they could earn, and the instant fix of success as you attempt to monopolise your way to glory. What do these idiots know?

The fact of the matter is, Chelsea have fought hard to get where they currently are. Any club who can fight off debts of £95M deserves credit. And credit is due at Stamford Bridge. I think its amazing, that you can go from crowds of less than 10,000 a decade and a bit ago - to winning over brand new fans, who are now 100% Chelsea fanatics. Some people would call them 'fair weather' fans or 'glory hunters'. I would call them, true football fans who simply want to be associated with a winning team.

I think its also unfair that some sections of the footballing world and media state that what you guys are doing is 'bad for football' and that you are 'buying glory'. Yes, can you believe that? I dont think this is the case at all. How can it be? You haven't actually bought any super-star signings. Surely this proves something. Spending £24M on Drogba is simply an intent on 'getting your man'. I mean, why spend his value (which is probably £5M) when you can spend £24M? Its simple logic. It's like having a big cock. If you have a big cock, you become a porn star and flash it around. You dont go out with the girl next door, and shag her once per month.

I know some people who even say that the title was won only because of Arsenals inconsistency and Man Utd's demise. But I dont believe that.

And what of all this 'tapping up' business? I believe that if you want to hold talks with players of other clubs in public restaurants - then you should. As the elequont Bobby Brown once sang:

"Its my prerogative, and I can do what I wanna do"

Its not like you are a small club struggling to understand how it is to behave like a great club.

You simply want your cake to eat it. All of it. And why not. Its yours to eat.

Players of other clubs, should show no loyalty - and sign for you because you can afford to outbid anyone - even Real Madrid. Therefore, this instantly makes you better than anyone else. Ever. People who cant see this should wipe the shit away from their eyes.

You are untouchable. Invincible.

That's why Anersen has turned his back on Spurs. Because he has seen that the challenge at Stamford Bridge is a huge one. And that any success there will be something that warms the heart. I mean, lets look at Anersen for a moment. He was set to quit the game, before Levy talked him into 3 years at the Lane. So, that's one season (+ wages) that he has got which he wouldn't have got had he just quit. But then, why worry about what people think of you if you can jump ship and earn three times as much for three times less work?

I would? If someone headhunted me in my field of work, why shouldn't I leave? Why should I show loyalty? Its all about money isn't it? That's all that matters. Money. Nothing else.

Because lets face it, working at a desk job is EXACTLY the same thing as being a pro-footballer (or anything else in football) and working in an industry where your decision doesn't just effect you - but also effects hundreds and thousands of footballing fans.

Bah, I dont know....some people, hey?

So, be proud Chelsea FC. Because the underlying truth is that everyone loves you. From a hardcore Spurs fan; no hard feelings.

Anyways, must dash. I'm visiting a friend in Southend. He has a rowing boat. Its a social thing.

cheers,

s



--------------------------



Dear Mr Levy,


It's at times like this, I pray for Frankie Anersen. He would not have sanctioned the move for Edgar 'I've only played 50 games in 3 years' Davids.

I see why you did it of course. You sold some shirts. Some rasta wigs. However, this signing is akin to the Toda signing, which brought the odd Japanese fan to the Lane.

Money. That's all you care about. And yet, ironically, you are paying a crock of a player £50K per week. Yes, a crock. Not even fit enough to face Portsmouth.

And yet, left right and centre, we are buying useless midfield players.

I'm so angry about this. You bought Routledge, statistically last season, the worst outfield player in the Prem. You bought Lennon, who I 'imagine' is going to take you on a magical mystery tour.....to the Coca-Cola league!

I'm sick of it, tbh.

Signing Davids is worse than NEARLY signing Rivaldo or Maradona.

You have purchased a journey man who, in the long term will cost the club hundreds and thousands for basically parading around in flashy sunglasses whilst visiting the Lodge treatment room.

Its time for me to burn my season ticket, and for you to quit the club. Maybe Ken Bates will sell Leeds and buy us. At least with him, he wont go out and buy shit players.

Yours Left on the Shelf,

S

From 2004

25 jul 2004 (having lost to sheff utd in pre-season)

IMO, OUR PRE-SEASON IS A DISGRACE. THE ONLY WAY TO SAVE FACE IS TO SACK SANTINI *BEFORE* THE SEASON STARTS, SO WE CAN SPEND THE WHOLE OF NEXT SEASON SEARCHING FOR A NEW MANAGER. THE FACT THAT WE HAVE SHOWN NO SIGNS OF IMPROVEMENT IS JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH. LAST SEASONS PRE-SEASON TOUR SAW US WIN GAMES. WE ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH AND WE WILL FINISH BELOW EVERTON, IMHO.



25 jul 2004

THE DREAM IS OVER. I DONT CARE WHAT ANYONE SAYS. DAVIDS DIDNT JOIN US AND THAT SPELLS DISASTER. THERES ONLY ONE WAY FOR SPURS NOW, AND ITS DOWN



25 jul 2004

WE GET FEED BULLSHIT ABOUT A NEW STAND. BUT YET WE HAVE NO NEW UNDERGROUND STATION, IMO. THAT AND WHERE IS FREDI K? IS HE GOING TO PORTSMOUTH WITH MATT TAYLOR COMING TO US? AND WHAT ABOUT REID? WHY DIDNT WE SIGN DIEGO? ITS BULLSHIT! MENDES AND DAVIS IS NOT ENOUGH. WE NEED PLAYERS. MON WOULD NOT HAVE LOST ANY OF THIS PRE-SEASON GAMES. FCUKING SHIT!



25 jul 2004

WE ARE PLAYING TEAMS WE SHOULD BE STEAMROLLING. LOOK AT ARSENAL. THEY BEAT LIEBHERR GAK 2-1 AND YET WE STRUGGLED ON TOUR AND NOW CANT EVEN BEAT A CHAMPIONSHIP DIVISION SIDE LIKE SHEFF UTD. THIS IS EVIDENCE ENOUGH FOR ME. SHAMBLES, TOTAL AND UTTER SHAMBLES.


asked who has wound me up:

DANIEL LEVY DID WHEN HE SACKED GLENN HODDLE!!



28 jul 2004 (whilst up against rangers at ibrox)


FU CKING DISGRACEFUL!! ONE NIL DOWN AND ROBBIE KEANE STRETCHED OFF !! NO FU CKING LEADER !! DEFENSIVE ERRORS!! THIS TELLS ME MORE THAN ENOUGH. WE ARE NO HOPERS. FINISHED. LEVY ISNT PUTTING HIS MONEY WHERE HIS MOUTH IS. WE NEED MORE PLAYERS!! 4 MORE OR ELSE WE ARE RELEGATED!!!! WITH SIMON DAVIES OUT AND ROBBIE KEANE OUT FOR MAYBE 4 MONTHS WE ARE FINISHED!!!

f**ks SAKE


-



ETHERINGTON SCORED FOR THE SPURS SECOND TEAM TONIGHT!! WE SHOULD BRING HIM BACK FROM HIS LOAN SPELL, IMO


-


2-0 FFS. THIS IS A DISASTER, A F CUKING DISASTER!! WHAT THE f**k HAVE THEY DONE TO MY CLUB? I WANT MY TOTTENHAM BACK!!


-


HERE ARE THE NEW SIGNINGS? WEST HAM HAVE BOUGHT £11M CHAMPIONS LEAGUE HERO, REBROV. WE HAVENT. WE NEED DEFENDERS. WE NEED A LEFT WINGER. WE NEED ANOTHER MIDFIELDER, A PLAYMAKER. WE NEED ANOTHER STRIKER. WHERE IS POSTIGA NOW? WHERE IS ZAMORA NOW? WITH ROBBIE KEANE OUT FOR 6 MONTHS WE ARE GOING DOWN!!


-


RANGERS TAKING OUT SPURS PLAYER AFTER SPURS PLAYER. THE GINGER PELE IS PLAYING UPFRONT.

SANTINI WILL GO TONIGHT. IMO.


31 jul 2004 (playing @ forest)


FOREST ARE ALL OVER US. TOTTENHAM HAVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO DEFEND, EVEN MORE SO THAN LAST SEASON. REID IS PLAYING A BLINDER. WHY HAVENT WE BOUGHT HIM YET? FOREST WILL WIN THIS EASILY, IMO.

SACK THE BOARD!

-

FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDI.

STRIKERS = CLASS, IMO
THE REST = NOT CLASS, IMHO

-

2-0 IMO. DEFOE FROM THE PEN SPOT AFTER BAKARHI WON US A BET. THIS SHOWS AND PROVES ON SEVERAL LEVELS WE ARE WORLD CLASS. EVEN THOUGH WE DREW 2-2 WITH HULL AND BIRMINGHAM CITY ARE BEATING THEM 3-0, THAT DOESNT MATTER.

ANDY REID TO TOTTENAHM IMO, UNLESS ASTON VILLA BID £5M.


GLASGOW RANGERS ARE LOSING 3-1 TO NEWCASTLE. MUST MEAN SPURS ARE SHIT THEN. BUT HOLD ON A SECOND! DIDNT THE MIGHTY IPSWICH BEAT THE THE TOON ARMY LAST WEEK? I'M CONFUSED NOW. TREELO, HELP! I NEED TO WORK OUT THIS CONUNDRUM!!