Mr Berbatov wants to make peace with Tottenham fans.

“I will always have special feelings for Tottenham. They showed me the way in English football. I will never have anything bad to say about the club. I watch every game they play. I was just surprised the team got off to such a bad start because Juande Ramos was a very good coach. Now Harry Redknapp has come in, a very experienced manager, and I am pleased they are going up the table.”

The disruptive Bulgarian has less chance of making peace than I have of spanking Angelina Jolie in a night of light sexual deviance. Brad Pitt would obviously not be present. If he was, and as a consequence, the only chance of me doing Jolie was to double up on her with Bradley, then I would gladly accept, as long as both cockerels were kept apart at all times. I'll only crow for Angelina. I'm not saying he ain't a good looking bloke, no doubt there, but I am strictly centre-midfield and you'll never catch me playing down the muddy slippery flanks.

I’d like to spank Berbatov given half the chance. Across the face. With a dead squirrel. ‘Showed me the way in English football’? That’s the polite way of suggesting we were nothing more than a stepping stone, a stage to show off his array of talents and silky skills allowing Ferguson to decide if Berbatov was good enough for Old Trafford. The only special feelings you have for us is you were able to showcase your talent for one full season, and then only do so a second time round because we wouldn't allow you to leave. This fallacy of you only caring about the simple things in football is just that.

And as for watching all our games since moving on, I doubt that very much. Don’t patronise us please. You fought with Jol. You fought with Tottenham. You practically went on strike. Shut the fuck up, and just take the abuse you’ll get on the chin like any other player (apart from Sol Campbell who doesn’t like to take anything on the chin, according to his PR).

Honest, humble Dimi, who likes to feed the squirrels in solitude with only his deep thoughts as company whilst he contemplates his existence and meaning. Don’t be too shocked or upset when all the squirrels in your back garden suddenly go missing. Not that I would ever set traps for them and sell them to the nearest kebab house for a tidy profit. That would be distasteful and possibly cruel especially to the people who prefer to dine on lamb rather on rodents. Although a dollop of chilli sauce will guarantee you won't be able to tell the difference.

Berbatov is the reason why clubs like Spurs will never push on, much like the eight year old at school who decides it’s easier to support whoever is top of the league whilst the local team loses another prospective future season ticket holder.

So, Dimitar, in conclusion, take your olive branch and stick it up your bollocks.

Thanks to Dan G from gg.net for the photo-shop magic.